


The Nightmare Before Christmas

by LyricalKris



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-31
Updated: 2015-05-04
Packaged: 2018-02-23 08:39:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 88,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2541353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyricalKris/pseuds/LyricalKris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Edward’s son died, he took Edward’s heart and soul with him. Even a decade of mourning didn’t seem good enough. But then, Edward met college junior Bella who thrived despite her own tragedy. Can Edward’s cold, dead heart beat again?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I started to write this for the Mistletoe contest but it quickly got out of control… Thank them for requesting Christmas angst…
> 
> Disclaimer: Welp. STILL not Stephenie Meyer.
> 
> WARNING: Please mind the summary! If you have a question, please ask. I’ll be happy to explain. Also, FYI, there is no cheating in this story.

“Sweetheart, I think it’s time.”

 

“No.” Edward stared as his wife, pleading even though her expression was just as broken as his had to be. He knew this wasn’t her choice. Of course it wasn’t her choice. This was out of both of their hands, and it had been for six months. “Not yet. Please not yet.”

 

He wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ever going to be ready.

 

Tears filled his Kate’s eyes, and her voice whined in the back of her throat. “Edward, please.” She looked from him down to their son, cradled in her arms.

 

Two simple words, and yet he heard what she didn’t say. This was happening. Now. And she didn’t have the strength to watch him break down.

 

Edward closed his eyes. Somewhere in his head, someone was screaming. No. No. No. No. He opened his eyes and stepped toward his wife and Xavier, their son. With each footfall his heart and soul twisted inside him, their death throes a stark contrast to his son’s steady decline over the last few weeks. What was going on inside Edward was violent and agonizing. His son’s struggle for each breath was heartbreakingly quiet.

 

Xavier had been fighting for a long time, and tonight he was going to lose.

 

Edward came to a stop in front of his wife and son. His fingers trembled as he drew his fingers down his sleeping son’s face. When he was born, the baby’s cheeks had been full and pink. Now his skin was a bloodless, sickly pale. His lips were tinged blue and chapped. His beautiful blond curls lay, like the rest of him, limp and lifeless.

 

Wordless, he swept Kate into his arms, baby and all, and carried her to the living room. He settled all three of them in the recliner, his wife cradled on his lap and their son secure against her chest. He kept one arm around her and used the other to stroke up and down his son’s back. There was a lump in his throat so large it choked him.

 

His wife rested her hand on top of Edward’s, and together they watched the rise and fall of Xavier’s back with each of his labored, uneven breaths. Kate wept, though not uncontrollably. She shook in Edward’s arms, or was it that he was shaking all of them? Edward couldn’t tell. All he knew was this pain was unfathomable.  He couldn’t understand how he could live through it. Surely when Xavier’s breaths stopped, his would too. Surely he wouldn’t survive this, and if his son had to leave, Edward couldn’t say the idea of following displeased him.

 

The baby whimpered, opening his eyes, trying to focus, and Edward knew he had to speak.

 

“Xavier?” The word came out like gravel and hurt his throat about as much. Edward pressed his lips together hard to control the tremble. He needed to say this. “Shhh, baby boy.” He ran his fingers through his son’s golden curls. “Xavier, I need you to listen to me, okay?

 

“You don’t have to be scared, son. You’re so brave. You’re the bravest boy I’ve ever met. You’ve fought so hard for a long time, and I’m so proud of you. Mommy and I are so very proud of you.”

 

Edward took another breath. It was impossible to fill his lungs when they were squeezed so tight. His heart hurt. It just hurt. He drew a trembling finger over his son’s cheek. “It’s time to rest now, sweetheart. It’s going to be okay. Me and Mommy…” His voice broke, and he sniffed. “Me and Mommy are going to be okay. You don’t have to worry about us.”

 

“I’m so glad I got to be your mommy,” Kate said in voice that broke with tears. “Baby, we’re so glad we had you. You’ve been the very best part of us, the best thing in our lives. The best thing we ever did, and we’re going to love you forever. Baby, I love you so much.” Kate dipped her head with a cry and kissed the baby’s crown.

 

Xavier whined a little, but his eyes closed. He was tired. Edward could see how tired he was. He took in a shallow breath, still fighting.

 

“You can sleep,” Edward said. “You can sleep now. Rest, baby boy.”

 

Over the next fifteen minutes, Xavier’s breaths slowed. Slowed.

 

Stopped.

 

"You're okay now, baby." Kate’s voice was thin and broken, her body shaking as she cried. "You're free."

 

Edward turned his face into Kate’s hair and sobbed, clutching them both closer to him. The pain of loss was going to kill him.  Surely it was going to kill him.

 

It didn't. It just stretched on endlessly.

  
Xavier Kieren Cullen was born on January third, and he died on 11:59 PM on Christmas Eve, having never seen his first Christmas.

 

 

* * *

** A/N: Many thanks to jessypt, songster, myheroin, and Packy 2.0 for all their help. **

**Um. Hi, guys. How are we?**

****


	2. Chapter 1 - Slam

**_~Ten Years Later~_ **

**_~Late March~_ **

 

Bella Swan knew damn well she was annoying the guy sitting next to her. She had to stop herself from apologizing. Fuck him anyway. If a little leg-shaking bothered him, that was his problem. He’d showed up with a group of assholes taking advantage of the fact the poetry group’s readings were open to anyone. If anything, he owed her an apology. His persistent flirting had thrown her off her game, hence the rapid tattoo her foot was beating against the floor.

 

“Hey.”

 

Bella opened her eyes to find Professor Whitlock, the English professor who ran the group, squatting in front of her. “I saw your name on the reading list. You ready?"

 

She wanted to say yes, but she was already shaking her head.

 

He offered her a reassuring smile. “Looks like you’ve dressed the part. There are three people in front of you, so you have time to decide, but I think you got this. No pressure.”

 

The professor moved on then, leaving Bella to war with the voices in her head.

 

She started when a voice whispered low in her ear, “You’re a poet and I didn’t know it, huh?”

 

Bella looked over her shoulder and leveled him with a glare. “Did your mother never teach you about personal space, buddy? Back off.”

 

Before he could launch into the typical ‘I was just being nice’ defense, Bella got up and moved across the room just before the first poet stepped up on the platform that served as a stage.   
  
From her new seat, Bella was distracted by a whispered conversation behind her. She tried not to listen, but that never worked once her interest was piqued.

 

“I’m sorry, Edward. I thought Alice told you.”

 

“Well, she didn’t, and if you’d pay attention to your phone, I could have been home half an hour ago.”

 

Bella turned just enough in her seat to look over her shoulder. The man Professor Whitlock was talking to had to be another professor. He had the look. She could see him easily in front of a class glaring daggers at the class clown. For some reason, the idea made her smile.

 

He was handsome, the unknown professor. Like Professor Henry Jones Jr., handsome. Like maybe she would major in ‘whatever subject he taught’ handsome. It was as good a plan as any. She had no idea what the hell she was doing with her life.

 

Bella shook those thoughts away and turned around again. She pressed a hand to her cheek, feeling the warmth there. Where the heck had that come from?

 

Behind her, Professor Whitlock laughed. “Come on. Anything I’m keeping you from will still be there tomorrow. Why don’t you stay a minute? They’re doing slam poetry tonight. Listen to this guy. If you’d shut up long enough to hear what he’s doing, I think you’d like this.”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Then at least stay until Alice gets here. It’s been a month since we’ve seen you.”

 

“I get busy.”

 

“Hey, life happens, man. I get it. But you’re here now, and it’d make Alice happy.”

 

The stranger professor sighed. “Yeah, all right.”

 

With no more distractions, Bella turned her attention back to the performance on the stage. Anxiety buzzed at the back of her mind, but she concentrated on the performer. She focused on the passion of their words and the way, for a brief moment, she felt something that wasn’t hers. Anguish or joy she could put it down at the end of the poem.

 

Three performers passed too quickly, and then the professor was introducing her.

 

“Bella’s up next. This is her first time reading, so be nice.”

 

“Woo, a virgin! That’s hot.”

 

Bella’s step faltered. She didn’t have to look to know it was the guy from earlier whom she’d moved to get away from. A few of his friends cackled and cheered at that, and Bella had to concentrate to keep her feet moving forward.

 

When she got to the mic, she looked up, and that was her first mistake. The first thing she saw were the leering faces of the stupid frat boys who’d invaded this place of art to look for an easy piece of ass. She saw the way their eyes devoured her, and their grins told her exactly what they wanted.

 

The room spun. Her body braced to run.

 

But then she spotted the stranger professor at the back of the room. It was a small room and well lit. She could see his eyes clearly. They were calm, green eyes, sad somehow.  They were eyes that weren’t ripping her clothes off where she stood. He tilted his head in silent encouragement, and Bella could breathe again.

 

She adjusted the mic.

 

The fantastic thing about slam poetry was the power. It was absolute proof that words alone could move people. When a poem was on point, the energy of it filled the room. The crowd was so rocked with emotion; it came out in hoots, hollers, and sporadic applause.

 

That was what pushed Bella to get up in front of the room even though she was naturally shy, among other things. But in a life where she was often afraid of her own shadow, she wanted a taste of that power. She wanted control of this room and every person in it for five minutes. She wanted the strength of her words, her emotions laid bare, to resonate in their heads and send shivers down their spines.

 

She got what she wanted.

 

Her voice rang strong and clear in the room as she began to put words to unspeakable horror. Bella quickly discovered the symbiotic relationship between a performer and her audience. She could feel the emotion, could feel the strength of their reaction, and when they shouted, “Yeah!”, gasped, or groaned, her words gained volume and speed. Words flowed out of her in a torrent, and she found herself stamping with the beat of it.

 

When she came to the natural end of the stanza, the room was dead silent. It wasn’t an awkward silence, but that kind of quiet that fell in the wake of devastation. The silence of a soul rendered mute by grief.

 

Bella caught her breath and wiped at the tears that had fallen, finishing the last stanza of her poem in a quiet but strong voice.

 

_“I want to believe in white knights_

_The way I believe in Santa_

_Once upon a time, it was a nice idea_

_But knowing he doesn’t exist doesn’t hurt._

_Seeing other kids who still believe_

_Doesn’t make me wish for the bliss of ignorance_

_I am the Fox Mulder of my own heart_

_I want to believe_

_But I can’t”_

 

Bella swallowed around the lump in her throat and stepped back from the mic as the room burst into applause. Her heart was hammering so hard in her chest it was jostling her stomach, so even though she was giddy with adrenaline, she also wanted to throw up. Bella darted for the back door.

 

Outside, the cold air of Flagstaff, AZ in March felt good on her super-heated skin. Bella made it a short distance away from the building before she sunk down on a convenient stone, trembling too hard to stand. She was crying. Not for any good reason. It was just an overflow of emotion, a reaction to the power she’d held in her hands. A power that had cost her something. How easily it could have been too much, but the fact the audience had understood,  had been with her... that had healed something in her. Or at least soothed it.

 

Whatever this emotion was, she was high off it. Drunkenly high.

 

“There you are.”

 

Bella stiffened and sat bolt upright at the sound of the voice. It was the jock, and judging by the way he plopped down beside her, he still hadn’t gotten the memo. He put a hand on her shoulder and didn’t remove it when she cringed.

 

“Hey, don’t cry.” He reached up to wipe her cheek, but this time, Bella stood up. He held his hands up and out. “Hey, princess. Calm down, would you? I’m only trying to be nice.”

 

Her heart was hammering a mile a minute, faster than it had been when she stepped off stage. She’d broken out in a cold sweat too, leaving her feeling clammy and lightheaded. “Buddy, I’m not buying what you’re selling. Fuck off, would you?”

 

He huffed, and the irritated look on his face set off an edge of panic in Bella. She had to bite her tongue to keep from apologizing.

 

“Well, pardon the fuck out of me,” the frat boy said, standing. “I saw you run out here. I thought something was wrong, and you’re here crying. I wanted to help, and you’ve been treating me like I’m some asshole all night.”

 

Bella bit the inside of her cheek. Her body was pulling her in too many directions, making it too difficult to think. The part of her that was still riding high wanted to kick his ass just because she could. She could, too. He wouldn’t be expecting a little thing like her to be able to do it, but she’d learned how.

 

But then there was that ever infuriating part that wanted to beg him not to be angry. That ingrained part of her that wanted only to please him so he’d be happy with her again. Why had she been so mean to him? He was right. He was only trying to be nice. And so what if he’d been flirting with her earlier. People flirted. It was hardly cause for such drama.

 

“I was late to meet my boyfriend.” Assholes like this never respected a woman’s wishes, but they would back off if another man had prior claim.

 

The frat boy huffed and looked around, his arms held out wide. “Uh huh. Then where is he? You said you were late. Is that why you’re crying? Because he left already?” He dropped his hands back to his sides and took a step toward her, his grin coming back. “Well, I’m here baby. Fuck him.”

 

“Hello, sweetheart. I’m sorry, I’m late.”

 

Bella and the frat boy both turned. Bella’s eyes went wide when she saw the stranger professor approaching them. His smile was warm, and he ignored the boy completely, extending a hand toward her. “Are you ready to go?”

 

It took her two long seconds to understand what was going on. He must have overheard her argument with the frat boy, and he was giving her an out. Bella argued with herself for an additional second--there was no reason to believe this guy was any better than the frat boy--but she put her hand in his anyway. “Yeah, babe. I’m ready.” She threw a brief sneer at the boy for added effect and let the stranger professor lead her away.

 

The stranger professor kept his hold loose and made no attempt to touch her otherwise. “Are you okay?”

 

She realized her hand was still trembling and blew out a sharp breath. “Fine. Thank you for that.”

 

They’d made it safely around the corner of the building. The stranger professor peered over his shoulder to see if the boy had followed. Assured the coast was clear, he let go of Bella and put both his hands in the pockets of his coat.

 

Bella wrapped her arms around her shoulders, shivering with the excess of emotion and the biting cold. She felt stupid and appreciative all at once. And pissed. For five minutes on stage she’d been a complete badass, and that stupid prick started picking away at that almost immediately.

 

“You’re freezing,” the stranger professor said, already beginning to shrug out of his coat.

 

Bella held a hand out. “I’ll be fine.” Cold she could handle, though he was right. She was freezing. Maybe it was petty, but he’d been enough of a hero for one night.

 

He studied her, looking like he was going to argue, but then he nodded. “Okay.”

  
  


“Can I get you a coffee?” she asked and wondered what the hell she was doing. It made an odd sort of sense in her mind. She didn’t want to go back to the poetry meeting yet, not with the frat boys milling around, and she kind of wanted to prove to this guy she wasn’t helpless. “I am cold, but it doesn’t make sense to make you cold too.”

 

He hesitated, and some combination of adrenaline and stupidity had Bella’s mouth moving again before she could stop it. “Just a thank you. I don’t think there are any rules against a professor accepting a coffee from a student. It’s not like I’m your student.”

 

His brows furrowed in confusion. “Oh.” He chuckled and ran a hand through his hair, making a mess of it. “I’m  not a professor. I’m actually a student here. Technically.”

 

She shivered again, and he frowned. “Yeah. Okay,” he said. “Coffee’s fine. Why not,” he said. He gestured in front of them. “Lead on.” He cleared his throat; his shoulders hunched as he followed her. “I’m Edward Cullen, by the way.”

 

“Bella Swan.”

**~0~**

Here was the thing about college: for as much higher education was going on, there was even more in the way of social interaction. Bella had tried to keep herself above all that, but it was impossible. Hookups and harmless flirting were just as rampant as serious dating and burgeoning relationships.

 

It had only bothered Bella because there were a host of boys, and a few girls thrown in for good measure, flirting with her whenever she was out and about on the campus. Most of them weren’t as unnerving as the frat boy had been, but Bella wasn’t interested.

 

There were two problems with Edward Cullen. The first was he was definitely not like the other kids she was surrounded by. Despite the fact they kept to light conversation--nothing remotely personal--Bella was intrigued by him. Maybe it was the sadness in him.

 

It had occurred to Bella more than once that tortured souls were drawn to each other. He was definitely a tortured soul. It was something she simply knew. There was something about Edward that left her wanting.

 

And that was the second problem.

 

She did want.

 

It took her most of the hour they spent at the coffee shop to figure out why she was antsy and her face was over-warm; why she grinned like an idiot at the smallest funny thing he said; why she couldn’t stop staring at the curl of hair that fell onto his forehead, or the shape of his nose, or the way his lips were full and--

 

She was pleased by his attention, attracted by his...everything, and she didn’t know what to do about it. It was ridiculous to think she should do something about it or that she could. Was there a social rulebook she hadn’t received, and oh my god, was she honestly thinking of flirting with him?

 

“You’ve gone quiet on me,” Edward said, ducking his head to catch her eyes.

 

He’d offered to walk her back to her dorm, and she’d taken that offer. It was better than calling campus police for an escort, anyway. “Just thinking about midterms,” she lied.

 

He hummed, and then he laughed.

 

“What?” she asked.

 

“I was just wondering how you walked in those,” he said, nodding toward her platform boots.

 

“They’re so stupid, right?” She stopped to hold her foot out straight and rotated it around. “They’re heavy, too.” She shrugged as they kept walking. “It took a lot of practice.”

 

“I see. So you think they’re stupid, but you’re wearing them, and you had to take valuable time out of your life to learn how to walk.” His voice wasn’t mocking, but gently teasing, and when she glanced at him, his little smile made her smirk.

 

Bella wrapped her arms around her shoulders, looking down at the ground as they walked on. “I was a really clumsy kid. Like, stitches every few months clumsy. You know how there are just some things you tell yourself, I’m never going to be a person who can do that thing. It’s just not a talent I have.”

 

“I always wanted to be one of those guys who could pull off a fedora.”

 

She cocked her head, giving him a look. “Indiana Jones. That’s the end of the list of guys who can pull off a fedora.” Remembering her earlier thought about Professor Henry Jones Jr., Bella looked away again before she could blush. “So at some point, I just decided to be the person who could wear crap like this.” She gestured at herself.

 

“Why?”

 

“Because it was one of the only things in my life I could control.”

 

She hadn’t been able to put together the shattered shards of her life back then, but she could learn how to walk on platform shoes. It sounded pathetic even in her head, but there it was.

 

“I think I get that,” Edward said, his voice soft.

 

Struck by this, Bella looked at him again only to find his expression pinched and far off. It was the kind of expression that made her want to hug him, and that did nothing to soothe the urge she’d had all night. She’d wanted to touch him in a million different ways. What she wanted now was to pull him to her and kiss the sadness off his lips.

 

She cleared her throat. “This is me,” she said, tapping on her door. The whiteboard had a message from her roommate saying she’d be out late and not to worry.

 

“Um.” Edward rubbed the back of his neck and took a step toward her, looking somewhat bashful. “There’s no way this is going to come out as anything but awkward, so I apologize for that. I know the last thing you need is another guy creeping you out."

 

Bella crossed her arms, wary, but curious about where the hell this could possibly be going.

 

“It’s just that when something I’ve read or watched resonates with me, I’ve never had the opportunity to thank the person. They’re usually long dead, and I don’t see the point of fan mail.” He looked up at her with a small smile and earnestness mingling with melancholy in his eyes.

 

“The piece you did tonight…” He shook his head, his mouth moving soundlessly as though searching for words he couldn’t find. “I can’t begin to understand what you went through to be able to create that. Whatever it was, I’m sorry.” He swallowed hard. “And thank you. It couldn’t have been easy to put that out there. So thank you.”

 

Bella blinked, looking at him, and she was so angry.

 

Not at him. No. She was pissed as hell that she’d had the ability to create that. Because it also meant she was couldn’t have what so many people around her found so easily. She didn’t connect with people. She’d been on edge all night because she wanted to flirt. She wanted a kiss. She wanted…

 

Much more than a kiss.

 

He was standing so close to her, and she thought maybe, if she was someone else…

 

No. Fuck that. Fuck that.

 

She pushed up on her tiptoes, taking his face between her hands, and she kissed him.

 

Edward’s gasp vibrated against her mouth and for a second, he froze. She almost pulled back, almost apologized, but then his hands were cupped around her elbows, pulling her closer. Then she was the one who froze.

 

No. She held on to her anger, her want and how this felt good. She searched for that high she’d felt earlier, when she got off the stage.

 

He understood. He saw her. Her words had given her power over him, and more than that, she was in control here.

 

She was too. He was following where she led. She took a step backward, and he followed. She reached behind her, fumbling at the doorknob, and he followed her inside, still matching her kiss for kiss.

 

They didn’t speak, and they didn’t stop. Not until he was sitting on her little dorm bed and she was straddling him.

 

Their pants were loud in the silence of the room. With her hand on his chest, Bella could feel how fast his heartbeat was. He was scared too, and there was some comfort there. She liked that he wasn’t in control of this.

 

His hands brushed along her side, his eyes searching, and she knew without him saying that he was trying to figure out if this was really about to happen.

 

Was it? And was she doing the right thing by him? She was using him, in a way, and part of her knew that. She was doing this because she wanted to and because she could and because she needed to know if she was capable. Could she still have something like this? A wild, passionate, spontaneous night with a near-complete stranger?

 

Could she have this after everything that she’d lost?

 

Bella stroked her fingers through Edward’s hair. It was as soft as she’d imagined, unencumbered by product. He shuddered with pleasure at her strokes, and she lowered her head to his, kissing him again.

 

She let her hands fall down to his cheeks, his neck, his chest. His hands were up under her shirt, and again she stiffened for a moment before she relaxed into his touch. His hands were deft, undoing the clasp of her bra. She reached between them to unbutton his pants.

 

This didn’t feel bad.

 

As long as Bella concentrated on that--on the feel of good touch, the natural warmth of being desired--she was fine. More than fine. So much more than fine. Edward’s hands were gentle. He didn’t try to take control from her. He didn’t grasp or grab or squeeze too hard. He didn’t take what she didn’t offer. She was the one to lift her hips and guide herself down on him, but he was the one who held her tight, his hand firm on her back, when they rocked together, his back against the wall and her head on his shoulder.

 

It wasn’t so intimate. They were both mostly dressed, and neither of them spoke save for his occasional, breathless, “Oh, God.” But it was strangely not awkward. It felt as though they were having a conversation. An invigorating, interesting conversation with their bodies instead of words.

 

“Bella,” Edward said raggedly, and she raised her head. It took her a minute to realize he was close to his release.

 

She leaned in to nip at his lips. “It’s okay,” she said, reaching between them, circling him where he was sliding in and out of her. God, that was amazing. He was thick and hot beneath her hand. “I’m okay.”

 

It was the truth. There was no way she was going to orgasm, but that hardly mattered to her. He couldn’t possibly understand what he was doing for her was so much better than the best orgasm.

 

He groaned, burying his head against her neck, his teeth digging into her flesh just slightly. She stroked the hairs at his neck, feeling powerful and beautiful as he pulsed inside her.

 

She was proud. Two years she’d been afraid of this. Maybe she would never have to be afraid again.

 

Edward lifted his head, kissing a line along her neck and up until he reached her lips. He kissed her long and languidly, laying back on the bed and bringing her with him.

  
They fell asleep like that--Bella draped over him, satisfied beyond measure. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to songster and myheroin.
> 
> So that’s Bella…
> 
> I’m going to be working the polls (ehehehe) all day tomorrow, so let me know what you’re thinking, good or bad. It’ll be a good distraction. HEARTS! And GO VOTE!
> 
> Oh. My favorite Slam poem is Neil Hilborn & Ollie Renee Schminkey - "One Color”. What’s yours?


	3. Chapter 2 - Shock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Oh ,boy. Here we go.

Edward was confused.

 

Coming out of sleep unexpectedly was always confusing, but this was something different. Since his brain hadn’t restarted yet, he was only aware of sensation. His body ached and no wonder. He was curled up in a small space which was odd. He had an otherwise empty king-sized bed, after all. His heart was beating too fast. He hadn’t just woken up out of nowhere; he’d been startled awake.

 

“Oof.” Edward blinked, a little breathless at a sharp pain at his belly.

 

It took another half-minute for Edward to realize the random pains were a sharp elbow striking him. That was what had his heart racing. There was a girl in his arms. He blinked again. Bella. Her name was Bella, and she wasn’t sleeping peacefully.

 

She was asleep. Her eyes were closed. She murmured frantically in her sleep, and as Edward’s mind became more alert, he could make out the words.

 

“No. Please. Mike. Please, no.” She said those three words in variations over and over again, and as she did, she struggled.

 

Edward vaguely remembered when he fell asleep, she’d been draped on top of him. Now he was on his side, his back pressed against the wall in her tiny bed. Tiny dorm room bed… But Edward couldn’t think about that now. His arm, loose around her at first, had tightened around her when she began flailing, and that was a mistake.

 

“No!” She shoved away from him so hard, she fell right off the bed and onto her ass. Edward pushed up onto his arms, peering down at her. She blinked, sightless, her chest heaving. She was hyperventilating, he realized, and he slid off the bed, onto the floor.

 

With a wordless cry, she scrambled backward, crab-like, away from him. “Don’t,” she said between gasps. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… I’m sorry.”

 

Edward had to swallow down the bile that rose, burning, in his throat. He’d spent some time volunteering at a women’s shelter--one of the million things he’d done to fill an abundance of free time. He’d seen panic attacks and night terrors.

 

“Bella,” he said, keeping his voice steady. “You’re safe. Bella. No one is going to hurt you. Listen to me. No one is going to hurt you.”

 

She was still breathing too fast, but she was blinking rapidly now. “Mike?” she asked, uncertain.

 

“No. I’m Edward.”

 

Bella pulled her legs up to her chin, sitting with her back against her roommate's thankfully still-empty bed. She buried her face in her knees, just calming down. “Fuck,” she said.

 

Edward crawled on his hands and knees the few feet to the other side of the room and sat next to her, leaving a good amount of space between them. He briefly touched the tips of his fingers to her knuckles, just letting her know he was there. She cringed at first, but she turned her head enough to the side that she saw his hand open, palm up. After another minute, she took his hand and squeezed. Hard. Edward didn’t protest. Broken fingers were probably the least of what he deserved.

 

With his free hand, he rubbed his eyes, trying to figure out just what the fuck had happened last night. There’d been no alcohol involved, and yet his memories had the same hazy quality to them.

 

It was her words. Edward had only been half paying attention before Bella took to the mic.Then she spoke and somehow managed to rip him apart in the space of a few stanzas. In over a decade, he’d never heard the right set of words to describe what it had been like to watch his baby son fade away right in front of his eyes. The profound grief. The helpless fury. The sheer terror. The maelstrom that built inside him with no outlet--a creature clawing and scratching and destroying him quietly, dragging him toward an abyss. It was chaos and pain and then…

 

The silence. The terrible, yawning, desolate silence of his heart.

 

She knew.

 

He wasn’t an idiot. He could read well enough between the lines. Their situations weren’t the same at all. Whomever Mike was, Edward could bet he wasn’t dead. But despite her words, and despite whatever horror she’d live through, Bella had owned that stage. She looked the part too--platform “these boots are made for walking” boots, sleek black skirt, fishnets, and a cropped leather jacket. What she was wearing wasn’t revealing. It was the kind of get up that suggested she wouldn’t have looked out of place in a superhero movie.

 

All night he kept trying to remind himself she was a kid--and she was. She had to be. He knew a Freshman dorm when he saw one, and now, trembling after whatever god-awful nightmare she’d awoken from, she looked heartbreakingly young and fragile. He really didn’t know he was thinking of her that way until she was kissing him, and then…

 

Then it had all happened really fast.

 

The pressure around his fingers eased, and Bella lifted her head, exhaling in a gust. “I’m sorry.” She stared straight forward, her voice neither strong and clear as it had been all night, nor fearful and tremulous as it had been just a few minutes before. It was empty and dead.

 

“Don’t be.” He hesitated, but he moved his hand to touch her knee.

 

Bella shot up to her feet, and Edward could have kicked himself. It had been an innocent gesture, and she was still wearing her skirt--though her fishnets had been tossed across the room ages ago--but after an attack like that, he should have known better than to touch her. “I’m sorry. I-”

 

“No. Look.” She paced a couple of steps back and forth, running a hand through her hair. “This is awkward, and fuck...it’s so cliche.” She stood still, rolling her head back so she could stare at the ceiling. “But I don’t do things like this.” She gulped. Her next words ran together. “And I really need it to not happen again.”

 

Edward looked up at her, watching, a little dumbfounded, as she wrung her hands. Then he couldn’t help it. He laughed, rubbing his eyes again in relief. “Thank Christ.”

 

He regretted the words the minute he said them, and he was on his feet, his hands out, imploring. “I didn’t mean it like that.” That was, quite possibly, the rudest thing he’d ever said in his life. “I’m just trying to say we’re on the same page. I think. The it happened and it was good.” Damn good. “But you’re not interested in breakfast or a repeat performance.”

 

Her shoulders slumped, and she glanced at him from under her eyelashes, sheepish. “Yeah. That’s the page.”

 

“That page is good with me,” he said, offering her a small smile. He started to look around for the few missing items of clothing he had.

 

“You don’t… I mean, it’s dark. It feels kind of shitty to kick you out now,” she said, watching him.

 

It was painfully obvious that she hadn’t been lying when she said she didn’t do things like this. She sounded exactly like what she was: a girl who seemed to be navigating the often-awkward morning after for…

 

The first time?

 

Edward shook that thought away. They had already agreed it was none of his business, and in all honesty, he didn’t want to make it his business. “You’re not kicking me out. I’m wide awake now. I’ll have no problem getting home.”

 

She helped him gather his things and walked him to the door. There, Edward hesitated. His fingers twitched at his sides, and then he raised his hand to cup her face. He didn’t kiss her, though he had to fight that impulse, but he did run his thumb over her lips. With a sigh, he let his hand drop back down at his side. “Take care of yourself,” he said.

 

He walked away, wondering why his parting words felt woefully inadequate.

_**~0~** _

Edward got home and fell into his bed, but he only slept for three hours before a persistent knock at his door drew him right back out.

 

“What the hell happened to you last night?” Alice asked by way of greeting.

 

“Good morning to you too, Alice,” Edward said, tightening his robe around him and stepping back so his sister could come in. She didn’t move past the foyer. She was looking at him with that pinched, hurt expression he hated. “I’m sorry.”

 

“You told Jasper you’d stay.”

 

“Something came up.”

 

A ghost of a memory came to him with those words. Alice and Edward were the same age, born just weeks apart. The Cullens had adopted her when she was three, and she’d been Edward’s best friend most of his life. Once upon a time, she might have snickered at his words, making a risque double entendre. She would have been right in this case, but there was no way he was going to tell Alice about what he’d done. But for a brief moment, he really wanted to.

 

“I’ll forgive you...if-”

 

He raised an eyebrow. “If?”

 

Her expression turned pleading. “Come to brunch with us. Jasper, Damien, and me.”

 

Edward took an involuntary step backward, and his sister pounced. “Come on, Edward. Damien misses you.”

 

“Damien is six months old. He doesn’t know who I am, and he doesn’t care.”

 

“But he will. That’s the point. You were a great uncle to Emmett’s kids.”

 

Edward scoffed. “Aiden hates me.”

 

“Because he was ten years old when you abandoned everyone.”

 

“Then I must not be a great uncle.”

 

At first, Alice looked like she was about to argue. Then she slumped a bit, wrapping her hands around her arms. “Edward...I miss you. You’re hardly around, but you’ve been a ghost since I got pregnant with Damien. It feels a lot like you’re mad at me.”

 

“That’s ridiculous. Did you really come over here to pick a fight with me?”

 

“No, you moron. I came over here because I miss the hell out of you. And because you’re finally doing to me what you did to everyone else ten years ago.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“Oh, don’t play dumb, Edward. When was the last time you came to a family thing? All of us? But you used to see me and Jasper fairly frequently until we changed our minds about having kids. Well, fuck that.” She took a step toward him, and he took another step back. “Don’t pull away from us, from me. I want my son to have his whole family.”

 

Edward lashed out then, knocking over the end table in the hall, sending mail flying everywhere. “That fact you even think that’s possible is why I stay the hell away.”

 

Alice’s eyes were red-rimmed by then, and he could read the grief in her features. “He’s not gone from us, Edward. He--”

 

“Shut up, Alice. Don’t start that bullshit. He is gone from us. If you’re going to tell me his spirit is with us, or  he’s alive in our hearts, or whatever other nonsense people tell themselves to feel okay about this kind of crap, you can save it. He’s not here. Trust me. No one knows that better than me.”

 

He walked a few steps away from his sister, rubbing his eyes, trying to put walls around the grief that always lurked just beneath the surface of his skin. This was why he didn’t see his family. They always set off a domino effect, and he wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about things like how he should be enjoying the last few months of his son’s childhood before he became a sullen pre-teen. He would start wondering about what Xavier would have been like, if he would have liked music, or if he’d be able to draw. Would he be a quiet, shy boy or loud and obnoxious like his uncle Emmett?

 

“Look, I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night,” he said, not looking at Alice. “We’ll...get dinner or something this week.”

 

“You and me, or all four of us?” Alice asked.

 

Edward huffed out a breath. He knew his sister well enough to understand her pushing him to go out with her, Jasper, and the baby was a compromise. She could have been asking him to come to Emmett’s twins’ birthday, which was next week. “All of you,” he said, and then walked to the door, opening it for her.

 

Her gaze lingered on him a few beats longer, as though she were considering pushing, but then she nodded. “Okay. Go back to sleep, you lazy ass.”

 

They hugged, and Edward tried his best to mean it. He knew his family was hurt by his distance, and Alice was right. He’d been closer to her than just about anyone until about a year ago.

 

When the door was closed, and Edward was alone again, he leaned with his back against the wall. He breathed in and out through his nose, looking around his neat, empty house, and he tried his hardest to keep his mind blank.

 

It didn’t work, but then, it never did.

_**~Early May~** _

Since his professor liked to hurry off directly after class, Edward typically spent a few minutes on the bench outside the classroom. He rifled through his notes, ignoring the steady stream of students around him as he made a list of the names and events he wanted to delve into on his own.

 

When he was done, he pulled his bag onto his lap and began to pack up. As he did, a flyer caught his eye. The poetry club was having another open slam poetry reading tonight.

 

Automatically, Edward’s thoughts turned to the poet-girl he’d spent a night with. He’d thought of her off and on these last five weeks. He hadn’t been with very many women since Kate, but Bella stuck out for a few reasons. Edward tapped the side of his bag.

 

It wasn’t as though he wanted to see her because he wanted a repeat performance; he really didn’t. He hadn’t been lying to her when he said he admired what she did. If he had the chance to see any artist he admired perform, he would take it. That was all. She never had to know he was there.

 

Besides, Jasper would be there, obviously. Ever since Alice’s little hissy fit, he’d been trying to be better about seeing his family. When he could work in a visit without seeing everyone all at once, so much the better.

 

He didn't hate his family. He was just the grumpy prematurely old man, and why should they have to deal with that?

 

Edward stalled, getting a coffee for himself and his brother-in-law. The event still hadn’t started when he slipped in the back. His eyes swept the room, looking for Bella. Just because he didn’t want her to get the wrong idea. That was all.

 

Jasper found him first. “Hey, Edward. What are you doing here?”

 

“I come bearing gifts of coffee,” he said, proffering him one of the cups in his hand.

 

His brother-in-law grinned. “Ah, I knew you were good for something. But really, what are you doing here?”

 

Edward shrugged. “I enjoyed the style of poetry.”

 

“It can be very powerful.”

 

Edward hummed and cleared his throat. “There was a girl who performed last time who was particularly good. The White Knight poem.”

 

Jasper cocked his head. “Bella Swan.”

 

“Maybe. Is she reading again?”

 

When Jasper didn’t answer right away, Edward looked over to him. His brother-in-law was studying him with a strange look on his face. Edward quirked an eyebrow. It was a perfectly innocent question, but Jasper’s expression suggested he heard something Edward hadn’t said. It was an annoying quirk the man had, and Edward steadied his stare. There was no story there.

 

Jasper gestured with his chin over Edward’s shoulder. “Why don’t you ask her yourself?”

 

Edward’s eyes widened and he fought back a grimace as he turned around. Sure enough, Bella was standing behind him, but that wasn’t what had him doing a double-take. Whatever he might have said went out the window. He took a step forward, his hand out just in case he needed to steady her. Her pallor was sickly, and she looked like she was about to faint.

 

“It is you,” she said in a strange voice.

 

“Are you all right?”

 

She opened her mouth and then closed it again, swaying alarmingly.

 

He touched a hand to her shoulder. “Come on. Let’s get you some air.”

 

Her movements were somewhat jerky, like her body couldn’t decide whether or not she could stand to be near him. He had no idea what she was thinking, but getting her out into the fresh air seemed like a priority.

 

Once outside, she sank right down on the concrete, sitting with her head hanging between her knees. Edward hovered, not knowing quite what to do. She couldn’t look more different than the first time he saw her. Back then, she’d looked the part of a young woman ready to kick ass and take names. Today, she was dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt. Even before she’d sat down, she’d looked huddled and small. She shivered, and Edward shrugged out of his coat. April evenings in Flagstaff, AZ were still quite cold.

 

Bella reached a hand up to finger the fabric of his coat. “Thank you,” she said, sounding a little shaky. “I got so dizzy.” She took a deep breath, closing her eyes. “What are you doing here?”

 

Edward hesitated only a minute before he decided the truth was harmless. Besides, his parents had taught him sincere compliments should be given whenever possible and to whomever deserved them. “It wasn’t planned. I saw a flyer and I wanted to hear you read again.” He coughed into his hand. “I wasn’t planning on bothering you,” he said in case she was nervous about that.

 

He saw her lip twitch. She made to get up, and when he offered her a hand, she took it. She let go right away, taking a few steps backward and crossing her arms. She pressed her lips into a thin line.

 

Troubled. She was definitely troubled about something.

 

“Maybe it’s a good thing you’re here,” she murmured, so soft he wasn’t sure at first that she’d spoken at all.

 

He ducked his head, trying to catch her eyes. “What did you say?”

 

She sighed, looking around at the milling students. She started to walk toward the back of the building. Bewildered and concerned for her, Edward followed.

 

“I didn’t expect to see you,” Bella began out of nowhere, already stumbling and tripping over her words. “I thought about asking Professor Whitlock about you. I saw you talking to him before. I figured he had to know you.”

 

“Uh, Jasper is married to my sister.”

 

“Oh,” she said. Her pace picked up, but she doubled back just as quickly, beginning to pace. “This is… I shouldn’t… I didn’t…”

 

Worried, Edward reached out, grabbing her by her shoulders just to get her to stop. She finally looked up at him, her eyes tortured. “I’m pregnant,” she blurted.

 

Edward stopped breathing. His stomach dropped down his feet. His mind went white, and his body seized, at a loss for what to do first. He was frozen for four eons-long seconds.

 

Then he sucked in a breath, his mind actually beginning to work again, though only with a base instinct. He reacted without conscious thought. There was what was real and what was not. Those words couldn’t exist. They couldn’t. There was no way he could deal with what those two words meant. Only one woman had ever uttered those words to him, and she had been euphoric. They had been euphoric, and this…It was abhorrent--incongruent with any possible reality. His brain rejected it.

 

Out of his mind, he grabbed her by the upper arms and shook her. Hard. He heard her cry out, and yet he kept on shaking. “You’re not. You’re not.”

 

“Stop it!” Her tone was sharp, and she tried to twist out of his grip. He held her fast. “Let go.”

 

He didn’t. He shook her again. "This can't happen. This isn't going to happen. Do you understand? It can't."

 

She grunted and brought her leg up, kneeing him hard in the groin. She bolted as he fell.

 

That's how Jasper found him a few minutes later, still on the ground, though kneeling now, hands at his groin, chanting, "fuck," in a frantic whisper while he tried not to throw up.

 

It didn't work. He turned to the the side and retched just as Jasper dropped to a knee beside him.

 

"Edward? What the hell is going on?"

  
Edward groaned. The agony of his wounded cock had the effect of clearing his head. As physical pain slowly abated, self-disgust and unadulterated terror brought on a completely different kind of pain. "I fucked up," he said in a raw whisper. His stomach twisted sickeningly as as the full realization of what he'd just done to that poor girl settled on his shoulders. He threaded his fingers through his hair and pulled savagely. "Jesus Christ. I fucked up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to songster and myheroin.
> 
> Hmmm. Okay, so. I’m going to try my damndest to get you another chapter out before I leave on a trip in a little less than a week. But fair warning. I might fail miserably in that goal as I have two papers due in school this week. EEEEK.
> 
> Anyway. How are we feeling, kids?


	4. Chapter 3 - Grovel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: For the anon who asked about the mistletoe contest, you can find it here: www dot fanfiction dot net / u / 6149179/ Mistletoe-Contest
> 
> Fair warning...this might be a hard chapter for some folks, but fyi, only DISCUSSIONS happen here. If you have a question as to what that means or get uncomfortable at some point, PLEASE feel free to ask me. I don’t mind spoiling you if it makes you more comfortable.

“Ah, shit.”

 

Bella blinked away the lethargy of sleep and rolled over in bed.  Her body ached from being coiled so tightly. She hadn’t moved much from her bed since she’d hidden in it after running away from Edward the day before.

 

She was dimly aware that Emily, her roommate, had opened the door, but she hadn’t gone anywhere. She was holding what looked like an envelope in her hand, her expression furious. Bella shuddered, fear curling in her chest. “What’s that?” she asked, certain she already knew.

 

Emily opened the envelope and skimmed the note inside. “It’s from the asshole.” Her tone was acerbic, but her lips quirked as she read. “It’s...not bad. Do you want to read it, or do you want me to read it to you? Or we could still call the cops, Bella.”

 

“No. No cops.” Bella shuddered. She knew well enough calling the cops didn’t mean she was protected. The cops could make him angry, and there was still a chance he would just go away. She sat up, pressing her back against the wall and drawing her knees up to her chest. Staring at the letter in Emily’s hand, she felt a rush of irrational fear, as though the paper itself would attack her. Her hand trembled as she reached out. “Give it to me.”

 

Emily came to sit beside her, shoulder to shoulder, and handed her the paper. Bella took a deep breath, grateful beyond words that her roommate had been so understanding. She leaned her head on Emily’s shoulder and gathered the courage to see what Edward had to say.

 

It was a short note written in an elegant, neat script.

 

Bella-

 

I am incredibly sorry about how I reacted yesterday. I won’t offer you excuses for what I did, but please know I’m so, so sorry. I can’t tell you how disgusted I am with myself for hurting and scaring you.

 

I hope you’ll give me the chance to explain myself, and of course, we need to talk. Whatever it takes to make you comfortable, I’ll do anything.

 

He’d left his number and address with a note she could call any time.

 

Bella crumpled the note in her hands, trembling hard now. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut against the tears and rested her head on her knees, rocking back and forth.

 

“You don’t owe him anything, Bella,” Emily said, rubbing her back.

 

“I know,” she said, her voice shaking. She gasped with a strangled sob. “I’m so stupid. I’m so, so stupid.”

 

“You’re not stupid. There’s nothing wrong with you.”

 

Bella groaned, shaking her head without lifting it. “No, I’m a fucking moron. Why did I tell him, Em? I wasn’t going to tell him, especially since…I mean, I hadn’t decided if…” She shuddered, unable to bring herself to complete the thought. “But, then he was just there. And he was so sweet to me. He was sweet to me that night and last night until I told him. I just said it. I just said it out loud and now I can’t take it back.”

 

“I fail to see how that makes you a moron.”

 

Sniffling wretchedly, Bella turned her head to the side, opening stinging eyes to regard her friend. “Because when I saw him, I wanted to believe it was going to be okay. He was so sweet,” she repeated, her tone mournful. “But M-mike could be sweet too. I should have known better.”

 

Emily hugged her. “It wasn’t stupid to hope this guy wasn’t anything like Mike. Honey, you know there are plenty of really great guys out there.”

 

“Yeah, well. Either I’m an idiot, or there’s something wrong with me. Two for two. And now this.” She whimpered, her mind automatically shying away from the fact she hadn’t really let settle into her head--the tiny fact that was growing bigger and more undeniable.

 

Out of nowhere, a rush of anger hit her, breaking through the terrible terror. She got to her feet and started to look for her jeans. “Do you have anywhere to be right now?” she asked Emily.

 

“No. What are you doing?”

 

“I’m going to go see Professor Whitlock.” She was pleased that her voice didn’t shake even though the words sent a thrill of fear down her spine. “I just...don’t want to be alone right now.”

 

“Sister, you know I got your back.”

**~0~**

Twenty minutes later, they’d tracked Professor Whitlock down at his office. He sat at his desk, gesturing for both of them to have a seat. Bella was having a hard time tamping down an urge to run. This man was Edward Cullen’s brother-in-law. It would be natural for him to be in his corner. She wondered how much he knew about what was going on, or what lies Edward might have told him.

 

His face was, as ever, open and concerned. And Emily was there. They were in a very public building with people bustling right outside. Nothing was going to happen here.

 

“I need…” Her words were timorous and Bella stopped. She took a deep breath, trying to calm the hammering of her heart. “What did Edward tell you about us?” she asked, tripping a little over the words.

 

The professor studied her, his face still open and compassionate. “He wouldn’t tell me anything, but I’ve never seen him so upset.”

 

Beside her, Emily scoffed. “Oh, he’s upset. Poor fucking baby.”

 

Professor Whitlock raised his head to look at her, but he didn’t seem angry. “To say he was distraught was putting it mildly.” Curiosity flickered across his face. “Did you hit him?” he asked.

 

Again, before Bella could respond, Emily blew up. “A kick to the nuts was the least of what that asshole deserved, and if I see him, you can bet your ass he’ll be lucky if I stop at breaking his nose.”

 

Bella stared at her friend, wide-eyed. Emily was tough, but she was also very kind. Bella hadn’t ever heard her talk about anyone this way. Then again, there was a reason Emily empathized so much with Bella.

 

“Look, that...that doesn’t matter,” Bella said before either one of them could speak. “I came to ask you if you could do something for me.”

 

“Of course,” the professor said readily.

 

“I need you to tell Edward…” She had to suck in a breath. Her heart hurt at the words she was about to say. When she said the words, it would all be real. Really happening, and god, she just needed it all to stop. “Please just tell him there’s nothing to talk about. He doesn’t have to worry. He’ll get what he wants. I’m going to take care of it,” she said to her lap.

 

“Bella…” Emily began, her tone shocked. Of course. Bella hadn’t discussed this part with her.

 

Really, she hadn’t thought about it. She hadn’t thought about much of anything. She just needed her world to be right side up again. She needed this all to have not happened.

 

Maybe she and Edward weren’t so different after all.

 

“Please,” she repeated, still not lifting her head to look at the professor. She needed to get out of there before her heart broke. She didn’t want to break down in front of this man. She didn’t want Edward to know. “Will you just tell him? It’ll be like I never existed. That’s the best thing for both of us. Please.”

 

“I...Yes. Yes, of course. I’ll tell him, but Bella--”

 

“Thank you,” Bella said. She stood and grabbed Emily, hauling her up and dragging her out of the office.

 

They almost made it out of the building before Bella had to stop. She sat down hard on the thankfully-deserted stairs, close to hyperventilating.

  
Before they’d left their dorm, Bella had dressed similarly to how she had been when Edward saw her that first night. Some days, her clothes were her armor, her way of convincing herself she was strong because she looked the part. Today, she felt anything but.

 

She had nothing to show for two years of hard work. She was the same pathetic girl she had been, bowed and conquerable.

**~0~**

Later that evening,  Bella was huddled under all her blankets and most of Emily's. Still she was cold to her core. She cried off and on, but mostly, she stared at the wall, willing her mind to stay numb.

 

She was too tired to sleep, and what a desolate feeling that was. There wasn't much she wouldn't have given to be able to slide into the arms of unconsciousness for a few hours.

 

A knock on the door roused her, and Bella tensed. She rolled over, propping herself on her elbow, looking between Emily and the door. Her heart hammered.

 

Emily closed her laptop and picked up her phone. "Who is it?" she called, looking at Bella with an expression that promised she would keep her safe.

 

"Edward Cullen."

 

Bella sat up, automatically wedging herself into the furthest corner of her bed and the wall. She struggled to throw the blankets off her so she was free to run, though there was no place to go. "Don't open it," she called to Emily when her friend marched up to the door.

 

"I won't," Emily said quietly. Then her expression turned fierce as she banged on the door hard. "You better get the hell away from us right the fuck now.”

 

“Please. Two minutes. Bella? If you’re in there. Please, just give me two minutes to explain,” Edward said through the door. He didn’t sound angry. He was pleading, not demanding.

 

“You’re a psychotic prick,” Emily yelled, banging on the door again for emphasis. Bella jolted with the sound. “There’s not much else to say. Get away. Don’t come back.”

 

“Please, I-”

 

“I’m calling the police, asshole. Not the campus security. The fucking police. She’s got bruises, you piece of crap. Don’t think they won’t haul your ass in for that shit.”

 

Bella’s breath left her in a huff. It was true. There were bruises on her arms where he’d grabbed her. She’d had worse, but she could get him arrested, as Emily had been telling her since the day before. It was what happened after the arrest that terrified Bella. The marks weren’t bad and grabbing wasn’t the same as beating.

 

There was silence for a minute. Emily still stared at the door with phone in hand, and Bella had her hands tangled in her hair, tense and waiting. He was still there. He hadn’t walked away.

 

Sure enough, just a few seconds later he spoke again, his voice hoarse and wrecked. “Bella, please. Please open the door. I’m on my knees. I’m literally on my knees.”

 

That broke through Bella’s panic. His tone had set off every instinct she had to comfort, and his words brought an interesting image. Bella knew damn well he was a lot older than she was. Not ancient by any stretch of the imagination, but firmly adult. The thought of a grown man groveling in front of a college dorm room was...interesting.

 

Emily turned to her and raised an eyebrow, holding her phone out. “Do you want me to see?”

 

Stunned, Bella nodded. “Take your pepper spray.”

 

Emily shifted her phone to her left hand, thumb poised over the send button where she had 9-1-1 pulled up. She reached for her keys on her desk and with it the pepper spray attached. She opened the door an inch, peering out with the pepper spray ready. She huffed. “He’s not lying,” she said.

 

Bella unwound herself, putting her legs one by one on the floor. When she nodded to Emily, her friend opened the door all the way to show her that Edward was indeed on his knees, heedless of the scattered college kids snickering behind him.

 

He looked about how he sounded. His eyes were red-rimmed and tortured. His hair was a mess. “Please. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He looked at her with guilt and shame written so plainly on his features, Bella had to believe him even as she told herself she knew better.

 

Mike had been sorry too, once upon a time.

 

She wiped a shaking hand over her eyes, stumbling a couple of steps backward until she was up against the furthest wall away from him. “Fine,” she said, her voice barely a breath. “You have two minutes. But Emily’s staying.”

 

Edward got slowly to his feet, nodding. “Thank you.”

 

He’d only taken two steps in the door when Emily stopped him. “That’s far enough.” She closed the door and pointed at a spot on the wall beside it. “You stay right there. You move a muscle, you’re not going to be able to see tonight. And then I’m still calling the cops, you get me?”

 

To his credit, he took her seriously. In fact, the way he ducked his head when he nodded, he looked like a convicted criminal being dressed down by a prison guard.

 

Emily sat down at her desk. “Speak,” she commanded.

 

Edward took a deep breath and looked to Bella. “I won’t ever be able to tell you how sorry I am about what I did and for the things I said. You didn’t deserve that.”

 

Fury was warring with fear for dominance over her emotional state. Anger was easier, especially when he was right in front of her. “It’s not like I don’t get how you feel, but yeah, you probably should have used words like a big boy instead of letting your inner psychotic bastard come out.”

 

He sucked in a shaky breath, making even more of a disaster of his hair. “But that’s the thing--what I said...it’s not how I feel at all. I...First and foremost, it’s not my body; it’s not my choice. I believe that absolutely, and it should never have occurred to me that I could demand things of you. I’m sorry.

 

“But beyond that, it...it’s something I wanted, once. Something I’ve thought for a very long time now I couldn’t have. I don’t know how to explain to you what happened. I’m not a violent man, Bella. I’ve never touched anyone like that, let alone a…” --he closed his eyes briefly-- “A pregnant woman. It was...panic, I suppose. I just wasn’t expecting that. I’m not trying to make excuses. I’d give anything to be able to go back and react with some degree of rationality.That wasn’t me, and that wasn’t who I’d ever want to be.”

 

Bella tightened her arms around herself. “What...What are you saying?” She’d heard his whole speech, of course, but she was kind of stuck on one part. “Are you saying that you actually want this kid?”

 

“I-”

 

But Bella was already beyond the point she could hear whatever he had to say. “No, no. This isn’t what I want. I didn’t want to tell you in the first place. I was going to…” She cut off with a whimper and shook her head vehemently, curling backward against the wall. “I don’t want to. I don’t. But I have to.”

 

“Why do-”

 

“No. Shut up. Shut up. You’re giving me fucking whiplash. You tried to shake the damn thing out of me yesterday, and now you’re coming in here with this whole ‘I’ve wanted this for a long time’ story? I can’t be subject to your moods and whims. I need this to not be happening. I-”

 

“Bella.” He took a step forward, but Emily was already across the room. She took Bella under one arm and pointed at Edward with the other.

 

“You stay there, asshole. Don’t you come near her.”

 

Edward held his hands out, palms up. “Okay. I’m here. And no, Bella. It’s your choice. It’s all your choice. I didn’t know what to think. I don’t know what to think, and I don’t know the right thing to say, except that I needed you to know. I needed you to know everything before you made any decisions, because I don’t want it to be about what I did.”

 

“What else can it be about?” Bella shouted. “Oh, god. I can’t do it again. Not for me. I know how this fucking works. I just got my life back, and you want to take it? Because that’s what will happen. I have your baby, and I’m stuck. You own me. I want…. I don’t want...But I can’t…” She gasped, beginning to hyperventilate.

 

“I lost a baby, okay?” Edward blurted.

 

Bella looked up, still gasping for breath, but shocked by his words.

 

“I…” His shoulders fell and he slumped back against the wall. “I had a baby. Xavier. He got sick when he was five months old, and he was gone before he was one.” He bowed his head, pinching the bridge of his nose and breathing deeply.

 

“It’s not that I want you to...to terminate the pregnancy,” he said, his voice quiet and broken. “I don’t know how to explain what came over me. I lost my baby ten years ago, and it’s been hard to be around kids since then. I thought he was my one chance, the only baby I’d ever have, and for a moment, I needed this not to be happening.”

 

Bella clung to Emily, still staring at him, trying to catch her breath.

 

Edward breathed in and out again and looked up at her. “But it is happening, and I needed to be honest with you. That’s the least I can give you, after what I did.”

 

With a whimper, Bella broke free of Emily’s arms and sunk down with her back against the wall. “Oh, god. You’re making me a monster.”

 

“What?” Edward said at the same time Emily said, “Bella.”

 

Bella took a shaky breath, trying to find calm. “How could I do it to you? That’s what you’re saying now, isn’t it? The worst thing that could happen to me is all that shit happening all over again. The worst thing that could happen to you is losing another kid.”

 

“That’s not-” Edward began, but he cut himself off. Bella saw the flash of agony that went over his face. It was true regardless of whether or not he wanted it to be. “I wasn’t trying to manipulate you. I was just trying to explain that I panicked.”

 

“Because you needed this not to be happening,” Bella repeated, her voice dead. She was so tired. “You needed this not to exist so there wouldn’t be even a small possibility you could lose that again.” She sniffled and wiped at her eyes. “But that’s what this is to me, too. The worst thing.”

 

Emily slid down the wall beside her, wrapping her tightly in her arms. Bella rested her head on her friend’s shoulder and spoke again, the words. Her pride hardly seemed to matter just then. There was no way out of this that didn’t include her total destruction. She had nothing left to lose. “My ex. Mike. He tried to take this choice away from me. He took everything else, and this was the one thing. The one thing, and then…” She shook her head as her throat closed off.

 

But when she looked at him, there was horror, pain, and most of all, understanding in his eyes. He got it. He understood the impasse they were at. He too sat down on the floor on his side of the room, staring at her with a myriad of emotions flickering through his sad green eyes. They’d made a mess of things, and now it seemed like the only paths they had led to one or both of their undoing.

 

How could they do this to each other?

 

After a long minute and a silence as heavy as a cement mixer, Edward spoke softly. “Okay, how about this. Maybe we could spend a little more time together.”

 

Beside her, Emily huffed, but Edward continued. “Let me prove to you I’m not the monster I acted like last night. It is your choice, and I promise you, Bella, I’ll never blame you for whatever choice you make. But please, have all the facts before you make it. You have some time yet, I think.”

 

“Some,” she agreed, voice gravelly.

 

“You don’t have to, Bella,” Emily said softly. But by the tone of her voice, Bella could tell at the very least, Edward had made her uncertain of her earlier evaluation that he was an abusive asshole.

 

“I meant what I said in my note,” Edward said. “Regardless of your decision, I’ll do anything I can to make up for what I did.”

 

Bella laughed without humor, covering her face with her hands.

 

God help her, she wanted so much to believe him.

 

She raised a hand to her arm, pressing purposefully on the tender skin so she could remember the bite of pain, the pure malevolence on his face when he grabbed her. She remembered the way her teeth rattled when he shook her. How he only gripped her tighter when she told him to let go.

 

How much she wanted to believe it was just a mistake, a reaction to an acute and extreme stress. He could have been the kindest man in the world and this pregnancy wouldn’t have been a good thing, but this...

 

Making the wrong choice again after what she’d already been through could kill her.

 

The problem was, she had no idea what the right choice was or if it even existed.

 

She studied him through her fingers.

 

“One conversation,” she said finally. “Outdoors. In public. I can give you that, but that’s all I can promise.”

 

Edward took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay.”

 

“I’m going to tell you right now, you step a toe out of line, and I’ll hold you down so she can kick your ass,” Emily said, completely serious. “And then I have a boyfriend who will rip you to pieces without asking questions if that’s what I want. Are we clear on that?”

 

Bella thought she saw Edward’s lip twitch, but he nodded. “That’s more than fair.”

 

“That’s way more than you deserve, prick.”

  
“I’m not arguing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many, many thanks to Packy2.0, songster, and myonlyheroin for all their help and for painting my doc all kinds of pretty colors.   
> There. I feel a little better about leaving you guys here. Next update will probably be in around two weeks. Thank you so much for your response.


	5. Chapter 4 - Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hola from Tampa. I’m waiting for my time to disembark after a lovely cruise. I came home to an awesome review from Songster over on FicSister’s. Mina made me such a gorgeous banner. I’m going to upload it for you when I get home. I’m so glad I have a new chapter ready for upi

**~April, 11 Years Ago~**

“What the heck are you doing?”

 

Edward looked up with a halfcocked smile that fell almost instantly. He pushed away from the kitchen table and went to his wife, pushing a damp lock of hair back away from her sickly, pallid face. “Oh, come here, sweetheart.” He looped his hands loosely around her waist and pulled her to him.

 

Kate sighed and rested her head on his shoulder, curling against him. “I don’t like this part.”

 

He shifted her in his arms so her back was tight against his chest. He kissed the side of her hair and pressed his palm against her belly. “I don’t like it either, but I know something that will make you feel better.”

 

“Are you about to tell me that bad morning sickness means the baby is healthy? Because that’s a crock of horseshit anyway. My sister, damn her, wasn’t sick a single day, and her baby is healthy and fat.”

 

“I was going to say I was doing some math.” He swayed them gently. “If I figured everything right, our little stomach upset should be remedied somewhere around the end of December.”

 

She craned her head up to look at him, a smile tugging at her lips despite the gray-green color of her face. “I hadn’t even thought about it. A Christmas baby? Really?”

 

Edward nuzzled the side of her ear. “It’s perfect. Just another reason to love Christmas.” He kissed her temple again and then swept her up into his arms.

 

Kate yelped, wrapped her arms automatically around his neck. “What are you doing?”

 

“Putting you and my baby to bed,” he said, carrying her to their room.

**~April, Present Day~**

Edward walked away from Bella’s dorm room in a haze. Nothing felt real. He walked, but he couldn’t have said where he was going. He’d broken out in a cold sweat, and as he made his way across the campus, he began to tremble badly. By the time he made it to his brother-in-law’s office, his breath was coming in gasps, and his vision was spotty.“I think I’m having a heart attack,” he said.

 

Jasper shot up from his desk and was at his side in an instant, a hand to Edward’s shoulder. “No. No you’re not. Come on. Sit down.”

 

Edward let himself be guided down into a seat. He clutched at his chest, panicky when he found he couldn’t take a deep breath.

 

“You’re having a panic attack,” Jasper said, his tone calm. He’d moved off to the side but came back now with a water bottle. “Close your eyes. Take slow, even breaths. Try to drink a little when you can. You’re going to be fine.”

 

“How the hell do you know?” Edward snapped, but he did what Jasper said.

 

Jasper squeezed his shoulder and sat down in the chair beside him. “I’ve run the poetry and creative writing groups on campus since I started here three years ago. There’s some truth to the whole tortured artist thing. I’ve seen my share of panic attacks.”

 

Edward grunted and kept breathing. He pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling if not calmer, then at least sure he wasn’t going to die.

 

After a few minutes, he took a deep breath and sat up straight, slumping in his chair. He stared up at the ceiling, trying to swallow past the tightness in his throat. “Is that what Bella is? A tortured artist?”

 

It was a not-so-subtle way of asking what Jasper knew about Bella. His brother-in-law sighed. “What the hell is going on with you two?”

 

“You can’t tell anyone, Jasper. No one. Not even Alice.” Edward groaned. In a way, he wanted badly to tell Alice over anyone. His sister was his best friend. At the same time, though, he didn’t want anyone to know what was going on. It was already too big, and he simply couldn’t deal with everyone else right now. The thought threatened to send him right back into a panic. “Especially not Alice.”

 

Jasper didn’t look happy. “I have a feeling I’m going to regret this, but…” He pointed at a sign on the wall. “You are a student here, and this is a designated safe place office. Your secret is as safe with me as anyone else’s would be.”

 

Edward slumped forward, his elbows on his knees and his hand to his forehead. “Bella’s pregnant.”

 

His brother-in-law was not an easily flappable man, yet at Edward’s pronouncement, he gaped, stunned. The silence that yawned between them was the nail in Edward’s coffin. Some part of him had hoped, when he said those words, it wouldn’t be as bad as he felt it was. After all, he had yet to wrap his head around the concept, and babies were supposed to be a good thing. Jasper could have smiled at the news.

 

But of course, it was as bad as he felt if not worse.

 

“Edward, are you telling me you slept with a twenty-year-old college girl?” Jasper said, pronouncing each word with great care.

 

Edward’s breath left him in a gust. “Twenty,” he muttered. It wasn’t as bad as the eighteen she looked, but it wasn’t good. Twenty was still devastatingly young. He rubbed his hand over his face. “It was that first reading. That night.”

 

“You disappeared,” Jasper said, still dumbfounded. “You disappeared to have sex with a girl.”

 

“Christ, that’s not what happened.”

 

He didn’t know what to say from there. Obviously, he’d never intended to sleep with her. “All I wanted to do was tell her that her poem…” He didn’t know how to explain that either, how her words had stirred something deep and dormant inside of him, something he’d let settle long ago that had been there since his son had died. He shook his head. “But there was some stupid prick who couldn’t take a hint bothering her.”

 

Edward gave a brief summary of the encounter—just the facts. How Bella had refused his coat, and he’d agreed to coffee because it seemed like the only way to get her warm again. He left out most of it. Bella was a contradiction. One moment she seemed so fragile he’d have given his life to protect her. The next, she seemed so self-assured and dangerous, he had no doubt she could destroy him. He couldn’t say he hadn’t been, at the least, intrigued.

 

“I didn’t seduce her,” Edward said. “She kissed me and then it happened very fast.”

 

“Fast enough you didn’t use protection.”

 

Edward grimaced. The thought had crossed his mind, albeit briefly. He’d assumed Bella would tell him if they needed to use something. The few women he’d been with since Kate had been very upfront about what they needed. But he wasn’t going to say that to Jasper. It wasn’t Bella’s fault. After all, he didn’t know her any better than she knew him. He should have been using protection regardless. And besides that, she was terribly young. Women her age often didn’t know enough about protection or were too embarrassed to bring it up.

 

“I’m sorry,” Jasper said. “I’m not being helpful. I just keep thinking you’re going to tell me you’re kidding. No wonder her friend sounded like she was going to rip your balls off.”

 

Bile rose to Edward’s throat, and he had to swallow it down. Before he’d left Bella’s room, Emily had made sure he saw her bruises. He was pretty sure Emily’s ire had more to do with that, and he told Jasper so, explaining what he’d done.

 

His brother-in-law whistled. “Jesus Christ. I mean, when she came in here and said to tell you she’d take care of it, I kind of figured this was what she was talking about. But I guess I didn’t believe it until right now.” He clapped Edward’s shoulder. “Are you okay?”

 

“Am I okay?” Edward asked, incredulous. “I just told you I hurt one of your students, a pregnant woman, and you’re asking me if I’m okay?”

 

Jasper tilted his head. “In moments of extreme stress, we do irrational things. I’m not excusing you. Obviously, there’s no excuse for any kind of physical violence, but you already know that. I’m betting I can’t say anything worse to you than what you’re already telling yourself. I also know you’re not going to go off and beat the hell out of her. So what’s left?” His tone gentled. “I can’t imagine this is easy for you.”

 

Edward’s throat was too closed to speak. He just shook his head.

 

“I won’t tell anyone until you’re ready. I’m here for you, brother.”

**~0~**

Panic was beginning to loosen its hold on Edward’s thoughts. That was both a blessing and a curse, but it meant he had about a million questions for Bella.

 

He had, however, given up the right to ask his questions freely when he assaulted Bella. He had to think of her first. It wasn’t her job to make him more comfortable. Since he had no idea what, if anything, he could do about the big picture, he had decided to concentrate on one thing at a time. First and foremost, he wanted Bella to be able to trust him at least enough to not be scared of him. He didn’t want to be the sole reason she chose to terminate the pregnancy.

 

They’d agreed to meet at the same coffee shop they’d talked at the first time. She looked much as she had that first night—the same shoes and style. She had her hands wrapped around her shoulders when she walked in, but when she saw him she stood up straighter and strode over with a swagger in her step. The message was clear. She wasn’t going to be bowed by him.

 

It made his heart ache that she thought it was necessary. He would have pulled her seat out for her but thought better of it, choosing to remain seated as she sat across from him.

 

He cleared his throat. “Will you let me get you something? Have you had lunch? They have good sandwiches or maybe a pastry.”

 

Edward had to press his tongue to the roof of his mouth to stop talking. He couldn’t deny the strong urge to take care of her. She looked piqued, though whether that was from fear or pregnancy he couldn’t tell.

 

Her eyes narrowed the slightest bit as though she were trying to read him. “I can get my own.”

 

“I know you can, but I have to get my order anyway.” He looked up at her from under his eyelashes so she would see he wasn’t playing any games. He wasn’t an idiot. No doubt he’d scared her, shaking her as he had, but whatever was going on with her went much deeper than anything he’d done to her. “Lunch is the least of what I owe you.”

 

“Just coffee,” she said after a long pause.

 

Edward opened his mouth and shut it again but not quickly enough. She must have read his disapproval because irritation flickered across her face. “Decaf,” she amended, figuring out what his problem was.

 

He nodded and went to go stand in line, once again trying to think straight. It was instinct for him to want her to take care of herself and the baby, but he knew he had no rights to tell her what she should and shouldn’t be doing. At the same time, there was a part of him whose instinct it was to distance himself from anything about the pregnancy for many reasons, not the least of which was what it would do to him if she did decide to terminate. But if she didn’t decide to terminate, what then? The thought of having another baby filled him with an odd emotion he couldn’t quite put his finger on. It was dread, fear, anger, and a desperate need for all of this not to be happening.

 

A few minutes later, he returned to the table with two cups of coffee and two scones, one of which he set in front of her without comment.

 

“I don’t know where to start,” Edward said when a minute had passed in uncomfortable silence. “I’m sure you—“

 

“Are you married?”

 

The question caught Edward off guard, and he wanted to be pissed she would even ask. But once again, he reminded himself she knew practically nothing about him, and she had every reason to believe he was an asshole.

 

“No. I’m not. I was.” Yet another knot raised to his throat as he thought about his ex-wife. “Our marriage didn’t survive the loss of our son.”

 

She looked at him finally, and he was almost surprised to see the compassion in her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she said, cradling the coffee cup between her hands. “Will you tell me about her?”

 

Part of Edward wanted to scream that it wasn’t any of her business, but his anger wasn’t for her. He didn’t like thinking or talking about his life with Kate. However, he’d promised Bella, when she agreed to meet with him, that he would be completely honest, and he thought he could understand why she would want to know about his relationship. “We met when we were seniors here at NAU. It was an electrical engineering class.” He glanced up at her. “That’s what I do for a living, by the way. I’m an engineer.”

 

She nodded to let him know she was listening, and he went on. “We had a hands-on lab. I did…something. I can’t remember what now, but it set off an electrical reaction. Kate helped me get everything back under control.” His lips twitched. “She always liked to say that when we met, sparks literally flew.

 

“That’s actually a good way to describe her. She has a very electric personality. Charged, if that makes sense. She’s very smart and witty.”

 

Bella began to pick raisins out of her scone. She still hadn’t eaten a bite. “It sounds like you care about her.”

 

He thought about that and chose his words carefully. “We didn’t divorce because we hated each other. We just…broke. After Xavier passed away, I wasn’t a very good husband, and she wasn’t a very good wife. They say you should grieve together.” He heard the hint of bitterness in his tone, and he took a drink of coffee, trying to push it down. “I think going through that made us strangers to each other.

 

“She moved to Phoenix and remarried about four years ago,” he said absently. “Garrett Damon. He sounds like a nice guy. They uh…They have two girls. Tanya, who’s named after Kate’s sister, and Irina. My mother keeps up with Kate, and I see her twice a year.”

 

His stopped talking then, the ever-present dull ache in his chest becoming a sharp twist. He didn’t want to have to tell Bella when he saw his ex-wife—on the anniversary of Xavier’s death and on his birthday about a week later. He didn’t want to think about her holding newborn Irina the way she once held their son, and he especially didn’t want to think about Tanya. Tanya who was older than Xavier ever got to be.

 

Bella didn’t ask him to elaborate. She glanced at him, the expression so furtive it perplexed him until she spoke again. “How old were you when you got married?”

 

Ah, he thought he knew where this was going as well. She looked so young to him. He wondered what he looked like to her. “We dated through graduate school and married when we were twenty-four. We had Xavier when we were twenty-five.”

 

She looked away at that, worrying her lip between her teeth. “So you’re what? Thirty-five?”

 

“I’ll be thirty-seven in June.”

 

Most days, Edward felt like he was sixty years old at least. Watching her face go even paler than it had been, he felt ancient. A seventeen year age gap was daunting from both sides, he figured. He wondered if it was enough to label him as lecherous but bit back an urge to tell her that he’d never meant to look at her that way. He’d stick his foot in his mouth faster than quick if he tried.

 

Not for the first time, he wondered what their night together had meant to her.

 

The few times he’d ended up in a woman’s bed or she in his, it had always been a mutual exchange. His sex drive wasn’t overactive, but it did exist. And he was lonely. His liaisons over the last ten years had been with women on the same page. They shared a few hours and went their separate ways, because a few hours was all he had in him.

 

Bella had been very different. There was something there between them, and Edward couldn’t put his finger on what it was. The magnetism that had drawn them together wasn’t about physical attraction, and it wasn’t about pleasure. It was more powerful than that.

 

At least, it had been for him.

 

“I’ll be twenty-one,” Bella said, bringing him out of his consternation. “In September.” She gave a small laugh, tapping on her lips in a distracted way. “I guess I still won’t be able to drink.”

 

Edward’s heart sped. He looked at her, but she was looking away, her fingers tapping a restless tempo. “Bella…” he started, but he didn’t know how to finish.

 

“I don’t know what I’m doing yet.” She wiped at a single tear that had gathered at the corner of her eye.

 

“Do you…” Edward swallowed down a wave of nausea, not at all sure how to feel about what he had to say but knowing he had to do it anyway. “Not for my sake,” he said. “I mean, don’t keep it for my sake.”

 

She looked up at him with a spark of fire in her eyes. “If I keep it, it won’t be because of you.” Her fierce expression fell, and she slumped backward in her chair. “I want children, but I wanted them on my terms.” She had crumbled her scone to bits by that point. Now, she was pulverizing the crumbs to silt. “Mike tried to make it his choice, and I thought I got away from that.”

 

Edward sat up straighter. He had no idea who this Mike character was or just how he’d hurt the girl in front of him. Her mutterings about him since he’d awokened in her bed to the sounds of her nightmare were cryptic to say the least. He understood that whatever happened between her and Mike made this pregnancy especially traumatizing, but he didn’t know how. “Will you tell me about him?” he asked, making sure to keep his tone free of inflection.

 

Another tear slipped down her cheek, but she didn’t wipe that one way. She shook her head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

“Okay.” Edward paused, tapping his fingertips against his long cold, still-full cup of coffee. “I have to go. I have to be back at work. Meetings, you know,” he said, realizing belatedly that no, she didn’t know. “Do you think we can see each other again?”

 

She craned her head to look up at him, her expression searching. “Because you want to or because you think you have to?” she asked, and he couldn’t read the context of her tone.

 

Edward considered his answer for a handful of moments. “Both,” he said, offering her a small smile.

 

The more time he spent with her, the more he wanted to know about her. Under other circumstances, maybe if they’d met at work, they might have become good friends. Despite the situation, she was remarkably easy to talk to, especially for such a young woman. But it was his need to do right by her, to take responsibility that drove most of his actions at that point. For himself, he didn’t know what he wanted or how he wanted this all to end.

 

Bella took a shuddering breath and rummaged through her bag. She took out a small notebook and a pen. “Give me your phone number.”

 

He flipped through the notebook, noticing a few words here and there that suggested this was where she wrote bits and pieces of her poetry. He was curious. It was like being offered a glimpse of a favorite artist’s inner process, but he didn’t dare pause to read. Instead, he found a blank page and wrote his number.

 

“I’ll text you,” she said, and it didn’t escape his notice she didn’t offer her number. The idea made him a little nervous. Whatever happened, he didn’t want her to disappear into thin air.

  
But he was asking her to trust him; he needed to return the favor. “Then I hope I’ll see you soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to Songster and Barburella for being so lovely as to look at this before I even got off the ship!
> 
> A little chatting. What are we thinking right now?


	6. Chapter 5 - Choice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello, lovelies. A quick note to my Angel Is A Centerfold readers. I haven’t forgotten about you. I just haven’t had time to breathe since I got back from vacation. Yesterday, I had a lull in work (does anyone work the day before a holiday?!), and I was able to write, but I won’t write Angel at work. I do have SOME lines. Hah. Anyway. Update soon. Promise.
> 
> Now. I’d just like to say, on this American holiday of thanks, that I’m incredibly thankful for all you readers. I’m very sorry I don’t have the time to respond to your reviews. They’re so lovely, and they make me very happy. Thank you for all your feedback, all your love, and even thanks to all of my ornery anons who give me some things to think about.

**~About Three Years Ago~**

 

Bella’s cheeks burned, and she couldn’t look up at the nurse taking her initial information.

 

The nurse put a hand on her knee, sitting on the stool so she could look up at Bella. “Tell me what you need. I promise no one here is going to judge you.”

 

Bella did her best to sit up straight. There was no reason for anyone to judge her. She was doing the responsible thing, and there wasn’t anything wrong with that. “Is there…” She had to clear her throat, and despite her internal monologue, she still found it difficult to look the woman in the eyes. “There are different kinds of birth control. Other than the pill, right?”

 

The nurse nodded. “Yes, there’s more than the pill out there. They all have their pluses and minuses.”

 

“But for a lot of them, like the shot or whatever, someone has to call, right? They leave a message?”

 

Awareness flickered through the nurse’s eyes. “Tell me what you’re worried about,” she said, her tone even and, as promised, lacking judgment.

 

“I’m not worried,” Bella said, defensive anyway. “My boyfriend just worries for me. Like you said, there are pluses and minuses for every form of birth control. I’m just trying to avoid an argument, that’s all.” That was a perfectly adult thing to do. Mike was overprotective, that was all. He knew that any form of birth control could potentially wreak havoc on a woman’s body. That was true of practically anything, but it was sweet of him to be so concerned. “He’s been, uh… He’s been pulling out. That’s probably enough. I’m probably being paranoid.”

 

“It’s not paranoid to want to use protection,” the nurse said, her tone firm. “This is your body, and you know best how to take care of your own needs.” She leaned forward, her face and tone still devoid of any condescension or judgment. “Honey, if you’re ready to leave him, we can help you.”

 

Bella’s heart hammered in her chest. She crossed her arms, indignant. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. All I want is birth control.”

 

“Okay,” the woman said simply. “The doctor’s going to come in, and she’s going to explain the options we have available for you.”

 

**~Now - Mid-May~**

 

“Bella?”

 

Bella blinked rapidly, realizing Emily had been calling her name for a while now. “What?”

 

Her friend bumped her shoulder. “How are you?”

 

Taking a deep breath, Bella looked around, considering the question.

 

She’d been seventeen when she first visited a Planned Parenthood, and they had been amazing. True to their word, they had never judged her. In retrospect, Bella winced at what an idiot she must have sounded like, making excuses, as if it was normal for her boyfriend to be angry at her wanting birth control. The doctor had read between the lines of her worried questions and helped her settle on an invisible method of birth control. She’d also made sure Bella’s file indicated that the shouldn’t be called for a follow-up appointment when she needed to renew her birth control. No messages, no e-mails. It was printed in big, bold letters so Mike would never have to know she’d been there at all.

 

“I don’t know how I am,” she said to Emily. “I feel like I want the doctor to tell me all the tests were wrong and the barfing is just from normal anxiety.” She shivered and rubbed her shoulders. “It doesn’t help that I keep remembering. Being here like this, it feels like Mike won.”

 

It had taken her too long to figure out she shouldn’t have been so scared of her boyfriend finding out she’d gone on birth control.

 

Emily hugged her. “He’s an asshole.” She made a grudging grunt and rolled her eyes. “Edward...I don’t know about you, but he’s winning me over. Slightly. A little bit. At least enough that I don’t think he’s the same kind of asshole Mike was. Although that might not be saying much. What kind of a crazy ass is so adamant that his seventeen-year-old girlfriend have a baby?”

 

Bella shuddered, wrapping her arms around her middle. “He didn’t want to have a baby. In fact, I’m pretty sure he would have been pissed if I’d actually gotten pregnant. Fucking prick.” She drew her legs up onto her seat, curling in on herself. “He wanted to control me. Everything about me. He wanted control of my body.”

 

It had taken a lot of therapy for her to accept what Mike had done to her and why. And why she’d let it happen.

 

“I know this isn’t the same thing,” she said, hating the tremor in her voice. “I believe Edward when he tells me this is my choice, and he’s not going to do anything to take it away from me, but it all feels connected. Like Mike was right.”

 

“Right about what?”

 

Bella closed her eyes, taking a deep, calming breath. “He said he made so many decisions for me because I was young and stupid, and he said I was lucky he was there to take care of me.”

 

“You know it’s him who was stupid, right?”

 

“Is it? That night, with Edward, I wanted the decision to be mine. I’m so sick of how much what Mike did still controls me. I hate how much power he has over me. So I made a choice. It was my choice and look what happened.”

 

“Hey, stop it.” Emily grasped her firmly by the shoulders, giving her the slightest of shakes. “We’re all stupid, okay? All of us. It’s just life, Bella. That’s all it is. It’s only assholes like Mike who think they’re better at life than the rest of us, and you know better than that. Right?” She smoothed Bella’s hair away from her face.

 

“I know,” Bella said, sniffling hard to keep tears at bay. “What I know and how I feel are two different things.”

 

Emily snorted. “Yeah, I get that.” She touched a fingertip to the jagged scar that pulled at the corner of her eye. “I feel like an idiot every time I look in the mirror.”

 

“You’re not.”

 

“I know. And you’re not either.” Emily gave a satisfied nod, and Bella smiled. A little.

 

“Isabella Swan?” a voice called, startling Bella despite the fact she’d been waiting for it. Her stomach twisted, and a cold sweat broke out on her skin.

 

Emily took her hand. “Come on, hon. We’re just getting information, remember? It’s going to be okay.”

**~0~**

Twiddling with the envelope on her lap, Bella tried to remember why the hell she’d thought going to school in Arizona was a good idea. Of course, when she’d been considering schools, the state’s abortion laws hadn’t occurred to her.

 

“I guess there is a bright side to this whole fucked up mess,” Bella had said to Emily when they left the clinic. “I’m beginning to figure out what I want to do with my life. Can you get a degree in being a women’s advocate?” She blanched. “If I ever get to finish school.”

 

Not for the first time, Bella shook that thought away and glanced at her cell phone. Edward was supposed to meet her in a few minutes. Though thinking about Edward wasn’t exactly a distracting thought. In fact, it only increased her anxiety. Then again, what didn’t?

 

The last month hadn’t been kind to her. She’d lost enough weight that her gaunt appearance was beginning to frighten her. Whether it was normal morning sickness or extreme stress, she couldn’t tell. The doctor had helped her come up with a list of foods she could stand for the time being and had prescribed her supplements to take along with the pre-natal vitamins.

 

“Take the supplements even if you decide to terminate the pregnancy. They’ll help,” the doctor had said. “Either way what’s most important is that you take care of your physical and mental health.”

 

There wasn’t much hope for her mental well-being, but Bella, scared at how she could feel the knobs over her spine, had promised herself she’d let Edward buy her a bland lunch.

 

It was only by some small miracle, and a lot of encouragement from both Emily and Edward, that her grades hadn’t plummeted. She found it difficult to concentrate, but Emily had helped her study, and Edward had gently encouraged her when he knew she needed to finish a paper.

 

Against all odds, Edward had been a bright spot for the last two weeks or so. He was the epitome of her first impression of him: kind and good. Sometimes, it scared her more than anything that she enjoyed him as much as she did.

 

She hadn’t seen him in those two weeks, which was her decision. She could admit to herself she was testing him from a safe distance away, keeping their interaction to texts only. But over two weeks, he hadn’t shown any sign of impatience, and he hadn’t pushed her. He’d kept their conversation light, chatting back and forth about his job and her classes. She had a job too, working in the admissions office as a student aide, and he’d been surprisingly interested in her anecdotes.

 

It was all eerily, disconcertingly normal.

 

Bella looked up at a tap on her car window. She looked up to find Edward smiling at her.

 

He really did have a beautiful smile.

 

Bella looked away under the guise of getting out of the car. She hadn’t known until she saw him again that she’d forgiven him for his reaction. More than that, she believed he wasn’t a violent man. And that thought made her, for the millionth time that day and possibly the trillionth time since this whole mess had begun, think she was very stupid.

 

Was this a lesson she had to learn again?

 

Something in the marrow of her bones told her Edward was nothing like Mike had been, and just then, she had to trust that or she would go crazy.

 

“Hey,” he said.

 

“Hi,” she said, the word cracking around the edges as her mouth went dry.

 

Though she had asked him to meet her with this specific purpose in mind, it didn’t hit her until right then what she was about to do. She understood now, well and truly, what it meant when people said that their lives were destroyed by an unplanned pregnancy. It was exactly that--pure destruction. No matter what choice she made, a few hours in the dark with this man had altered both of their lives.

 

Edward’s small smile fell, and he took a step toward her before he stopped himself. “Are you okay? You’ve gone pale on me.”

 

Her heart gave a flutter, and she leaned back against her car. “I’ve, uh…” She scoffed, shaking her head at herself. She couldn’t see the point in small talk. She needed this conversation to be over and done with. “I’ve made a decision to make a decision.”

 

His breath stuttered, and the blood drained from his face, but he only nodded at her. “Okay. What does that mean?”

 

“It means I can’t live like this. I need to know what I’m going to do.”

 

“What I told you before--”

 

“Don’t tell me it’s my choice. I already know that.” Bella took a deep breath, trying to quell the nervous irritation rising in her. “Don’t pretend that my choice won’t affect you.’

 

Edward didn’t answer right away. He shoved his hands in his pockets and leaned against the car, near her but giving her plenty of space. “Of course it’s going to affect me, but there’s no getting around that.”

 

To her surprise, he laughed. It wasn’t a happy sound. “I was thinking about my brother. I have an older brother. I don’t think I ever told you that.”

 

Of course he hadn’t. Neither of them had said anything very personal in the last two weeks. “You didn’t tell me,” she said.

 

“There’s a point to this, I swear.” He stared off into the distance, his jaw tense for a moment before he spoke. “Emmett has four kids. From three different mothers, none of whom are his wife, by the way, but that’s neither here nor there. He started having kids when he was seventeen.”

 

“Jesus,” Bella said, startled by the idea.

 

Edward nodded. “All of that is a long story. The main point is that his kids were the result of three very unplanned pregnancies. I think pregnancy is a trying condition even in the best of circumstances, but if it’s not a good thing, it can be nine months of torture. It was for Emmett’s first girlfriend. Her parents forced her to keep the baby when she didn’t want to, and her mental health suffered for it.”

 

He looked up at her. “That’s why you can’t think of me. If it’s not something you can bear, it would be too cruel to subject you to something as physically altering as pregnancy. So please-- do what’s best for you, and I’ll support your decision.”

 

“But I don’t know what’s best for me,” she shouted, frustrated. She dug the heel of her palm into her eyes, willing herself not to cry. “You know what the stupidest thing is? I want to believe in fucking fairy tales. I want to want this baby. Because I do want kids someday, and part of me wants to say fuck it. Why not now? I want to believe this can all end up happily ever after.”

 

“That’s not stupid.”

 

“It is stupid.” She pushed up off the car, pacing a few steps away and running her hand through her hair. “What the hell am I going to do with a baby? What am I going to do? Put it in a drawer in my dorm room? I don’t even live in Arizona.”

 

He was visibly taken aback by that. “You don’t live here?”

 

“Technically, I live in Washington with my father. So what am I going to do? Drop out of school and beg him to take us in? It’s crazy. It’s crazy to even think about this. I’ve got a minimum wage job at twenty hours a week. And that’s a student job. I have to be a student to keep it.”

 

“Bella.”

 

The sound of his voice at least caught her attention, and she turned to look at him. He wasn’t looking at her, and when he spoke, his voice was sandpaper-rough. “You’re right. Whatever happens, it’s not going to be a fairytale, but that being said, you should at least have some facts.”

 

She watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed several times, obviously struggling. Still, his tone was sincere when he spoke. “After Xavier, I needed a lot of distractions. I threw myself into my job.” She thought she saw bitterness cross his features, but his voice remained steady. “The long and short of it is, I’m paid very well for what I do. I have more than enough to support a family, and I haven’t had a family to spend it on. If you want to keep the baby, I can and will support you so you can finish school.”

 

For a few seconds, Bella was sure she’d heard him wrong. “That’s insane.”

 

“It’s not.” He seemed to sway where he stood, his face about as pale as hers. “Look. We can both agree that one way or another, this is going to be hard.”

 

“Impossible,” she muttered.

 

He nodded, rubbing his hands together in a fitful gesture. “I can’t promise you a happily-ever-after. You’d know I was lying, for one thing, and I don’t know. I don’t know how...and if…” He closed his eyes and tried again. “But some things are just fact. There are a lot of things to worry about, but money doesn’t have to be one of them.”

 

Bella looked away, trying to figure out what the hell to think. He was right. There was so much to worry about. She screwed her eyes up tight and wished with everything in her that she had all the answers. Would the stress of having a baby after the trauma of losing his son turn Edward back into the monster she’d already glimpsed? Was he misleading her or manipulating her in some way she hadn’t figured?

 

Could he love a baby the way every child deserved to be loved?

 

Could she?

 

Both he and the doctor had mentioned her mental health, and she understood what they meant. The loss of control had already sent her into a tailspin. What would this pregnancy do to her? She’d already hit rock bottom once in her life. Was it possible to fall further than that?

 

She knew better than to think she could ask any of those questions out loud. He wouldn’t have been able to answer honestly any more than she could. They didn’t know. Neither of them knew if they could handle this.

 

Yet what they hadn’t spoken about, what Bella had been turning over and over in her head since she found out she was pregnant, was if either of them could handle the alternative.

 

In a matter of days, Bella could just be not pregnant. She could go back to her old life.

 

Every time she thought of it, her heart twisted so hard she thought it would shatter in her chest.

 

How often, when she was piecing herself together again after Mike, had she sat and thought about the children she would have some day? Her parents had made so many mistakes, so many choices that had left her vulnerable. She thought about the right and wrong ways her parents had loved her, and she had dreamed about the day she could break the cycle.

 

Maybe it was those daydreams that made the idea of losing this baby so terrible.

 

But…

 

If…

 

Jesus Christ. She shouldn’t have to be this completely aware that she was making a decision that would last the rest of her life. That was too big. She was still so fucked up.

 

How could...

 

And when…

 

Breathing hard, Bella whirled and opened her car door. She scrambled inside, reaching for the envelope she’d put to the side before she got out. Her hands shook horribly as she got ahold of it.

 

“I’m really sorry,” the doctor said when she informed Bella she would have to have an ultrasound. “If you choose to keep the pregnancy, we would perform an ultrasound at this stage anyway. But if you choose to abort, by Arizona law, we have to perform an ultrasound anyway. You don’t have to look at it, but I do have to give it to you.”

 

Bella sniffled as she turned back to Edward. “I didn’t want to look. Not if I was going to…” As she spoke, she’d been trying to get the envelope open. She ended up ripping it somewhat savagely. “Um. So this is our kid.”

 

The words sounded awkward--so strange. But as she said them, at least some part of her lightened in relief, as though she’d found the calm eye of the storm. Yes, painful uncertainty and terrible fear still raged around her, but she’d found some peace in the decision at least.

 

She didn’t look at the image. Neither did Edward. He was white as a sheet, and she could see he was trembling just as badly as she was. His nostrils flared as he took unsteady breaths in and out, holding her gaze in a moment so intense, she nearly choked on it. Slowly, he cast his eyes down, and she followed suit.

 

They both stared. After a moment, Edward lifted his hand and brushed his fingers briefly over the blob. That’s all it was--a blob bouncing around inside a really big bean. But for all it didn’t really look like anything yet, it was so much. Too much. Sorrow and fear. Rage that it had to happen this way. But also protectiveness and hope.

 

She wanted so much to hope.

 

“Bella?”

 

Hearing the strangled way he said her name, Bella gasped, realizing she hadn’t breathed in a while. Her head spun, and she had to brace herself against the car. “What?” The word was a whisper.

 

Beside her, Edward too seemed to be struggling to breathe. “Can I hug you?”

 

A hug. Yes. She needed a hug. She didn’t answer out loud. Instead she took one step to the side, wrapped her arms around his waist, image still clutched in her hand, and buried her head against his chest.

 

She didn’t cry. She didn’t want to cry. She was too overwhelmed to do anything but shake. But she knew without having to ask that Edward was on the same page--overwhelmed and unsure and scared out of his mind. Pressed up against him, she could feel the tremors that wracked his body. They swayed, but they didn’t let each other go.

  
For a few minutes, they held each other up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ahhh. I finished this at three in the morning last night and sent a quick note to my betas saying hhhheeeeeyyy if you can spare a minute away from your families. 
> 
> They did! I am so spoiled. And very thankful for songster, jessypt, and barburella. And Mina who made me a gorgeous banner for this story. I’ve uploaded it to my photobucket. The link is on my profile. LOVE IT.
> 
> Love you. So how are we feeling? A bit of hope for Thanksgiving?


	7. Chapter 6 - Dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Quick note to my Angel readers. It’s been a very hectic few weeks. I haven’t forgotten about ya, I’m only getting little bursts of writing time, and I’m writing what’s speaking to me readily. As we all know, Angel Edward is very recalcitrant with me. LOL

**~Early May, Eleven Years Ago~**

Edward loved Christmas.

 

It was a Cullen thing. Every year, his family went just a little overboard. Carlisle and Alice started planning elaborate light and lawn set-ups in June. Esme and Edward kept the house smelling like gingerbread and other treats all December long. Emmett. Well, Edward’s older brother was the grunt. He followed instructions and ate all the cookies. On Christmas morning, he was the one banging on everyone’s door as soon as the sun was up to see what Santa brought.

 

And it didn’t matter that none of the Cullen kids believed in Santa after the age of six. Santa came anyway.

 

Edward loved it all. He loved how everything smelled and tasted of peppermint. He loved going with the family to pick out a Christmas tree. He loved the blinking lights, and yes, he loved the commercial business of it. He liked giving gifts. There might as well be an official season to do it in.

 

When he and Alice were fourteen, seventeen-year-old Emmett had his first baby. Generally speaking, the situation was drama, but by the time Christmas rolled around, everyone was excited. Baby Aiden had Baby’s First Christmas everything. He was the star of the show on Christmas morning.

 

It was an image that stuck with Edward the rest of his life: his big brother holding his tiny son as Aiden, cozy in his red and green first christmas footy jammies, giggled with pure delight at the sound of ripping wrapping paper.

 

Being only fourteen, it was a vague vision of the future back then, but Edward knew he wanted this some day. As much as he loved Christmas, he thought it would be even better when he could share his joy with his own baby.

 

Twenty-four now, and an adult, Edward and Kate, who shared his love of Christmas, were stoked to find their baby’s due date was December 25 exactly.

 

“Bro, just tell me you’re not going to name it something ridiculous,” Emmett said. “I know a Holly Noelle, and she’s not amused, okay?”

 

Edward reached out and Emmett’s two-year-old daughter, his fourth and youngest child, leaned out of her father’s arms, grasping for her uncle. Edward settled her against his hip and kissed the tip of her nose. “What’s your name?”

 

“April May,” she said, smiling winningly. She had been born on April 30th.

 

Edward looked at his brother and raised an eyebrow.

 

“Hey, I’m lucky Jessica let me see the kid the day she was born. That name wasn’t my choice, and you know it.”

 

Emmett had four kids from three different mothers. Jessica insisting on naming the baby was the least of the drama he’d faced.

 

“If it’s a girl, we’re not going to name it Holly,” Edward said, kissing the tip of his niece’s nose and imagining a pretty girl with Kate’s blond hair.

 

“Kris Kringle is also a horrible boy’s name,” Emmett said.

 

Edward rolled his eyes.

**~Present Day~**

For a few days after Bella decided to keep the baby, Edward shut himself away from the world. He called in sick to work that Thursday and Friday. It wasn’t far from the truth. Anyone would have thought it was him suffering from morning sickness. He was as queasy and pale as Bella was.

 

Long stretches of time seemed to warp and disappear as he tried to distract himself with books and television. None of it worked. He couldn’t help reliving moments from the ancient past, remembering his excitement at the prospect of being a daddy the first time. They were horribly bittersweet memories given how it all turned out, and now…

 

Edward’s phone chimed and he stared at it for a full minute before he moved to pick it up. Another text from Jasper. Edward had told him when, after two weeks of keeping her distance, Bella wanted to speak to him. Since then, he’d kept up a steady stream of texts with seemingly random bits of information, not pushing but simply letting him know he was there.

 

It took Edward another minute before the words on the screen sunk in. Open the door, was all it said.

 

Curious, Edward hauled himself up off his couch and went to the door. Sure enough, when he opened it, he found his brother-in-law on his porch. He narrowed his eyes and toyed with the idea of slamming the door in Jasper’s face before deciding that would be out of line. Instead, he stepped back, admitting him. “How long have you been standing out there, and why didn’t you knock?”

 

“I’m not in any rush. Alice is crabby at me.” He shrugged. “I’m on adult time-out.”

 

Alice had a habit of suddenly remembering she needed some obscure item from the store when Jasper pissed her off. Edward smiled at that, missing his sister badly for a moment.

“I haven’t been out there long. Maybe ten minutes.”

 

Edward frowned at that. Had he really stared at the phone for that long before he picked it up? He rubbed his eyes as they sat in the living room. “What are you doing here?”

 

“You’re a smart man, Edward. You know the answer to that question. I’ve been patient, but now I’m worried.”

 

Edward hummed in acknowledgment, swallowing past the automatic tightening in his throat. He pinched the bridge of his nose, fighting another wave of nausea. “Bella decided to keep the baby.”

 

They were remarkably difficult words to say, though he was sure had she made the other choice, those words would have been just as difficult, if not more so.

 

Jasper nodded, his face unreadable but not surprised. “Okay. What does that mean for you?”

 

Edward’s heart began to pound in a too-quick rhythm. “I don’t know.”

 

When Edward didn’t elaborate further than that, Jasper spoke again, his tone soft. “Have you considered at all that this could be a good thing?”

 

Edward’s head shot up, and he narrowed his eyes. Before he could start yelling, Jasper raised a placating hand. “I know all the reasons it isn’t a great thing, but have you considered the reasons it could be good?” His expression softened, and he put a hand to Edward’s arm. “You were a good father, and you liked being a father.”

 

“I’m Xavier’s father,” Edward snapped, his throat so tight now the ache was almost unbearable.

 

“Having another baby doesn’t mean you stop being Xavier’s father. You--”

 

“I can’t think about that right now,” Edward said, the words coming out in a rush. “I know it isn’t fair, but I can’t think about...the other yet. I can’t think that far ahead.” There were so many unknowns, so many variables in the situation by itself without considering the fact Edward didn’t know if he could this at all. And even that wasn’t a choice he could live with. If he couldn’t bear to see this child, to be a father, then what? Would he force Bella into single motherhood? Was this baby going to have only a child-support check for a father?

 

He shook his head hard, feeling as though he was going to start hyperventilating. He didn’t want to have another panic attack. “I know that’s bad,” he said, hating how his voice was thin and shaky.

 

“It’s not bad. It’s early, right? When is she due?”

 

Edward slumped forward, resting his elbows on his knees and pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers. He laughed, the sound horribly bitter. “December 20th.”

 

“Oh. Well, crap.”

 

“Yeah. On top of being a fucking idiot, I have spectacular timing.”

 

“Let’s not go down that road right now. If the big picture is overwhelming, how about the small picture? What’s the next step?”

 

Edward huffed, but he was calming down. Usually he found his brother-in-law’s maddening rationality a trifle irritating, but right now he couldn’t help but be soothed. It was no wonder troubled students flocked to Jasper.

 

Would Bella have gone to him for comfort and advice if he hadn’t been Edward’s family?

 

“It’s selfish of me to be so focused on myself,” he said, straightening up and staring forward. “I don’t know all of what’s going on with Bella, but I’m worried this pregnancy will be traumatic for her.” He rubbed the back of his head. “She’s letting me help. A little. She let me bring her lunch the last couple of days, which is good because she’s losing way too much weight.’

 

“So talking is going well?”

 

Edward nodded and sighed. “Sometimes I forget. Why we’re talking at all, I mean. She’s easy to talk to.”

 

“Hmm.”

 

Catching an odd note to Jasper’s hum of acknowledgement, Edward looked to the side. “What?”

 

“Nothing, really. I was just thinking about the way she is in the club. She’s really quiet, Edward. I haven’t really seen her talk to anyone.” Jasper raised an eyebrow, appraising him. “And you smiled when you said that. Do you realize that?”

 

“What are you saying?”

 

“Nothing. It was just an observation. Either way, it’s a good thing. It’s good that she’s leaning on you. I know you’re having a hard time with this, but I also know you’ll take care of her as much as she’ll let you. That’s just the kind of guy you are.”

 

“Right,” Edward said, his tone wry. “Such a great guy.”

 

Jasper clucked his tongue and got to his feet. “Well, anyway. Come on.”

 

“Come on?” Edward looked up at his brother-in-law, confused.

 

“Have you looked in the mirror lately? Bella isn’t the only one losing weight. So come on. Let’s get you fed.”

 

“I’m not hungry.”

 

“No shit, Sherlock.” Jasper grabbed him by his arm and hauled him to his feet anyway. “Come on. Try. It’s Mom’s birthday next weekend, and as I assume you’re still on the not telling anyone bandwagon, you need to eat before then. You look gaunt, man. She’s going to notice.” When Edward still didn’t move, Jasper narrowed his eyes. “Edward, you can’t possibly thinking of not going to Mom’s birthday.”

 

Despite his estrangement, Edward hadn’t missed either of his parents’ birthdays. He felt guilty for even thinking about it. “Of course not,” he said, not fooling anyone. “I’ll go. Of course I’ll go.”

 

“Then let’s go eat.”

**~0~**

Almost a week later, and Edward was beginning to at least put one foot in front of the other again. He worked and managed to feed himself without too much prompting from Jasper. He’d long since dropped the history course he’d been taking just for the hell of it.

 

Jasper was right.  One step at a time was manageable. Get up, dress for work, go to work, lunch. He could handle that. After work, he brought Bella dinner. It was getting closer to finals. Emily, caught up in her own classes and end-of-year school work, wasn’t around very much. Maybe that was why Bella seemed to appreciate Edward’s company.

 

On Friday, he offered to take her out. Save for one visit to Planned Parenthood and meeting him afterward, she hadn’t been anywhere but her dorm room and her classes for going on three weeks now. To his surprise, she agreed. And she let him pick her up too.

 

Not for the first time, he wondered if she’d forgiven him for shaking her out of necessity or because she was truly that forgiving. Either way, she seemed to be getting more comfortable with him, and that, at least, was some solace.

 

He laughed when she told him her request, and the sound startled both of them. Bella recovered first, though. “What? Why are you laughing at me?” she asked, sounding tired as usual but amused.

 

“You’ve been eating the blandest food known to man for over a week now, and today you want Indian food.”

 

“Well for once my stomach isn’t threatening to turn itself inside out.”

 

“And you think spicy food is the way to reward it.”

 

“Hey, chicken tikka masala isn’t spicy. Oh, vindaloo is though. That sounds good.”

 

Edward chuckled again, but he was glad she seemed eager to eat.

 

“You look very nice today,” he said when they got out of the car and he fell into step beside her. Not only was it true, but as he hadn’t seen her wear anything but jeans and oversized sweaters for a while now, he figured she’d gone out of her way to look good. She was wearing something similar to what she had the night they met, though her platform boots had been replaced by regular boots. With her little bit of eye makeup, she looked fierce again.

 

She crossed her arms and ducked her head, seeming shy. “I figured you probably would appreciate it if I didn’t look like a homeless chick you picked up off the street.”

 

He paused just as they got to the door and touched her arm briefly. “Bella, I’ve never seen you not look pretty.” And that was the simple truth. Dressed down, she looked more vulnerable, maybe more the girl she was, but never someone he’d be ashamed being with.

 

It didn’t escape Edward’s notice that the host put them in an intimate booth. He didn’t know how he felt about that, but he didn’t think about it for long. He was quickly distracted by the light in Bella’s eyes as she looked over the menu. He tried to remember the last time he’d seen the spark of happiness in her eyes. Once, he thought. After sex, when she’d looked triumphant for reasons he still didn’t understand.

 

She screwed her nose up as she looked over the menu.

 

“What’s wrong?” Edward asked.

 

“Oh, it’s nothing. This place is just a little fancier than my student budget likes, and my eyes are too big for my stomach right now. I want the vindaloo, but I also want the vegetable korma. And garlic naan.”

 

“It’s on me, Bella. Get whatever you want.”

 

She glanced up at him from over the edge of his menu. “You’ve brought me dinner every day for over a week. If anything, it should be me treating you for once.”

 

“Uh. No. I--” He cut off, the words he’d been about to say choking him before he could get them out. He swallowed hard. He knew his role here. He’d walked this line before, and he knew the right words. Just because they made his stomach twist didn’t mean Bella didn’t need to hear them. She needed to understand she didn’t have to be alone in this. He blew out a breath and forced a small smile. “The only thing Daddies get to do is take care of Mommies. Let me do that.”

 

He wondered if they’d been the wrong words; if Bella had been trying to forget for only a night, but she only looked at him with an unreadable expression.

 

The waiter came over then to take their order. “The lady knows what we want,” Edward said, giving Bella a challenging look.

 

She seemed surprised but recovered well. Edward was delighted when she ordered half the menu. “Fuck it,” she said when the waiter had gone. “I’ll probably throw it all up in an hour, but I feel okay right now. I want to at least taste something.” She made a sheepish face. “Sorry. My stomach got the better of me. I hope you like some of what I ordered.”

 

“Don’t apologize.” He was enthralled by the fact she seemed lighter today.

 

It was only when she was happily chewing on a corner of naan that her expression turned contemplative again. “Edward?”

 

“Hm?”

 

She swallowed and put the bread down. “Have you told anyone yet?”

 

He didn’t have to ask what she was talking about. He found he’d been leaning forward at the table. Now he pulled back, moving his hands to his lap and clearing his throat. “Jasper.”

 

“No one else?” He didn’t know what his face looked like, but her cheeks went pink. “I’m sorry. I’ve just been thinking about what you told me. About your brother having so many kids. I’ve been wondering how your family took it.” She grimaced. “I guess I’ve been wondering how they’ll take me. And the baby.” At this last, she was barely whispering, and she’d long ago put her naan down.

 

“Oh, Bella. The very last thing in the world you have to worry about is my family. My parents were the type that, growing up, all of our friends called them Mom and Dad. They were forever taking in strays at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Some of our friends who came from troubled homes were at our house more than theirs. That kind of thing. Jasper and Rosalie, that’s my brother’s wife, are closer to them than their own parents. And yes, to answer what I think you’re asking, two of the mothers of Emmett’s children call them Mom and Dad.”

 

He tilted his head, a thought striking him. He wanted to be concerned about Bella more than anything. He was a wreck, but why hadn’t it occurred to him to bring her to his family.

 

Probably because the idea of facing his family with this news made his blood run cold. He sighed, pushing away his own desires not to have to face this. Whatever else Bella was, she was wounded, and his family was very good with that. Better than he could be, but that wasn’t’ saying much at this point. “I think they would love you,” he said, meaning it.

 

She scoffed. “Why? I’m the stupid fucking kid who’s bringing their son nothing but problems.”

 

More often than not, Edward forgot how very young Bella was. He never would have thought he could enjoy the company of a 20 year old girl as much as as he did. Where she did show her age was a moment like this. She wasn't so far from an age where what her parents’ thought carried a lot of weight. "It's hardly a one sided thing, Bella. And I'm sure your parents will be thrilled with me."

 

Her lip twitched.  "My dad's a cop. You're pretty much screwed."

 

Edward paled. "Well that will be interesting."

 

"Don't worry. He'll blame it on me."

 

That comment concerned him, but their food came then. The smell of it had Bella grinning again, so Edward didn't return to the conversation.

 

Maybe it was because she enjoyed her food so much that Edward ate too. He had had his first full meal in weeks. They both left the restaurant with painfully full bellies.

 

"See, you don't have have to worry anymore," Bella said, clutching her stomach. "I'm going to have an Indian food baby."

 

He smiled, amused at her but worried anyway.

 

She crossed her arms as they walked to the car. "Thank you for tonight. For letting me be a little silly. It's just been so much angst. Between this and finals, tonight I just wanted to be silly and happy for a few hours. I needed it."

 

"Don't ever apologize for being happy. That's a talent to have. To choose to be happy."

 

"It was that or go crazy."

 

Edward grunted, wondering inwardly if that was what he had chosen--to go crazy. "Bella?"

 

"What?"

  
Edward would never know what possessed him to say it when he wasn't anywhere near ready. "Would you like like to go with me to my mother’s birthday?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I know a couple of you really wanted me not to have this baby due when it’s due. I promise there is a method to my madness.
> 
> Many thanks to my wonderful girls, and thanks to all of you who’ve had such great things to say. Mwah.


	8. Chapter 7 - Mother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Why is the weekend over? Dammit. Anyway. Merry Monday to ya. Or still-Sunday if you live on the right coast like I do. hehehe

**~Five Years Ago~**

Bella was fifteen when she met Mike Newton.

 

She had just moved to Forks, shipped off by her mother who was getting serious with her new boyfriend. Phil had started badmouthing Bella’s father Charlie as a deadbeat dad. Renee got indignant that she’d been a single mother for so many years. Just like that, Bella was sent off to punish her father with her presence.

 

Charlie wasn’t a deadbeat. He hadn’t really had a chance to be a father. It was a matter of circumstance and a misguided, if well-intentioned, sense of doing what was right for his child. He hadn’t quite grasped that, while a fifteen-year-old wasn’t a child, she was also not an adult.

 

But Charlie left her alone more often than he should have. He said she was old beyond her years. Renee had said that too. Her mother used to tell her Bella had been the one taking care of her since she was seven years old.

 

Newton’s Outfitters was attached to Forks’ only grocery store. That was how Bella first ran into Mike. He was twenty-one, a freshly minted college grad, wandering the aisles of the main store before returning to work in the store he was being groomed to take over.

 

It was his whistle that drew Bella’s attention. One of those low, catcall type whistles. She looked around surreptitiously, naturally curious to see what was going on. She was startled to find a blond man looking directly at her.

 

“I don’t know you,” he said as though this wasn’t an acceptable state of being. He started walking toward her. “I know everyone, and I don’t know you. That’s a shame, because you’re very pretty.”

 

At fifteen, Bella hadn’t grown into her curves. She was gawkish and awkward--not the kind of girl who was used to being called pretty. She blushed furiously, murmured a “thank you,” and pushed the cart away.

 

He followed. “Don’t run away now, baby. You can’t run away from anyone in this little town. What’s your name?”

 

Mike was persistent. Bella was flustered and uncomfortable, especially at the way Mike kept on touching her. They were small touches--pushing a strand of hair out of her face, a tap to her shoulder to get her attention, a brush of their fingers when he handed her something she was reaching for.

 

Bella wished he would go away, but she didn’t have the right words to make that happen. After all, he wasn’t being rude.

 

Mike half-lured, half-chased her to his side of the store. “We have a jacket that would look great on you. That one is too lumpy. You’ve got a much better figure than that, girl. Show it off.”

 

Bella, hoping that all of this was just Mike making a hard-sell, followed him into his shop. Maybe if she had a look at what he had to sell, he would leave her alone. But the next thing she knew, he was helping her unzip her parka and pulling on an admittedly very nice looking jacket, either oblivious to or ignoring that she was cringing away from him.

 

“See?” Mike said, stepping back and raking his eyes over her form. “It’s functional and very sexy. You’d be snug, warm, and dry on any hike.”

 

“I don’t hike,” Bella said, beginning to shrug out of the jacket.

 

“You should. I could take you.”

 

“Uh…”

 

“You know, you have a really nice butt,” Mike said, his eyes on the object in question.

 

Even though she was wearing jeans, Bella felt naked. “You know, can you maybe stop? I don’t have a nice butt.”

 

It was what she meant, but it wasn’t. She didn’t know if she had a nice butt. She hadn’t ever thought about it. Really, all she wanted was for this extended awkward moment to stop.

 

A laugh from a few feet away drew her attention, and Bella looked up to see Mr. Newton shaking his head. “Sweetheart, he’s just giving you a compliment. Hasn’t anyone ever given you a compliment before?”

 

Bella was quiet after that. Later that night, alone in her house, Bella tried to figure out why she’d been so disturbed. He’d called her pretty. What was so bad about that? His father hadn’t thought it was weird. He was right. She just wasn’t used to it. She didn't mean to come off as a stupid little kid.

 

When she ran into Mike again later that week, Bella smiled at his compliments, telling herself she shouldn't be bothered.

**~0~**

A few months after they met, Mike gave Bella a job working for him in the shop. By then, they were good friends. Bella was used to Mike's compliments, even if she'd never gotten to the point where his words made her giggle and grin like some of the other girls. She came to the conclusion Mike was just being nice, trying to make her feel good. Just like it was nice that he listened to her and appreciated when she made him a home-cooked meal.

 

Bella thought they were good friends until he cornered her one day in the supply closet. He pinned her up against the shelves and kissed her. Bella froze, her hands in the air as she tried and failed to comprehend what was happening.

 

It seemed to go on forever, but when he finally stepped away, Bella un-froze. She bolted from the closet, emerging, flushed and disheveled, only to come face-to-face with Mrs. Newton. She blushed deeper and started to stutter words that made no sense.

 

Karen Newton just smiled. “Oh, to be young again. Don’t be embarrassed, sweetheart. The heart wants what the heart wants. Who could blame you?"

**~0~**

A year passed. Karen and Mike Sr. moved to California. Mike took over the store. By that time, Bella all but lived with Mike.

 

When his parents came back for a visit, tension between Mike and Bella was high. Mike wasn't doing as well with the shop as he wanted to. Bella just wanted to seem grownup in front of her de facto in-laws. They ended up in Mike's bedroom, hissing at each other over something ridiculous.

 

As the argument came to a head, Mike cursed and slapped her. Instantly, his face turned from one of fury to one of horror. “Oh, god. Bella, I-”

 

Bella didn’t hear what else he had to say as she’d already run from the room. Outside the door in the hallway, she ran into Karen. “Hold on, honey. I have you. Come here.” She pulled Bella into the bathroom and shut the door. It took Bella a few seconds to realize she must have heard the sound of the slap. She tried to tilt her head down, but Karen caught her by the chin, turning her head. “There, that isn’t bad. You can hardly see it. Mike has his father’s temper. All bark and no bite.”

 

Karen’s tone was so conversational it confused Bella into silence. She let Mike’s mother fuss over her, breathing in shocked little gasps. No one in her entire life had ever hit her.

 

“Such a man,” Karen muttered, shaking her head. She took a step away from Bella with her hands on her hips. “Sometimes they just need to show off. Doesn’t hurt much, does it?”

 

Slowly, Bella shook her head. The initial sting had died down within a minute. She’d taken falls that hurt much worse than this and for longer.

 

“No harm done,” Karen said with a smile. “You watch. He’ll be all over you with apologies the minute I open this door. Make him work for it though. I guarantee you tomorrow you’ll have flowers at least. Probably something much nicer.”

 

She giggled, and Bella followed her out of the bathroom, because she didn’t know what else to do.

**~Today~**

“This is ridiculous, Bella. If you’re going to insist on going even though you’re obviously scared to death, I’m going with you.”

 

Bella looked up from tying her shoes. “I’m not scared.”

 

“Oh, bullshit,” Emily said. She grabbed Bella’s hand and held it up. It was shaking.

 

Clenching her fist, Bella yanked her hand away. “You weren’t invited, Em. It would be rude.”

 

“Well, tough fucking titties. None of them should care about rudeness if it means you’re more comfortable.”

 

It was a tempting thought. It had taken two years of therapy for Bella to accept the large part the Newtons played in enabling and normalizing Mike’s behavior toward her. Bella had let herself believe Edward really was the sweet, if a little angsty, guy he had been ninety-nine percent of the time they’d known each other. But the part of her that remained on guard didn’t trust herself not to be misled. So yes, she was scared. She was scared that if Edward did eventually prove himself to be the monster she’d glimpsed, his family would pull the wool tighter over her eyes.

 

Plus, who knew how they were going to react about the baby.

 

“I’m trying to be an adult about all this,” Bella said both to herself and Emily. “This is what doing the right thing looks like. I’m keeping the baby, and they’re part of it. I’m going to go there and try to get off on the right foot.”

 

It all sounded very rational and grown up in her head. Bella blew out a breath, trying to keep from wringing her hands. “Besides,” she said. “You have my car keys. If I need you, you’ll be there to bail me out in fifteen minutes, right?”

 

Emily pulled her up and into a hug. “Count on it.”

**~0~**

Bella couldn’t tell who was more nervous, her or Edward. They both kept shifting in their seat as he drove.

 

“Okay, this is fucked up,” Bella said, going out of her skin with the tension in the car. “I’m going to ruin your mother’s birthday.”

 

He blew out a breath, but he actually smiled when he glanced at her. “Emmett was a father of three before he was your age,” he reminded her. He sighed and tapped out a restless tattoo on the steering wheel. "You know how people say they'll be okay as long as their family is okay? My mom actually means that. As long as everyone is alive and healthy, she's happy."

 

Bella didn't miss the hard edge to his words when he said “alive and healthy” but Edward had already moved on.

 

"Everyone is going to be there today. Nothing could ruin how happy that will make her." Pulling up to a red light, Edward tapped on her knee so she looked at him. "Bella, you're not a bad thing that happened to me. My parents aren't going to think that, and I don't think that."

 

"Don't you?"

 

"No." The word was soft but firm. "I think we're two strangers who got hit by a freight train. We just have to survive it."

 

Bella was quiet at that. She understood what he meant, but she wished the baby, her baby, was better off than that--a situation to be survived. But that too was a fairytale. It would be nice if every baby was wanted and loved from conception, but that was often not reality.

 

It worked out most times, didn't it? Bella's parents had split up, but they both loved her.

 

"All your brother's kids will be there?" she asked.

 

“Yes. Angela and Heidi too.” Edward huffed. “Emmett is going to have a field day with this.”

 

“What?”

 

“Not with you. I’m sure he’ll be fine with you,” he said, correctly reading the trepidation that had come across her face. “I just gave him a lot of shit. I was fourteen when Aiden was born.” He rolled his eyes. “And sixteen when Brent and Bryce were born. I’m the obnoxious little brother. What was I supposed to do?”

 

“And now you knocked up some chick who’s younger than three of them.” Bella smiled, trying to cover the fact that the nerves made her queasy.

 

“Brent and Bryce are only older than you by two weeks,” he said, also trying to make light of it but not quite getting there. “But like I said, don’t worry about him. I meant what I said the other night. They’re all going to love you. Emmett will be nice. Alice, well... The problem with her is that she’s, uh...intense. She can come on too strong, but she comes from a good place. She spent the first eight years of her life in the foster system, so I think she has a tendency to overdo her acceptance so no one ever has to feel as alienated as she did.”

 

“If your family is so great, why do you stay away from them so much?” He’d told her Esme’s birthday was one of the few times a year he saw his mother.

 

He didn’t answer right away but stared straight forward as they pulled into the driveway of a house--a big house, though not the biggest on that street. “It’s not about them,” he said, and he got out of the car before she could ask any other questions.

 

They walked side by side in silence for a few steps. Bella had no idea why, whether it was because she needed it or she thought he did--maybe both--but she reached out and took Edward’s hand. He glanced at her in quiet surprise, but he squeezed her fingers as they walked the long porch to get to the front door. Neither of them let go until he raised his free hand to enter.

 

Over the last few days, they’d gone over every possible way this could happen. Edward had, as always, told her it was up to her. They’d gone over each side, whether she wanted him to tell his family before she arrived. Tempting, but they sounded like the kind of people who, like Edward, might turn their attention on her arrival rather than Esme’s birthday, and she didn’t want to take that chance. Edward said they didn’t have to tell anyone now, but Bella told him that was just silly. Making a decision was often agonizing for Bella, but once made, she wanted to follow through as quickly as possible. There wasn’t any sense in putting off the inevitable. Besides, how else was he going to explain why he brought a college freshman to his mother’s birthday when he’d hardly shown his face to his family in a solid decade?

 

What they’d settled on was arriving early so they could tell Esme and Carlisle first and tackle the rest of the family as they came.

 

Edward paused before he opened the door. “Bella, I know I’m no prize. I’m trying. But my family will be there for you if you let them.”

 

He didn’t give her the chance to respond to that but pushed the door open, calling for his mother.

**~0~**

Renee wasn’t an unloving mother, but she hadn’t been demonstrative by a longshot. Karen Newton had been one of those moms who preferred to be your best friend. She’d doted on her little boy and thought he was the perfect prince.

 

Esme Cullen was warm. From her sweet smile to her soft eyes, she was just warm. When they walked in the door, Bella felt a pang for something she didn’t even realize she’d wanted as she watched Edward get kissed and hugged.

 

A few minutes later, when they’d both stumbled their way through the truth, Bella found herself alone with Esme while Edward had been drawn away by Carlisle. Bella wondered if they’d done it on purpose--some kind of divide and conquer.

 

She got her answer almost the second the men were out of earshot.

 

Esme came to sit beside her on the couch and took her hands. For some reason, Bella didn’t find this gesture odd or uncomfortable. Instead, some of her nerves settled. She looked up at the older woman tentatively.

 

“How are you feeling, Bella?”

 

Bella ducked her head, shy and ashamed. “I’m fine.”

 

Esme lifted one hand to her cheek in a gentle gesture, and Bella raised her head again. The older woman’s smile was as easy as her touch. “When I was pregnant with Emmett, I was your age. I’m an old woman now, but I remember what it was like. Tell me really.”

 

“I’m...it’s okay. Really.”

 

Esme tilted her head, giving Bella a mother’s knowing look that she’d only ever read about. It was potent. Bella huffed and spilled. “I’m always tired. Everything makes me sick, and everything…” She sucked in a breath, trying to cut off the wave of emotion as it hit, but as usual, it was no use. “Everything makes me cry,” she said, voice cracking.

 

“Oh, sweetheart.” Esme stroked her hair with such tenderness, it only made Bella start to cry harder. When Esme tugged, Bella fell forward, letting the woman, this near perfect stranger, wrap her arms around her.

 

Bella hated this. She hated how out of control her life was. She hated her spiraling moods, and she hated how much she cried. In general, she wasn’t a crier. Throughout the whole thing with Mike, she’d had more of a stare-blankly-at-the-wall reaction. All her life, she’d really only cried when she was frustrated or angry. But since she’d figured out she was pregnant, she’d been weepy. It was driving her crazy.

 

Of course, her spiraling emotions only made the crying jag worse. She should have been mortified to break down like this, but in her misery, Esme was the only bright, warm spot she had. The woman held her tightly and stroked her hair.

 

It was all so very motherly--foreign to Bella, and yet, she somehow felt like she’d been waiting for this hug all her life.

 

“I’m sorry,” Bella said, sniffling as she finally found the will to pull away from Esme. She wiped at her eyes. “God, you must think I’m a basket case.”

 

“No,” Esme said, wiping her cheek with the back of her knuckles. “I think you’re very brave.”

 

Bella looked up through watery eyes. “I’m not,” she said in a whisper.

 

Esme took her hands again. “I’m scared too. For Edward, of course, but also for you. I love my son, Bella, but he has his own problems. I know that; so I want you to know right now, you can talk to me. I’ll give you my number, and if you need anything at all, I’m here.”

 

For a second, Bella thought she was going to start crying all over again. She took a deep breath, sniffling, and managed to get ahold of herself. “I...that would be nice,” she said, more relieved than she knew how to deal with. Emily was a great friend, but she’d never been pregnant and she was just as young as Bella was. Renee, when Bella did get up the courage to tell her, just wasn’t the type of mother anyone could lean on.

 

Maybe Edward was right--his family could be her support. All the books and websites about pregnancy said a support system was one of the most important things any pregnant woman could have. She wanted more than anything to be strong and self-sufficient, but that terrified little girl who’d gone fetal in the corner the minute she figured out she was pregnant sure could use a motherly hug now and then.

 

There wasn’t any shame in wanting that, right?

 

A small weight came off her shoulders, and when Esme hugged her again, Bella hugged her back, grateful.

 

Pulling back, Esme patted her hand, looking her over with an expression Bella couldn’t read. “I think Edward thinks I’m flighty sometimes.” A look of profound sadness came over her. “I think it came from the fact that when Xavier was dying, I never stopped praying for a miracle. I don’t think it’s flighty to believe the impossible can happen. I’m also realistic enough not to depend on it.” She sighed and squeezed Bella’s hands again. “I want to promise you everything will work out, and life will be beautiful. But you remind me of Edward in many ways. I get the feeling you wouldn’t believe me anymore than he would. So I’m just going to tell you I’m sixty years old today. I’ve been through a lot of difficult times. I can’t tell you the number of times it’s felt like my life was going to be destroyed. It never was. Harder in some ways, sure, but I also got a lot of beauty in return. None of this is going to make your road easier, but it’s something to think about.”

 

Esme told her where the bathroom was in case she wanted to splash some cool water on her face, and then excused herself to figure out where her husband and son had gotten to. Bella retreated to the bathroom but paused when a picture caught her eye.

 

It was Edward, much younger, and so much different than the Edward she knew. She’d often thought his eyes were beautiful, but she could see how much duller they were now. In the picture, they were so alive it was startling. His cheeks were flushed. His grin was so wide it might have been funny except that it was easy to see why he was so happy.

 

There was a tiny bundle wrapped in a blue blanket nestled in his arms. The picture had been taken in a hospital, and the baby was small enough it had to be Edward with Xavier as a newborn.

 

The man in the picture was not only happy, but he was light. There was no hint of the heaviness that painted Edward’s features now. This was a man ecstatic to be a father.

 

Bella’s heart broke at the sight, for him, knowing what the man in the picture didn’t know, that he was going to lose his baby boy, but also for the baby she carried.

  
Would he ever look at their baby like that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to songster, myonlyheroin, barburella, and jessypt.
> 
> Before you can ask, yes we will get more clarification on Bella and Mike and what all happened in that clusterfuck. For now, how are we doing? :D


	9. Chapter 8 - Pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The timeframes got a bit mixed up for me. My bad. So in previous flashbacks, when it said eleven years ago, it should have said twelve years ago. Also, Edward should have been twenty-five in the flashback from chapter seven.
> 
> Let’s talk ages, some of which I’ve mentioned and some I haven’t. I need to keep myself straight and some of you are curious.
> 
> Esme and Carlisle are sixty. Emmett and Jasper are thirty-nine, Alice and Edward are thirty-six. Rosalie is thirty-five. Aiden, Emmett’s son with Angela, is twenty-two. Brent and Bryce, his twins with Heidi, are twenty. Bella is twenty. April, Emmett’s girl with Jessica, is twelve. Give or take some months here and there. Forgive me.

**~Eleven Years Ago - January~**

Xavier Kieren Cullen was born on January third, having held on long enough past his Christmas due date to make his poor mother believe she’d be pregnant forever.

 

“I see how you are,” Kate said, tilting her head against Edward’s as they both looked down on the baby. “You’re one of those people who don’t want to have a Christmas birthday, aren’t you, little man?”

 

Edward put his finger in his son’s palm, watching in awe as his mini digits curled. “He’ll be almost a year old on his first Christmas.”

 

Kate grinned at him with a gleam in her eyes. “Good. We have almost a year to plan.”

 

He chuckled and kissed her and then kissed his son, dreaming of the years and Christmases to come.

**~June~**

Almost every parent panicked the first time their baby got sick. High fevers and congestion were tantamount to a national emergency complete with an ER visit. Despite assurances from everyone that Xavier was fine, Edward and Kate were sure he wasn’t.

 

They were the exception to the rule. Xavier wasn’t fine.

 

Even though the slim possibility that something was very wrong was what drove Edward and Kate to take their son to the emergency room in the first place, Edward still couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Words slipped in. Awful, frightening words. But Edward didn’t let the concepts gel in his head. His son was sick. He’d known it coming in. But this sick? Stuffy nose, coughing, and chest congestion he could handle. He could help his son through that. The things the doctor was talking about were so far out of his hands, it was as though Edward’s brain couldn’t process the words. He shut down. He couldn’t breathe or think.

 

His son wasn’t just sick. He was dying.

 

Beside him, Kate swallowed thickly. She was squeezing his hands so hard, he would have cried out if he had any voice left at all. “Okay,” she said, the word coming out strained. “So how do we fight this?”

 

The doctor looked at her with compassion. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Cullen. There’s no fighting this.”

 

She stood up, letting go of Edward’s hand, so she could lean forward on the desk. “What do you mean there’s no fighting this? Of course we’re going to fight this. That’s my baby. You can’t tell me we can’t fight. I don’t care what it is. There has to be something.”

 

“I’m-”

 

“Don’t tell me you’re sorry. My baby doesn’t need sorry. He needs you to help him. You have to help him.”

 

Edward finally got his body to move again. He stood and reached for her arm. “Kate,” he said, turning her toward him. He caught her face in his hands, stroking her cheeks because he didn’t have the words. “Katie.”

 

She looked at him, the fury in her eyes draining to fear and agony. “He’s my baby.” Her lower lip crumpled, and she fell forward into his arms as she sobbed. “Our baby, our baby.”

 

Xavier wasn’t even six months old.

**~Now - Early June~**

Edward had a mind for dates. He remembered around which date the most important events of his life happened. His first kiss happened on April Fool’s day. He and Alice got lost for three hours in Yosemite National Park on July fourteenth. He met Kate in September.

 

Every year, January marked the beginning of his memories with his son. June marked the beginning of the end. June was when every moment became measured and precious; when he’d begun counting Xavier’s smiles and trying to memorize every inch of his son’s face. Every year, those memories played over and over.

 

It was early in the month. Eleven years ago today, Edward was a tired but happy father. Eleven years ago he came home every night and he, and Xavier had some tummy time. The baby’s grip was strong when Edward pulled him into a sitting position and he held onto his father’s fingers.

 

Today, Edward came home from work to a quiet, neat house. He sat in the living room, trying to remember exactly where Xavier’s blanket had lain and how he looked upon it, grinning and trying to stuff his foot in his mouth. He tried to recall the blissful ignorance to the fact that even then, his son’s tiny body had held a time bomb.

 

There had never been any hope for him. It wasn’t genetics or something missed by the doctors or his parents. It was luck of the draw--as simple and meaningless as that.

 

A knock at the door brought Edward’s head up. He rubbed his eyes, trying to remember exactly where he was, or rather, when he was. What was going on now? His thoughts were lethargic, but he got to his feet and went to the door where he his brother stood on his stoop. He had to swallow a groan. They’d both been calling off and on since their mother’s birthday a few days before.

 

He considered only briefly slamming the door in Emmett’s face. It had been a long time since Emmett had bothered him, and he’d been very good to Bella that weekend. With a grunt, he stepped back, allowing his brother inside.

 

Emmett almost vibrated with contained mirth. Edward gestured with his hand that he should talk.

 

Emmett laughed. “Bro,” he said, shaking his head. “This is a plot twist I didn’t see coming.”

 

“In case you were wondering why I haven’t answered my phone.” Edward pointed at his brother.

 

“Come on. Everything else aside, you have to see how funny this is.”

 

Edward crossed his arms over his chest. “Explain which part of this is funny, Emmett. You think it’s hilarious that Bella is twenty years old? This is her first semester of college; you want to know why? Well, it beats the hell out of me, because she won’t tell me what happened to her before I happened to her. She’s terrified, and sometimes I think it’s me she’s most scared of. That’s just her. Maybe I’m missing the hilarious part here.”

 

Emmett bowed his head, shaking it. “You know what, Edward? I’m not going to do this with you. I think ten and a half years is enough time to put up with your pissy bullshit.”

 

“This is what you came here for?”

 

“No. I came here to see what I could do for you.”

 

“Well, let me tell you. This is just a stellar work.”

 

Emmett huffed, rubbing the back of his neck. “What do you expect? It’s been over a decade and all of us have tried everything to get you back in the world. No one knows how to deal with you. Maybe yelling at you will work. Who the hell knows. But you’re going to be a daddy. You--”

 

“In case you were wondering, forgetting the fact I’m already a father isn’t helping.”

 

“Jesus Christ. Edward, no one’s forgotten Xavier. No one’s going to forget him. This whole situation you have going on with Bella is probably a lot horrible, but it’s also a little bit funny. That’s what life is--horrible with a side of funny. Just like it was funny Jess and I were so fucking careful, but we got pregnant anyway. Three separate accidents. The first two, I mean I was a horny teenager. It overwrote my brain function. But a third accident when I both knew better and we were on two forms of protection? That’s hilarious. Traumatizing but funny.”

 

Edward was gnashing his teeth, looking anywhere but his brother, so he was startled when Emmett grabbed him by the shoulders. “You’re right here, you asshole. Living. Life goes on. It’s funny and it’s stupid and it sucks and it’s amazing. It’s here, and you’re going to have another kid. Little brother, I’m scared for you. I’m scared what this is going to do to you. But I’m also going to laugh at the fact my boys were totally checking out your baby momma, I mean come on. It is at least a little hilarious that she could have been their prom date just a few years ago. That’s some Springer-worthy shit right there.”

 

“Let go of me.” Edward yanked out of his brother’s grip, but he only went as far as the armchair.

 

Emmett sat down across from him. “So Bella-girl is pretty,” he said after a long minute.

 

Edward grunted because he couldn’t argue with that. “All of the boys?” he asked.

 

“Yep.”

 

“I’m pretty sure Brent’s boyfriend might have questions about that.”

 

“Hey, man. Looking isn’t off limits.”

**~0~**

It was strange. Edward often thought of what his life would have been like if Xavier had been allowed to grow up. In his daydreams, he often pictured his ten-year-old boy here in the living room, doing his homework under his parents’ watchful eyes.

 

The sight that greeted him in this reality was somewhat disconcerting. Textbooks and notebooks were spread all over his coffee table, but rather than his son, it was Bella sitting on his living room floor, head bent over her notes. Emily’s boyfriend and his loud, over-grown, football-player friends had taken over their tiny dorm room, and Edward had managed to convince Bella it was fine for her to study at his place.

 

For a few seconds, he watched her, marvelling again at her ability to keep moving forward. In the last couple of weeks, she had finished three major papers and a project. Edward had dropped the one class he was taking for fun. Granted he, for the most part, had been keeping up at work, but progressing in any aspect of his life? Not so much.

 

Bella blew out a sharp breath and put down the packed she’d been studying. She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose, her coloring gone sallow. Edward’s lips twitched downward and he went into the room. “Feeling sick?”

 

“Uh huh.”

 

“Would you like water? Crackers? Ginger tea?”

 

“Oh god. I need you to stop talking about things that I can eat or drink because the thought of swallowing is making me sicker.”

 

“Sorry.” Edward sat down on the couch near her.

 

“Hasn’t been bad lately.” She tilted her head back, resting it on the couch, but she didn’t open her eyes. “Give it a minute, and it’ll pass.”

 

He waited with her, and after minutes of measured breaths, the tension in her body eased a bit. She kept her eyes closed, but she moved her hand to the back of her neck, digging the pad of her thumb into her skin.

 

Edward didn’t think before he moved. He scooted over, gently batting Bella’s hand away, and began to knead the knots at her neck. His fingers faltered when she sucked in a breath, but she only tilted her head, allowing him better access. He was always glad when she let him do small favors for her, especially this kind. The idea that he was slowly earning her trust soothed at least one of the thousands of hurts he carried.

 

Slowly, Bella’s eyes came open, but she wasn’t looking at anything. “What are you thinking?” he asked to fill the silence.

 

She frowned. He saw her throat move as she swallowed. “Do you know anything about government-assisted health insurance?”

 

Edward’s fingers paused. He’d expected her to say Freshman Composition or Statistics. He brushed her hair off one shoulder and pressed his fingertips into the muscles there. “I thought you were on your mother’s insurance.”

 

“I am.”

 

“But?”

 

She’d begun to wring her hands in her lap. “She’ll get the itemized bill.” She gave a laugh, the sound small and forced. “It’s probably a non-issue. Renee has a habit of not opening her mail for months.”

 

Edward stayed quiet as he processed that, massaging a while longer. Finally, he let his fingers rest briefly at the crook of her arm. “Come up here.”

 

Bella pushed herself up onto the couch facing him, but she wasn’t looking at him.

 

“I’m just trying to understand,” he said. “You wanted to tell my family right away because you didn’t think there was a point in putting it off, but you don’t seem to want to tell your own. I can understand your father to an extent.” She was going home to Washington for the summer in a week and two days. “You might as well talk to him face to face, but why don’t you want your mother to know?”

 

She shrugged. “I don’t want my father to know either, but he’d probably figure it out when I get all...” She made a ballooning gesture. She finally looked up at him, though furtively. “It’s not what you’re probably thinking. I mean, if you think I’m afraid of them or something like that, I’m not.”

 

“Okay,” he said, shifting on the couch so his knee touched hers.

 

“They can’t really say much, right? My mom was seventeen when she got pregnant with me.” She reached out, pressing the tip of one finger against one of his, then the next, then the next in an idle game as she put together her thoughts. “Anyway. It’s just that they think I’m an idiot. Mike, um…” She always struggled when she talked about him. “Mike was older than me. Adult older.”

 

A thick knot formed in Edward’s throat. She said she’d been in therapy for two years, which meant she’d met Mike before that. “As old as me?” he asked, keeping his tone even.

 

She shook her head “Six years.”

 

Edward had to fight to keep the reaction from his face. She was watching him, likely waiting for her judgment. He was judging hard but not her. Mike definitely because he’d had no business going near her, but what did that mean for him?

 

“I was sixteen,” she said after a moment’s silence.

 

“Jesus Christ,” Edward murmured under his breath.

 

“That’s the age of consent in Washington,” Bella continued, her tone flat. “There wasn’t much they could do about it except tell me I was stupid. They kept telling me it was going to end badly.”

 

He saw the shudder that passed through her and wondered, not for the first time, if she was going to run into her ex when she was in Forks. Suddenly, he needed to know. “Bella?”

 

She looked up at him, her eyes so lost she almost looked childlike.

 

“Where is Mike?”

 

The color drained from her cheeks and she shifted, angling her body away from him, curling inward. It was a long minute before she answered and even then her voice was small. “Jail.”

 

Edward closed his eyes and counted to ten before he trusted himself to speak again. “For what?”

 

The energy in the room shifted from one of heavy, slow dread to one of frenetic motion. Bella turned back to him and, to his shock, pulled her shirt off. He was about to ask what the hell was going on when she lifted her arm, pointing to a spot on her side. “This was a chest tube. They shoved a tube through here to reinflate my lungs.”

 

At first, Edward couldn’t process all of what he was seeing. He had the urge to look away to protect her modesty but also because he wasn’t sure he wanted to know the terrible details.

 

The spot she was pointing at was a cylindrical scar, but it wasn’t the only one she had. Here and there were smaller scars. She turned to show a smaller, neater scar on her other side. “Collapsed lung. Other internal injuries. My leg was broken in three places.”

 

“Bella,” he whispered.

 

She pulled her shirt back on and folded her arms around herself. “I was laying there, gasping for air, and he was telling me to tell the paramedics that I fell. Over and over again, that’s all he said. ‘You’re so clumsy. I didn’t even push you that hard. You tripped, baby. Tell them you fell down the stairs.’”

 

Her voice trembled, and when she looked at him again, her eyes were so remote it chilled him to the bone. “That’s what it took for me to figure out he was an asshole.” She swallowed hard. “So I guess you can see my parents’ point.”

 

Careful but desperate to comfort her, Edward scooted back to her side and put his arm around her. When she didn’t resist, he drew her close. “You’re not an idiot.”

 

“I know. Two years of therapy...I know why it happened, and I know it wasn’t my fault.” She said the words by rote, and he wondered how often she’d had to tell herself that.

 

He wondered if she actually believed it. Truth wasn’t the same as belief.

 

“And I don’t want you to think my parents blamed me,” Bella said. “They never said that. It was just written between the lines of what they said; that if I had listened to them, if I hadn’t made such stupid decisions in the first place, maybe I wouldn’t be...like this.”

 

She took a shaky breath and wound her arms around him, curling closer. “This whole thing with us, it’s such a mess. You’re not Mike. You’re nothing like Mike, but I can’t figure out the right words to make this all sound...not messy. This is better than what was happening with Mike, but it’s also-”

 

He stroked her hair once gently. “It’s also worse, in a way,” he said, finishing the sentence she’d stopped herself from saying.

 

Mike had obviously been an asshole, but when she got free, there was nothing left over to tie her to him.

 

Seconds ticked on into minutes as he tried for the millionth time to sort it all out in his head. He didn’t know what to do for her, or what to say to make it all right. All he could do was keep on holding her, because he could offer her that much comfort. He ran his fingers up and down her arm idly.

 

“Edward?” she asked after a few minutes.

 

“Hmm?”

 

She yawned, and Edward noticed suddenly that she was leaning harder against his side. “We’re going to your parents on Saturday still, right?”

 

His hand froze mid stroke. “What?”

 

“Your mom said to come to dinner.”

 

Edward was torn between his concern for her--her words were slurred and her eyelids were drooping--and a growing discomfort at what she was saying. “Did she?”

 

“Yeah.” Another yawn. “Dinner Saturday. She said she asked you.”

 

Technically, she had. Whenever they spoke or saw each other, Esme always asked to see him the next weekend.

 

“Does she really like me?” Bella asked in that far away tone that told him she was probably already one foot in the land of dreams.

 

“I told you she would,” he said, looking down on her as her head finally went limp against his shoulder. She’d been so exhausted lately.

 

She had also been used by his loving mother. Edward hadn’t told Carlisle much when his father cornered him after he and Bella dropped the news about the baby. One of the few things he had told his father was the best thing anyone could do for him was to treat Bella well. Naturally, he couldn’t refuse a visit if she wanted to see them.

 

Tricky mother.

 

After a few minutes, Edward stroked Bella’s cheek, calling her name.

 

“I‘m sorry,” Bella mumbled, dragging heavy lids open. “I should go.”

 

“You don’t have to. Just wake up enough to come upstairs. You can have my bed.”

 

“Shouldn’t.”

 

“It’s okay, Bella. I’ll be fine on the couch.”

 

She made a disgruntled noise, but when he took her hands to pull her to her feet, she sagged against him automatically. “I’m so tired.”

 

Despite her protests, when they got to his bedroom, she fell on his bed and went straight to sleep again.

 

For a few minutes, Edward allowed himself to look, trying to process everything she’d told him tonight. He had so many more questions now and more worries too. He had the absurd desire to ask her not to go home for the summer, like he didn’t trust her father with her well being.

 

Edward snorted to himself. As though he knew what the hell he was doing.

 

With a sigh, Edward knelt at her side by the bed and began to untie her shoes. To his dismay, her brows furrowed, and she began to whimper though she didn’t wake up.

 

Tender words came to him without real thought of what he was saying. “Bella,” he said, stroking her knee. “Hey, it’s okay. Baby, I’m trying to take care of you. Shhh.”

 

“Please,” she whispered, curling herself into a tighter ball on the bed. “Please don’t hurt me.”

 

Edward took his hands off her in an instant.

  
Her ragged breath calmed, and it took only a minute before she was sleeping peacefully again, leaving Edward to look on her and wonder just how many ways a heart could break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to Packy 2.0, barburella, and songster.
> 
> How are you, my friends?


	10. Chapter 9 - Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Happy Holidays. Have some angst?

There were a lot of reasons Bella didn’t like talking about Mike, not the least of which being that thinking about him brought back the bad dreams.

 

Even two years later, Bella’s mind was a chaotic, confused mess when she tried to sort out how she’d let Mike happen to her. She knew all the reasons her therapists had repeated often enough. She’d been starved for attention and affection. Having not received it from her parents, she’d sought it where she could get it. Then, she had fallen victim to conditioning and his manipulation.

 

It all seemed so stupid when his attention creeped her out from the get go. But each time, at each step, she convinced herself it was only inexperience that made her cringe. No one had ever called her sexy and looked at her with hungry eyes. No one had ever kissed her. No one had ever…

 

Well.

 

Mike never missed a chance to remind her how young and immature she was. He told her constantly how lucky she was that he was so patient, so willing to teach her about pleasing a man and love her despite her irritating habits.

 

He had been kind to her in many ways. He’d cuddled her and whispered sweet things when she needed to hear them. He told her that her mother was an asshole for letting her stepfather convince her to send Bella away and that Charlie was neglectful. Mike told her not to worry, that he’d take care of her.

 

That was what he said so often. “I’m trying to take care of you, baby.” It was what he said when he brought her flowers and spoiled her with jewelry.

 

It was also invariably what he said after he hit her. The first few times he slapped her, he’d immediately sunk to his knees and put his arms around her waist. “I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry. You just drive me so crazy sometimes. I’m trying to take care of you. Why do you make it so hard? Don’t you see, Bella? No one could love you like I do. You’re so difficult, but I love you anyway.”

 

At the time, it had made an aching kind of sense. She was difficult--stubborn and a little stupid. Every time it happened, she could see how she’d pushed his buttons. And those slaps, like the first one, hadn’t hurt so much. It was like Karen Newton had said--he was just showing off. It made sense. Renee had told her often enough that a woman had to let a man believe he was right. You had to preserve their male pride. Bella was just very bad at that. It was all just posturing on Mike’s part. He didn’t mean to hurt her, and really, he hadn’t.

 

Even when she lay in her hospital bed, half out of her mind with confusion and pain, some small voice in Bella’s head was still whispering that he hadn’t meant to hurt her. They were fighting and he’d shoved her, but he hadn’t meant to throw her down the stairs. That was an accident. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have called the ambulance. He wouldn’t have been there, holding her hand as she woke up from the surgery. He didn’t want to hurt her.

 

But he had, another voice argued. Before he’d shoved her away from him, he’d hit her. Really hit her. Not a slap but a punch that had caught her in the stomach, leaving her bewildered and breathless. He’d punched her, then he’d caught her by the shoulders, shaking her violently as he screamed, and when he’d shoved her away, he’d pushed too hard. She’d gone tumbling down with such force her falling body had shattered the banister, dropping her hard on the wood floor from halfway up the stairs.

 

That wasn’t okay. It couldn’t be okay.

 

Bella came awake with a start. She sat up in bed, looking around wildly, disconcerted and befuddled. The panic of the nightmare still had her, and she searched through the confusion and terror in her mind, trying to remember the threat.

 

Her eyes fell on a form propped up against the door, his head lolled to one side in sleep. Bella blinked, trying to figure out if this was real. It was, she realized after a few moments. She was in Edward’s house, in his bed, and he was curled up on the floor of his bedroom. Why…

 

She had vague memories of waking from the grips of nightmare once before to the sound of his voice calling her name. “Bella? Wake up. You’re okay. No one is going to hurt you. I swear I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

 

Still mostly asleep, her thoughts were concrete but a tangle of emotions. Blinking at him in the semi-darkness, she recalled an intense neediness. Since she found out she was pregnant, she’d pushed back the desperate feeling of loneliness. Other things, her indecision and anxiety, took priority. But when she woke up that night, already left defenseless from fighting past battles, the emotion wouldn’t be ignored. It was the worst feeling in the world to be so alone when she was surrounded by people. But Edward. Edward had to be the only other person on the planet whose life had been shaken. Like her, he was scared and helpless.

 

She remembered grasping at his hands, squeezing them tightly. “Don’t leave me alone,” she said. No matter that she knew he was broken and aching with a pain she couldn’t begin to understand, she would die if he left her alone in this. At that moment she was certain of it.

 

“I won’t,” he’d said. “I’m right here. I won’t leave.”

 

True to his word, he hadn’t. He was still there, like a sentry, guarding the door so no one could hurt her.

 

Bella climbed out of his bed, wondering if she would ever lose this lingering feeling that she was a silly little girl, unprepared for life. She hated that the mere mention of Mike’s name, the hint of what had happened to her, had sent her into a tailspin like this. She loathed that he still had that much power over her, and that it had affected Edward now, too.

 

“Edward?” She called his name softly, nudging his leg with the tip of her toe.

 

“Hmm?” He hummed but didn’t wake.

 

She knelt by his side, giving his shoulders a little shake, and his eyes opened. He winced, a hand going to his neck, and Bella grimaced. “I’m sorry,” she said. “Get up. It can’t be comfortable to sleep like that.”

 

He blinked a few more times, looking adorably confused as he allowed her to pull him to his feet. “Didn’t mean to fall asleep,” he mumbled.

 

“It’s really late. Or early. You should be asleep. Come on. Get in bed.” She tried to pull him over to his bed, but he stopped.

 

“I was going to go back to the couch when I was sure you wouldn’t wake up again,” Edward said. “I can do that.”

 

“It’s okay. I’ve been enough of a pain in the ass.”

 

He looked at her, his eyes still half-hooded from sleep. “I wish you would stop that.”

 

“What?”

 

“Putting yourself down, like you’re some burden to me.” He sighed, and gave her one of those small, almost painful smiles. “There’s not much I can do to make things easier on you, but I’ll do anything I can. I want to do anything I can.”

 

Bella opened her mouth to tell him she didn’t need to be taken care of, but she quickly shut it again, realizing it wasn’t the truth. She didn’t want to be taken care of. After Mike, all she wanted in the world was to be strong and stand on her own two feet. But the truth of the matter was, she needed Edward. She’d been right, in her desperate flailing the night before. He was the only one who understood the depth of the chasm they were teetering on the edge of, and they needed each other.

 

Right then, he needed her to let him take care of her just a little bit. Bella understood that. Wasn’t it the same reason she’d made sure he agreed to go to lunch at his parents’ that weekend? Bella wanted to go to see Esme. She would have gladly clung to Esme’s skirts like a child; she needed a mother that much, but the rest of the family overwhelmed her. Emmett and his sons were intimidating--loud and big. Angela and Heidi were too knowing and pitying. Alice was...energetic to say the least. None of them were unkind, though Rosalie had been a little cold, but the idea of being amidst all that chaos again was slightly unnerving.

 

Still, Bella had prodded Edward to go because she wanted to take care of him. He was so broken, and she could see the strain this whole situation was putting on him. She was hopelessly out of her depth and couldn’t understand why he wasn’t turning to a family who so obviously wanted to take him back. So she’d agreed to go, not for her sake but for his. She’d used her certainty that he wouldn’t refuse if he thought she wanted to go.

 

Bella swallowed hard, looking up at Edward. “How about a compromise, then?” She tried her best to smile. “We can both sleep in the bed.”

 

His eyes widened before he controlled his expression. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

 

“I don’t think I’ll be uncomfortable.” Whatever hold Mike had on her had passed for the moment, and she was back in control of her actions and reactions.

 

Whatever it had cost them, Bella’s choice to take Edward to her bed retained its intended effect; it had proved to her Mike didn’t have power over her choices anymore. She could choose to sleep beside Edward without it being a problem. Probably. “I’ll keep my hands to myself,” she said, smiling more readily now.

 

At that, he burst out laughing; a deep chuckle that brought a blush to her cheeks and made her smile.

 

“I’m sorry,” he said. “It was just the mental picture of you as the villain trying to lure me into bed to steal my virtue.”

 

His lopsided grin was beautiful, but he wiped a hand over his mouth, as though wiping it away, and smiled at her more sheepishly. “Sorry,” he said again.

 

“No, it’s funny.” The smile that had so briefly lit his face had sparked life in his eyes, if only for a few seconds. She didn’t want to lose the lightness of the moment. “Too bad I don’t have a moustache to twirl.”

 

His lips quirked and he sighed, looking at her more seriously. “Are you sure you’d be okay, Bella? I’m fine on the couch.”

 

Shyly, she extended a hand toward him. “Come on.”

 

His hand warm in hers, they moved to the bed and got in. It was a King-sized bed, and it was easy for them both to lay side by side without touching. Still, it was awkward. Bella’s mouth was dry and her heart pounded as she lay on her back, staring up at the ceiling in the darkness. She glanced to the side and, seeing Edward in a similar position with his arms folded chastely on his chest, she had to giggle.

 

He huffed, and the awkward mood was broken as they glanced at each other. It was rather ridiculous. They’d created a baby, for fuck’s sake. This should be nothing.

 

“Goodnight, Bella,” he said, his voice so gentle.

 

Bella yawned, sleepiness gaining on her quicker than she’d imagined it could--damn pregnancy. “Goodnight,” she said and closed her eyes.

**~0~**

A week and change flew by, and before Bella knew it, the first semester of her college career was over. Bella couldn’t help but wonder if it would be her last. Oh, Edward talked a big game, but the truth was, anything could happen. Technically, she wasn’t due until after the fall semester ended, and she’d have some time to recover from the birth before spring semester started again.

 

Bella flexed her hands at her sides. She’d come to Flagstaff and Northern Arizona University in February, looking forward to finally starting her life. How could she have guessed she was going to have a baby before the year was out? Edward could promise all he wanted, but Bella knew damn well life wasn’t neat and tidy. Maybe she’d make it back to school, maybe she wouldn’t.

 

She rubbed her eyes, tired all over again. Since figuring out she was pregnant, she’d been following a tactic she’d learned in therapy, to compartmentalize and try not to look at the big picture. Complete one task, then the next, then the next, and by the time you look back at everything you’ve already accomplished, what lay ahead didn’t seem as overwhelming.

 

Of course, the niggling voice at the back of her mind was exasperated at her naiveté . That was all well and good for most things, but at some point, she was going to have to make huge changes with her life. She was going to have to deal with things like where she was going to live with a baby--her baby. Day care. Whether she could keep her scholarship and raise a kid at the same time. There was no such thing as making small decisions when you were going to have a baby.

 

But Bella couldn’t think about that yet. She kept putting one foot in front of the other, and that had to be enough.

 

Besides, so many of the decisions she had to make depended greatly on the man sitting across from her. He seemed to be on-board with the whole one thing at a time plan. The current topic of discussion, as he drove her from Flagstaff to Phoenix so she could fly to Washington, was how she was going to tell her father.

 

“You shouldn’t have to do this alone,” Edward said, glancing at her as he drove.

 

Bella sighed, twirling a lock of hair around her finger. “I’m not saying no. I’m saying I don’t know when I’m going to tell him. There’s no point in ruining the whole summer.” She toed off her shoes and pulled her feet up on the seat. “Maybe I’ll put it off until I can’t button my jeans or something. But still, it’s ridiculous for you to think about buying a plane ticket just to have a conversation.”

 

“It’s not ridiculous. It’s respectful for one thing.”

 

“Oh sure,” Bella said, crossing her arms over her chest with a huff. “You have to be a man and take responsibility. It’d be important to apologize to my father.”

 

“That’s not it at all. I meant it’s respectful to you.” His tone softened. “My responsibility is to you, not him. It’s important to me because your father’s opinion is important to you. I don’t want him to think worse of you because I gave him even the chance to say I’m being a coward not facing him directly.” He hesitated a moment, tapping on the steering wheel. “And it sounds like maybe you could use the support.”

 

Bella squeezed her knees tighter against her chest and didn’t answer at first. It had occurred to her the previous night as she was packing that she wasn’t looking forward to going home. It was a chore--something she had to do.

 

Forks didn’t hold a lot of happy for her.

 

“My dad was the one who got Mike away from me...after the accident, I mean,” she said apropos of nothing. She rested her head on her knees, staring out the window as the ponderosa pines began to fade into the shrubbery of the desert. “The doctors and nurses...everyone in that damn little town knew we were together. They didn’t even question that Mike was talking for me, and didn’t make him leave my room even though we weren’t married. But my dad took one look at me, my injuries, and he knew damn well I didn’t fall. He got Mike away so I could talk to the doctor alone.”

 

“Bella, I don’t know how much it means coming from me, but I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

 

“I know.” She sighed. “I just wanted you to know it’s not that he didn’t try to take care of me. I didn’t make it very easy on him.”

 

“Somehow, that doesn’t surprise me,” he said in a light tone. “But that didn’t make it your fault, either.”

 

“I know,” she said, and after another beat, she spoke again. “We were in Charlie’s house--Mike and I--when the argument happened.”

 

Edward sucked in a breath. “The same house?”

 

“Yeah. I lived with him most of the time. With Mike, I mean. Charlie hated that. He told me so often it wasn’t right, but I think he was scared I was going to run off if he didn’t leave me alone. I don’t know. It’s all mixed up now.” She gave her head a shake, trying not to let the voice in her head start its tirade of what an idiot she’d been back then. If only she’d listened.

 

“I was at my dad’s house because I knew he’d had a rough week. Bad accident, you know? And that kind of stuff always took a lot out of him. So I wanted to do something nice. I went to his house to make him dinner. But Mike had a rough week too, businesswise.” She scoffed. “He was a bad businessman. He had a lot of rough weeks.” She tightened her arms around her knees. A shiver went down her spine when she remembered how frustrated he would get, and how she had to try so hard not to make him angry. “All he wanted was to see me when he got home, and I wasn’t there.”

 

She shook her head again, this time warding off her memories. “Charlie wasn’t there either. Still at the station. I wanted to surprise him. Mike was lucky he wasn’t there.”

 

Edward blew out a shaky breath, but he reached across the console to tap her knee. “If you’re trying to scare me, it’s working, but I still want to come up when you’re ready to tell him.”

 

Bella rolled her head back to look at him. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to let him kill you.”

 

“Well, with you to protect me, I’ll feel very safe.” He honored her with a small but genuine smile.

 

An hour later, they were at Sky Harbor airport. Edward pulled up and immediately got out to help her get her luggage out of the trunk.

 

“Well,” he said, turning to her.

 

He took a hesitant step forward, and Bella was struck by a strong desire to stay. It wasn’t a desire linked to how little she wanted to be in Forks or how nervous she was about her father; this feeling was about Edward. After weeks of his showing up almost every day, making sure she ate or had a place to study, Bella found she didn’t want to be away from him.

 

“Promise me something,” she said in a rush.

 

He raised a questioning eyebrow. “Okay.”

 

“Go see your family tomorrow.” Tomorrow was his birthday. Too embarrassed to give it to him in person, Bella had hidden a gift for him in his room earlier that morning. She could see his surprise at her request and the way his features became more pinched. “Please do it. I think it would mean a lot to them, and it makes me sad to think of you being alone on your birthday.” She made an attempt at a pouting face, trying to play off how ridiculous she felt trying to order around a grown man. “Damn hormones. You know if I get even a little bit sad, I won’t stop crying.”

 

He tilted his head, giving her a look, but the pinched expression had eased a bit. “That’s blackmail, Swan.”

 

She shrugged, unapologetic, and he sighed. “Okay. I’ll see if they’re not busy.”

 

Bella brightened, feeling better about that at least. It had concerned her that without her intervention, he wouldn’t see his family again until she got back.

 

Edward took another step forward and raised his arms. Bella was surprised by how naturally she went to him, hugging him tightly.

 

Somewhere along the way, they’d become friends.

 

“Please call me when you get there,” he said, not letting her go right away.

 

“I will.” She gave him one final squeeze and stepped back.

 

For a second, just one second, it seemed like something lingered between them. Something confusing in a different way than everything else in this clusterfuck of a situation. Right then, she was affected by his nearness in a way she hadn’t been since the night they met, the night this all started. She swayed on her feet, wondering why she wanted him to tell her not to go.

 

How dumb. It wasn’t as though she had anywhere else to be.

 

Bella cleared her throat. “I’ll talk to you soon.”

 

He reached out, as though on impulse, and squeezed her hand. It was a brief touch, and he smiled as he let her go again. “Be safe, Bella.”

 

Then she went toward Sky Harbor’s doors, tugging her suitcase behind her, and he got back in his car, looking a lot like she felt--something she was missing, something had gone unsaid.

  
Strange, she thought again as she turned to the ticketing kiosk, and dismissed it, setting about the business of getting through the airport to her flight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Barburella/N - Hi, y’all. Merry Christmas. Carry on. 
> 
> Kris’s Note: Lol, I love these girls, for really reals!
> 
> Merry Holidays to you and yours, my dears. Thank you for your support and your beautiful words. Be safe.


	11. Chapter 10 - Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: To my Angel is a Centerfold readers, thank you for your continued patience. It’s very important to me to get the next part of the story right. Since that particular story took me in a few directions I wasn’t expecting, I’m trying to plot ahead accordingly--which takes more time than I want. GAH.

**~Early July, 11 Years Ago~**

 

That first week, Edward and Kate hardly left their bedroom.

 

Xavier, getting over the ill effects of this first attack, slept a lot. Mostly, his heartbroken parents brought him to their bed and watched him. Edward pressed his chest to Kate’s back, resting his head on her shoulder, tracing his finger down the underside of his baby’s foot.

 

Kate, crying off and on, sniffled and broke the long silence. “I’ve been thinking I don’t want him to miss anything.”

 

Edward stiffened.

 

Since Xavier’s diagnosis, Edward had been equal parts bereft and angry. It was his bitterness that soaked into his tone now. “Kate, he’s going to miss everything.”

 

She rolled over onto her back so he was leaning over her. “I mean I don’t want him to miss things we can still give him.” She reached up, trailing her finger along his jawline. Her words shook as she spoke. “He might not make it to Christmas. Why do we have to wait for December? Let’s give him Christmas now. We can give him that much. ”

 

“Christmas in July.” His voice sounded dead to his own ears. Christmas in July could never be Christmas. Wrong atmosphere. Wrong everything. And it was nothing Xavier could appreciate. Like any parent, Edward was sure he had a brilliant baby, but Xavier would be as happy with presents and Christmas carols as he was with every other thing in his everyday life.

 

Edward closed his eyes against the ache of that thought. Xavier was one hundred and forty-two days old. How many days did he have left? His eyes stung, and he squeezed them tighter shut. He didn’t want to cry. Not yet. If he started, he wasn’t ever going stop.

 

“Okay,” he said, though not for Xavier’s benefit. No, he understood what this was. No one could do anything to save his baby. They could manage his pain and keep him comfortable, but there was nothing else. Kate, his parents, his siblings... they needed to feel like they were doing something. “We’ll give him Christmas.”

**~0~**

Christmas came in July to Carlisle and Esme’s house.

 

They hired another Santa and took pictures of Xavier cradled in his arms. They chopped down a tree and decorated the house. Since peppermint bark wouldn’t be in stores for months, Esme made her own.

 

All their family traditions were upheld. They had an obnoxiously big meal on “Christmas Eve” with the whole family. Edward supposed the fact his son was dying trumped any other drama. All of Emmett’s baby mommas agreed to let the kids come. Angela even joined them. She’d made an effort to be close to the family despite the drama between she and Emmett. Rosalie, Emmett’s current girlfriend, was there. Jasper, Alice’s fiance, rounded out the party.

 

They ate, or at least Edward pretended to. He really just soaked up as much of his boy as he could. He smiled when Xavier got more sweet potato in his golden hair than in his mouth. He tried not to let the words ‘Baby’s First Christmas’ sink in when he knew this half-assed Christmas was likely going to be the only one his baby ever got.

 

The Cullens always opened presents as close to midnight on Christmas Eve as the kids--whichever ones were present at the time--would allow. Then they exchanged gifts from youngest to oldest.

 

This was the image he’d wished for over a decade ago, Edward realized. He held his son in his lap while Xavier cooed and giggled as his cousins helped him rip up wrapping paper.

 

Not like this.

 

Edward forced the thought away. He tried not to notice there was no fire in the hearth and no one was in a ridiculous Christmas sweater. He tried not to notice how there weren’t Christmas cards from all their far away relatives on the mantle. He tried not to think about what this year’s real Christmas would look like, and if his baby boy would be cold in the ground by then. He tried not to think about how most of what Xavier got weren’t items he would grow into in the coming year as happened with most baby presents. They were all things he could use now.  Edward tried to concentrate instead on his son’s happy gurgles as he tried to stuff the wrapping paper into his mouth.

 

After gifts, everyone slept over, and Emmett woke everyone up early the next morning to see what Santa had brought.

 

The kids all got into it, even sullen teenager Aiden. Edward wanted to enjoy it. He wanted to appreciate this one chance he had to share his love of Christmas with his son.

 

But it wasn’t Christmas, and there would be no miracle.

 

That night, back in his own home, he stood over his son’s crib, watching him sleep, counting his precious breaths.

 

This was a nightmare. It had to be. There was no way this was really happening. The last two days had been nonsense because Xavier was going to have a real Christmas. He was going to have a lot of real Christmases.

 

Edward pinched the fleshy palm of his hand. “Please wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.” He pinched hard enough to draw blood.

 

When he opened his eyes, nothing had changed.

**~Early July, Present Day~**

Edward didn’t like his birthday. He didn’t like any celebration that his son should have been a part of, but his birthday marked the anniversary of the beginning of the end. It was the last blissfully ignorant celebration his little family was ever to have.

 

When Bella called him to let him know she was home safe, she made him promise again to let his family be with him for his birthday. As a result of his procrastinating, only his parents and Alice’s family were able to make it.

 

But since then, his family seemed to take it as an invitation to drop by at random or invite him over for lunch, dinner, or breakfast. It had been a couple of weeks, and Edward didn’t have the energy to fight it off. He was too worried.

 

His siblings, including Jasper, were currently lounging in his living room. Edward was physically there, but he was replaying the last conversation he’d had with Bella over and over in his head.

 

Emmett snapped his fingers in front of Edward’s face. “You have horrible hosting skills, little brother.”

 

“You have water.”

 

“I wanted beer.”

 

“I have whiskey.”

 

“Okay.” Alice sat on the couch between them. “I have a baby to get home to. We’re not getting drunk.”

 

“My youngest kid is twelve, and she’s with her mother this week,” Emmett said. “You do what you want, little sister. Let us big boys get our drink on.”

 

Alice rolled her eyes and looked to Edward. “Something is wrong.”

 

Edward quirked an eyebrow. “You need a list?”

 

“God, I’d forgotten how annoying you two could be when you gang up like this. Did Bella tell her father?”

 

“No. That’s not it.” He rubbed his chin. “In fact, she saw her regular doctor a couple of days ago for her check up. She figured her mother won’t get the itemized statement for another month anyway.”

 

“That’s good,” Jasper said. “It’s like she’s giving herself a deadline to tell her mother.”

 

“So what’s the problem?” Alice asked.

 

“I don’t really know,” Edward said after a moment’s pause. “She’s getting more distant. We talked a lot the first few days.”

 

Emmett’s eyes went wide. “You talked on the phone with someone for more than two minutes?”

 

“Who uses phones anymore? No. Mostly we talk on the computer.”

 

“How the hell can you tell someone’s distant over the computer?”

 

Edward frowned. It was a valid question, and one he’d been asking himself the worse this niggling concern got. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “Something feels different. Something feels wrong, but she only tells me that she’s fine. Bored but fine.”

 

“I understand your concern. I looked up that town, and she might actually die of boredom,” Alice said.

 

“I know. I’m probably overreacting.”

 

“You’d know her best at this point,” Jasper said. Then he smirked. “Trust your instincts, Luke.”

 

Edward might have smiled, but if he trusted his instincts, he wouldn’t be able to shake the idea Bella was in trouble. “I feel very protective of her,” he said, processing out loud.

 

“Who wouldn’t be? It’s hard not to be protective of the mother of your child,” Emmett said. “Jessica was the biggest drama queen about being pregnant. I knew that, but every time she swore up and down something was really wrong, I almost went out of my mind until the doctor told us it was nothing.”

 

Edward hummed an acknowledgment. Bella wasn’t the drama queen type. If anything, he strongly suspected she downplayed every ailment. It was one of his million worries--that if something was wrong, Bella wouldn’t tell anyone.

 

After another hour or so, his siblings were finally ready to give him some peace and quiet. He grabbed Emmett’s arm, stopping him from leaving.

 

“Is Rosalie avoiding me?”

 

Emmett raised an eyebrow. “You noticed that.”

 

“I’ve noticed she’s never at Mom and Dad’s when I am. And she never comes here.”

 

“I’m not arguing. I’m just surprised you actually know which of us is here.”

 

Edward had to work to hard to keep the wounded look off his face. He knew damn well he deserved that. “Will you tell me what her problem is?”

 

Emmett’s huff was wry. “Yeah, Edward, pick a reason. She really never forgave you for hurting my kids. Mom and Dad. Me and Alice. She can forgive all that. But you hurt the kids when you started ignoring us, and that she can’t forgive. Or maybe she could get past that. After all, she loves being an aunt to Damien almost as much as she likes being a stepmom. She’s going to love your kid. She already loves your kid, and that’s why she’s not here.”

 

Edward searched his brother’s eyes, taken aback by the tirade.

 

“I’m sorry,” Emmett said, looking honestly contrite. “I’m not trying to be a dick. It’s just been hard for Rosie.”

 

At that, Edward glared. “It’s been hard for Rosalie?”

 

“I know. This is your thing. Never mind that you haven’t paid attention to any of our problems for a decade. It’s your time again. You’re over here, angsting out about how you can’t do this; you don’t know if you can deal with being a father to someone who isn’t Xavier. I get that. Believe it or not, I’m trying to ahhh, what’s the word Jasper uses? I’m trying to empathize. The thing is, she’s my wife, and this whole situation is hard on her. You’ve been acting like this baby is the worst thing to happen to you , second only to Xavier dying, and Rosie can’t have children of her own. We can never have an accident--how fucking ironic is that? After all the dumb shit things I’ve done, four kids, and I can’t have kids with the woman I actually love.

 

“So that’s why she’s staying away from you, because she’s afraid she’s going to tell you to give us the baby, because we’d love it every minute, no doubt. She’s afraid she’s going to tell you you’re an idiot and an asshole because this baby is a gift.”

 

Edward sat down hard on his stairs, and Emmett sighed. “Fuck. I’m sorry, Edward.”

 

“Can you leave now?”

 

Edward didn’t look up until he heard the soft click of the door closing. He stared forward for a long time, his jaw clenched as he tried to sort out his thoughts.

 

Before he got very far, his phone rang. “Hello?” he said, putting it to his ear without looking at the screen.

 

“Hey.” The word was shaky, and Edward sat up straighter.

 

“Bella?”

 

“Yeah, hi. I’m sorry I’m calling. I hope that’s okay.”

 

He could picture her doing that thing where her eyebrows pinched together and she pushed her hand into her hair. “It’s fine. You can call me whenever you want. Now what’s going on?”

 

She blew out a long breath. “It’s Forks. Nothing goes on here.”

 

If she thought he couldn’t hear the forced lightness in her voice, she was greatly mistaken. “You sound…” He searched for the right word. “You don’t sound good.”

 

“I’m--”

 

“Don’t say you’re fine.” When she didn’t answer, he went on. “I can start guessing. Is it your dad?”

 

“No. Dad’s just Dad. He goes to work early. He fishes on the weekends. He really likes my cooking.” She sighed. “I’m being stupid. I ran into Mike’s parents last week.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“It had to be the week they were here checking on the store.”

 

Edward hated the bitterness in her words. “What did they say?”

 

“Nothing. Really, they didn’t say anything I haven't heard. Karen tried to apologize for him again. It's always the same. ‘It was stupid of him to be arguing at the top of the stairs, but I know he didn't mean to hurt you, Bella. Every time we visit him in that horrible place, he says it. It was an accident.’"

 

"That's a bunch of bullshit," Edward said through clenched teeth.

 

"I said the same thing.” She took a shuddering breath, obviously trying to calm herself. “Karen, she tries to be nice, but his dad hates me. Last week, he just glared like he always does, but today…”

 

“It’s okay,” Edward said, keeping his tone soothing though he was seething under the surface. “What did he do?”

 

“God, this is so stupid. I’m so stupid.”

 

“Bella, you’re not--”

 

“No. I am. It’s stupid because I’m scared of a man who can’t touch me.” She huffed. “At least not for another five months.”

 

“He’s never going to touch you again.” Edward had to stop himself from making the melodramatic promise he’d kill the man if he ever got near Bella again. True though the statement was, he knew better than to think Bella would react well to his protective streak.

 

“I know. It’s just...ugh.” She sniffled, and he could imagine she was struggling against the tears she found so frustrating. “This morning I was in the store with Jake. He’s a friend of mine. Maybe my best friend, though I don’t deserve him.

 

“See, Jake is kind of an idiot. I mean that affectionately. He's two years younger than I am and cocky. He never made it a secret he had a crush on me. That’s what I mean by him being an idiot. I know there’s a better word for it, but I can’t think of it right now. He didn’t mean anything by the way he was. I mean, he wasn’t trying to piss Mike off back then. We were just friends, and he knew I didn’t feel the same way about him.”  
  


“Bella,” Edward said, interrupting her tirade. He’d noticed she did this sometimes--went into nervous explanations of things that might be easily misconstrued. He could easily imagine why. “Tell me what happened.”

 

“Yeah. Okay.” She sniffled again. “Jake testified against Mike, because he witnessed a number of, uh...altercations. Mike hated that I spent any time with him. If he saw us together, he’d, um… He’d grab me and try to drag me away. Jake always made him take his hands off me. Fucking coward. Jake is huge. He didn’t look like a fifteen, sixteen-year-old kid. Mike would laugh it off while we were in front of him, but the second we got home…”

 

Her words cut off in a choke, and her quiet whimper broke his heart. Edward had never felt distance so acutely. The very least he’d been able to offer her was the comfort of his presence, the knowledge she wasn’t alone, but right now, she very much was. He wanted nothing in the world at that moment more than he wanted to hold her.

 

“Anyway,” she said before he could speak. Her tone was raw. “I was with Jake in the store. I don’t go to the store alone.”

 

Of course she didn’t. Forks’s only grocery store was attached to Mike’s family’s store, Edward recalled.

 

“Mike’s dad was there. He saw me with Jake, and he was angry. He said I was a dumbfuck kid who never had any respect for my relationship, and I stole three years of Mike’s life because of an accident.

 

“After that, I couldn’t shake the...memories, I guess. It felt like when I used to have to sneak around to see Jake. Like I expected Mike to show up at any minute. I was so nervous, I had to ask Jake to leave. It was so stupid. I’m a horrible friend.”

 

“It’s not stupid. I’m sure he understands.”

 

“He does,” she said, though she still sounded disgruntled.

 

Edward tapped his knee in a restless rhythm. “Does he know? About me, I mean. About the baby.”

 

There was a long pause on the other end. “No. He knows something’s up, but he doesn’t know what. You know, it’s just that Jake is probably the only person who never looked down on me throughout that whole thing. Maybe it’s because he’s younger than me, but he never looked at me like I was an immature little twit for going near Mike in the first place, for letting any of that happen to me.

 

“I can’t seem to find the words to make what happened with you and me make sense. It sounds so bad when I say it out loud. I already know what my dad is going to think. It would just kill me if this is what finally makes Jake look at me like that, too.”

 

“If he’s worth his salt at all as a friend, he’s not going to make you feel like that.”

 

“I know. It’s like a band-aid right? I should just rip it off. It’s not like I can stop it. This is all happening, and I can’t stop it or slow it down until I’m ready.”

 

She sniffled again and growled in frustration. “God. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be calling you to whine. I just hate this town. I hate it.”

 

Then come home, he almost said but stopped himself just in time. She had nowhere else to go, she’d told him. There was a dorm waiting for her but not until the fall semester began. By the time she’d shaken off the fog of shock at finding herself pregnant, it had been too late for her to sign up for the summer courses that might have kept her in Arizona.

Edward had to fight the impulse to tell her to come stay with him. He didn’t want to scare her. He had no guest room, and she wasn’t the type to let him sleep on the couch for months on end.

 

Still, she had to know she had options. “Bella, if you want to come back, we can figure something out.”

 

“I’m fine,” she said by rote. “Today sucked, that’s all. Tomorrow will be better.”

 

They talked for a few minutes more before she said she had to go. She wanted to make dinner for Charlie.

 

“Edward?” she said before he hung up.

 

“Yes?”

 

“Just… thanks. It’s been really good to hear your voice.”

 

At that, a warmth sparked to life at the center of his chest. “Yeah,” he said, wishing again that she was in front of him, that he could see her pretty face. He hadn’t realized how used to seeing her and talking to her nearly every day he’d gotten until she was a thousand miles away. “You too. You know you can call me any time, right? It doesn’t matter what time it is.”

 

He threw in this last because it had worried him that she might be having nightmares. The memory of Mike’s touch had thrown her into nightmares twice while Edward was with her. What would it do to her in that town where her memories had to be all too real?

 

“I know,” she said. “I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

 

Edward remained sitting on his stairs long after they’d disconnected the call, warring with himself. He thought about what Jasper had said about trusting his instincts and thought of how very alone Bella had sounded.

 

What had it taken a person like Bella, who wanted nothing more than the strength to stand on her own two feet, to call him for comfort?

 

“Fuck this,” Edward muttered, standing. He headed toward the living room and his laptop.

 

His instincts said she needed him regardless of what she said. Though part of him knew it could make things worse--would she consider this forcing her hand?--he also knew he had to be there.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many, many, many thanks to my dears. My barburella, songster, jessypt, myonlyheroin, and Packy 2.0. 
> 
> Happy New Year (belated in some cases) to everyone out there. Thank you so much for making my 2014 so bright with all your love and support. Be safe.


	12. Chapter 11 - Surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: If you’re seeing this a/n, I convinced someone to post this for me so I could go to Disneyland with this done. Whomever you are, you are an amazing person and I probably don’t deserve you!!!!! (But I am writing about Carlisle’s penis for you, so ya know…)

“I’m, um. I’m sorry, Dad.” Bella sat down across from her father, setting a bowl in front of him. “All we have is oatmeal. Again.”

 

Her father picked up his spoon, stirring in the brown sugar she’d set out. “That’s fine. I appreciate it.” He seemed content enough as he stirred the sugar and milk into the oatmeal. “I thought you went to the store yesterday.”

 

Bella put her own spoon down, any appetite she might have had gone. “I went.” She wiped her hands on her knees, trying to still the fitful wringing. “Mr. Newton.” She had to swallow, telling herself it was ridiculous that her throat closed off at the mention of his name. “Mr. Newton was there. He, um. He said some things, and I left.”

 

Charlie put down his spoon to look at her. “What kind of things?”

 

“Don’t worry about it, Dad,” she said to her bowl of oatmeal. “He just doesn’t like me. He’s never liked me.”

 

“Well, he doesn’t want to hear what I think about his son of a bitch kid,” Charlie muttered. He shook his head and tucked into his oatmeal. “It’s all pissing in the wind, Bells. Don’t take it personally. His kid may be a bastard, but it’s still his kid, and it wasn’t a great situation. I think we can safely say that now, right?”

 

Bella’s stomach twisted sickeningly. “Yeah.”

 

They lapsed into silence for a few minutes, Charlie eating and Bella pushing her oatmeal around her bowl, fighting nausea. Her father cleared his throat as though he was aware of the heaviness of the atmosphere but was, as always, unsure of how to handle it. “Well, if you’re worried about running into him, maybe you can take a drive to Port Angeles. You hardly leave the house. A drive might do you some good. You could take the cooler if you needed something for the freezer.”

 

Bella balled her hands into fists on her lap, trying to get them to stop shaking. “Yeah,” she said, her voice thin. “Maybe I’ll do that.” She pushed herself to her feet, the sound of the chair scraping across the floor loud in the quiet house. “I’m going to take a shower. Have a good day at work, Dad.”

 

As she hurried blindly toward the stairs, Bella’s lungs began to squeeze tight, her airways constricted. Near the top of the stairs she had to stop and grip the banister to keep from falling, her legs trembling too hard to hold her upright. It was all the worst then, because as she clung to the banister, a wave of dizziness overwhelmed her, and she flinched as memories of falling threatened to drive rational thought from her head.

 

She fought it, pulling herself up the last few stairs and stumbling to the bathroom. Her hands shook so badly it took her ages to turn the water on and longer still before she could lift her leg over the lip of the tub. Finally, though, she sat at the bottom of the tub, hot water coursing over her, breathing in raggedly with her head resting on her knees.

 

“Stop it,” she growled through gritted teeth, clenching her hands into fists and digging her fingernails into her palms. “Just stop it.”

 

Bella hardly remembered the days and weeks after Mike was arrested. Those days existed in a fog of confusion and fear. Nothing about the world made sense then, and time passed in lurches or dragging lulls. Everything, every thought, even her reflection in the mirror was warped and wrong.

 

When she’d returned home a few weeks before, Charlie’s eyes had shone with pride for the first time since she’d been a very little girl. “One semester down,” he’d said. “See? Your life is finally back on track.”

 

She’d slunk down on the passenger seat beside him, thinking about the baby and how disappointed he would be when he knew.

 

Since then, she’d felt the dark abyss she’d clawed and dragged herself away from two years before lurking at the corners of her vision. She was jumping at shadows again, haunted by fear and the specter of every mistake she’d made in this town, in this house.

 

“Stop it,” she chanted to herself, rocking back and forth.

 

It was pathetic how little it had taken to reduce her to this. She must have looked like a crazy person, rocking back and forth under the water still fully clothed. And why? Because some asshole in a store full of people had been mean to her?

 

And she was going to be someone’s mother.

 

Calm spread over her, but it wasn’t a welcome peace. No, it was that empty, desolate ache that smothered her fear and let her breathe again, but took joy and hope as its price.

 

Bella pulled herself to her feet and went about removing her sodden clothes robotically. Nude, she ran her hands over her skin and cupped her palms over the swell at her belly. At sixteen weeks, the bump was perceptible though thankfully not with her clothes on. She pressed down, feeling the hard knot and not really thinking about anything. She stood still and breathed until the water went cold.

 

Hours later, clothed and swaddled in a blanket, she was still ice cold. She was curled up on the couch, and though the TV was on, she wasn’t watching it. She thought about asking Charlie if he wanted to go out for lunch. She thought about doing what he said and heading for Port Angeles to shop. But minutes turned into hours. She missed lunch, and the idea of going to Port Angeles alone made her shudder. She thought about calling Jake, but she didn’t do that either.

 

At two in the afternoon there was a knock on the door. Bella started, her heart pounding erratically as her mind snapped back to the present. It took only an instant for her mind to conjure up a worst possible scenario. What if it was Mr. Newton?

 

What if it was Mike?

 

Curling her arm protectively around her belly, Bella crept to the window beside the door. Carefully, she looked out. She stared at the closed door in disbelief. He knocked again, and Bella opened the door so she could stare at him directly.

 

“Edward?” The word came out choked.

 

His smile was tentative. “Hi.”

 

They stared at each other for another few awkward seconds before Bella realized with a start that she was being rude. “Uh, come in.” She stepped back to let him in, still staring. She wasn’t asleep--that much she knew. Had she hit her head?

 

As he turned to her, his eyes drew together in concern. His hand came up, and she flinched backward. “Sorry,” he said. “You look…”

 

Bella flushed and turned away from him, running her fingers through her hair. "Like crap. I know.”

 

“No,” he said. He touched her arm, a brief, quick touch, and she didn’t start. “You’re lovely. Tired but lovely.”

 

A small smile tugged at her lips. He was full of shit, and they both knew it. Still, there was that note of sincerity in his tone that made her feel better anyway. She wrapped her arms around herself, looking up at him. “What are you doing here?”

 

He seemed nervous. “You sounded really down when I talked to you yesterday. I don’t know. I felt like I had to be here. I would have asked, but you would have told me you were fine.”

 

“I’m…” Bella’s words died on her lips, and she covered her mouth with her hand, a wave of emotion hitting her hard. She closed her eyes, breathing through her nose until she was sure she wasn’t going to cry. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

 

He took a step toward her, and that was all she needed. She flew at him, wrapping her arms around his waist and ducking her head against his chest. “You’re fucking crazy, but I’m glad you’re here,” she whispered, hating the way her voice shook.

 

She was more glad than she knew how to express. For the first time in weeks, she felt as though she were on solid ground. It was disorienting, like stepping off a ship onto dry land and still feeling the back and forth motion of the ocean but steadier. His arms were warm and strong around her, and she found she liked the way his presence engulfed her.

 

“Oh good,” he said, resting his chin on the top of her head. “I was afraid you’d be mad at me.”

 

“Maybe later.” Bella gave him one last squeeze and stepped back.

 

As she did, she swayed, and Edward lurched forward to catch her again. He brought her up against his hard body, and Bella blinked as her head spun. “Whoa,” she said.

 

He looked at her with concern, cupping his hand against her suddenly clammy cheek. “When was the last time you ate?”

 

Bella thought about it and couldn’t remember right off. Had she even managed a bite of oatmeal that morning?

 

“That’s what I thought. Come sit down. I’ll make you something to eat.”

 

She let him lead her to the couch and sank down gratefully, still dizzy. “There’s, um. There’s really nothing to eat. I never got groceries. I’ve been putting it off for a week because…” She swallowed around a thick lump in her throat.

 

“Okay. Well, how about this. I passed a couple of diners. I’ll go get you something from there. Then, if you make me a list, I’ll get the groceries.”

 

An irrational wave of terror went through Bella at the thought of Edward being in the same vicinity as Mr. Newton. It was stupid. Mr. Newton had no idea who Edward was, and Edward could and would stand up for himself. Still, she felt protective of him. “You don’t have to do that,” she said.

 

He brushed a limp stand of hair away from her eyes. “I’ll be right back.”

 

In the twenty minutes he was gone, Bella made herself a little more presentable. She was too tired to be embarrassed at the state he’d found her in, but she felt better when she’d changed out of sweats into jeans and brushed her hair. The act of getting herself together had the effect of clearing her head, and that brought with it a whole new slew of worries.

 

She was distracted by the smell of the soup and sandwiches Edward brought home. Her stomach gave a loud rumble and every thought that didn’t involve getting to the food left her. She sat and ate eagerly, dipping her sandwich in the soup and humming appreciatively.

 

“Sorry,” she said, catching Edward watching her. She wiped at the corner of her mouth. “I’ve been taking care of myself. I promise. It’s just been a rough couple of days.”

 

He took a bite of his sandwich, chewed, and swallowed. “When things get rough, that’s when we need someone to take care of us, I think.” He touched his hand briefly to hers. “That’s what I’m here for.”

 

Warmth spread through her chest to her cheeks. It was nice to think about someone caring for her. It was nice, but it was also frightening to her. She let Mike take care of her once.

 

Bella shook that thought away before it could spoil her appetite. She knew the difference between what Mike thought he was doing and Edward being there for her. Besides, he had a right to be concerned for her health. Bella hadn’t fed herself, which meant she hadn’t fed the baby either.

 

She took a shaky breath, looking down at her soup as she stirred it around and around. “So you’re going to make me get it over with, huh? Tell my dad.”

 

“What?” His eyes were wide as he reached out again to touch her hand. “I’m not here to force you into anything.”

 

“Well, what do you think is going to happen?” The food in Bella’s stomach was hardening into stone. “I don’t know if you noticed, but you’re not incorporeal.”

 

His lips quirked. “But that doesn’t mean he has to know I’m here, if that’s not what you want. I’ll leave before he comes home, and I can come back when he leaves for work tomorrow.”

 

Bella wrinkled her nose, new questions occurring to her. “Don’t you have to work? How long are you here? You really are crazy, you know that?”

 

“I have no pressing deadlines right now, and I haven’t taken more than a few days off here and there in the last decade. Let me worry about work.” He shifted in his seat, looking back at her with an open expression. “As for how long I’m here, that’s up to you. Though if you don’t want to tell your father yet, I still want to be with you when you do tell him.”

 

Feeling better, Bella’s appetite returned full force, and she finished all of her lunch and the last half of Edward’s sandwich. She really was hungry, and she knew he did like to take care of her. It was easier to let him when he had already flown halfway across the country for her. No sense in not indulging him when he was already here.

 

“Hey,” she said half an hour later when they’d moved to the living room. “You want to feel something?”

 

“What’s that.”

 

Bella wasn’t sure what made her do it. All things considered, it should have been an awkward thing to do, but then again, everything about their relationship should have been awkward. They were barely friends, and yet there was this connection between them.

 

And again, that was what drew Bella to Edward. As uncertain as she was about being a mother, about the whole having-a-baby clusterfuck, she wanted permission to be at least a little awed. Especially here in Forks, there was no one she could talk to.

 

Maybe that was why she scooted over, pressing herself against his side. She took his hand and put it to the taut ball of skin under her shirt.

 

Too late she realized it might have been a mistake. She was far from oblivious to the fact that Edward was struggling. She only understood that struggle to a point. She knew what it was to fight something no one could see, for it to weigh you down and warp reality. But she had no idea what it was like to lose a child he had conceived and planned with a woman he loved. She wondered often just how badly it hurt him to watch her go through this pregnancy when he remembered going through it with Kate and his son.

 

Bella felt Edward’s body go stiff, heard his breath catch. She let go of his hand, but before she could find the words to apologize, he relaxed. His breath came out in a slow gust, and he moved his hand of his own volition to feel the roundness of her belly.

 

His fingers were gentle, and the tender touch sent delicious tingles up her spine. Bella felt her cheeks flush hot. “I don’t know,” she said, suddenly feeling somewhat foolish and out of depth in this intimate position. “I just thought it was kind of...uh. Neat? I guess.”

 

Edward’s breath shook, and he didn’t answer. He ran his fingers over her skin wonderingly, cupped the bump in one large hand. She turned her head, chancing a look at him, and found his eyes were unfocused. He was staring forward with a look that was part heartbreak and part something she couldn’t fathom.

 

“I...I’m sorry. I didn’t think--”

 

“No,” he said quickly. He rested his free hand around her shoulder and pulled her closer against him. His hand hadn’t left her stomach. In fact, he’d begun to stroke his fingers on either side of her bellybutton. “No. I just… I know it’s real. It’s been real. But…”

 

Bella put her hand next to his, feeling with him. “I know. I felt it before too, but not like this. I think I tried not to think about it until maybe a few days ago.” She sighed. “Now I can’t stop touching it. Kind of weird, huh?”

 

“Weird,” he repeated. With the hand that rested on her shoulder, he reached up, brushing his fingertips down her cheek. “You’re beautiful, do you know that?”

 

Bella tilted her head up, and though she’d been the one to sit so close to him, she was still somehow shocked to find his face so near hers. The heartbreak in his eyes had eased, and he looked at her with something that seemed like awe, as though he was seeing her for the first time. Her heart skipped a beat, and every inch of her skin seemed to glow warmer.

 

“I’m sorry I’m so bad at this,” Edward murmured, his thumb stroking the line of her jaw. “You deserve to be told every day how beautiful you are. And it’s true, Bella. This…” He cupped her belly again. “This only makes you more beautiful.”

 

The voice in the back of her head telling her all the reasons why she shouldn’t be so close to him, shouldn’t be tucked under his arms, shouldn’t be wishing he would come closer, were no louder than the buzz of insects zipping around nearby--annoying when they flew by her ear, but otherwise easy to ignore.

 

“Bella.” He said her name on a whisper. His eyes seemed to trace the features of her face, lingering on her lips. “I’m so messed up about all this. I’m sorry. You deserve so much better than me.”

 

His words were incongruous to his tone. He spoke with his voice pitched low, like a lover whispering sweet nothings instead of tortured confessions, and it was hard to remember he wasn’t. She had no idea what to say to his words, no idea what to think at all. In fact, she didn’t want to think. With his face so near hers, she wanted nothing more than to kiss him. It wouldn't take anything at all. There were only a few scant inches between his lips and hers.

 

The front door opened then, and her father’s voice calling her name was one of the only things on the planet that could have popped the warm bubble around them. “Hey, Bells. I’m--”

 

Charlie cut off as Edward and Bella both flung themselves to opposite ends of the couch.

 

“Dad,” Bella said in a choked tone at the same time Edward said, “Sir.”

 

Charlie looked from Bella to Edward then back to his daughter. “What the hell is going on here?” he demanded, crossing his arms.

 

Bella opened her mouth but not a single word came out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to my lovelies, my songster, jessypt, myonlyheroin, and barburella.
> 
> So! :D This should go well, right?


	13. Chapter 12 - Spark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: My editor just returned the first draft of my new novel, Finding Purgatory, to me. Soooo fair warning, updates might be few and far between for the next week or so. I’m definitely going to update Long Distance and Angel is a Centerfold next.
> 
> I’m really excited to show you guys this one!
> 
> And to my dear anon who keeps asking about New Girl...that is not my fault. You might notice that New Girl is a collab. It’s not my turn. I have very little control over that. :)

Since he didn’t know the man, Edward could only think in broad generalizations about his first meeting with Charlie Swan. They were peers--Charlie was less than two years older than Edward. It wasn’t a stretch to figure out the man wouldn’t be pleased to find his daughter pregnant by a man he could have gone to school with. Edward hadn’t been looking forward to being that guy--exactly what any parent didn’t want for their kid.

 

This, of course, was a worst case scenario. When Bella put his hand to her firm belly, she’d accidentally shoved him into a maelstrom, which wasn’t exactly uncommon for him these days. It was different though, charged by her nearness. He’d felt a connection to her since the very first time he laid eyes on her. With all the drama, his struggles and hers to deal with this pregnancy, it was easy to forget what had brought them together in the first place. With his arm around her, their hands pressed to the life that had sparked out of that connection, Edward had wanted nothing in that moment as much as he wanted to kiss her.

 

Charlie coming in had thrown him from one tumultuous head space into another and had left him disoriented. As a result, there was much stumbling over awkward introductions, Charlie’s increasingly more aggravated questions, and then Bella blurted out her confession.

 

“I’m pregnant.”

 

The words turned the atmosphere, already tense, heavy to the point of pain. By then, Bella had tucked herself into the very corner of the couch, her legs up on the cushions, her arms wrapped around her knees. She watched her father through anxious eyes, and Edward wished he could go to her, hug her. He would have, but he didn’t want to make this moment worse for her.

 

Seeing her like that had the effect of centering Edward’s attention. His own nervousness was forgotten, brushed aside as unimportant. This wasn’t about him; it was about Bella. This situation wasn’t going to be comfortable for Edward, but it was potentially devastating for her. He scooted over deliberately, so it didn’t seem like he was trying to get away from her.

 

The room was so quiet Edward heard when Bella swallowed. “Look, I know I fucked up, but--”

 

“No, stop. I don’t think I want to hear your excuses.” Charlie ran a hand over his face, looking anywhere but at her. “I just don’t understand you. It took you two years to get back on your feet. This is… This is permanent.  What the hell was the point of all that therapy? When you were with that prick, I thought you were hellbent on destroying your life. I thought you were over that.”

 

Edward was stunned at the venomous words coming out of the other man’s mouth. He remembered Bella telling him not to worry, that her father would blame her, but hearing it was a very different thing.

 

“This isn’t the same thing,” Bella said, her voice small and shaky.

 

“No, I guess it isn’t. After all, when you finally got it through your head Mike was bad news, I could throw him in jail where he belongs. That was the silver lining back then. At least you weren’t stupid enough to let him knock you up or was it just dumb luck?”

 

With every word, Bella seemed to shrink. She pulled her arms tighter around herself and stared down at her knees. Her mouth was set in a hard, thin line, and she’d lost any semblance of color. Edward couldn’t stay silent any longer. "I'm sorry, but I don't think this is helping anyone."

 

For the first time, Charlie Swan turned his glare on Edward. It was disconcerting to see Bella's bright brown eyes glinting with fury. "You know what I think?  I think you should keep your mouth shut. I don't want to talk to you right now. I figure I know your type well enough. What are you, thirty? At least? I get it. College kids make easy targets. Girls like Bella find trouble enough on their own. They don't need any help."

 

“Dad, Edward isn’t like that,” Bella said, her voice slightly stronger now in Edward’s defense.

 

Charlie turned his head back to his daughter. “No? Like you insisted Mike wasn’t like that? Mike was a great guy, and ‘you just don’t understand, Dad’ until he nearly killed you.”

 

Bella flinched and winced as her father spoke, her hands clutching convulsively into fists, as she looked anywhere but up.

 

“Okay.” Edward scooted all the way over so he could put his hand to Bella’s back. It had the effect of getting her to look at him if nothing else. “Bella, I think your dad needs a few minutes to process. Do you want to come with me to get a hotel?”

 

That sent Charlie into action. He got to his feet and pointed at Edward. “You think you’re going anywhere with my daughter, you have another thing coming.”

 

Edward got up too and, as though she expected violence was imminent, Bella jumped to her feet beside him, putting a restraining hand to his arm. It broke his heart that in tense, angry moments like this, the first thing she thought was that someone was going to get hit. He took her hand instead though he didn’t drop Charlie’s gaze. “What I think is that you don’t know your daughter any more than you know me. This is what I know about her. She’s the strongest person I’ve ever met. After everything she’s been through, she still sees the beauty in people. Maybe that hasn’t done her any favors, but it’s more than I can say for either of us.” He gave her hand a squeeze and let it go so she wouldn’t feel coerced. “And I also think she’s the only one who gets to say where she’s going and with whom.”

 

He turned away from Charlie to look at Bella then and raised an eyebrow. “Do you want to go with me?” he asked, keeping his tone light and even. What he wanted to do was get her the hell out of there. He didn’t give a good god damn about Charlie Swan’s intentions; the man was hurting his daughter so badly, he may as well have been using his fists.

 

Bella looked between her father and Edward, but she took Edward’s hand again. “I’ll go with you,” she said. Her voice was quiet but strong.

 

“Bella--” Charlie started, but he stopped when his daughter put her hand out.

 

“I’ll be back,” she said. “When you’re ready to hear me, I’ll be back.”

 

She let Edward pull her out of the house then, and she got in his rental instead of her beat-up old truck. Once settled in the car, she mirrored the pose she’d assumed on the couch just minutes before, pulling her feet up on the seat and hugging her knees close.

 

Edward wanted to say something, but he didn’t have the right words. He was furious, and he didn’t think his recriminations against her father would help. He knew Bella well enough to understand there was a large part of her who believed the warped version of reality Charlie subscribed to.

 

Like everything in the tiny town, the motels of Forks were easy to find. There was really only one main road. Edward stopped at the first one he hit, Pacific Inn Motel.

 

“Not here,” Bella said. The urgency in her voice alarmed him.

 

“Okay. Do you have any suggestions?”

 

She appeared to consider this. “Forks Motel. It’s just up the street.” She pointed, and Edward turned left out of the parking lot.

 

It would have been as easy to walk to the Forks Motel as drive. Edward didn’t comment as he pulled up in front of this motel and parked. Before he could get out, Bella snatched his hand, keeping him still. “I’m sorry,” she said. “About the motel and my dad. The Pacific Inn…” She wasn’t looking at him as she spoke. “Mike took me there once when there was a bug problem at his place.”

 

“You don’t have to apologize for how you feel.” Edward brushed his fingertips against the side of her face and pushed her hair back over her ear. She looked up from under long eyelashes, clearly still fighting uncertainty. He could see the quiet misery in her eyes, like she would be crying if she was alone. “And you don’t have to apologize for your dad either.”

 

“I put him through a lot,” she said, excusing him anyway. “I guess I can’t blame him for thinking the worst.”

 

“I think when you’re growing up, everyone has this list of how they’re going to be better at parenting than their parents.” His heart gave a painful pang, and he breathed in as if through water. “When you have a child, you get this vision of what their life will be like, the things you’ll teach them, and the things that could never, ever happen--not to your kid. Things like what happened to you are things we all want to believe only happen to other people’s kids, people who don’t raise their kids right.”

 

“He wasn’t a bad father.”

 

“And you weren’t a bad kid. Not then. Not now.” He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “I don’t think your dad is an asshole. I think he made a mistake, saying what he said to you right now. I think he maybe has made a lot of mistakes saying the wrong thing. I think I understand where he’s coming from, but nothing he said or did was helpful.”

 

He took Bella’s hands, looking at her. “I don’t know how you feel about it, but maybe a little distance between you and your dad wouldn’t be a bad thing right now. Do you want to stay with me? We can get a two bed room, or I can get you your own room.”

 

“You wouldn’t mind?” she asked, searching him.

 

He gave her a small smile. “No. You’re good company.”

 

Her lips twitched. “You don’t get out much, do you?” She sounded tired, but there was a hint of life to her voice now. “If you really don’t mind, I’ll stay with you.”

 

“Good,” he said.

 

They got out of the car, and Edward’s fingers twitched with the inexplicable urge to take her hand again. “Can I give you a hug?” he asked instead. He’d wanted to hug her since her father walked in on them.

 

She stopped mid-step and cocked her head, looking at him. “I’m not afraid of you, you know. You don’t have to ask.”

 

He took her hand and pulled her to him, wrapping her tight in his arms, her head tucked under his chin. With his hands pressed against her back, he could feel her take a deep breath. “Edward?” she murmured, her lips so close to his neck he could feel the vibration against his skin.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“I’m glad you’re here.”

 

He huffed, releasing her from the hug but not letting her go from the circle of his arms. “Really? Because that whole sordid scene wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t here.”

 

“Yeah it would have. Maybe not today, but it would have. You were right about being here. It was nice to have back up.”

 

“I won’t say it was my pleasure, because I am sorry you have to deal with this, Bella. Babies...if the world were perfect, they should always be good news.” Edward felt a pang, remembering the joyous whoops of his parents and hers when Kate said those words--I’m pregnant. “But since the world is what it is, I’m glad I was here too.”

 

He stepped away from her then, and they walked to the front door. Just before they went in, Bella stopped short. “Oh, dammit.”

 

“What is it?”

 

She sighed, looking up at him with a tired and resigned expression. “Today isn’t my day.” She nodded surreptitiously in the direction of the front desk. “The girl behind the counter? We went to high school together, and she hated me.”

 

“Do you want to go somewhere else?”

 

Bella shook her head. “No point. She already saw us. Besides, everyone will know about us soon enough. It’s that kind of town.” She gave a bitter laugh. “Poor Chief Swan. His wife ran off on him, and his daughter is obviously nothing but trouble.”

 

Before Edward could refute that, Bella pushed the front door open, and he had to hurry to follow her inside.

 

“Bella Swan, is that you?” the blond behind the counter said in one of those saccharine-sweet voices Edward loathed.

 

“Hey, Lauren. I didn’t know you were in town.”

 

Lauren shrugged. “Summer job, you know? And I spend all my free time back in Seattle with my boyfriend. Speaking of which…” She turned her brilliant, and equally fake, smile on Edward. “Who is this?”

 

Edward put his driver’s license on the counter, though he spared a brief smile for Lauren. “Edward Cullen. I’d like a room, please. Two beds.”

 

The other woman’s smile faltered just a bit, and she looked toward Bella who cleared her throat. “He’s a friend.”

 

“Oh.” Lauren drew out the word and her smile widened. She took Edward’s license, beginning to click away on her computer. “That makes more sense.” She looked up at Bella, tilting her head with a knowing expression that made Edward want to shake her. “I know you have a thing for older men, but this one is really out of your league.”

 

“Do you think I could get that room as quickly as possible?” Edward said, his tone clipped. “I’d really like to get settled in.”

 

Irritation flashed across Lauren’s face, but she nodded. “Of course, sir.”

 

Some minutes later, Edward and Bella were back in the car, heading toward more permanent parking nearer their room. “So that was fun,” Edward said, still chafing with unspent fury at the aggravating woman.

 

“Lauren Mallory. Yeah, she hasn’t changed much. Today was honestly the most friendly she’s ever been to me.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “Last time I saw her, I was still in a cast. She said, if I was such an idiot to stay in an abusive relationship, then I deserved what I got, and I shouldn’t have blamed him when I was the one who got him used to pushing me around.”

 

Edward tightened his grip on the steering wheel, glad the car was parked. “Jesus Christ,” he muttered under his breath. He opened his mouth, intent on damning Lauren into the arms of an abuser, but then he shut it again.

 

No, he wouldn’t wish that kind of mistreatment on anyone.

 

“I don’t know why she hates me,” Bella said, her tone more curious than hurt. “We never really knew each other. She just always did.”

 

“Why people hate strangers who’ve never hurt them is a mystery of life,” Edward said. “If you figure that one out, let me know.”

 

They got out, and Edward rescued his one bag from the trunk. Inside the room, Bella sat on one bed, and they made small talk while he put his things away. Then, as they lapsed into silence, Edward went to her. He dropped to his knees in front of her so he could look up into her eyes.

 

It had taken him this time to figure out what bothered him the most about Charlie’s accusations. As he’d already said, he understood where the man was coming from to a large degree, but the whole situation reeked of injustice.

 

“What are you doing?” Bella asked, her eyebrows drawn together in confusion.

 

Edward took her hands in both of his. “I need to say this to you. I think you need to hear it.” He put one of his hands gently against her belly. She started, but she didn’t pull away. “No matter what anyone else says, you and I both know how this happened. Look, Bella, neither of us remembering birth control...well, we could have been smarter about that. I don’t know how you see what happened between us, but for me, it was something special.” He had to swallow hard around the ever-present lump in his throat. “There was...is...something between us. A connection, and we acted on it physically. There’s honesty in that.” He took her hands again and squeezed. “And it was one of the better nights of my life. Probably the best night in the last decade. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for what it’s cost you, but I’m not sorry it happened.”

 

Bella’s eyes shone, and she grasped Edward’s fingers as though for dear life. She slid off the bed to her knees beside him and wrapped her arms around his neck, holding him. He could feel she was trembling, though with fear or emotion, he couldn’t tell.

 

After a handful of seconds, she pulled back, looking at him, and when she spoke, she whispered, “You are the only person I’ve ever chosen to sleep with.” She pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “I’m glad it was you.”

 

Those words knocked the wind from Edward’s lungs for many reasons. Yes, of course, he was pleased. One couldn’t help feeling elated when a beautiful woman--one he had a great affection for--said something like that to him. But at the same time, those words broke his heart and left him with even more questions he wasn’t sure he wanted the answer to.

 

Just how much had this girl suffered?

 

Edward was distracted from this thought when Bella kissed him, this time full on the mouth, and he was caught off guard by the jolt of electricity it sent through him. He remembered then the earth-shattering emotion he’d been caught up in just seconds before Charlie made his appearance. How feeling the evidence of the baby he and Bella had sparked together had opened his eyes to what he’d known about her since he first heard her speak.

 

There was something about this woman that made him want more.

 

What more was Edward didn’t know. All he knew was back when they met, it had been relief when she kissed him, and when she pulled him into her room. All he knew now was when she kissed him, he felt he could take a deep breath for the first time in months.

 

He wrapped his arms around her and they both moved until they were sitting with their backs against the bed, tangled up in each other’s embrace. They kissed slowly, fingers tracing cheeks or spines.

  
Everything else in their world might have been upside down, but despite what this connection between them had already cost them, it still felt right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: OMAI!!!
> 
> Hehehe. I’ll see you soon, guys. Thank you for all your love and support. MWAH.


	14. Chapter 13 - Father

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: General author’s note - I maybe, kinda, sorta bit off more than I can chew with the number of fics I have up in the air (Between fanfics and ofics). Even my May to December Romance contest entry got out of hand (I KNOW. WE’RE ALL SHOCKED). So I’m going to ask your patience with updates. I’m going to make it a goal to update three of my fanfics every week with an emphasis on Nightmare, Angel, and Trouble since they are all closer to being done than any of my other fics. 
> 
> Just a general FYI since a lot of questions I get are in regards to updates. :)

She was having the dream again. That dream where she couldn’t seem to do anything right. Mike was lurking around edges of her subconscious. She saw his sneer. His fists curled at his sides. His ice blue eyes glinting with anger.

 

“Shhh. Shh. It’s okay. I’m here.”

 

The words didn’t really make sense to her, but she longed for them. Normally in this dream, danger surrounded her. There was no escape. Every choice she made only led her deeper. The voice was a promise if she could only reach it, she could be pulled onto steady ground. Safety was there for her to grab. Close.

 

“Open your eyes.”

 

Bella obeyed. She had just enough presence of mind to process that Edward was kneeling so they were face to face before she lunged, throwing her arms around his neck in relief. Her relief was short-lived. Bella yelped as she fell out of her bed into Edward’s arms.

 

“Whoa. Hey.” He pushed her hair back, his eyebrows knitted in concern as he looked her over. “Are you okay?”

 

They were on the floor between their beds. Edward settled with his back against the nightstand. She probably should have been embarrassed, but to hell with that. She tightened her arms around Edward’s neck, readjusting herself on his lap. “I’m okay. I’ve been dreaming more since I ran into...you know.”

 

Edward said nothing, but he was brushing his fingers through her hair in such a soothing way. “This isn’t bothering you, is it?”

 

Bella tilted her head, studying him for few moments.

 

He’d triggered her before, but she’d reached for him this time. “You don’t bother me,” she said.

 

Shy but wanting, she closed the distance between them and kissed him. They were soft kisses. Like the kisses they’d shared a few hours before, they weren’t leading anywhere. She liked what he’d said--that there was a connection between them--and they’d expressed it physically. Even in a mess as tangled as this one, there were a few simple answers. This was one. This pull she felt toward him existed, and she liked kissing him. That’s all she needed to know for the time being.

 

When they pulled apart, the look in Edward’s eyes was tender but conflicted. For a few seconds, Bella tensed, waiting for him to say they needed to talk. Instead, he brushed the backs of his knuckles down her cheek. “Can you sleep? It’s early yet.”

 

Sleep. She’d fallen into a deep sleep embarrassingly early that evening. But God, she hadn’t slept well since she’d been back in Forks and not at all since running into Mike’s dad. She was still very tired. “I’ll sleep, but will you stay with me?”

 

The dream had left her a little shaken, and she didn’t want to give up the safety of his arms. Not yet. She could stand on her own feet and fight her own battles in the morning--just not tonight.

 

Warm in his arms in the hotel’s queen-sized bed, Bella could admit to herself she’d been lonely. It was the kind of loneliness that made everyone a stranger, or worse, a demon, to her. They moved until her back was tucked up against his chest, and the disquieting feeling beneath her skin faded away. Bella sighed, her eyelids getting heavy again as Edward touched her. They were comforting touches, idle and lacking heat. He traced her hairline around her ear, down her neck. He traced the line of her shoulder, down her arm.

 

There he hesitated, but after a moment, he rested his arm at her waist and put his hand to her belly, fingers spread wide.

 

Bella put her hand on his and slept.

~0~

“Oh, hell.”

 

Bella glared at her phone, not looking up as Edward came in the door with bits and pieces of a continental breakfast for both of them. “Everything okay?” he asked as he set down his bounty on the room’s table.

 

“Yeah.” Bella got up and sat at the table opposite him. “You remember I told you about Jacob?”

 

“Jacob, the best friend.”

 

“Right. Well, his dad is my dad’s best friend. Charlie must have gone over to vent to Billy because now Jake’s blowing up my phone.” She showed Edward the missed calls and text messages. Pulling her feet up onto the seat, she rubbed at her temple. “Everyone’s going to know soon.”

 

“How will that go?”

 

Bella gave him a weary smile and picked at a muffin. “Pretty much the same as usual, I guess. They think they know me. You know the ones I hate the most? The ones who have such pity for me. I hate the way they look at me. Poor little girl. She doesn’t know any better.”

 

She rested her head on her knee and rocked, staring at nothing. “When I got out of the hospital after everything happened, my dad told me to hold my head up high. He said I’d survived something, and there wasn’t anything to be ashamed of.” She blew out a breath through her nose. “But give me a break. Even when the bruises faded, I was still limping around on crutches, and everyone knew why. You don’t hold your head up high when someone’s made you a victim. You can’t help but feel shame when people are either looking at you with pity or like you must have done something to deserve it.”

 

“Is that how you feel now?” Edward asked the tabletop.

 

Bella’s head snapped up. “No.” She reached across the table, leaving her hand palm up near him. He looked at it and then at her, putting his hand in hers. “What you said about us having a connection--that was true, but you and I both know that I was the one who initiated it.” She blushed, ducking her head, but smiled. “I told you. You were my choice. It was my choice to keep the baby. It’s not easy, but I’m no one’s victim.”

 

Edward moved his thumb over her wrist. “But the good people of Forks will all make their own assumptions,” he concluded.

 

“Yeah.” Bella sighed and tore the top off the muffin she’d been picking at. “But it doesn’t really matter. The way people looked at me was one of the million reasons why I wanted to get far away from here, when I finally had my head on straight. Forks is just small enough that Dad is a celebrity, and that means I’m branded.”

 

“Bella…”

 

Bella looked up to see indecision on Edward’s face. “It’s okay,” she said. “I’m venting. That’s all. Summer will be over eventually.”

~0~

It was too bad Bella had rushed out of the house so quickly the day before. She could have used her platform boots. She could have used the whole costume that made her look like a girl who was ten feet tall and could kick some ass. Like a tough-as-nails, punk-rock princess who could own a stage and punch a guy in the balls for looking at her the wrong way.

 

She wished she could be that girl instead of just dressing like her.

 

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come in with you?” Edward asked as they pulled up in front of her dad’s house.

 

Bella took a deep breath and tried to smile with confidence when she looked over at him. “Yeah. It’ll be good to talk to him alone first.” She huffed. “Hopefully he's ready to talk instead of lecture."

 

He hummed. "You know the good thing about this tiny town of yours?"

 

"Mine?" She snorted. "What's good?"

 

"I can be back here in five minutes no matter where I go."

 

She smiled. "I'll see you in an hour or so. Hopefully. "

 

When she got out of the car, the front door opened. Charlie stood at the top of the stairs, leaning on the jamb. Bella was irritated when her father didn't look at her but glared at Edward instead. He didn’t raised his eyes until Bella was standing right In front of him.

 

"Is he not leaving?" Charlie asked, finally looking at her.

 

Bella took a breath. Here goes nothing. "He'll leave when I'm sure you're actually going to listen to me. Because if you’re just going to rant at me again, I might as well get back in the car with him.”

 

Charlie’s eyes flashed. “But he’s not man enough to come face me.”

 

“That’s not what’s going on.” Bella narrowed her eyes and forced herself to stand up straight, looking her father in the eyes even though her heart was pounding out of control. “I want to talk to you alone. That’s my choice, and Edward is honoring my decisions. I gave him a grocery list. He’s going to the store for me to give us a chance to talk.”

 

For a few moments, they stared at each other. Then Charlie’s expression softened. He ducked his head and nodded, clearing his throat. “I’m ready to listen,” he said.

 

Bella studied him another moment and nodded. Looking over her shoulder, she waved at Edward, smiling when he grinned reassuringly at her.

 

When she turned back, all the anger had drained from Charlie’s features. He looked, as he often had, like a heartbroken father, clueless about what to do. Bella, still painfully uncertain herself, threw them both a bone, taking a page from Edward’s playbook. “How about a hug?”

 

Charlie hadn’t ever been great at the emotional stuff, but he seemed relieved as he pulled her to him. His hug was tight, and Bella was soothed. She knew it wasn’t the resolution to their problems, but she’d always known that her parents loved her. Maybe they weren’t great with words or assessing how their actions impacted her, but they did love her. There had been a small voice in her head that worried this would be the thing that finally made them give up on her. That voice went silent when Charlie rocked her.

 

“I’m sorry,” Charlie said, ushering her inside. “I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have, but I don’t know how you expected a good reaction. I come home to find a man I’ve never seen before in my house with you.” They both sat down at opposite ends of the couch. “Not only that, but...how old is this guy?”

 

Bella grimaced. “He’s thirty-seven.”

 

“Dammit, Bella.” Charlie rubbed at his temples.

 

“It’s not whatever you’re thinking, okay? What you said about Edward yesterday isn’t true.”

 

“I’m sure that’s what he’s led you to believe.”

 

Bella leveled a glare at her father. “You don’t know him. I do.”

 

“Like you knew Mike.”

 

Bella flinched. “Okay, look. Here’s the truth. Edward wasn’t on the campus trolling for college coeds. He had a class that night.”

 

“He hasn’t graduated?”

 

“Ugh. Stop trying to twist things, okay? Edward is a very successful engineer. He takes college classes sometimes for fun.”

 

“Or because they’re full of college girls.”

 

“Dad.”

 

Charlie held his hands up and sat back, waving that she should continue.

 

“You’re not reading him right at all. The professor who runs the poetry club is his brother-in-law. Edward thought he needed a ride. He stayed because he liked the poem I was performing.”

 

Charlie raised an eyebrow. “You performed a poem? In front of an audience?”

 

Bella had always been shy, and she couldn’t help the small smile of pride that tugged at her lips. “Yeah. First time, actually.” She sighed. It had been months since she’d thought of poetry, and she missed it. She missed the release. “Anyway. The point is, he wasn’t there trying to pick up chicks. He didn’t try to seduce me. We talked.” She rubbed the back of her neck. “Then I...Whatever. What I’m trying to say is, Edward isn’t some predator, and I’m not a little girl. He’s a good man, and he’s been through a lot.”

 

“Do you hear yourself at all? You said almost the exact same thing about Mike. Mike is a good guy. Mike is under a lot of pressure. Mike--”

 

“Stop saying his name!” Bella got up, pacing a small circle as she tried to get a grip on her emotions again. “What is it you think you’re trying to do? You’re trying to convince me I’m still the same stupid kid who fell for his bullshit, now I’m just falling for Edward’s? You think I’m forgetting everything that asshole did to me? You think by saying his name I’ll remember and suddenly understand that Edward is the same brand of monster? You think I don’t know I can be manipulated and controlled?”

 

“Bella, calm down. Sit down.”

 

“I don’t think you understand how hard it is for me to trust myself. There isn’t any nasty thing you can say that’s worse than what I told myself when I figured out I was pregnant.” Bella’s voice cracked, and to her horror, her vision blurred with tears that spilled over. “Dad, I need to believe I can do this. I need to believe Edward isn’t lying to me. He’s worked so hard to earn my trust, and I need to trust myself, or I’ll go crazy.”

 

“Bells.” Charlie scooted over to her side of the couch and grabbed her hand as she paced, pulling her to a stop. He looked up at her. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to make this hard for you.”

 

“Yeah, not for nothing, Dad, but you suck at not making things harder for me.”

 

The look of genuine hurt that went across Charlie’s face made Bella regret her words instantly. She opened her mouth to apologize but thought better. Fuck that. They were true even if they did hurt. She gently pulled her hand from his and sat in the armchair he usually occupied, wiping away tears. “I almost had an abortion. I made the appointment.”

 

“Why didn’t you?” Charlie’s words weren’t accusatory but curious.

 

Bella picked at the threads of the couch. “You know when I got into NAU, you kept saying that I’d gotten my life back together. I never understood that. After Mike, after all the therapy, after everything, I’ve had this feeling like I’m just drifting. Just surviving. My future is one big generalization. I want a meaningful job, the respect of my peers. Maybe a partner to come home to, to share my life with. I want kids. You see how all those things are so general as to be practically meaningless?

 

“The baby is this defined thing. I’ve known for a long time I want to be a mother someday. This is my someday. And I’m not stupid. I know this choice doesn’t work out well for everyone. I know it’s not planned or ideal, but neither was I, right?”

 

“That’s different,” Charlie said. “Your mother and I might have been young, but we were in love. We wanted a life together.”

 

“And look at you now. Maybe Edward and I were total strangers when this happened, but you and Mom are total strangers now. Friendly strangers, but do you think you know anything about who she really is now? And did that matter? I was a happy kid, and even though you were far away most of my childhood, I knew I had a dad out there who cared about me.”

 

Charlie grunted. “Obviously, it couldn’t have worked out too well. How else did you end up with that creep when you were sixteen?”

 

Bella got up and sat beside him on the couch again. She bumped his shoulder. “You haven’t done everything right. Obviously, neither have I.”

 

He rubbed at his eyes. “It’s not that I don’t believe you can do it, Bells. You’re a lot smarter...just better than your mother and I were. It’s everything else I want for you. I hear what you’re saying about your future being such a general thing right now, but that would change. No matter what you do, having a degree opens doors for you.”

 

“I’m not trying to drop out of school. You think maybe you’re ready to talk about Edward now and actually listen? I think if you get to know him a little bit, you’ll see I’m not alone in this. I’m not being naive or starry-eyed. There’s nothing easy about--” she scoffed “--anything in my life, but Edward is good to me.”

 

Charlie grumbled, but he nodded. “Yeah, I can listen.” He cleared his throat. “So...I’m going to be a grandpa then?”

 

“December 20th,” Bella said, suddenly shy and embarrassed. “That’s when I’m due.”

 

“Wow. So you’ve known for a while.”

 

“I’m sorry. It’s been a lot to deal with, and I didn’t want to face you and mom until I had to.”

 

Charlie was quiet for a minute. “Bella...I’m your father. I don’t want to be something you have to deal with. I should be someone you come to to help you deal.”

 

That was something Bella had wanted more than anything. All the time she was recovering from what Mike had done, talking to therapists and trying to deal with her guilt, her shame, her anger, and the voice in her head that whispered it had all been her fault, she’d desperately needed her parents to be people she could confide in.

 

One of her therapists had told her that she couldn’t expect people to be exactly what she needed. What she could expect was for people who cared about her to want to learn. It was an idea she had been petulant about even a year before. They were her parents, and they should just know how to be supportive.

 

Now, though, she understood that had been an immature thought.

 

She bumped her dad’s shoulder again. “We can work on it. Starting with this.”

 

“Play nice with my grandkid’s dad.” He didn’t sound pleased, but he nodded. “Okay. I can do that.” He pointed at Bella. “But if he messes with either of you. If I even begin to think he’s treating you or the kid badly, I’m kicking his ass first and asking questions later. That’s what I should have done the first time. Is that fair?”

 

Bella’s lip twitched. She didn’t tell him he didn’t need to worry. Bella had already proven she could kick Edward’s ass if she needed to. “Fair enough. Just know that he’s not Mike, and I’m not the same person I was.”

  
"I'll try to keep that in mind."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Do you know, I think I have the best friends in the entire fandom. Packy 2.0, Capricorn75, songster, jessypt, and barburella make my docs such a wonderful place to be with their insight and general loveliness. I’m a lucky gal.
> 
> SO. Hi.


	15. Chapter 14 - Introductions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey guys. Just a reminder that if you haven’t voted in the May to December contest, which I entered, you should. :) Link is in my profile.

When he was a young man, Edward had prided himself with the fact he was good with his in-laws. Then again, the man of that family had been Kate’s twelve-year-old brother Vasili--a surprise and a half to the busy single mother of three then-teenage daughters.The only thing Edward had to do to impress his mother-in-law was be a better man than either of her childrens’ fathers. The bar wasn’t set very high. Kate’s older sisters, Tanya and Irina, gave him a hard time, but, seeing that their sister was so happy, they relented quickly enough.

 

Even after they’d divorced, Sasha, Kate’s mother, had told him she couldn’t be too angry.

 

“You love her enough not to torture her, and for that, I’ll forgive you.”

 

If Sasha could forgive him, maybe there was some hope in winning Charlie over. Then again, Charlie wasn’t his father-in-law.

 

The man was being civil, but it was that kind of forced civility where his smile was too big and his handshake far too bone-crushing to be friendly. It was awkward, but Edward and Charlie both muddled through it for Bella’s sake.

 

The day after Charlie and Edward were properly introduced, Edward spent the day with Bella at the Swan’s house. Almost as soon as Charlie stepped in the door that evening, Bella dropped the pan of scalloped potatoes she’d been about to put in the oven. To Edward’s dismay, she burst into tears.

 

Both men hurried forward to help, but Edward got there first. Temporarily forgetting Charlie existed, Edward knelt by Bella’s side and put an arm around her, gripping her wrist in a loose hold to stop her from grabbing at the mess haphazardly.

 

“Fuck,” she said under her breath. “Shit, fuck, damn.”

 

“It’s okay, Bella.”

 

“It’s not okay.” She leaned forward on her knees, picking up a large shard of the broken pan out of the mess of potatoes and milk. “Crap.”

 

“It’s fine, Bells. We can have something else,” Charlie said, kneeling across from them.

 

“We don’t have anything else. There’s nothing else. I’m making a roast. Roast goes with potatoes. I could do rice, but we don’t have that either.” Her voice cracked.

 

Edward ducked his head, studying Bella’s distressed expression carefully. When he was sure her fit was pregnancy-induced and not some kind of trigger, he took her hands and squeezed. “Hey, it’s okay. We don’t need potatoes.”

 

“Dinner without a side is just meat,” she said, but she sniffled, looking up at him with a look that was more sheepish than frantic.

 

“How about this? We’ll run out to the store and get whatever you need,” Charlie said, not so surreptitiously taking Bella’s hands from Edward to squeeze them himself.

 

Edward didn’t make a fuss. Instead, he started to clean up the mess.

 

“We?” Bella asked. “Dad, I have things in the oven. I can’t leave.”

 

“We, as in Edward and I.” Charlie gave Edward a couple of rougher than necessary thwacks on the back. “We can get what you need.”

 

Somehow, Edward managed not to grimace, though it was a near thing. Everyone in the room knew damn well that Charlie had been waiting for an excuse to get Edward alone.

 

“Dad,” Bella began, but Edward cleared his throat.

 

“It’s okay, Bella. I’ll go with your dad.”

 

Bella frowned, her hands on her hips. She didn’t look pleased, but she nodded. “Promise you’ll be nice,” she said to her father. “It will really stress me out if you maim or murder him.”

 

Edward bit the inside of his cheek and turned to the sink to hide a sardonic smile. Especially around her father, there was no getting around the fact Bella was much closer to a teenager than a seasoned adult.

 

“He’ll get back in one piece,” Charlie said. He smacked Edward on the arm. “Come on. Let’s go.”

 

Bella cast Edward an anxious look, but he only smiled, pretending his heart wasn’t hammering as hard as it was.

 

Charlie didn’t waste any time. As soon as they were out of sight of the house, he got right to the point. “So, here’s what doesn’t track for me.”

 

Edward coughed into his hand. “What’s that?”

 

“Yesterday, she said you worked hard to earn her trust. After you found out about the baby.”

 

Edward shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “We didn’t know each other very well.”

 

“Right, but she trusted you enough to go home with you.”

 

“Right.” Edward clenched his hand into a fist out of Charlie’s sight. So much for hoping a small-town cop wouldn’t be as good at picking up on bullshit. Guilty as he was, the truth was never going to fly. He and Bella had agreed to stick as close to the truth as possible, though.

 

“When she told me she was pregnant, I didn’t react very well,” Edward said, his voice gruff. “And I-” Hurt her. “Scared her. I said the wrong things. It wasn’t my proudest moment.”

 

Charlie grunted in response but didn’t say anything else. They were already in front of the supermarket. They got out, but just before they entered, Charlie grabbed Edward by the arm, hauling him off to the side.

 

“Okay, here’s the bottom line,” he said, crossing his arms as he leveled a hard stare at Edward. “You’re not some punk ass kid. I get that you’re trying to do the right thing here. I can appreciate that. So here’s the deal. I’m letting you off the hook.”

 

Edward blinked, sure he hadn’t heard right. “What?”

 

“You’re my age. Good job. Nice family. You kept your nose clean--believe me, I checked.”

 

Edward grimaced, his jaw clenched tight.

 

Charlie went on. “I figure a guy like you has his life in some kind of order. Accidents happen. I get it. I doubt it’s part of your ten year plan to end up supporting a twenty-year-old girl and a baby. It’s not that I don’t appreciate what you’re offering Bella, but I’d rather you left the both of them alone. I don’t want Bella to be put in the position of thinking she owes you something. She deserves to live her own life.”

 

“I don’t think Bella owes me anything. It’s the opposite,” Edward said, struggling to keep his tone even.

 

“Bottom line? I’m relieving you of any responsibility. I’ll make sure my daughter has what she needs. Do Bella and the kid a favor, huh? Nobody needs a father who’s only there out of some screwed up sense of responsibility. I don’t want you to put Bella in the position of having to explain to her kid why his daddy doesn’t love either of them.”

 

Charlie didn’t wait for Edward to respond. He walked into the store, leaving Edward seething behind him.

 

It was a full minute before Edward could get his body to unfreeze. He entered the market with stiff steps, gnashing his teeth, knowing the whole time his anger was a mask of his guilt. After all, Charlie hadn’t said much Edward wasn’t thinking himself, at least about the baby. Bella’s baby deserved what Xavier still had - a father who adored him and wanted him. As it was, Edward didn’t know how he felt about the baby. How many times had he pushed the topic away whenever his family wanted to talk, wanted to know what he was going to do? Since Bella had put his hand to her bump, Edward had been unable to push away thoughts of their mystery baby.

 

He knew he’d have to think about it--really think about it--sooner than later, but he was terrified of what he’d feel. Or more accurately, not feel. He didn’t want to face the idea that Charlie might be right--the baby might be better off without him as a father.

 

Where Charlie was wrong was in how he felt about Bella. Yes, at first, he’d been acting out of responsibility. There was only one right thing to do, as far as Edward figured, and that was to be there for Bella in any way he could. But now the idea of walking away was unfathomable. Not because of the baby--the baby was still no more than a concept, a heavy weight that had the potential to destroy his existence but one that was still held aloft, almost out of sight. Bella, though…

 

Edward thought about her sweet kisses, the trust she put in him despite everything. He hadn’t lost the sense that she knew him. It was still easier to express whatever was between them physically. He had no words. He never had the right words.

 

That first night, she’d had his words. There on that stage, she was everything he’d been trying to say.

 

He didn’t want to walk away from her, and he didn’t know what to feel about that either.

 

When he caught up to Charlie, Edward fell into step beside him. He didn’t know what to say, so he just asked what was on the short list Bella had given them.

 

Before Charlie could answer him, a loud voice drew their attention. “Hey, Chief. Who’s your friend?”

 

Edward saw Charlie’s posture go stiff and his eyes harden before he turned around. “Hello, Dick.” The way he leaned on the last word would have been funny if Edward wasn’t suddenly very sure who it was he was looking at.

 

Light blond hair, icy blue eyes. A malevolent twist to his lips. The guy made Edward’s stomach churn and his fists clench at his sides just looking at him.

 

Charlie cleared his throat. “Edward, this is Richard Newton.” He hadn’t taken his glare off the other man. “Edward is a...friend of my daughter’s.”

 

Richard’s eyes narrowed as he looked to Edward. “A friend of Bella’s, huh?”

 

Charlie’s moustache twitched. “You going to start?”

 

Richard held his hands up in a placating motion. “Must be nice, that’s all. That your kid gets to move on.”

 

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Charlie said, his tone clipped. To Edward he said, “I’m going to get the potatoes. Milk is over that way.”

 

“I’ll get it,” Edward said. He let his glare linger on Richard for a few more seconds before he headed in the right direction.

 

He didn’t have time to take a deep breath before he heard the quick footsteps of someone coming up behind him. He whirled to find Richard had followed him. “Can I help you with something?”

 

“Hey, man. I’m here for you. Take it from me. You don’t want to be friends with Bella Swan.”

 

Edward took a step toward the man. “You know what I want? I want you to shut your mouth, because I don’t want to hear whatever you have to say about her.”

 

The man quirked an eyebrow. “Oh, so it is like that.” He scoffed. “What is it about that girl? She’s nothing much to look at. A whiny little bitch prone to histrionics.”

 

“I’m not going to listen to this,” Edward said, turning away from Richard before he gave in to the desire to punch the man’s teeth out.

 

“Hey, it’s your ass. She’s just going to do to you the same thing she did to my boy. She’ll take you for what you’re worth, let you bust your hump to provide for her, and all you’ll get for it is a jail sentence.”

 

Edward turned, enraged. “Your son is a predator and a bastard. I hope his prison buddies are treating him as well as he treated Bella.”

 

“Oh, you’re one of those assholes, huh? He didn’t hurt her. Yeah, it was unfortunate she tripped, but he didn’t give her much more than a love tap. Every woman needs a good slap now and again. You don’t see Karen whining about it. She knows what she gets when she’s being a bitch. Any man--”

 

Edward couldn’t listen anymore. He drove his fist into the other man’s stomach. Hard. “You know the more I think about it, some men deserve to be hit, too,” he said through clenched teeth. He stepped back, calmer about the whole thing than he should have been.

 

Richard, doubled over and clutching his stomach, looked up not at Edward but at some point behind him. He gasped out a breath and said in a strained voice, “You gonna do your job, Chief?”

 

Edward grimaced as he looked over his shoulder. Sure enough, Charlie was there, looking on with his brows furrowed. Great, as though the man needed an excuse to throw him in jail.

 

But Charlie just shrugged. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I didn’t see anything.” He reached past Edward to pick up a carton of milk. “Anyway, most guys have been punched in their lives, Dick. You don’t see them whining about it.”

 

Not even bothering to fight a smirk, Edward followed Charlie to the checkstand with their purchases. Neither of them spoke. They paid and left. Back in the car, Edward flexed his aching fist.

 

When they pulled up to the house a few minutes later, Edward huffed. “I care about her,” he said, his tone quiet. “She’s been through more than enough, and the last thing I want is to be the one who hurts her.”

 

Charlie grunted. “Yeah, I get that. Not saying I wish you didn’t think about it before you… Well, anyway. I get it.”

 

Edward wondered if it was his imagination, but it seemed like the tension between he and Charlie had lessened considerably. That seemed ironic, that an act of violence would actually win him grudging respect from the other man.

 

Well, whatever. He couldn’t say he felt that bad about hurting a man who’d had such a large part in hurting Bella. If it helped with the Charlie situation, that was just a bonus.

 

They went inside, and there, Edward came face to face with a wall of muscle. He wasn’t a short man. It wasn’t often he had to look up at someone. When he did, he found himself face to face with a dark-skinned young man with long, glossy black hair. Edward took an involuntary step backward.

 

The kid grinned. Bella appeared behind him looking even more anxious than before. “Edward, this is Jacob Black. Jacob Black, Edward Cullen. Jacob invited himself over.”

 

There was a timbre to her voice Edward didn’t like at all. He looked away from her reluctantly and offered his hand to Jacob. “Nice to put a face to the name,” he said.

 

Jacob’s grin only widened, and, as Edward expected, took his hand in the classic alpha-male handshake of death--an especially unpleasant experience given that Edward’s hand was so sore. Two in two days. Edward kept any reaction from his face.

 

“Okay,” Bella said, giving Jake an irritated look that said she knew exactly what he was doing.

 

When the guy let go, Edward put his abused hand down at his side, flexing surreptitiously. This town made him very tired.

 

“Great, so. That happened.” Bella clicked her tongue against her teeth nervously. “Thanks for getting the stuff. Give me twenty-five minutes, and I’ll have dinner on the table.”

 

Jacob slung his arm around Bella’s shoulders in a careless way. “I’ll help you.”

 

“No.” Bella twisted out from under his arm. She combed her fingers through her hair in a nervous way that made Edward’s stomach ache. She looked around, a little self-conscious. “Um. No. That’s okay. It’s a one-person job. I got this.” Jacob took a step toward her, and Bella took a large step to the side, away from him. “Seriously, um. Yeah. You can... maybe there’s a game on or something?”

 

“Come on, gentlemen. That’s our cue to get out of the kitchen,” Charlie said.

 

“I thought preggos weren’t supposed to lift things,” Jacob said.

 

Bella’s smile was more familiar then as she fixed him with a look. “They’re potatoes. I’ll survive.”

 

Jacob finally relented and followed Edward and Charlie to the living room.

 

It was more of the same thing Edward had been putting up with since the day before--passive-aggressive comments veiled by smiles and even tones. This time, though, since it wasn’t Charlie, Edward threw in a few well-timed barbs of his own.

 

When Bella called them, they all settled down in the dining room to eat. Edward didn’t miss how Jacob plopped down in the seat next to Bella. She looked at Edward, a nervous glance that confused him, before she turned her attention to serving the roast.

 

“You never told me you could cook. This is really great,” Edward said, meaning it. The roast was melt-in-your-mouth tender and juicy. The potatoes were soft and delicious.

 

Bella seemed pleased at his compliment, and she smiled. Her smile didn’t last long. Jacob elbowed her playfully, bringing back that tense expression Edward couldn’t understand. “That’s what I’ve missed the most about you being gone, Bells. I starve at my dad’s house.”

 

“Yeah right. Billy only works to keep you fed,” she said.

 

Edward thought he saw her scoot her chair further away from Jacob. It was really beginning to piss him off how this guy obviously wasn’t taking her hints. The only reason he kept his mouth shut was because he couldn’t help but think it wasn’t that Bella was uncomfortable with Jacob--she’d spoken of him so warmly before. Rather, Bella seemed uncomfortable with the idea Edward could see every time Jacob touched her.

 

Dinner went on, and Jacob started to tell a story of the previous year when Bella jumped from a cliff way too far up and had almost given him a heart attack. “I told her only show-offs jump from that cliff, but she thought I was talking about something else,” Jacob said, and he reached over to ruffle Bella’s hair.

 

Bella pushed back from the table, the movement spastic. “I’m going to clear the table.”

 

Edward watched her disappear into the kitchen. He wiped his mouth with the corner of his napkin, picked up his plate, and followed her.

 

“Hey,” he said, setting his plate down on the counter beside her.

 

She jumped. “Hey.” She stared down at the dishes as she washed them off.

 

Edward leaned back against the counter, crossing his arms, wondering how to broach the topic. “So, Jacob--”

 

To his surprise, Bella dropped the plate in her hand. It clattered against the others in the sink. She picked up a dish towel, rubbing it fitfully. “He’s a friend. He’s just a friend. He doesn’t even have a crush on me anymore.”

 

The way her words shook startled Edward. He took a step toward her, raising his hand to touch her arm, and stopped cold when she jolted backward, her eyes wide with fright.

 

Realizing what she’d done, Bella corrected quickly, relaxing her stance from cornered animal to pacing cat. “He’s just…He’s a physical kind of guy. We’ve known each other for years. He’s a hugger, but it doesn’t mean anything. We’re friends. That’s all.”

 

“Bella--”

 

“Why the hell are you making excuses to him?”

 

Both Edward and Bella swung around to see Jacob taking up the whole doorway to the kitchen. His eyes glinted with fury, and they were set on Edward.

 

“I’m not making excuses,” Bella said.

 

“You are. You were fine when we were alone, but the second he gets back, you’re all twitchy. What the hell is going on?” He took a step toward Edward. “What’s he doing to make you so scared?”

 

“He’s not doing anything.”

 

“Don’t give me that. You--”

 

“Enough.” Bella looked to her friend, her eyes tight with a deep ache, but her tone fierce again. “What I need is for both of you to stop trying to figure out how Edward is victimizing me.” She looked between Jacob and her father, who had joined them in the kitchen. “Believe me, I get it. I know what an idiot I was when I was with Mike. I don’t need you to remind me.”

 

“Bella, that’s not--”

 

Bella held her hand out to shut him up. “Look, I’m very clear about every mistake I made with Mike, and if you think you’re scared that I could make those mistakes again, you should try being me for a day. And I get it. I was gone for six months, and I came home in another not-so-great situation. We all know I make great life choices, okay, but this isn’t the same thing as that. Just leave Edward alone. None of this is his fault.”

 

Jacob persisted. “Then why the hell did you get so jumpy with me the minute he showed up?”

 

Her laugh was dry. “Because my brain is fucked up.” She took a shaky breath. “There was a lot I didn’t tell you about Mike. About everything. He was jealous of you. More jealous about you than anyone else, and whenever we hung out, and he caught me…” She swallowed hard, obviously fighting to keep her voice steady. “It was bad for me. Really bad.”

 

Jake looked as though someone had punched him in the stomach. “You said he didn’t hit you then.”

 

“He didn’t hit me for that. It was just bad.” The way Bella stared at Jacob, willing him to understand there were worse things than being beaten without making her say the words, made Edward heartbroken and furious.

 

He wanted to go back to the store and find Richard Newton. It wasn’t as good as being able to tear Mike apart, but he would take it as a close second.

 

“It’s a trigger,” Bella continued. “That’s all. You understand what a trigger is, right?”

 

Edward wondered if Charlie and Jacob appreciated what was happening here. She was trying so hard to be all grown up, to explain her neurosis with calm facts, but this had to be devastating. How vulnerable she must have been feeling, having to explain to these two emotionally healthy men, her father and her best friend, that another human being had disfigured her psyche, maybe permanently. Edward could see the slight tremor of her hands, and he wanted so much to go to her, wrap her in the shelter of his arms and offer to be her strength for this.

 

“I understand what a trigger is,” Jacob said, his voice tight. “What I don’t get is why it’s happening now. It’s been two years, and you’ve never acted like this before. We hung out all the time when you lived here. You weren’t scared, and you’ve never been scared of me.”

 

“I’m not scared of Edward.” She looked at Edward then, saying the next words to him. “I’m really not. It’s just the situation.”

 

“What situation?” Jacob asked.

 

Bella shook her head. “Don’t worry about it.”

 

“I do worry about it. Bells, if I’m triggering you or whatever, I want to know what’s causing it so I can stop.”

 

At that, Bella seemed to lose whatever composure she’d gathered. She shook her head, staring down at her toes as she wrung her hands. “It’s fine,” she muttered. “Edward is going home tomorrow night. It’ll be fine.”

 

With that, she bolted for the stairs, leaving the three of them staring after her at a loss.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: EEEPS. SO.
> 
> Thank you to all my girls for all their help and endless patience with me.
> 
> How you doing out there?


	16. Chapter 15 - Trigger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay. I had enough clamoring anons that I feel the need to clarify this. After all, we get a little carried away and lose perspective when we’re talking about E/B. Just remember that E/B are not together. As far as Charlie and Jacob are concerned, they got pregnant on a one night stand and that is the extent of their relationship. Edward is Charlie’s age--a fact that would help neither Charlie nor Jacob think that Edward had any reason to care about Bella deeper than the responsibility he feels for having gotten her pregnant.

Bella made bets with herself as to which of them would come up after her. She wished Emily was there, and almost called her. In the end, though, she simply sat on her floor with her back against the bed and waited.

 

“Come in,” Bella called when the inevitable knock came.

 

It was Jacob. Bella was mildly surprised to find she was disappointed. The person she really wanted there with her was Edward. Then again, part of her was relieved too.

 

A side-effect of therapy was an inability to be be blissfully unaware. Bella was long in the habit of deconstructing her own moods, especially when something triggered her. She knew why it was happening now, and it wasn’t something she wanted to share with any of the men in the house.

 

At the same time, she knew some kind of explanation was important. Jacob had already proven he was willing to listen, and he wasn’t brushing off the gravity of how Bella had reacted. She was calmer now that they weren’t all clamoring around her. This she could deal with.

 

Jacob came to sit beside her, sitting similarly with his back against the bed, but he left plenty of space between them. Bella didn’t speak right away, and she didn’t look at him. Just because she was open to talking didn’t mean this was going to be easy.

 

Her friend huffed before he spoke in a rush. “I’m not trying to be an asshole. It’s just that I’m trying to decide how to act here. We were cool for two years, and everything has been fine the few weeks you’ve been home before he showed up. What happened? Was I doing something different with you?”

 

“No,” she said, and that was the truth.

 

He hadn’t done anything with her he wouldn’t have done with his two best friends from the reservation--Quil and Embry. In fact, with them, he was even more physical in that way guy friends sometimes could be. Bella couldn’t count the number of times she’d seen them grab each other--to wrestle, to put each other in headlocks and the like.

 

Bella could feel his eyes on her, but she didn’t look up. “I’m really not trying to see you as a victim here,” he said. “I mean, I’m not going to lie. I think it’s pretty creepy that guy is the same age as our dads, but I know he’s not the same kind of creep as that asshole.”

 

Now she did raise her head to look at him. “He’s not a creep at all.”

 

Jacob look dubious, but he nodded. “Okay. I believe you, but if I read you right, the ‘situation’ you were talking about downstairs has to do with him, right?”

 

Here it comes. Bella swallowed thickly. “Yeah.”

 

“So if you’re not scared of him…”

 

“Come on, Jake. This isn’t difficult to figure out. We’re going to have a baby. Even though we’re not together, my subconscious associates that with some kind of relationship.” Bella wrapped her arms tighter around herself, staring forward again. It was a partial truth, anyway. “The only thing I’ve been taught about relationships is that it makes people jealous of stupid things like another guy being near me at all.” She purposefully scooted over, closing the distance between them.

 

He glanced at her but rested his arm lightly over her shoulders. They sat in companionable silence for a minute, Bella soaking up the warmth that was characteristic of Jake. After Mike, after she came home from the shelter she’d taken refuge at long enough to get her head on straight, she spent a lot of time on the reservation with Jake and his friends. Forks had been a hostile landscape for her even then.

 

Maybe it always would be.

 

“Bells?” Jake asked after a minute.

 

“What?”

 

She could feel the rise and fall of his chest had gotten sharper; just a little more labored. “I made things a lot harder for you back then, didn’t I?”

 

Bella’s body seized with the memories his question brought back. She used to go to such lengths to maintain her friendship with Jake and not let Mike find out. When he did, though…

 

“It wasn’t your fault,” she said, her voice shaky. “You were a kid.”

 

“So were you.”

 

“Well, it wasn’t my fault either.” She took a steadying breath, because this he did need to know, just in case. They hadn’t really talked about the things that happened with Mike and Jacob’s part in them. At the time, it was what Bella needed--to feel normal again, to forget for a little while. Now, though, things needed to be said. “Yeah, Jake. You made things harder. Whenever he found us together, it was always going to be bad for me, but you pushed his buttons on purpose. You taunted him, and it was obvious he couldn’t lash out at you. Who do you think he lashed out at?”

 

Jacob’s breath stuttered. “I knew he was a jerk, but I didn’t think about what that meant. I thought if he was treating you really bad, you would have left. Or I would have known.”

 

“You get really good at hiding it,” Bella said, the words timorous.

 

Even though she knew entirely too much about the survival mode victims of abusers went into, it was still hard to accept. Why had it taken her so long to leave?

 

Bella shook the thought off, and gave Jake another squeeze. “Anyway. We should go check on Edward.” She tried to infuse some lightness into her tone. “I don’t want to leave him alone with Dad for too long.”

 

Jake pulled back, his brows furrowed as he looked at her. “He left.”

 

“What? Why? Where did he go?”

 

“Back to his hotel, I guess.” Jacob shrugged. “I don’t know. I really don’t care about him.”

 

Bella got to her feet, replaying her words in the kitchen. She could imagine how it sounded to him--that her residual fear was centered around him and not Jacob. “I need to talk to him. Do you think you can give me a ride to the hotel?”

 

Jacob didn’t move right away. He was giving her a strange look. “You like him. Like a friend like him. Like more than just the random guy who knocked you up like him.”

 

“He’s a good guy, Jake. He has his baggage, but god, look at me. It’s not like I’m a ray of pure sunshine in anyone’s life.

 

“I know. It’s just hard to process sometimes. You’re different than you were when you were home. I mean, besides the fact you came home with another person in you.” He tried to smile.

 

Bella ruffled his hair. “Ah, Jakey. I didn’t figure everything out just because I left Mike. I’m kind of playing everything by ear.” She put a hand to her belly, her cheeks heating with a self-conscious blush. “Maybe a little too by ear, but there are worse things, right?”

 

“Worse things than you being a mom? Yeah, Bells. There are a lot worse things than that. This kid’s really lucky to have you.”

 

Tears stung Bella’s eyes. So far, no one had treated this baby like it could be a good thing. It was a situation to be dealt with--like being hit by a train, Edward had said. No one had told her she was going to be a good mother. “You think so?”

 

“Yeah. I’m not worried about the kid, because it’s got you.” He gave her a side hug. “And you have me. I don’t know what you need me for, but if you do, I’m here for you.”

 

Bella smiled, blinking rapidly to keep from crying. “Thanks, Jake. I needed to hear that.”

**~0~**

Sometimes the whole being self-aware and doing the mature thing was a pain in the ass.

 

Bella wrung her hands as she stood outside of Edward’s hotel room, waiting for him to answer the door. When it came open, and he saw her standing there, he smiled. Her tummy gave a ridiculous little flutter, and she smiled back.

 

“Hey,” he said, stepping to the side so she could come in.

 

“You left,” she said, her voice accusing. She frowned at herself. That was not what she’d intended to say. “I mean. Hi.” She sat down on ‘her’ bed.

 

He sat down opposite her. “Sorry. I thought I was making you uncomfortable.”

 

She made an exasperated noise and fixed him with a glare that had no real ire behind it. “I told you; you don’t make me uncomfortable.”

 

“Bella, you were crawling out of your skin with both me and Jacob there. It was pretty clear it was my presence you were reacting to.”

 

“No. It was you and Jake my stupid subconscious was reacting to.” Bella twisted a strand of hair around her finger. “You know I don’t mean to be a basket case.”

 

“You’re not a basket case.”

 

“My point is, I didn’t want you to leave.” Her throat closed off a bit. This was so much more difficult to say to Edward than it had been to Jacob. Then again, what she’d told Jacob made sense, right? Start there, Swan. “It’s not you. It’s just that I’ve only felt this way about one other person, and it’s the Pavlov’s dog effect. My subconscious doesn’t know any better than to expect things to happen the same way they did before.”

 

Edward’s expression was pained. “Bella. Please explain that. What do you mean you’ve only felt this way about one other person? If I make you feel anything like Mike did-”

 

“Oh god. Oh no. No.” Bella leapt to her feet, scrambling for the right words. She sat down next to Edward. “That’s not what I meant. I mean, you know... stupid or not, I loved Mike. Or I thought I did. That’s what I...um…”

 

Bella cut herself off, flummoxed now. She got to her feel again, pacing a few steps back and forth in the same small space. “This isn’t coming out right at all.”

 

She started when he reached out and took her hand, pulling her to a stop. “Bella, are you trying to say you love me?”

 

“No!” She huffed. “Yes? Maybe? God, I don’t know.”

 

He tugged her hand and she sat down, not looking at him. “And you say I’m not a basket case,” she muttered, covering her face with her hands. Her skin was super-heated. There was that flutter in her belly, that twist of nerves, and she wondered if someone else would be a million times smoother in this position. “Look, when all of this started, I thought it would be a miracle if we could be friends. That’s what I wanted, for us to be friendly. But we kind of skipped over that part. I have feelings for you. I mean, I guess that’s obvious. You don’t go around kissing your friends, and I want to kiss you all the damn time. I don’t know. Nothing makes sense right now. This is completely irrational.”

 

“Bella.” He circled her wrists with his fingers, drawing her hands down away from her face. “You’re pregnant. You’re allowed to be a little irrational about what you feel and what you want.” A smile played at the edge of his lips. “Granted, that usually applies to bizarre food cravings, but this counts too.” He squeezed her fingers gently.

 

“Yeah. Might be the hormones,” she said, looking down to her lap where their fingers were entwined.

 

He lifted one hand, and his touch then was tender. Bella looked up, and her belly fluttered when she saw the intensity of the look in his eyes--cloudy with conflicting emotions. He was so close, and his head was tilted toward her. Her breath caught. “Me, on the other hand,” he murmured, his tone a rumble that was like the quiet roll of thunder. “I have no excuse.” He brushed the pad of his thumb over her lips, his eyes following the motion. “I always want to kiss you too. Irrational, maybe, but is it wrong?” He pressed a kiss to the side of her mouth. “It doesn’t feel wrong.”

 

He didn’t kiss her at first, though she was dizzy with the idea he might. It was almost as though he was trying to read her. He studied her, and as he stared, their fingers moved, exploring the ridges of knuckles, the soft flesh of palms, the shape of each other. His eyes returned to hers, confused and sure at the same time. Her belly fluttered, and she--

 

Bella gasped, pulling away.

 

“I’m sorry,” Edward said, his voice a rough whisper as he pulled his hands in.

 

“No.” She grabbed his hand and pressed it to the small swell. “I felt it.”

 

He raised his eyebrows. “The baby?”

 

“Yeah.” She laughed again. “I thought it was you. I mean. I thought it was, you know, butterflies in the belly. Nerves. But it’s not. Can you feel?”

 

“No, sweetheart. I won’t be able to feel it for a while yet. It’s actually pretty unusual that you’re feeling it this early.” Despite what he said, he didn’t try to move, didn’t pull away.

 

“Oh,” she said, disappointed. She didn’t let him go either, but kept his hand pressed against her. She looked up, and anything she might have said died on the tip of her tongue. Her heartbeat quickened, and it was instinct to tilt her head up to meet his lips with hers.

 

With their hands together over their baby, it was impossible not to remember that first night together. There was something between them that had nothing to with ration or logic. True, Bella had something to prove that night, but there was a reason it was Edward she was drawn to, a reason why she’d overcome a huge barrier for one night with him. It was chance that they’d met, but he wasn’t some random guy she’d used just to get it over with.

 

Bella put her hand against his chest, feeling that his heart was pounding as hard as hers was, just as it had that first night. It didn’t matter that he was older and more experienced in every way. She sensed that if he wanted to, he was more than capable of being charming and seductive. Yet with her, he was frightened and lost. It wasn’t a bad thing--not in this case. It gave her strength to know she wasn’t so ass backward and warped.

 

It was nice to know that maybe they were on the same page, even if both of them had no idea what language the book they were reading was written in.

 

Edward opened his mouth to her, and teased her tongue. His hands were at her waist, and then they crept up her sides under her shirt. He tickled the skin along her stomach, making her groan into his mouth. He sighed in response.

 

Where Bella made her mistake was that she started to drift. She let her conscious thoughts go, stopped worrying about what in the hell they were doing--what was the worst that could happen when she was already pregnant?--and gave herself over to the delicious haze of sensation. She wanted to get lost in the tingles that went down her spine as his fingertips skimmed her skin. She wanted to devote all her mind to the simple experience of how he tasted on her tongue and felt against her fingers.

 

But her subconscious was still raked down to raw nerves. What her subconscious knew was that Jacob and a man she was intimate with had been in the same room together. She knew what happened next. She knew what happened when they were out of Jacob’s sight, back home alone.

 

“No.”

 

The word was ripped from her against her will. She shoved Edward away from her and clapped her hands over her ears, trying desperately to hang on to reality. She knew who she was with. She knew it, but it was far too late to convince her broken psyche.

 

“No, no.” When Edward tried to reach for her, she scrambled backward crablike, holding one hand out at him in a stopping motion. “Please don’t. Please. Please. Don’t.” The words all ran together, nonsensical seeing as she was only half aware she was speaking.

 

He held his hands up and out where she could see. “I’m over here. I’m not going to hurt you.”

 

She blinked at him, hands gripped in her hair now as she wrestled with what was real and what wasn’t. Her eyes were open. She could see Edward in front of her, could see the devastated look on his face and the worry in his eyes. But the sound on reality was turned down low, and in her head, she heard herself pleading, trying to explain. If only Mike would listen, she could make him understand. Nothing had happened. Nothing would happen. She felt the iron strength of his grip as he hauled her into the house not saying a word. She flinched when she heard the sound of the door slamming behind them like a reckoning, keeping the world out so no would see. No one would know. She saw his cold eyes, sparked and dangerous with loathing and fury.

 

Bella shook her head hard.

 

The plain hotel room, not Mike’s house.

 

Warm green eyes, not cold blue.

 

Edward, not Mike.

 

She drew in air in sharp gasps and crumpled down on the bed. “Fuck,” she muttered between clenched teeth. Bella was furious, but it was an anger dampened by exhaustion. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

 

His footsteps were soft as he walked a few steps. Toward her or away--neither would have surprised Bella. But when he called her name, his voice was near. She didn’t want to open her eyes and have to face him.

 

“That was careless. I’m sorry.”

 

Bella growled, lifting her head so she could glare at him. He was kneeling by the bed, far enough away to give her breathing room but close enough that he could reach out and touch her. “Don’t fucking apologize.”

 

“I will apologize, because I was careless,” he said, his tone firm but gentle. “Come on. I came up here because I knew you were struggling, and who the hell could blame you? This town is poisonous, Bella. It’s full of triggers and people who keep tearing you apart whether they mean to or not.”

 

He put his hand, palm up, on the bed between them. Sniffling, Bella put her hand in his. He rubbed his thumb across her knuckles. After a few more seconds, she tugged and he got the idea. He sat, opening his arms to her, and she let him envelop her in the safety of his embrace, her back to his chest. Bella closed her eyes, letting him warm the places that had gone cold inside her.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” He began to rock them in a gentle swaying motion. “I’ll listen, if you want to talk.”

 

She shuddered, because what she wanted more than anything was to forget. “Not yet.”

 

“Okay,” he said, and he kissed the side of her hair. “Do you want to go home?”

 

She shook her head.

 

“Do you want to stay tonight?”

 

She pulled away but only enough that she could look at him. “Do you want me?” she asked, and there were so many questions wrapped up in the same four words, she couldn’t pretend even to herself that she didn’t know what she was asking.

 

He knew too what she was asking, all the things she was asking. “Yes,” he said, the word a whisper.

 

She settled back into his arms, lapsing into silence again.

  
Trying not to remember that he had to leave tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks to my lovely girls for putting up with my neediness.
> 
> How we doing out there, kids?


	17. Chapter 16 - Leave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: To my Fly Away Home readers - If you’re reading Oblivious, you might have seen that I’m struggling with depression, and things in my head are really hard right now. I really want to get the next chap out to you, but as I mentioned, it’s a new genre for me. Right now, it’s difficult for me to process new things. I know what I’m doing in my other fics, so they aren’t suffering as much. Promise I’ll get a chapter to you as soon as my brain cooperates. Thank you so much for your patience and support.

Edward’s phone rang early. Luckily, with a lifelong hatred of his alarm, it was his automatic reaction to reach out and silence the noise. He blinked at the screen, slowly coming to the realization that it was ringing, not going off.

 

Alice.

 

“Hey,” Edward whispered, connecting the call. “Hold on a second.”

 

“Whaizit?” Bella muttered, stirring beside him with the noise and his movements.

 

“Shh.” Edward tucked a strand of hair back behind her ear. “Go back to sleep. It’s okay.”

 

She looked at him, her eyes unfocused. Her lashes fluttered closed again, and she slept.

 

With a final look, Edward eased himself out of bed and headed outside.

 

“Hey. Sorry,” he said, putting the phone to his ear.

 

“Who were you talking to?” Alice demanded.

 

“Hello to you too, Alice.” Edward ran a hand over his eyes, trying to wake up. “Bella’s still asleep. I would be too, except my sister is calling me at seven on a Sunday morning. What the hell?”

 

“Wait, wait, wait. Go back to the part where Bella is with you in your hotel room.”

 

Edward hung his head, rubbing the back of his neck. “She’s stayed with me a few times since I’ve been here. Just to give her a break, you know? Her dad doesn’t always say the right things.”

 

“And you do all of a sudden?”

 

Edward flinched. Well, he deserved that. “I don’t know, Alice.” He went to the balcony and leaned on the rail, looking out at the motel parking lot. “Things are different here.”

 

“Okay. Talk to me.”

 

Talk to her.

 

Alice had been begging Edward to talk to her for years. Just talk to me. I want to help. I want to listen. You have to talk about it, or it’ll kill you. It’s killing you, Edward.

 

Edward closed his eyes and shuddered.

 

This was different. The more he woke up, remembering the night before and all the nights in Forks, he had to say something to someone. He had no idea how to think about what was happening between him and Bella. He had no context for this, no idea what he wanted, and no idea if he was doing the wrong thing.

 

“Do you know it’s the first time I’ve been out of state in ten years?” Edward said, looking out over the little town.

 

“Yeah. Believe me, I know.”

 

“It’s different.” He curled his bare toes against the floor. “I have nothing to think about here but her.”

 

“Is that a bad thing? You’ve been putting off thinking about her for months now.”

 

“She kissed me. And I kissed her.” Despite his uncertainty, Edward’s lips curled upward. “There’s been a lot of kissing.”

 

“Oh, mercy. Kissing the mother of your child. People will talk.”

 

Edward was quiet at that. Whenever anyone talked about the mother of his child, he still thought of Kate. Guilt twisted in his gut. There was still this gulf between him and Bella’s baby. He wished like hell he could cross it, but then again, he didn’t want to try.

 

It wasn’t fair. He knew it wasn’t fair.

 

“Are you still there?” Alice asked.

 

“Yeah.” He had to swallow past a thick knot in his throat.

 

The whole story came out. He told her everything that had happened. He told her about meeting Charlie and punching Richard Newton. He told her about Charlie telling him to leave Bella if he was only there out of responsibility. He told her about Jacob but not what little Bella had said about her triggers--that was her business.

 

He felt ever so slightly lighter when he was done. Somewhat. A little.

 

“I came up here to support her. That’s all I wanted to do, but this is getting…”

 

“Complicated?” To his surprise, Alice laughed. “I know you went up there for her, but I think being away from here is doing some good.”

 

“What the hell are you talking about? Everything is a mess. Nothing makes sense.”

 

“Oh, Edward. That’s life.”

 

“Don’t talk to me like I’m twelve years old.”

 

“No. I’m not trying to downplay what you’re feeling here. You want to think it’s terrible. You probably want to think it’s great too, or else you wouldn’t have kissed her more than once. You wouldn’t have her in your bed right now.” She laughed again, and the sound infuriated him.

 

“This isn’t a joke, Alice. This isn’t a joke for me, and what I’m doing to her isn’t a joke either.”

 

“Oh, god. You idiot. I’m not laughing because I think this is hilarious.” Again she laughed. “I’m sorry. I’m trying not to be happy, but I can’t help it. Edward, don’t you get it? You’ve been a ghost for ten years. I almost want you to stay in that town. Or if not there, go anywhere else, if only for a little while. Don’t you see that you’re engaged in something for the first time in forever? You’re defending Bella to her father and her best friend. You’re punching assholes. You’re kissing a woman you have feelings for.”

 

“Right. I’m thirty-seven years old, committing acts of violence against strangers--”

 

“That guy deserved it.”

 

“--and kissing a woman almost half my age with whom I already have a complicated relationship. We’re going to have a baby, which neither one of us is prepared for, and you’re happy about all this?”

 

“Yes! I’m sorry, but I’m fucking ecstatic. Do you have a meaningful relationship of any kind with anyone you met after Xavier died? Have you made a friend? Or even made a major life decision?” She huffed. “It’s going to be okay. You’re just living, that’s all. You remember living. No answers. No clear course, but you figure it out eventually.”

 

Behind him, a door opened. Edward peered over his shoulder to see Bella in the doorway. Despite his irritation at his sister and a general anxiety about everything in general, he had to smile. She was squinting in the sunlight, her hair wild about her face and her lips pursed in slight confusion. “What’s going on?” she asked, her voice raspy.

 

He couldn’t help reaching out to smooth a particularly willful strand of hair down. “Nothing to be worried about. I’ll be inside in a minute.”

 

Bella yawned and nodded, retreating back inside.

 

“Please don’t run from this, Edward,” Alice said in his ear. “This is too important.”

 

Edward ran his big toe over a pebble, trying to ease the tightness in his throat. He knew she wasn’t talking about him leaving physically. He never would have done that regardless--left her high and dry. His sister didn’t want him to turn a blind eye on whatever else was happening between them, and that he was sorely tempted to do. Part of him even thought it would be the best choice.

 

He sighed.  “I’m not running.”

 

“Good. That’s good.” Alice still sounded so happy it was disconcerting to him. “Go on then. Go back to her.”

 

When Edward went back in the room, he found Bella laying down on the bed they’d shared the night before. The sight of her stoked a spot of warmth in his chest. She was awake, though he could see her eyes were still hooded with sleepiness. She was a vision dressed as she was in his boxers with her hair spilling haphazardly over the pillow.

 

“Hey,” he said, sitting on the corner of the bed, looking at her. “That was Alice checking in.”

 

Bella yawned. “Does she know what time it is? This is my summer vacation, man. I’m supposed to be sleeping in until at least two like a normal college kid.” Her eyebrows furrowed, and she put a hand to her belly. “I guess she didn’t know I was with you.”

 

“She does now.”

 

“Is that…” Bella played with the edge of her shirt. “Is that weird? Is it weird that I stayed with you? What did she say?”

 

That was a loaded question. “Do you think it’s weird to stay with me?”

 

She met his eyes, her expression shy, and shook her head. “I’m glad I stayed.”  She looked down again. “I’m not a pain in the ass?”

 

He laughed and crawled up the bed to lay beside her. Haltingly, he traced her features--her cheeks, the line of her chin. What could he tell her? That small conversation with Alice had put words to some of what he was feeling. What would she say if she knew she had given him a reason to get up in the morning, a purpose for his listless existence? And it wasn’t something he did out of duty, though it was duty that had forced him not to forget that for a few hours one night. He’d shared something deep and meaningful with another human being.

 

“I’m glad you’re here,” he said, because it was the truth and it was easier than everything else in his head. He leaned in to kiss her cheek. “Do you want to sleep more, or do you want breakfast?”

 

“Oooh, you monster. What kind of a choice is that to give to a hungry and sleepy pregnant woman?”

**~0~**

Edward sipped his coffee, watching Bella’s eyes light up when the waitress set her food down. It was just a few days ago she’d been forgetting to eat.

 

“Mmm. You know how everyone just loves bacon?” she asked, studying the piece in her hand.

 

“I seem to recall some kind of national obsession with it. Because it’s delicious.” Edward took a big bite.

 

“I was always a sausage girl, or even better, ham. Now though? I love it.” She bit into the piece and closed her eyes as though in ecstasy. “It’s so good. This baby is messing with my tastebuds.”

 

A clatter startled them both. The person in the booth behind Bella had dropped their silverware. Edward’s eyes were drawn over Bella’s shoulder. His heart sunk.

 

Almost instantly, Bella’s body language changed. Her shoulders hunched inward. “Lauren, what are you doing here?”

 

Lauren turned all the way around, leaning on the booth. “I have breakfast here before my shift, if it’s okay with you.”

 

Bella ducked her head. “Yeah. Sorry. You just surprised me.”

 

“So you’re pregnant?”

 

“Uh, yeah.”

 

“Oh. I, um…” Lauren flashed that fake smile Edward loathed. She gave Bella’s shoulder a shove that was a tiny bit more forceful than playful. Edward clenched his fist beneath the table. “What a liar you are, Bella Swan. Just friends. Congratulations.”

 

“Thanks.” Bella cleared her throat. “I’m going to go to the restroom.” She ducked out of the booth and made her escape.

 

Edward balked when Lauren slid into the booth Bella had just vacated. “I’m so sorry,” she said, leaning across the table, her expression a picture of sympathy.

 

“What?” Edward asked. “Why?”

 

Lauren put a hand to her chest. “You can be honest with me. I’ve known Bella for years. I know she has issues, but for her to try to trap you like this is so sad.”

 

For a second, Edward forgot how to form words. His mind couldn’t accept that anyone would have the audacity to speak like that about anyone, let alone Bella. “Excuse me, but who the hell do you think you are? You don’t know her, and you don’t know me.”

 

Lauren crossed her arms, her sympathetic expression gone. “Oh, I don’t know her? Miss Hoity Toity in high school, thought she was amazing because she was with an older guy. Yeah, like anyone was surprised when he beat the shit out of her. She’s not the kind of girl who deserves a good man.” She looked him up and down. “What does that say about you?”

 

“Listen, I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but I’m done listening to this garbage.” Edward got out of the booth, reaching to take his wallet out of his pocket.

 

“Hey, the truth hurts. That girl is all kinds of messed up.”

 

“Whatever you think Bella is, I guarantee you, it’s a thousand times better than what you are. An asshole put her through hell, and you think that says something about her character? What does it say about you?”

 

“Edward?”

 

Edward looked up at Bella’s shaky voice. He extended a hand for her, tossing money on the table. “Come on. We’re getting out of here.”

 

Bella looked uncertainly between them, but she took Edward’s hand.

 

Lauren scoffed. “Oh, that’s how it is. You were stupid enough to stay with an abusive asshole, and instead of learning your lesson, you went out and found the first controlling prick you could find. Smart.”

 

Edward took a step forward, but Bella held his hand firm. “You know what, Lauren?” she said, her voice wavering but angry. “Fuck you.”

 

They walked out together. Edward blew out a sharp breath when they were outside in the fresh air. “God dammit,” he said, seething. “I’m sorry, Bella. Maybe there’s somewhere else we can go for breakfast.”

 

“No,” she said, her voice small. “That’s okay. I’m not hungry anymore.” She wrapped her free arm protectively around her stomach. “What did she say?”

 

Fury curled like a rock in Edward’s gut. “It doesn’t matter. It was a bunch of bullshit. She thinks she knows so much about you? Well, it doesn’t take much for me to know she’s a petty, malicious person.”

 

“Yeah, well, it’s her version of the story that’s going to get out. That’ll be fun.”

 

They lapsed into silence for the five minutes it took them to walk back to the motel and up to his room. Bella sat down woodenly on the edge of the bed, her expression vacant and her posture slumped.

 

Edward had been wrestling with an idea since he’d come to Forks. Seeing her so defeated was the last nudge he needed. He sat beside her, taking her hands in his. He kissed her fingertips until her eyes focused again, and when he spoke, he worked to make sure his tone was even, regardless of how angry he was. “Bella, I need to ask you something. I wanted to ask you before you left Flagstaff, but I didn’t think I could.” He chuffed. “I should have. If I’d known this place could be like this, I wouldn’t have let you go.”

 

Bella took her hands from his. “Let me go?”

 

“No. No. God, that came out wrong. That’s not what I meant.” He took a deep breath, trying to organize his thoughts. “Before you left, you said you had nowhere else to go, but that isn’t true.”

 

“But it is true. This is where I live.”

 

Edward shook his head. “It’s where your father lives. Tell me if I’m wrong, but you aren’t happy here.”

 

Bella didn’t say anything, and she didn’t look at him.

 

“I’ve been thinking about this since...well, since I got here. I want you to leave with me tonight.”

 

Her head snapped up. “What?”

 

“I’ll buy the ticket. It won’t be a problem. Just come home with me tonight. I hope you know you’re welcome there.”

 

“That’s crazy.”

 

“It’s really not. I told you I wanted to take care of you. I told you I would.”

 

Bella stood up, pacing a few feet away from him and running her hand through her hair. “You don’t even have room for me, Edward.”

 

“You can take my bedroom--”

 

“I’m not going to take your bedroom for a month and a half.”

 

“Take it for a few days then, and I’ll…” Edward sucked in a breath.

 

He’d thought this through, but it was harder than he wanted it to be to say the words. “I’ll... I’ll clean out the spare room for you. Alice has a spare bed frame in her garage. I’d just have to buy a mattress."

 

"You don't have to do that for me. I'll be fine."

 

"Yeah, you'll be fine. I have no doubt of that. You're stronger than anyone should have to be. I want to do this for you." He took her hands again, relieved when she didn't pull away. She let him pull her back down on the bed. "I need you to know you have a choice. And honestly,  Bella, I know I'm not giving you a lot of time to think about it, but I really hope you'll come home with me. I hate what this place is doing to you. I've only been here for a few days, and I'm exhausted."

 

He shifted off the bed, kneeling in front of her since she wasn't looking at him. "Bella, you can get through anything. I have no doubt of that. And I know your dad and your friend want to be here for you. I'm glad they're part of your support system. It's this place." Forks was good for him, Alice had said. Well, it was horrible for Bella. "You don't deserve this."

 

Bella was quiet, chewing on her bottom lip. "It would hurt my dad. He tries really hard."

 

"I know that. I can see that, but you're more important than his feelings. I'm not telling you what choice to make; I'm telling you you have a choice. It's no problem, in fact, it's what I'd prefer. I want you to be healthy. For you and for the baby, too. Stress isn't good for either of you."

 

He squeezed her hands. "It's up to you, and it's an open ended offer. I'll bring you home whenever you want."

~0~

Ten hours later, Edward watched out the window as Seattle became a distant pinpoint on the horizon. He sighed, relieved that was over. Who could have guessed his first vacation in about twelve years would be like this?

 

His right hand found Bella's knee, and he turned away from the window to smile at her. He could see in her eyes that she was deep in thought, probably wondering what the hell she was doing moving in with him, even if it was only for the summer. Still, her expression gentled, and she smiled back.

  
She was brave and beautiful. He didn’t have any more idea what the heck they were doing than she did, but he was glad she was coming home with him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I want to thank all of you who have shared your stories and left supportive messages for me. It really does mean the world to me. 
> 
> To my Fly Away Home readers - again. Thanks for your patience. 
> 
> So many thanks to Packy 2.0, songster, barburella, and jessypt. Mwah.


	18. Chapter 17 - Cohabitation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello, gorgeous. Yeah, I’m talking to you.

Bella knew she couldn’t stay in Forks. In the almost-four weeks she’d been there before Edward showed up, she knew she was deteriorating. Lauren knew she was pregnant, and who knew how she was going to spin that story. In a town of 3,000 people, it would have been impossible to go anywhere without people she barely knew deciding they knew everything about her life. At the very best, she would get pitying looks. At worst they would talk to her like Mike’s father did--like she was trouble for any man who even looked her way.

 

No, staying in Forks when she had another option was a bad idea. It was a rational decision to leave when Edward gave her the chance.

 

On the other hand, going home with Edward wasn’t exactly ideal. This wasn’t what she wanted. This was how she’d gotten trapped with Mike, wasn’t it? Her father’s house didn’t feel right, and Mike wanted to take care of her.

 

Bella had intended to tell Edward they could sleep in his bed together as they had before--chastely--until he could figure out the situation with the spare room. They were both adults, and it wasn’t like they hadn’t slept in the same bed before. The closer they got to home, though, anxiety began to creep over her. Things were changing between them. She’d kissed him, and told him she maybe, might have, possibly loved him. They were more than friends, but less than...what?

 

It was too close to history repeating itself--going from her father’s house to her boyfriend’s house with no ability to take care of herself. Charlie wasn’t happy.

 

When they got home, Bella was quiet, on edge. If Edward noticed, he didn’t comment. He took her suitcase up to his bedroom, got a change of clothes, and told her he’d be downstairs if she needed him. Then, to her immense relief, he left her alone.

 

"Tell me I didn’t make a mistake, Em,” Bella said when she called Emily a minute later.

 

“Do you think you’re making a mistake?”

 

“I didn’t think Mike was a mistake. My opinion doesn’t count.” Bella rubbed her temples. “It’s too much fucking déjà vu, man. Charlie’s upset. I’m living with a guy again.”

 

“For a month and a half.”

 

“The point is, I have no choice. It’s Edward or it’s my dad. I’m dependent on Edward now, and what if...what if…”

 

“You have to trust--”

 

“Don’t tell me I have to trust myself. I don’t trust myself. Not right now. Because I thought I was doing what was right for me when I let Mike talk me into staying with him and now I’ve been kissing Edward. I don’t know what that means. I don’t know what he’ll think that means, and if I owe him--”

 

“Calm down,” Emily said. “You don’t owe him jack shit. Not like that.”

 

Bella closed her eyes and blew out a breath. She curled up on the bed, her legs drawn up and her free hand over her belly. “Please, Em. I’ll trust my own instincts later. I need you to tell me. No bullshit, I need you to tell me I made the right choice. I promise I’ll believe you.”

 

“Okay, okay.” Emily sighed. “You’re not indebted to him, Bella. Push comes to shove, me, your dad, I bet even that Jacob kid--we’d figure out a way to get you on your feet, away from Forks. If that’s what you want, you only have to ask. Know that up front, okay?

 

“But as for your question...You know I had my doubts about him after what he did to you. You put marks on my friend, and you don’t get a second chance as far as I’m concerned. You know that. But this fucker worked his ass off to earn a second chance. He could have let you go, but he didn’t. He did everything he could to do right by you.”

 

Bella sniffed, calming slightly. “Yeah. Yeah, he did.”

 

“Yeah. Here’s the thing, Bella. I get what you’re saying. You want to say you can walk out the door, and you don’t need anyone. You can’t. Most twenty-year-olds can’t, but I get why it’s worse for you, especially now that you have a kid on the way. You want to be able to say you can take the kid and support the both of you if everything else goes to hell. Well, the way you do that is you get through school. Right now, Edward wants to help you do that. What’s more, he actually has the means.

 

“It doesn’t mean you owe him anything. He’s offering you your own space, and as far as I can tell, he’s letting you lead, right?”

 

“Yeah.” She’d been the one to instigate every kiss.

 

“You do what you need to do to get to the point where you can support you and the kid. You do trust him, right?”

 

Bella sighed. “I do. I really do.” It was herself she didn’t trust.

 

“And you trust me. I trust Edward too. He put this damn kid in you, and that makes him responsible. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

 

“You’re right.” Bella took a deep breath, letting some of the tension drain away. She even felt a bit silly. It had been some kind of anxiety attack. Of course she was safe with Edward.

 

“Okay, good,” Emily said. “If that’s settled, I have a request.”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“Can we go back to the part where you kissed him, because that, my friend, is a new development.”

 

“Oh, hell.”

**~0~**

That Monday morning, Bella made them breakfast before Edward had to go to work. When he asked if she had any plans for the day, she offered to get a head start on cleaning out the spare room. The idea of him sleeping on the couch in his own house bothered her.

 

At her suggestion, Edward choked on his coffee. He coughed, and when he looked up at her, she thought she saw something akin to panic on his features. “No. No, um.” Fist to his lips, he coughed again. “That’s really something I should do.”

 

“There’s got to be something I can do to help. It’s not like I have anything planned today.”

 

He still didn’t look comfortable, but his tone was a lot more even when he spoke again. “I spoke with my mother last night. She’s mostly retired, but she does work on restoring historic homes. It’s nothing too strenuous. Mostly she works in an advisory capacity and helps the owners find the right kind of wood, wallpaper, things like that. She’d like to spend time with you, and she could use an assistant.”

 

The surge of eagerness that went through Bella surprised her. It was the bone-deep longing of a child yearning for her mother. It wasn’t a conscious thought but a feeling, an urge that was probably, like so many other things, amplified by her erratic hormones. She wanted a mother’s hug--to be petted and cuddled. She wanted Esme Cullen’s warm presence. “She wants me to help?”

 

“Don’t feel obligated. If you want to take it easy, that’s fine. She just thought you might like the distraction. The house is in Sedona. I don’t know if you’ve had much occasion to see Sedona, but it’s beautiful out there. Very peaceful.”

 

“Emily and I kept talking about going, but then things got crazy.”

 

He reached across the table to give her hand a brief squeeze. “No pressure.”

 

“No, I’d like to go.”

 

That seemed to please him. “Good. She’ll pick you up in about an hour. Is that okay?”

 

“Sounds good.”

**~0~**

A week passed. On the weekend, Edward again put off emptying out the spare room. He worked overtime on Saturday, and then he took her to visit with his family on Sunday.

 

That was nice. They weren’t as intimidating now that Bella knew what to expect. Alice and Angela--mother of Emmett’s eldest--ambushed her, but only to commiserate about the joys of pregnancy. It was nice to have someone to gab with.

 

Angela especially had such great insights. She was very open about the fact her pregnancy had been traumatic and, if she’d had the choice, even though she loved her son now, she wouldn’t have gone through with it. It was an immense relief to Bella, who’d often been confused about the duality of an unexpected, unwanted pregnancy. Yes, she was awed by her growing bump and the fluttering she felt now and again. Yes, she was hopeful about the future, and she was curious about her baby. But there were days when she loathed that she was pregnant, especially this way. There were days when her fear was crippling. Was this the final nail in her coffin? Was her life always destined to be one mess after another?

 

It was nice to have permission to acknowledge her life would be not only simpler but, in many ways, better if Edward had never come near her.

 

The women offered to take Bella out shopping. She needed at least a few maternity pants, and they wanted to pamper her too--whatever that meant.

 

“All other things aside, the Cullens are a good family to be adopted into,” Angela said.

 

As for Bella and Edward--things were strange between them. Not bad but strange.

 

Bella wasn’t sure if Edward was, as always, letting her lead or if he’d sensed her need for distance. The first few days, every time he was near her, she was on edge. It was odd, because part of her ached for him, missed his touch, but on the other hand, she needed the distance. The sense of déjà vu hadn’t left her, and it made her jumpy.

 

Maybe someday the world would stop spinning long enough for her to figure out what she was supposed to be doing. Until then, her tangled up thoughts sought an outlet. For the first time since the night she’d met Edward, she started to write again. She wrote about the baby and her desperate fear that she was walking into her own destruction. She wrote about hope and how bittersweet it was to experience the first stirrings of desire when everything was so confusing.

 

She wrote, and wrote, and wrote about Edward, crossing out line after line, scribbling random words in the margins until her fingers were smudged with ink.

 

It was rough, but they were the first poems she’d written since she met Edward months before.

**~0~**

 

Edward had lied, and it was making Bella nervous.

 

They’d been home for nearly three weeks, and he had consistently put off cleaning out the spare room. She believed he was comfortable on the couch, but the master bedroom was still unquestionably his space.

 

Really, though, what disturbed Bella was the idea they were playing a game with rules only Edward understood. When she pushed him, no matter how gently, and tried not to let him make excuses, he got irritated. Not angry, but definitely irritated.

 

It was muscle memory to be on high alert, because she could feel the tension even though Edward never spoke the words. It had been like that with Mike. Flashbacks attacked her at random. She remembered him coming home stressed out day after day. She did everything she could. She massaged his shoulders and listened to him bitch about this or that stupid customer. She worked hard not to ask stupid questions. Something was wrong, and it was always her fault, somehow. It always ended up being her fault.

 

Bella rolled her eyes at a stupid joke Edward made, and it all unraveled. He happened to step in her direction, his hand raised because they were doing the dishes together and he was trying to put a bowl away. That wasn’t what she saw, though. No, she remembered rolling her eyes at Mike once when she knew he was tense, and she knew he was angry. He’d shoved her hard so she clipped her side against the counter and fell to the floor with him towering over her, fists clenched.

 

“God dammit, Bella,” he screamed in her memories. “I work my ass off every day for you, and you give me less respect than those stupid assholes who think they can walk all over me.”

 

In real time, Bella threw herself backward. She cowered in the corner with her hands thrown up over her head. “I’m sorry. That was rude. I know it. It was stupid.  I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please. Please. Don’t.”

 

“Bella. Bella, I’m over here, okay? I’m not going to hurt you.”

 

Bella whimpered. Her legs gave out, and she slid down, her arms still folded over her head, her body curled inward. It took her a full minute to realize she was whispering the word, “please,” over and over again in a scratchy chant.

 

“It’s okay. No one’s going to hurt you, Bella.”

 

She gasped for breath, her heart hammering. Tears welled and fell down her cheeks. She wasn't crying hysterically, and though she shook with residual fear, she wasn't sobbing in terror. Her tears were an excess of emotion, because she was feeling too many things for her body to handle them all at once.

 

When she heard Edward take a few steps forward, she raised a hand. "Don't.  Not yet."

 

"Okay," he said, voice calm and soothing. "Can you tell me what happened?"

 

"You!" She raised her head, glaring at Edward with with a fury she had no idea was lurking beneath the surface of everything. "You have me fucking obsessing over that damn room. You promised me that room, and I know something's wrong. I know that, but I can't take this...this... tension. Whatever's bothering you, I can't deal with this, Edward. It makes me crazy."

 

He looked stricken, and with her outburst, Bella’s fury left her. She groaned and rested her head on her knees, rocking a bit to self-soothe. "I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be an ungrateful brat. It's just that you didn't do what you said."

 

"You're not a brat, and I don't think you're being ungrateful," he said, voice rough now. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I had no idea you were upset."

 

Bella let some of the tension drain from her posture. She sniffled. "I really hate that you're sleeping on the couch,” she said, because that was easier than explaining about Mike.

 

“Okay,” he said, accepting without arguing. “Can I sit down?”

 

Unwinding herself a bit more, Bella nodded. While he walked toward her, moving with exaggerated slowness, she swiped at her eyes, brushing the stupid tears away. He sat on the floor with his back against the counter, facing her.

 

After a few minutes of companionable silence, Bella had enough composure to explain her headspace. She spoke in halting words about the tension she felt rolling off Edward, and how it had reminded her too much of the constant struggle to figure out what she’d done wrong.

 

“I was always making him mad. I could see it. He got irritated with me over things when I was trying so hard not to be so stupid.” She sniffled, rubbing at her eyes again. “And you were irritated with me. When I pushed about the room. I know it bothered you, and I keep thinking it bothers you that I’m in here. I’m in your space, and I’m a burden.”

 

“That’s not true. Bella, you’re not a burden. At all.” He reached out with his foot, bumping hers gently. “Come on. All the breakfasts and dinners. I’ve never been so well fed in my life. If anything, that makes me a burden to you.”

 

She huffed and then laughed--a soft, wry sound. “You’re so full of shit, you know that?” she asked without heat.

 

He hummed. “Possibly, but so are you. You know you’re not a burden.”

 

She chafed her arms, trying to ward off the cold. “That’s what I feel like.”

 

He pushed off the counter, crawled to her slowly, as though giving her time to protest and sat beside her. Bella leaned in automatically, and he put his arm around her, pulling her close to his warmth. His breath shook, and he tilted his head to rest against hers. “I’m sorry, Bella. For everything. You know I wouldn’t have wanted to make you feel like that.” He rubbed his eyes with his free hand. “I’ve been an ass.”

 

“You haven’t.”

 

“I have.” He turned to her, brushing the backs of his knuckles down her cheek, his expression tortured but tender. “You’ve been so honest with me about the horrible things that have happened to you, and I haven’t given you anything.” He sighed. “Why do you put up with me, Bella?”

 

She blinked at him, not sure what to say to that.

 

He sighed again. “Saturday, okay? Two days, and I promise on Saturday, I’ll clean the room out.”

 

It was obvious those words were very difficult to say. Bella could guess why. She wasn’t an idiot. She knew this was about Xavier, and she still couldn’t imagine what kind of pain he was in over all this.

 

Would he finally give her a chance to understand?

 

“Bella? Is that okay?”

 

“Yeah. That would be great.”

 

“Okay.” He brushed her hair back away from her face. “I’m really sorry, Bella.  I really want you to feel comfortable here. I’m sorry you’ve had to be so patient with me.”

 

She looked back at him, perplexed.

  
Too tired to figure him out right then, Bella wrapped her arms around him, giving him a hug for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Packy 2.0 is my sunshine. Barburella is my sweetheart, and I adore the hell out of songster.
> 
> You kids...You’re saving me. So thank you.


	19. Chapter 18 - Drive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This came up enough that I want to address it really quick. Triggers do not magically disappear with therapy. Nor do they mean that Bella is incapable of caring for an infant. There is no certain cure for a trigger, though triggers may change with time and conditioning. What therapy does is helps the person to recognize what is happening when they are triggered, why they are triggered, and how to cope both during and afterward. 
> 
> It is because Bella’s been to therapy that she tries to ground herself when she feels a panic attack or flashback coming on. This is why she understands what’s going on when she is triggered (she has feelings for Edward and has now moved in with him--the only thing her psyche knows of men and relationships is what Mike taught her, so it’s her unconscious mind that’s expecting what it is used to: abuse and fits of temper). This is why she talks with him rather than be embarrassed--she knows she has to talk it out and she knows a person who cares about her will try to understand why the situation is triggering. That’s part of how she copes.
> 
> Hope that makes sense. :) I just want to make it clear while it might be true Bella could benefit from more therapy (honestly, most of us could), therapy is not a cure. It won’t erase the damage that’s been done. It can only give Bella the tools to deal with it.

“Oh!”

 

Bella’s startled yelp shoved Edward from drowsing into full wakefulness. He sat up straight on the couch, blinking. “What?”

 

“You’re not at work,” Bella said.

 

“That’s probably a good thing. I’m not supposed to sleep at work.” Edward yawned and stretched. “I called in.”

 

“I didn’t mean to wake you up. I didn’t know you were here.”

 

The nervousness in her tone made Edward’s stomach ache. He hated the idea that she was afraid of him, even if it was only subconsciously.

 

“You didn’t wake me up. Not really. I’m just being lazy.” He wiped the last of sleep from his eyes and really looked at her, cocking his head when he realized she was wearing a pair of his sweats and a very old, tattered shirt with the NAU logo faded and cracked.

 

“I’m sorry,” she said, tugging on the edge of his shirt. “I know I should have asked. You were asleep, and I was going to wash it before you got home. It’s just that mine were uncomfortable.” She rested a hand over the bump that was noticeable now, if only just a little. At twenty weeks, as slight as she was, it was still easy to miss, but growing.

 

Always growing.

 

Edward offered his hand, and, uncertain, she took it. He drew her closer, and she sat beside him on the couch. “They look much better on you than they do on me,” he said, keeping his voice light as he played with her fingers.

 

In reality, seeing her in his clothes made him strangely happy. It was strange because he’d been up half the night and most of the morning, wracked with anxiety--a terrible churning in his gut that wouldn’t let him relax. He was being dragged like an unwilling sacrifice toward the sacrificial altar, kicking and screaming; digging his heels into the dirt because he didn’t want to do the things he knew he had to, things that were a long time coming. So amidst all that angst, the simple happiness he felt seeing her in his clothes was just a touch surreal.

 

But not unwelcome.

 

“You're beautiful," he said, squeezing her fingers.

 

Her cheeks pinked, and she ducked her head but not before he saw her smile. "I just woke up."

 

"I know." He let his eyes follow the line of her hair, wavy and wild. "You're always beautiful."

 

She looked up at him, her smile shy, and some quiet ache in him was soothed. Since arriving home, he'd been trying to give her space. Obviously, that hadn't worked very well. This tender closeness had worked for them in Forks; maybe it would be okay now.

 

He sighed and leaned in to kiss her forehead. "What do you say you call in sick with my mom today? I thought maybe we could spend the day together."

 

Her lips quirked, and her eyes lit with something that might have been excitement. “Do you have something in mind?”

 

“Mhmm.” He didn’t know why the urge to touch her was so much stronger right then than it usually was. He pressed the pad of his thumb to her chin and traced the shape of her jaw. “I want to take a roadtrip to a few of my favorite places in Arizona.” He let his hand drop back down to his lap. “If you’re up for it. We can get a super-healthy fast food breakfast and get out of here for a while.”

 

Overnight, the house had become oppressive to him. He knew exactly why, though he was doing his best not to think about it moment to moment. Saturday. He would think about it when he had to on Saturday.

 

“Do I get to know where we’re going?” Bella asked.

 

Her playful, if still a little shy, smile did wonders to ease the constant thrum of anxiety beneath his skin. “I’ll tell you if you want, of course. But I’d like it to be a surprise.”

 

She squinted at him.

 

Chuckling, Edward held a hand up in a placating gesture. “Nothing embarrassing. It’s just a day trip. I promise.”

 

“In that case, sure.”

 

Edward vaguely remembered his college days--the last time he’d ever asked a girl on a date. He had a faint memory of the rush of exhilaration when a beautiful woman said yes to him. Just like then, Edward grinned at her acceptance. “Great,” he said, feeling schoolboy foolish.

 

They were both showered and out the door in under an hour. As promised, they had a drive-thru breakfast on the way out of town.

 

Flagstaff was tucked into the middle of the world’s largest Ponderosa Pine forest. It was a mountain town where the temperature got below freezing in the winter and rarely above ninety degrees in the summer.

 

Not that far out of Flagstaff, the towering pine trees gave way to scrub bushes and the deep green of a forest floor of pine needles turned to patches of dirt and grass.

 

As he drove, Edward and Bella chatted as easily as they’d always been able to. The drive wasn’t very long, only about an hour, before they reached their first stop.

 

“Montezuma’s Well?” Bella read the sign as they got off the highway. “That sounds...important.”

 

“It’s a stupid name. Montezuma never came here,” Edward said. “This place doesn’t get as much attention as Montezuma’s Castle, which again has nothing to do with Montezuma. There are cliff dwellings of the Sinagua just few miles that way.” He nodded in the right direction. “We can go there after this if you want, but this might be my favorite place in Arizona.”

 

When they got out of the car, Edward offered his hand to Bella before he thought about what he was doing. It was a natural reaction. Before he could take it back, she slipped her hand in his, smiling again in that way that sent warmth through him.

 

It was odd to share these things with her, especially given some of the things he wanted to say to her today. Odd but also nice.

 

The trail was neither long nor particularly steep. As Edward had suspected, there were only a few other people milling around. Bella didn’t seem interested in reading any of the displays set up by the National Park Service. Instead, she listened intently as Edward gave the little bit of history he knew about the place and a race of people who’d disappeared without a trace.

 

The well itself was pretty but underwhelming. It was a natural sinkhole filled by an underground spring.

 

“This is your favorite place?” Bella asked.

 

She sounded like she was trying hard to understand, but she couldn’t help but be perplexed. Edward smirked. “No. My favorite place is just over here.”

 

He led them down the other side of the trail, out of sight of the well. The trail led them to an oasis of green trees. A creek was visible through the trees a little below the rock, but what made the place truly special was the place where the spring came above ground, hugging the cliffside for a precious few yards before it disappeared into the rocks again. It was a thin rivulet and not very deep. The water was crystal clear.

 

“How pretty,” Bella said, her eyes following the bend of the water along the rock.

 

“Take your sandals off.”

 

Bella looked up at him, arching an eyebrow.

 

“Trust me,” Edward said, kicking his sandals off when she did.

 

“Are we supposed to be doing this?” Bella asked, clinging to his hand as he helped her step into the little space.

 

Strictly speaking, she didn’t need his assistance. The water wouldn’t reach past their ankles and it was literally right beside the trail. But he wanted to steady her, and she didn’t seem to want to protest. “No one’s going to care.”

 

She gasped. “The water’s cold.”

 

“Nice, right?” Edward said, climbing in beside her. The outlet wasn’t big at all. The small space they were in was about the only place two adults could stand together, and they had to be fairly close to each other. “It’s pure water, too. Drinkably clean.”

 

“Except for our dirty feet,” Bella said, laughing. “I like this. It’s like the tiniest, safest river in the world. You can feel the water rushing, but not even a drunken frat boy could drown in this.”

 

“If you ask my mom, I’m sure she has pictures of Alice, Emmett and me playing here.”

 

“I can see that. It’s perfect for kiddos.”

 

Edward’s heart twisted, and a lump rose to his throat. “Yeah,” he said, the word thick. He swallowed several times, fighting the urge to withdraw. The whole point of this little trip was for him to try to open up to her. “I came up here with Kate after we found out she was pregnant,” he said, letting Bella lean on him as she stepped out of the water again. “She never liked it here as much as I did, but that day, she was really excited.” Again, he had to stop to swallow, the words and his lost hopes choking him. “She talked about how a year from then--it was summer then too--we’d have our baby. He’d be seven or eight months old, and we could help him stand in the water.”

 

Bella didn’t say anything, but she threaded their fingers more tightly together and squeezed.

 

It was enough to keep the bitterness inside him from getting too big for him to breathe around. He looked down, not letting go of her hand as he put his sandals back on. “She suggested it once--that we bring him here. I indulged them a lot--Kate and my family, I mean. They were all about giving Xavier as many experiences as we possibly could, but come on--he wasn’t even a year old when he died. He had no concrete memory. If we’d brought him here, he might enjoy the water, but he liked his bathwater, too.”

 

He let go of her. He was getting angry, and he didn’t want to stress her out. He walked a few paces away, trying to calm down.

 

Bella followed him and tentatively put a hand on his back. “I think the point of that wasn’t for him. It was for them and you. You’re the ones who got to keep all those memories. I think she was really asking if you wanted memories of him here.”

 

Edward’s shoulders went rigid, and he had to work to keep his breath even. Guilt coiled in his stomach, but he didn't know what to do with it.

 

"Hey." Bella worked her fingers into his clenched fist. "I think...If maybe you didn't want memories of him here, I think that's okay."

 

"Is it?" he asked; his voice rough as he looked out over the landscape that was usually so peaceful to him.

 

"Yeah." She tugged on his hand. "Most of your memories of him are sad, aren't they? They can be good and sad at the same time."

 

"Good but sad." He huffed. "Some of my memories are good but sad. A lot of them..." He worked to unclench his jaw. "Sad is the best thing I can say about what they were."

 

"I'm sorry." Her hands were soft against his back, pressing against his spine. “I’m sorry your memories hurt so much, but see, that’s why I think it’s okay that you didn’t bring him here. This is your favorite place. It’s not that you didn’t want to share it with your son. I’m sure there were so many things you wanted to share with him that you never got the chance to. Given all that, I think it’d be understandable if you didn’t want bittersweet memories in your favorite place. You want only good memories here.” She ducked her head, stepping in front of him so she could look up into his eyes. “You’re only human.”

 

For a few seconds, Edward was frozen, his body unable to decide just how he wanted to express the excess of emotion roiling in him. Then, he pulled Bella to him, crushing her into a tight hug.

 

“Sorry,” he said, letting her go almost as soon as he hugged her. His reaction had been the polar opposite of gentle, and the last thing he wanted to do was scare her again.

 

“No, it’s okay.” Bella stepped back to him and wrapped her arms around his waist.

 

He sighed, taking her face in his hands so he could look at her. “How do you see these things? How do you find the words?”

 

She looked back at him with eyes that had seen too much, and he had his answer. For the millionth time, he wished so much he could take away the pain that had given her this kind of insight into people. Somehow, he knew she was on the same page, wishing that she could take the bitterness out of his memories and leave only the sweet behind.

 

He looked at her, running his thumb over her lips. This beautiful girl who could put words to the nameless pain of his broken heart. Wasn’t how this had all begun? With this connection to a perfect stranger? Was this what had made him seek her out that night? Not professional admiration, but his soul’s recognition of the one person who would just understand him?

 

With a shuddering breath, Edward closed his eyes. He tilted his head and kissed her. It was a serious kiss, lingering and deep. She whimpered, not in distress, but with a sigh he caught with his mouth. Her body responded, pressing into his, and he held her tighter.

 

In that kiss was another truth--he’d missed her. They may have been in the same house, but for the last three weeks, they may as well have been on different planets. He’d missed holding her like this, touching her. He’d missed the way she felt in his arms.

 

His head spun, and Edward was all too aware of the summer heat on his skin. With a small groan, he pulled away, though he didn’t let her go. Neither did she. They stood together for a minute, still tangled in each other’s embrace.

 

Holy hell, her eyes were chaotic. Lust-dark but confused. Edward licked his lips, resisting the urge to groan.

 

He had the crazy urge to trail kisses in a line to her ear so he could whisper that he wanted her. He did. So much. She was in his head, and it was desire approaching a need to be inside her altogether. That was just symmetry, wasn’t it?

 

Maybe it was lucky that a family with two youngsters came tromping down the steps on the trail just then. Edward took a step back, though he kept his arm around Bella’s waist as they walked again.

 

It only took a few minutes to get back to the car. Rather than open her door for her, Edward pushed her gently up against the car and kissed her again. This kiss was softer--chaster and careful. “For the record, Bella?” He stroked his fingertips along the side of her neck. “I’m glad I got to share this place with you.”

**~0~**

They did end up going to Montezuma’s Castle. There wasn’t much to it. The dwelling was neat to look at, but inaccessible. Walnut Canyon, five minutes outside of Flagstaff, was home to cliff ruins that, while less impressive, were actually accessible. Edward told Bella about a children’s book series he’d read about a kid who’d gone back in time, to the time of his ancestors, and ended up living in the canyon when the cliff-side homes were new.

 

“In the book, they talked about how they hung the umbilical cord at the top of the front door. Like mistletoe or something,” Edward said. “I don’t know why that part creeped me out. I could never go in those ruins without trying to see if there was dried up umbilical cords still hanging up there.”

 

Bella giggled, leaning into his side as they walked along. She sighed and leaned her head against his shoulder. “It’s like having a really big backyard growing up here, isn’t it?”

 

“Mmm. Yeah. Walnut Canyon and Sunset Crater within spitting distance? The Grand Canyon is about an hour away. The Painted Desert. Lake Havasu. Tombstone. They’re all day trips.”

 

“Sounds like fun.”

 

“It was a nice way to grow up.”

 

Bella didn’t say anything to that, but he saw her brush her fingers over her bump. He had the impulse to tell her they would go to all those places. Her, him, and the baby. But the words tangled in his mouth and made his stomach churn.

 

He couldn’t say those words. There were a lot of reasons why he couldn’t say them yet.

 

First steps, he reminded himself as they got back in the car.

 

“What’s next?” Bella asked with an eager smile.

 

“What? That wasn’t enough for you?”

 

Her smile fell, but only slightly. “Oh, yeah. That was great. It’s just barely going to be noon.”

 

“Well, if you’re going to demand more adventure--”

 

“I’m not demanding!”

 

He grinned at her, and she smiled back, both of them teasing. “Okay, you’re right. How do you feel about ghost towns?”

 

She furrowed her brow. “They sound spooky?”

 

“Jerome isn’t spooky.” He cleared his throat and put on what she’d dubbed as his historic-tram operator voice. “Jerome began its life as a mining town. In its heyday, more than 15,000 people lived there. Today, it is America’s largest ghost town at a whopping total of 444 residents.”

 

“And I thought Forks was bad.”

 

“Not to insult your hometown pride or anything, but for being in a place as gorgeous as the Pacific Northwest, Forks is a very ugly little town. It’s just...not picturesque at all.”

 

“Jerome is?”

 

“You’ll see.”

 

Jerome was a town cut into the Black Hills. It made for a pretty picture, and it wasn’t at all rundown. Still, it did have that eerie echo of a city that should have been bustling and simply wasn’t.

 

They had a quick lunch, and then Edward let Bella lead. He was amused when she was drawn to Nellie Bly--a mostly kaleidoscope shop.

 

“What’s so funny?” Bella asked when he snickered.

 

“It’s nothing, really,” he said, somewhat surprised that his memories here didn’t carry any bitterness to them at all.

 

“Tell me,” she said, tugging on his hand.

 

He pursed his lips, considering. It seemed to go against popular wisdom to talk about happier times with his ex-wife when he was with his…

 

His Bella.

 

“It’s just that this was Kate’s favorite place in Arizona. Jerome in general, but this shop in particular.” He watched her as he spoke, though he didn’t know what he was looking for. Jealousy? Discomfort.

 

He saw only curiosity in her eyes. “I can’t blame her. This shop is great.”

 

Edward stood back, enjoying being the casual observer, watching. He covered his mouth to smother a laugh when Bella took one look at the price tag and took a physical step backward, her hands up as though she was sure she was going to break something.

 

They were very fancy kaleidoscopes.

 

After a few minutes, though, she got braver and actually touched several of the kaleidoscopes, running her fingertips along the unique shapes and discs with vibrant colors.

 

Later, when she was distracted at a fake-University novelty t-shirt shop, he ran back a few doors to Nellie Bly and bought one of the ones she’d pointed out to him. She’d been amused because the placard by the thing said the wood used on this particular line came from a shop in the Pacific Northwest. The body of the kaleidoscope was rectangular, each side carved in intricate patterns. The end was simpler--colored glass and anodized wire--but the effect was beautiful.

 

He knew she was going to tell him it was too expensive, but to hell with it. Despite his tension the night before, today had been a good day. A really good day. He was…

 

Happy.

 

If only for these few hours, he was just happy. And buying her this would make him happier, he thought. He didn’t really know. It was an impulse. When was the last time he’d acted on an impulse?

 

Well, probably when he had the impulse to talk to the poet girl who’d been killing him softly.

 

Edward sighed, second guessing the gift as he hid it away in the car. “What are you doing, Cullen?” he muttered to himself. He turned the boxed up kaleidoscope over and over in his hands.

 

Fuck it.

  
Tucking it into a safe corner, Edward closed the trunk and went to go find Bella. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: In case you’re curious, you can do a Google image search for Montezuma’s Well outlet if you want to see the place I wrote about. It’s very cute and peaceful. 
> 
> Thank you to Packy 2.0, songster, barburella, jessypt, myonlyheroin, and Capricorn75. My docs were a real party this time around.
> 
> And again, I want to thank everyone who has left me messages of encouragement It’s been a very difficult time for me, but I think I’m on an upswing now. <3 I’m off to Vegas this weekend with my best friend, so that will help, I hope. Thank you again. You’re all such sweethearts.


	20. Chapter 19 - Remember

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: As per usual, these kids did whatever the hell they wanted to. *dramamatic sigh*

Friday night, Edward brought dinner home after work. Bella thought she might be imagining it, but as they made small talk over their food, he seemed uneasy somehow. Her suspicion grew as he got quieter.

 

“I want to give you something,” he said apropos of nothing, just as she was about to announce she’d lost her appetite. He stood and offered his hand.

 

Bella took it, perplexed, and let him pull her into the living room. “The dishes…”

 

His lips turned up at her words--a small but adoring smile that did wonders to put her at ease. “Don’t worry,” he said. “They’ll still be there in a little while.”

 

She let him pull her into the living room where they sat down on the couch. He took an oblong box--like a necklace box but bigger--and set it in her hands. Brows furrowed, Bella opened it and her eyes went wide. “Edward, this is--”

 

“Don’t say it’s too much.” He laughed. “I knew you would.”

 

Bella gave him a look, but she lifted the kaleidoscope carefully from the box, tracing her fingers over the intricate design etched there. “I…” She looked up at him, out of her depth and clueless. “Why?” She didn’t want to be unappreciative, but she didn’t understand. She couldn’t wrap her head around $200 gifts for special occasions, let alone for nothing at all.

 

His smile was as gentle as his touch when he reached out to run the pad of his thumb along her chin. “Just tell me one thing. Do you like it?”

 

“Yeah,” she said. She wanted to hold the kaleidoscope up to the light and watch the twisting shapes, but she was caught in his stare. Sometimes the way he looked at her left her breathless.

 

His eyes darted down to her lips, and for a second, she was sure he was going to kiss her. Instead, he sighed, dropping his hands to his lap and looking away. “Yesterday was a good day for me.”

 

“It was for me too.”

 

He hummed, his lips tugging upward for a brief moment. “There are a lot of reasons I got this for you. The biggest is really simple. I want you to have it. But I also want you to remember days like yesterday, because you and I…” He looked up and cupped her cheek with a gentle hand. “We don’t get too many happy days, do we?”

 

Bella wasn’t able to answer at first. She leaned her head into his touch, her heart heavy. “I’m sorry,” she said.

 

His brows knitted. “For what?”

 

“I don’t know. For complicating your life.”

 

He huffed, and his fingers traced a line back into her hair. “Bella, I don’t think I had any happy days before you.”

  
Bella didn’t know what to say to that. She looked up into his eyes and knew he wasn’t lying, but she didn’t know how it was possible either.

 

“If anything, it should be me apologizing to you. Weren’t you happy before I came along?”

 

That he’d complicated her life was true beyond a shadow of a doubt, but somehow, Bella hadn’t ever blamed him; not the way she blamed herself. She was the one who made bad choices. She was the one who wasn’t to be trusted. But if she could blame herself for the turn in his life, she could understand why he thought the same. “I was trying to be happy,” she answered. “But…” She struggled to find the words, because she was scared. They were true, but they were frightening. “You make me happy,” she whispered.

 

It was strange. This whole situation, this pregnancy, and the two fucked up people involved in it, had disaster written all over. Yet somehow, with all the odds stacked against them, there were these pockets of something so good, Bella didn’t know how to believe it was real.

 

Edward cupped the back of her head, closing the space between them to kiss her. Bella sighed into his mouth and let her eyelids drift closed.

 

In the two years after Mike was arrested, Bella had been to every kind of therapy, including group. Support groups weren’t the way she healed, but she’d gone dutifully, especially in the early days of her recovery. One thing she heard over and over was what she and her fellow survivors deserved. They deserved fantastic relationships and beautiful lives. They deserved respect and kindness.

 

What no one had ever told her was what a wonderful life and an amazing relationship was supposed to look like. But she was getting older, not younger, and she was well past the point where anyone tried to lead her through life by the hand.   

 

There was so much about her and Edward that made no sense. There were so many flashing lights and warning signs.

 

But then--there was also this.

 

Bella whimpered. Reaching out blindly, she managed to get the kaleidoscope on the solid surface of the coffee table. She scooted closer, pressing herself into all of Edward’s empty spaces. She wrapped her arms around him, her fingers crawling up his back. He made a startled noise that vibrated against her skin, stiffening for a handful of seconds. He pulled back only enough to rumble her name before he claimed her lips again.

 

Yes, there was this. Whatever this thing was that had existed between them since the moment they set eyes on each other. The want she’d felt for him that first night wasn’t meant to last this long. It was supposed to be a one night fling, because depth was the last thing she needed. She was barely putting her life together one tiny piece at a time.

 

But he was there, forever a part of her, and she was tired of second guessing herself. His hands on her body sent thrills down her spine. His kisses sent fire through her blood.

 

“Edward.” She mumbled between kisses that were getting increasingly heated. “I want you.”

 

He pulled back, and took her face between his hands, looking into her eyes. Surprisingly, the moment’s hesitation didn’t make her feel self-conscious. There was no part of her that believed he didn’t want her. This--them--made even less sense for him than it did for her, but he kissed her, and held her, and called her beautiful. Without a doubt, he wanted her, but this could change everything and it could change nothing.

 

To his credit, he didn’t ask if she was sure. He didn’t ask anything. He looked at her and found whatever answers he needed in her eyes before he kissed her again. It was a soft kiss this time, a slow kiss, but a leading one. As he kissed her, he tucked each of his hands under her elbows and pulled her to her feet.

 

They moved in tandem, each wrapping an arm around the other’s waist. Bella rested her other hand on his chest, and he took it, twining their fingers together. Somehow, stepping and stumbling between kisses, they made it up the stairs. Bella grabbed his shirt and pulled him with her as she leaned up against the wall outside his bedroom. He leaned into her, his hands trailing down her sides and up under her shirt, caressing skin. She splayed her hands flat on his chest, feeling his quickened heartbeat beneath her palms.

 

He did make her happy. This made her happy. She felt like she could fly.

 

Instead, she pushed off the wall, pressing into him again. His hand dropped back down to her waist, encircling her, and he pulled her into his bedroom. They kissed their way across the room, peeling off shirts and undoing buttons between pecks. She sat on the edge of the bed, her head tilted up to catch his kisses as he leaned in, his hands on either side of her.

 

When he dropped to his knees, her breath left her in a huff. “No,” she said.

 

He raised his head, his cheeks flushed red and his well-kissed lips parted.

 

Bella swallowed a whimper, this one part frustration and lingering fear. She gripped the sheets in her fists, trying not to get angry that her heart was beating erratically, and visions she didn’t want to taint this room were threatening to overtake her thoughts.

 

Edward kissed her kneecap sweetly and laid his head on her knee, looking up at her. “Tell me what you need.” He stroked his fingers at the back of her ankles--a gesture more soothing than titillating. “Tell me what you want.”

 

She loved him so much in that moment--loved him because of everything he wasn’t and everything he was all at once. She ran a tender hand through his hair, traced the line of stubble at his cheek, and swallowed whatever embarrassment came with having to say what she was about to say.

 

“I don’t want you to try to make me come,” she said, her voice wavering only a little.

 

His eyes narrowed, though he quickly controlled whatever emotion flashed across his face. He didn’t like the idea, and Bella thought she understood why. He wanted her to feel good. She knew this.

 

“I want to feel you,” she said, hoping he understood she could have pleasure even without an orgasm. She wanted his touch--to feel his body on hers, moving with her, inside her. She wanted the intimacy. “I want to be with you.” She just didn’t want to orgasm, and she didn’t want to think about why the idea scared her.

 

Edward pushed up off his knees and sat beside her on the bed. He kissed her tenderly and rested his hand on the swell of her belly, tracing his finger around her belly button with the lightest pressure. She closed her eyes again, her hand resting on his thigh as he let his fingers drift up her body. He undid the clasp of her bra, and she pulled away from him long enough to toss it away from them. Then his thumb was brushing over her nipple and oh, holy god.

 

Bella gasped, sitting bolt upright in shock.

 

“Did I--” Edward started to ask, beginning to pull away.

 

She shook her head. “Sensitive. Just...they’re really sensitive.”

 

He put a hand to her sternum, touching her gingerly. “Good sensitive?” He ran his thumb just under her breast.

 

Bella shivered, strangling a little moan. “Yeah. Yes.”

 

“Hmm.” He ducked his head and kissed her lips. Her throat. Her breast. And then he closed his mouth around one nipple, swirling his tongue over it. Whatever lingering tension remained in Bella’s blood stream drained away. There was no room for nerves or residual fear. Not when this felt so good. She scratched her fingers through his hair, giving herself the time to acclimate to this kind of touch.

 

Nothing to be afraid of here. She wanted him.

 

She did love him. She knew she did.

 

And that made it easy, when he brought his mouth back up to hers, to lay back, safe in his arms. When he tugged at her panties, she lifted her hips, letting him slide them off. Yes, she was scared, but it wasn’t the same kind of fear. It was that delicious kind. That top of the roller coaster kind. That, about to jump out of a plane with only a parachute to save you from the 1,000 trillion metric tons of Earth coming straight at you kind of fear.

 

He rested his hand over her heart. “Are you okay?”

 

She smirked and took his hand, placing it on his chest over his heart, which was beating just as fast as hers. “Are you?”

 

He laughed--a breathy chuckle--and leaned down to kiss her again. His tongue lapped at hers as his hand moved down her body. She tensed a moment when he stroked her clit, but it was only a caress. He curled two fingers up inside her, feeling that she was ready for him.

 

They rolled onto their sides, entangled in each other. Edward hitched her leg up around his waist and guided himself inside her in easy strokes. It was an intimate position, and exactly what Bella wanted. Edward was touchable, and she explored him. She felt the muscles of his shoulders flex as he moved and felt the roll of his spine when her hands fell to the small of his back. All the while, they kissed, trading moans and breathless, murmured words.

 

When he was getting close, Edward rolled again onto his back, grasping her hands to help her balance. It let her set the pace. That, and she could watch his eyes devour her. They were like another set of hands, touching her skin, leaving a trail of painless fire behind. He ran his hands up her sides, and the way he looked at her then made her feel beautiful.

 

She rocked her hips faster, meeting the rhythm of his upward thrust. She gasped at the feel of him, the jolt of unadulterated pleasure that rocked her body. When his eyes flicked to hers, it was as though he had penetrated her again, hitting some place deep inside her with a look just as much as his cock connected them physically. She grabbed at his hands again, suddenly sure she was about to fall. Muscles inside her began to coil, and a wanton moan slipped from her lips.

 

Too much. It was too much.

 

Bella closed her eyes, shutting off that more intense connection. She tightened her walls around him more to take back control of her own body, but it had the opposite effect for him. “Oh god. Please. Please,” he said with a rasp, and Bella smiled at that. She held on to the idea that this pleasure was hers to give, and she liked, in that moment, that he sounded helpless, dependent on her to give him what he needed. She rocked her hips faster, taking pleasure in his gasps and the way he said her name--with reverence.

 

His body bucked, seized, and he cried out his release, trembling and vulnerable beneath her.

 

As she lay down beside him, Bella found herself basking in a very different kind of afterglow than he was. She was just as breathless, and though he might not believe it, just as sated. Oh god, she’d needed that. She needed to know sex could be about give and take. Not that the first time with him had been bad, but this was different. That night, she’d only needed to know that she was capable. Tonight she knew she was powerful.

 

Bella rested a hand on Edward’s chest and snuggled close to him. He turned his head to the side, opening one eye to look at her before he closed it again and chuckled.

 

“What’s so funny?” Bella asked, ridiculously shy despite what they’d done.

 

“You. You look so smug right now.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

He rolled onto his side, tucking his hands beneath his cheek and looking at her, his eyes and smile soft. “Don’t be sorry.” He reached out to brush her hair out of her eyes. “You’re happy?”

 

Bella nodded. She wished she had a basis for normal sex, but she was happy, and she could live with happy. After all, she was already pregnant. It was nice to know with certainty that this time, her choices couldn’t possibly send her life into another storm. This was only about pleasure and the physical expression of all the good things that existed between her and this beautiful, fucked up man.

 

“Good,” he said, skimming his fingers down her cheek. “What are you thinking?”

 

She thought about lying but couldn’t think of what else to say. She raised her hand to trace idle patterns on his hip. “I’m trying not to.”

 

He sighed. “I know the feeling.” He leaned in, pressing a kiss to her forehead with a butterfly’s touch. “Bella...I’m sorry I don’t know how to do this except day by day.”

 

“Don’t be sorry,” she said, echoing his words from just a minute before.

 

Sometimes, she wished he did have the answers, because some part of her thought that he should. It was scary to think she might be thirty-seven and still as lost as she was now. But there was something so comforting about him, familiar.

 

Besides, wasn’t that exactly how she’d gotten so ensnared in Mike’s web? He was the older man who knew better than she did about, oh, everything. He made sure she knew she was the foolish child who needed to be taught. Their whole relationship, she’d worked so hard to catch up, to be more mature. She knew now it was his fault she always failed. He wanted to keep her dependent on him, constantly reaching for a goal that was impossible to attain.

 

No, despite the age gap, and despite the fact he did have many things she didn’t--a steady job and a home--she and Edward were more equals, stumbling through this whole mess together. Neither one of them had answers.

 

A fluttering in her abdomen drew Bella’s attention, and she put a hand to her belly, shivering.

 

They were going to have to figure out some answers sooner than later though.

 

“Are you cold?” Edward asked.

 

Bella nodded because she didn’t want to talk about the thoughts zinging around her head. She was so sick of thinking about Mike, and she was too overwhelmed to think about the baby. So she let Edward pull the blankets around them, and let him draw her back against his chest.

 

This was probably going to trigger a nightmare, but she wanted his arms around her anyway. Cuddling was nice. Intimate skin to skin cuddling was better.

 

“Bella?” Edward said just as she was getting drowsy.

 

“Humm?”

 

She felt him shudder. “Do you want to know the other reason I got that kaleidoscope?”

 

From the uneasy sound of his voice, she wasn’t sure she did. She found his hands and worked her fingers between his. “Tell me.”

 

When he sighed, his breath fell hot on her neck, and she felt him nuzzle her hair. “Because yesterday was a good day, and I want you to remember that.”

 

His arms around her tightened, and he rested his forehead against her hair. “I want you to remember, because I honestly don’t know who I’m going to be tomorrow.”

 

If there was one thing she understood, it was the concept of how one person could be a stranger even to themselves. Even now, after years of therapy, it was difficult for Bella to accept the person she’d been when she was with Mike--a person who would let him do all the horrible things he’d done to her. And the person Edward had met that first night, the person in platform boots and sleek, straightened hair was the person she wished she could be.

  
She shifted in his arms, turning to face him again and kissed the underside of his chin. “You’ll still be you.” She held him close. “And I’ll be there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: SO!
> 
> There’s that.
> 
> Many thanks to songster, barburella, myonlyheroin, and Packy 2.0 for all their love and support.
> 
> How are we doing out there, lovelies?


	21. Chapter 20 - Step

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello, lovelies! I’m off to the school, but I thought I’d leave this for you first.

Edward woke first, when it was too early to consider getting up. He thought about it anyway. Today was going to be hell. Maybe he could get everything over with before Bella even woke up.

It was then that Edward remembered where he was and why he was nude and sticky. He turned his head to the side. Sure enough, Bella was there, still asleep and just as naked.

It took a few minutes for it to sink in that Bella wasn’t sleeping peacefully. She was curled on her side, her features pinched. Her lips moved, talking in her sleep.

“I didn’t mean it,” she said.

Edward scrubbed a hand over his eyes, wondering if he should wake her up. It wasn’t a full blown nightmare--not like the awful ones that usually plagued her when they were this close. He shifted onto his side, and she flinched.

There should be some kind of biological law that there could be only one crisis at a time. What he wanted was to take this beautiful woman in his arms and get answers to all the heartbreaking questions he had.

In Washington, she’d said he was the only one she’d ever chosen to sleep with. Considering she’d been in a relationship with a man she thought loved her, Edward wanted to understand exactly what that meant. He wanted to know why she didn’t want to orgasm.

He wanted to know these things because he wanted to keep her in his bed. That was what he wanted to revel in, to deal with. That idea was more than enough to deal with, in and of itself. It had been almost half his life ago that he’d last tried to figure out how to ask a woman to be his.

It was frightening, though not exactly shocking, that he was thinking along those lines. It made all the sense in the world and yet no sense at all. They were both broken.

Bella whimpered in her sleep and rolled onto her back restlessly. The blankets fell down, exposing her breasts. Despite his heavier thoughts, Edward felt a rush of warmth, remembering how responsive she was when he’d touched her the night before. For a fraction of a second, he considered waking her with his mouth over her nipple and his fingers inside her, but he knew better. She still looked troubled. She was probably dreaming of a man whose touch she feared.

Besides, he knew he was just stalling. There was no part of him that wanted to face today.

Maybe things had changed. If he and Bella were in the same bed, was it necessary to clean out the other room?

Beside him, Bella sighed and wiggled. The blankets fell down a little more so they hugged her bump. Edward breathed in slowly and reached out to pull the blankets up again.

Even if Bella didn’t need that room, someone else would soon enough.

A surge of fury went through him, protective and feral. This was the part of him that reared its ugly head, resistant to the idea of change. Change for anyone could be scary, but this...

Since Bella had told him she was pregnant, he'd known this day would come. It was never going to be something he could put off until the baby was born. Whether or not he could deal with it, he and Bella needed to have answers well before then.

Starting with this.

Edward got out of bed, careful not to wake Bella, thinking again about getting it over with. All things considered, there wasn’t much to clean out. Maybe he could spare Bella the worst of his reaction.

He got as far as the closed door before his his mouth went dry and his step faltered. No. He pressed a hand to the door and, not for the first time, imagined what it might have looked like if his eleven-year-old son lived here. Would this door still be closed to him--his sullen pre-teen moodily yelling at him to keep out? Exerting his need for freedom? Would there be posters, signs, and stickers on the door?

His fingers trembled. He leaned his forehead against the door and closed his eyes, reaching for his cell phone in his robe. He called his family--not because he needed them, but because he didn’t think Bella should have to deal with him alone.

Unfortunately, his family hadn’t arrived by the time Bella surprised him. He was still standing, his hand resting on the doorknob, lost in memories, when she put her hand against his back. Edward jumped at her touch, but he bit his tongue before he could yell at her to go away. Just go away. He didn’t want to have to deal with her right now. This time, this space, didn’t belong to her. He curled his hand into a fist on the doorknob, his jaw tensed as he waited for whatever meaningless comfort she was going to offer.

Bella said nothing. She rested her head between his shoulder blades and wrapped her arms loosely around his waist. She didn’t push him, didn’t move her hand to open the door herself; she simply stood there, lending him her considerable strength.

He thought he could feel the hardness of her belly even between his robe and hers.

It struck him then that it had been a very long time since he’d had a partner in life--someone to help carry the burden. A different kind of guilt twisted inside him. He’d had a partner once, and he’d failed her. But he was already wracked with guilt. Guilt, trepidation, fury, impotence. What he felt about Kate was the maelstrom in his head picking up a little more debris.

Edward took a deep breath, putting one hand to hers at his waist and twisting the knob with the other.

With his eyes closed, it was the scent of the room that hit him first. It was the musty-attic smell of a space that hadn’t been used in a long time. The windows hadn’t been opened. The surfaces hadn’t been dusted, and the spiderwebs hadn’t been cleared away in years. It was the smell of unfulfilled purpose.

He heard Bella draw in a breath, and he opened his eyes.

In his memories, he remembered sitting in this room when the walls were bare and the room was empty. He and Kate had paint samples all around them as they debated blue versus purple. The green they’d finally chosen had seemed so soothing then. Now, the color was lackluster, the shine gone. The monkey decals were peeling off in places. The crib, the mobile, the shelves of toys and books--all of them seemed strangely dilapidated. Broken.

Appropriate.

“You can tell me,” he said, his voice surprising both of them if the way Bella jerked was any indication. His mouth was so dry, the words came out as a croak.

“What do you want me to tell you?” Bella asked, her tone gentle.

“The things they alway say in movies. This is a tomb. Something like that. All his toys. His clothes. His crib.” Edward forced himself to look at the crib where he’d watched his son sleep so many heartbreaking nights, watched his chest rise and fall, watched his breath wheeze. “The sheets he slept on.”

Edward sat down in the doorway, crossing his legs and slumping over with his elbows on his knees. He stared at the room and just hurt. “It’s wrong, isn’t it? You can tell me.”

Bella knelt at his side, and to his surprise, she wrapped her arm around him. “I don’t think it’s wrong.”

He huffed. “It’s been ten years. I don’t think I’ve opened this door in at least seven. Tell me it’s psychotic.”

Emmett had told him something along those lines more than once.

“I think there are much worse ways to be psychotic than not packing up your son’s nursery.” She rubbed his back like he’d done so many times for her. “Edward, if you don’t want to do this, I’d understand. It was just the tension that was getting to me. We talked about that.”

Tempting. So very tempting. There wasn’t much he wanted more than to close the door again. This room had too many memories. He looked to the rocking chair, remembering rocking Xavier the night they brought him home from the hospital--just him and his boy and the dream of all the days to come.

He closed his eyes again and turned his head, bumping his forehead with hers. He raised a hand, cupping her cheek and feeling her soft hair beneath his fingertips. When he opened his eyes again, seeing her instead of the room, the lump in his throat was small enough that he could speak. He put one arm around her, cuddling her close, and rested his other hand on her belly. He stroked his thumb over the bump. “Bella, don’t let me off the hook.” He spread his hand wide over their baby, ignoring that damn voice in his head, screaming in outrage because sitting here, outside Xavier’s nursery, this felt like a betrayal. “He…” Edward bit the inside of his cheek, trying to beat back his emotions. “He or she needs you to be strong when I can’t.”

Sighing, he kissed her cheek once, twice. “I swear I’m trying, but please don’t go easy on me. This is too important.” He felt the tremor that went through her and held her close. “I’m sorry. I wish I was stronger. For both of you.”

She took a shaky breath and ducked her head, her nose tickling his neck. “No. You were strong for me when I couldn’t be.” She took his hand over her belly. “We’ll be strong for each other.”

Despite himself, Edward’s lip quirked up at the corner. He hugged her tightly, both of them rocking ever so slightly. After a moment, she pulled back and kissed him softly. “I’m going to take a shower.”

She was giving him space, and Edward couldn’t say he didn’t need it. She leaned on him as she climbed to her feet and ruffled his hair once before she walked back down the hallway to his room. He watched her go until she was out of sight. Then, he turned again toward the room.

For ten years, Edward had relived the agony of his son’s death every single day. His heart was wounded, forever broken and bleeding. Why was this worse? Why did it hurt so much more, as though the wounds were fresh, the skin not even beginning to scab?

Edward bowed his head and threaded his fingers through his hair. It was a strange place to be--wanting what limited memories of his son he had and yet…

The days and nights he spent in this room, wondering if today was the day his baby boy was going to go to sleep and never wake up had been impossible to live through the first time. He’d almost forgotten this feeling--like something with big talons had a hold on his lungs and it was squeezing and shredding.

He gritted his teeth, but the tears came anyway.

**~0~**

For the most part, Edward was quiet as he worked. His parents were there with him and Jasper, but Alice and Emmett had absconded somewhere with Bella. It was for the better. The tension in the room was putting everyone on edge.

“God dammit,” Edward said, pushing the crib away. He was supposed to be disassembling it, but all that was happening was him getting increasingly more frustrated as he remembered how happy he was when he put the damn thing together.

It had been such a great day. Emmett was still his best friend, and he leant his expertise in crib assembly. He’d teased Edward, but he was proud too and excited to be the uncle for once.

Edward kicked the crib, angry at the world.

“Why don’t you let me do that?” Jasper said, moving to Edward’s side.

“Yeah. You’ll do this. Mom is packing up all the clothes. Dad is clearing the shelves. I know what you’re all doing.”

His parents set down what they were doing and went to him, each of them putting a hand on his shoulder. Esme rubbed his back.

“I know this is hard,” Carlisle said.

Edward wrested his away from their touch, moving to the other side of the room and ripping one of the wall hangings off. “You have no fucking idea what this is.”

Carlisle didn’t argue, but he reached out for Edward again. “Okay, how about this. I can see it’s painful, but it will help you heal.”

Edward flung the wall hanging across the room and whirled on his father. “I don’t want to heal!”

The other three in the room stared, and Edward had to look away. He wanted to hold on to his anger, but it was threatening to slip. He needed it if he was going to get through this. He needed it, because if he wasn’t angry, he was going to start putting everything back, wrestling with them, trying to keep what they were trying to take from him. He wanted everything back in place--the crib with its bright bedding, the toys on the shelves, most of which Xavier never got to play with, the tiny clothes back in the dresser and hanging in the closet.

And he wanted his baby boy, with his coos and his chubby cheeks, pink and healthy, nestled here with all his things.

He leaned against the dresser, fingering a collection of bibs and onesies with cute sayings on them. “I know what happens when people heal,” he said, his voice raw. “Healing means forgetting.”

“You’re never going to forget, Edward,” Esme said in a heartbroken whisper. “None of us are ever going to forget him.”

“No. We won’t forget everything.” He swallowed hard. “But we won’t remember everything either.”

“But to keep living like this?” Carlisle said.

“Not living, more like,” Jasper said, not unkindly.

“You’ve surrounded yourself in memories of Xavier for so long. I can’t imagine how that badly that must hurt,” Carlisle said.

“What the fuck does that matter?” Edward asked, his tone full of venom. “I saw what that fucking disease did to my baby, and I couldn’t help him. What the hell is this pain to that?”

“Edward--”

“I don’t want to heal,” Edward repeated. “I don’t want it because it’ll mean I have to stop replaying all my memories. I’ll lose them, and they’re all I have left of him.” He gripped a handful of his son’s onesies, his jaw clenched. “I don’t fucking want to get better.” He threw the clothes at Jasper, furious. “I don’t want to live again, not if it means I’ll forget the details of his face and how it felt to hold him in my arms. I don’t fucking want to shut this all away and forget what it sounded like when he called me ‘da’.” He threw another handful of clothes at his father. “I don’t want to heal because the pain might get better, but I would lose him. I would lose him.”

His fury drained away and he squatted, threading his fingers through his hair and tugging. He breathed raggedly, in dragging gasps.

When his father and mother knelt on either side of him, hugging him between them, he let go. He turned into his father’s embrace and buried his head at his shoulder, sobbing inconsolably. He felt his mother behind him, her words soft in his ear.

He wanted to scream out the terrible rage inside of him. Heal and lose Xavier’s constant presence in his life? It was a blasphemy. Why should he heal? So he could give this new baby the love and attention it deserved from its pathetic father? Xavier got eleven months of life, most of which he spent fighting. For what? So his mother could heal--forget the tiny details of his face, his laugh, his babbling so she could move on? And now his father was trying to do the same. What the hell kind of justice was that?

Edward didn’t want to give this new baby all the things Xavier would never have.

He sobbed in fear now, clutching his father tighter and wishing like hell he could be a little boy again. He remembered a time when he woke from nightmares, and he was small enough for Carlisle to gather him up and surround him protect him from all the bad things in the world.

Because even more terrible than replacing Xavier in all the hopes and dreams he once had for his child was the idea of losing another one. There was no reason to think he would have to watch another of his children die, but then, there’d been no reason to think Xavier would die. It was the unpredictability of life, and lightning did strike twice on occasion. There was no guarantee. So if he opened his heart, if he let himself dream and plan, if he let himself love this baby and he lost it…

No, he couldn’t go through that kind of pain again. Not again.

He cried until his throat was hoarse and his eyes ached. His body sagged--he had no strength left to hold himself up. His sobs had diminished to hiccups. He just hurt.

Eventually, Jasper supported him, pulling him to his feet, and the three of them led Edward back to his room. They helped him lay down--someone took off his shoes and someone else tucked the blankets around him. Carlisle and Esme hugged and kissed him.

“Mom,” he said, his voice a rasp.

She sat on the edge of the bed, running her fingers through his hair.

Edward didn’t look at her. He stared straight forward, trying to remember how to breathe through serrated lungs. “Will you finish it?”

Her hand faltered but only for a heartbeat. “Of course, sweetheart.”

Edward closed his eyes. He slept.

When he woke again, the light from the windows was weak. The house was quiet. It took him a few seconds to realize he’d stirred because the bed dipped.

Bella touched his shoulder with a light hand--not to wake him but to test. Edward didn’t move. She climbed under the covers and pressed her chest to his back. When he still didn’t protest, she wrapped her arm around his waist. He felt her lips on his shoulder.

**  
Closing his eyes again, Edward let Bella hold him.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So many thanks to all the lovely women who put up with me.


	22. Chapter 21 - Live

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Quick note to the readers of my other fics--I’ve been pretty sick since Tuesday. I’m finally feeling human today, and I wasn’t about to argue with whatever my fingers wanted to write (I can’t STAND not writing for a day, let alone DAYS on end, ack!). Now that this is out of my system, I’ll get my other little duckies in a row. Promise!
> 
> I have a genuinely curious question for those of you who feel like Edward’s family shouldn’t have let him get this bad...how DOES one stop someone else from drowning in their grief, if that’s what they want to do? What are the steps. I’m curious how you force someone to heal. It would be a neat trick to have in my repertoire.

Before they left, Edward’s family all hugged Bella, and his parents thanked her. She didn’t understand what for. All she knew was Edward was hurting worse than ever, and she couldn’t help but feel it was partially her fault.

 

Esme hugged her again. “He’s finding his way back to us. He’s not a living ghost anymore. Life hurts. He’ll heal. We can help him heal if he’s here with us again. So thank you for that chance.”

 

Bella wanted to tell them all she’d done was get pregnant.

 

Now, she woke up alone again, and again she knew exactly where to find Edward. That morning, the door to the spare room was open, and she didn’t know what to expect as she walked toward it. What she did find broke her heart, as anticlimactic as it should have been.

 

Edward was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the now-empty room. He was just sitting. Not crying, just staring blankly with a look that suggested he wasn’t really seeing anything. Bella leaned against the door jamb, wondering if she should leave him alone. She wondered if this was how it began for his family--them watching him, not knowing whether to push or leave him alone to process.

 

“Do you want me to leave?” she asked.

 

If he was surprised to hear her voice, he didn’t show it. He also didn’t answer, but after a long moment, he raised his hand toward her without looking up. When Bella took it, he pulled her toward him and stretched out his legs, helping her sit between them. Bella closed her eyes, not knowing whether she should feel relieved when he wrapped his arms around her and rested his head on her shoulder.

 

It was still a full two minutes before he spoke and even then it was in a whisper against her ear. “Please don’t ask me to talk yet. There are things in my head I don’t want you to hear.” His hands found hers, and he began to play with her fingers. “I promise I’m trying.”

 

Bella snuggled back against him, hoping he knew his silence was fine by her. She understood that kind of silence, when there were things in her head too terrible to voice to anyone. Bella found she always had words to explain the twisted way she was feeling, even at her darkest moments. The trouble was, those words didn’t make sense in the rational world. They only made sense in the warped world that was only her reality.

 

So she turned her head to kiss his hair and let him hold her.

 

“Can I make you breakfast?” she asked after a long time. “Maybe oatmeal with brown sugar and bananas.” Morning comfort food. Something warm to stick to his cold insides.

 

He hummed his assent but tightened his arms around her, swaying them a few more times before he let her go.

**~0~**

The silence wasn’t awkward. In fact, as days turned into a week, Bella got used to interacting quietly. After all, Edward never tried to push her away. He texted her when he was at work to make sure she was okay with his mother or whatever she was up to that day. They took turns making dinner and watched TV together. More often than not, when he went to sit in the bare room that used to belong to his son, Bella sat with him.

 

It was late morning on a Saturday. Bella was laying on the floor of the spare room, staring up at the ceiling. She was running the tips of her fingers in light motions over her belly, feeling the occasional flutter of the baby moving. School was going to start again soon. Time passed like nothing.

 

Bella was startled when Edward, who had been a virtual statue for almost half an hour, got up and all but bolted out of the room. She only hesitated a few seconds before she followed him. He wasn’t difficult to find. She heard a crash and walked faster down the hallway to his room.

 

“Edward?”

 

He was in his closet, balanced on one of the small shelves that probably wasn’t designed to hold a full grown man, rummaging around the top shelf. He tossed things down, grunting in frustration.

 

“Edward?”

 

“There it is.” He jumped back down, clutching something to his chest.

 

He looked down at it, turning it over several times in his hands. His eyebrows were knitted, and Bella heard the hitch in his breath. She stepped carefully to his side and put a hand to the small of his back, waiting.

 

She didn’t have to wait long. He slung an arm around her waist and sighed. They walked together to his bed and sat with a thin album in his lap. It was decorated in a rocking horse and rubber ducky pattern, as though Bella needed more evidence of what it was.

 

It took Edward several tries before he could find the words. “I know my mother has shown you pictures of Xavier, but…”

 

“These are yours.”

 

“My favorites.” Edward ran his fingers over the cover. “And Kate’s.”

 

Bella reached out to hold his free hand. “No one knew him like you two.”

 

He swallowed a few more times, his fingers shaking only a little as he opened the album.

 

The first photo took Bella by surprise. Not because of the content, but because of the jealous emotion that tugged at her. It was a ridiculous fantasy, of course. After Mike, when she imagined what her life could be, she imagined exactly this photo.

 

It was a picture of Edward and Kate. She looked to be about as far along as Bella was now. She was standing, looking down with love and adoration. Edward was on his knees, his ear against her bare belly, staring up with the same expression.

 

Sometimes Bella wished with everything in her that this baby had been conceived just as Xavier had been-by two parents who were in love and committed and trying to get pregnant. But that wasn’t her baby’s reality, and this wasn’t about her baby.

 

So she listened.

 

For almost two weeks.

 

Little by little, story by story, Edward told her about Xavier.

 

He told her about what it was like to be twenty-four, in love, and on top of the world. They wanted everything, and they had no reason to think they wouldn’t get it.

 

“We got pregnant the second month Kate was off birth control,” he said with a huff. “We led charmed lives.”

 

While Kate was pregnant, they discussed everything they thought could come up. They talked about what they would do if their baby had some kind of disability. If it was an intersexed child. Had a cleft lip. They talked about what they would do if their little girl wanted to dress up as Spiderman or their little boy wanted to wear princess dresses.

 

And they dreamed endlessly about all the things they would get to show their baby.

 

Edward told Bella about the day he was born and the blur of weeks afterward. How he couldn’t get over the way the baby fit, his head and tiny bottom cupped in Edward’s hands. He remembered being so tired and yet so over the moon in love with his baby boy.

 

He talked about watching his baby grow, begin to hit milestones. There were so many pictures of Xavier after he started smiling--he had Edward’s gorgeous smile. He lifted his head. He pushed up from the playmat during tummy time. He rolled over. He sat up on his own.

 

Then his diagnosis and milestones stopped being important. He would be too weak to do things like walk and throw a ball and fit a square peg in a square hole all his life.

 

The change in the pictures was profound. In them, Xavier went from being a chubby baby with pink cheeks, vivacious even in a still image, to a sickly, withering thing almost always laying sleepily in someone’s arms. There were still smiles, still pictures where he reached out with curious, grabby hands to explore something, but there wasn’t any energy in his tired face.

 

And with his decline, Bella could actually see the light drain from Edward’s eyes. It was painful to watch, even in pictures, but Bella stayed mostly quiet, letting Edward talk. Good memories. Great ones. Beautiful moments. And with them, all the maddening, terrifying, heartbreaking moments that came along with watching a sick child die, taking the bright hopes and dreams of a bright life with him.

 

When most parents wanted to give their children everything, could there be a worse helplessness than that of a parent who couldn’t even give their child a day without pain and struggle?

 

The last photo in the album was Edward and Xavier. They were both asleep in Edward’s bed, the baby curled on his chest. The way Edward had his arms around his baby boy suggested if he could, he’d tuck him under his skin where he would be safe forever.

 

“That was the last photo anyone took of Xavier,” Edward said, tapping a finger restlessly on the page. “No one felt like taking a photo those last few days. He wasn’t himself.” He took a shaky breath. “That might seem like a stupid thing to say. He was a baby.”

 

“No,” Bella said, tightening her arm around him, stroking his side. “That’s not what you told me. He was bright and strong and adventurous and sweet. He loved his Ma, his Da, and his baby blue blanket.”

 

Edward closed his eyes. “I buried my baby,” he said, his voice low and rough. “Nothing should be harder than that.” The tears that had gathered at the corners streaked down his cheeks, and Bella brushed them away with gentle strokes. She ran her fingers through his hair and rubbed his back. He tried and failed to keep his emotions in check, instead turning to cry quietly against her shoulder. Bella didn’t even try to think she could say anything. She understood loss and pain, but not like this.

 

She hoped she could never understand this kind of torment.

 

But she could be strong enough for both of them for a few minutes.

 

Edward didn’t break down. It was just an excess of emotion. He needed a few minutes to collect himself. He was calm again quickly, but he didn’t pull away. He did lift his head, and when he did, she took his face in her hands, wiping away the remnants of his tears.

 

When Bella met his eyes, she was struck by the expression there. Yes, she saw what she expected to see--the remnants of the agony of his memories--but there was something else there as well, something she didn’t know how to read. He ran his fingers from her hairline, down the line of her cheek, to her neck. She wondered if he could feel the quickened pace of her pulse.

 

He leaned in and kissed her. It was a soft kiss, so tender. He pulled back, looking at her again, and there was something so needy in his eyes. His next kiss was seeking, begging really, but his touch was reverent as his fingers traced the lines of her body.

 

Bella thought she understood what he was asking. It made sense. She wasn’t oblivious to what these last three weeks had meant, what Edward was doing. He was trying to heal, trying to let go of his grief. He was trying to live again, and after so long of merely surviving, it must have been the most terrifying thing in the world. He wanted the comfort of arms around him, skin against his, and the permission to disappear into something not so overwhelming.

 

Because she loved him and because she knew he would never take what he wanted without her permission, Bella was willing. More than willing. Edward had slept with her, always had an excuse to touch her, had held her, but he’d been so far away these last three weeks. She wanted him close, wanted him with her.

 

She would deal with her own fright about that later.

 

Kissing him, she cupped a hand around his neck, and brought him down with her on the bed. She let him lead, let him kiss her as long as he wanted, let him feel the lines of her body. They took off their shirts and kissed, traded more kisses as they unbuttoned and unzipped and tugged and pulled until they were both out of their clothes.

 

Edward supported his weight, bearing down on her slowly, waiting for her to tell him if she was uncomfortable. She wasn’t. She pulled him closer until all his weight was on her and she could feel every line of him as he moved inside her.

 

It was good and slow and life-affirming, and Bella felt warm as she lay beside him. He kept her in the circle of his arms, tucking her hair back behind her ear. He was watching her with that same expression as before, the one she couldn’t read. It was the kind of look that left her breathless, but not in a bad way. It was-

 

“I love you,” he said.

 

Oh.

 

Oh.

 

That was what it looked like when a man looked on her with love, with true adoration.

 

He traced the pad of his thumb over her cheeks, her lips. “Thank you for being so patient with me. I’m trying to figure this all out, Bella. I am.”

 

She scratched the skin behind his ear, smiling because she was just as out of sorts as he was. “I know,” she said. “I’m here.”

**~0~**

“We should go to the Grand Canyon this weekend,” Edward said as they washed dishes together one evening. “Not necessarily for the big hole in the ground.”

 

“Oh, yeah. The big hole in the ground is probably not the main attraction there.”

 

“I’m not saying I wouldn’t enjoy it. It’s a beautiful place. But I’ve had a craving for Navajo Fry Bread.”

 

She laughed. “This is Flagstaff. You can get fry bread practically whenever you want.”

 

“I know, but the best fry bread is at this place not too far from the Desert View Tower viewpoint, which makes my top ten favorite places of Arizona list.”

 

“Sounds like a worthwhile trip. Fry bread and nice vi---agh!” Stepping in soapy water, Bella’s feet slid forward out of her control. She scrambled, her arms flailing wildly, but she lost that battle and fell to the floor hard on her back.

 

“Bella.” Edward was kneeling at her side in an instant, his voice and expression frantic. “Bella, shit, are you okay?” He looked terrified when Bella could only wheeze. “Can you breathe?”

 

“I, uh…” She took a deep breath, waving a hand to get his attention. “I’m fine. Just got the breath knocked out of me.”

 

“Are you sure? Do you hurt anywhere?”

 

“Well, yeah, but you know, just the whole impact with the floor kind of hurt. Nothing stabby.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

She caught his hand as he checked her over. “I’m okay,” she said, catching his eyes.

 

That seemed to calm him down. He looked a little sheepish as he helped her to a sitting position. He sat too, his back against the counter, and brought her to lean against him. “Just sit a minute. Catch your breath.”

 

That sounded like a great idea, so Bella didn’t argue. She rested against his chest, her eyes closed as her breath slowed, and enjoyed the feel of his soothing hands massaging the small of her back.

 

She sucked in a sharp breath and felt the jolt that went through his body. “Bella? Are you--”

 

“I’m fine,” she said with a laugh before he could panic again. “Just the baby must have had a rush of adrenaline too. She’s moving like crazy all of a sudden.”

 

Edward didn’t say anything at first. Close as he was, she could hear the thick way he swallowed. “Show me,” he said, bringing his hand around cup her belly.

 

Often, especially since they’d begun sharing a bed, Bella had wondered if Edward could feel it when the baby moved. She didn’t want to push him, and if he felt it, he’d never said.

 

She took his hand and moved it to where their baby, their daughter, seemed to be kicking up a storm. She pressed both her hands down over his, not realizing how badly she wanted him to feel this with her until that moment.

 

His chest rose and fell beneath her back. She could feel his heartbeat.

 

After a few moments, Edward began to move his hands. He caressed her through her shirt at first but soon enough pulled her shirt up so he could feel the bump skin to skin. He touched her like she touched herself sometimes--as though he found the taut protrusion fascinating and beautiful. Always his hands returned to where the fluttering kicks were, and Bella dared to hope.

 

Bella was startled when Edward broke the silence that had come over them. “After Xavier died, Kate…” He breathed in and out slowly. “I told you once that we divorced because I wasn’t a very good husband for her and she wasn’t a very good wife for me. Well, what she did… It was two months after Xavier was gone that she told me she wanted another baby. She said it wasn’t about replacing him. Nothing could do that. She said there was a hole inside her, and that wasn’t ever going to be filled. But her arms also felt empty, and that she could do something about. We’d just started trying for a second baby when we found out Xavier was sick. He was always supposed to have a younger brother or sister.”

 

He was quiet for another minute, his hands still roaming her bump, cupping their daughter through Bella’s skin. Bella closed her eyes and waited.

 

“But all those things Xavier never got to do… I didn’t want to do those things with another baby.”

 

Bella’s breath caught in her throat, and she felt tears spring to her eyes. There was no part of her that wanted to hear this conversation.

 

Edward didn’t let her go. He got up, helping her to her feet as well, but he kept her anchored when she tried to step away. He kept his hands at her waist and his head tilted against her forehead, his breath as uneven as hers. Bella pressed her lips into a thin line and waited, afraid to say anything.

  
Edward didn’t speak. Instead, he sunk to his knees again. To her everlasting surprise, he laid his head against her belly, his arms circling her waist. He hugged her, hugged both of them, and then he lifted his head, kissing her belly and their daughter for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to the lovely ladies who support me and put up with my impatience.
> 
> *blows kisses at you*


	23. Chapter 22 - Want

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Quick note because I know a number of you were confused. Around three weeks passed last chapter, which would put Bella around 23-24 weeks pregnant. In that time period, she had a sonogram. No, you didn’t miss it. I didn’t show it. Edward was there and supportive, but this was during the time he was trying to process and let go of his grief. There wasn’t anything you would have wanted to hear during that scene, trust, so I didn’t write it.

Very few methods of announcing something were more effective than hanging an unobtrusive image in his office at work.

Bella had given him one of the sonogram images weeks before. He’d kept it in a drawer at his office. When he got to work that Monday morning, he propped the thing up just below his monitor. All of twenty minutes later his assistant noticed, and his eyes nearly popped out of his head. Within an hour, people were making excuses to visit his office.

When, Edward wondered, had he turned himself into such a freak show? He understood why it was such a novelty. Sullen Cullen. They all knew his story. When he’d started at the company he’d been a fresh-faced newlywed, a novice with pictures of his beautiful wife and adoring family all over his tiny cubicle. There were people at the company who’d clapped him on the back when they found out his wife was expecting and who’d stopped and listened good naturedly to his endless fascination with fatherhood after his baby was born.

Of course, they were the same people who welcomed him back with sincere condolences when he returned from his leave of absence after his son died. They were the people who had watched him throw himself into his work. He had a huge office now, but it was barren. Newer employees eventually asked why he never smiled, and they were told the whole sordid tale--whatever warped version of it had been passed on by that point anyway. Edward had heard several variations as the story was retold.

So he supposed he understood their curiosity at this newest addition to the otherwise blank canvas of his wallspace. He wondered who would be brave enough to attempt the awkward conversation first.

In the end, it was his boss. Alistair Masters strode into his office a little before noon and sat down. He was a quiet man but very direct. He leaned forward in his seat and reached out for the sonogram. “May I?” he asked.

A nervous energy twisted in the pit of Edward’s stomach. He nodded. Alistair picked up the sonogram. It was a double picture--one of a side view of the baby, the typical blurry baby shape, and the other a picture with the pertinent bits circled in red.

“It’s a girl,” Alistair said.

Edward nodded.

“Yours?”

Edward nodded again.

Alistair studied him a moment before he smiled. “Congratulations.”

Edward felt his lips tug up at the corner. Before he knew it, he was grinning broadly. It took him a few confused seconds to identify the rush that went through him as excitement. With Alistair’s simple acknowledgment, he remembered why babies were supposed to be a good thing.

“Thank you,” he said

~0~

What a strange thing love was.

When Edward was in his twenties, love made sense. Kate was gorgeous--electric. She was smart, and they were well-matched. They had a beautiful life together, but love wasn't strong enough to save their marriage. It wasn’t enough to help them ease the pain of their grief together.

Now love made no sense at all. Oh, Bella was beautiful. She was smart and strong. She was also twenty years old and barely figuring herself out. And he was in love with her. A head over heels, intense love he hadn’t experienced before.

More than that, he was well aware he hadn’t begun to let himself heal for his daughter’s sake. No. It was his love for Bella that had touched him in that hollow pit that used to hold his warm, beating heart. It seemed wrong he couldn’t get better for his wife and yet for this girl…

A few weeks ago, when his mother had first told him she thought Bella was bringing him back to life, she’d said, “If life was fair and everything happened as we intended, you and Bella would never have met. It’s because the world isn’t fair that you make sense. You still deserve to be happy, Edward, and someone should teach that poor girl she deserves to be cherished.”

Now, Edward leaned against the wall, watching Bella as she made dinner. She wasn’t aware he’d come home, and she hummed to herself, shimmying a bit. It was a nice thing to come home to.

She was supposed to move back into the dorms in a few days.

Edward pushed off the wall and went to her. She gasped but quickly relaxed as he wrapped his arms around her. He splayed his hands over her belly and smiled against her hair. “How’s my baby today?”

The words still sounded awkward in his mouth, but the pain that twisted in his gut was bearable. Bella turned her head, obviously still a touch surprised by this change in him. She studied him, and smiled, pressing up on her tiptoes to kiss him. “She’s fine.”

“And you?”

“Fine.” She put her hand to his cheek. “How was work?”

His lips twitched. “Interesting.” He took her hand from his cheek and kissed her knuckles before he dropped it to the side. “Come talk with me.”

“But dinner…”

She looked sheepish, and he chuckled. “You’re right,” he said. “I know better than to stand between a pregnant woman and dinner.”

Her cheeks flushed, and she elbowed him playfully. He let her go. “Can I help?” Edward asked.

“I have it under control.” She stepped back to the stove. “Can you talk while I cook?”

Edward pulled a chair out from the kitchen table, spun it around, and sat. “I think I can handle that.” He rested his chin on the back of the chair, watching her again. “Bella, how do you really feel about going back to the dorms? Is that what you want?”

She faltered a moment in what she was doing but recovered. “The dorms were never my favorite place,” she said, her tone quiet as she stared into the pot she was stirring. “The hallways are crowded, and people have personal space issues.” She looked over her shoulder, giving him a smile that was weak at best. “It’s just a place to live, you know?”

Edward remembered Jasper telling him how quiet Bella was around the other students. She tried so hard not to let the aftereffects of what Mike had done control her. “Bella, I’d really like it if you’d consider staying here with me instead of in the dorms. At least, I think it’d be better to be some place less hectic.”

“You worried I’m going to take the baby to a kegger?” she asked, though her voice was too shaky to convey the proper humor.

“You’ll be twenty-one in a few more weeks, after all,” he said, teasing to lighten the heavy mood that had come over them.

For a few long seconds, she kept her eyes studiously on the pot, as though stirring it took all her concentration. She cleared her throat. “I think I’ve crowded you for long enough.”

“You’re not crowding me.” Edward tapped his foot in a restless, nervous tempo. There was a lot he wanted to say, but he opted for the rational first. “I know we haven’t talked about the future, and that’s my fault. I’ve been dealing with all of this one day at a time. That wasn’t fair to you, and you’ve been patient with me long enough.”

At that she finally glanced at him, meeting his eyes. “It’s been a one day at a time thing for me, too.”

“But that kind of planning isn’t going to cut it for very much longer.”

She pushed the pot off the burner and leaned against the counter. She looked at him again, uncertainty in her eyes. "What do you really want?"

That was a loaded question, and the answer was difficult to articulate. There was still that part of him that resisted. It was a small part, getting smaller every day, but it resented Bella and her place in his life vehemently. He was well aware the way he'd lived his life the last ten years was anything but healthy. To this point, he simply hadn't cared. Why should he move on? Why should he start to heal and let his precious memories get fuzzy around the edges?

Bella was the answer to that question. Bella and the hope of all the life he had left to live.

Edward stood and went to stand beside her, his hand to the small of her back. "I want you to stay. Not only because I'd worry about you, but because I love you. I'm in love with you. It's been so long since I've even thought about wanting anything, but I want you. I want to be with you."

He swallowed hard, and pressed his tongue to the roof of his mouth to stop his babbling. Once upon a time he'd been a cocky, college kid sure of his own charms. Now he had no idea what he was doing, and Bella was still staring straight ahead.

"Please say something," he said when he couldn’t take it anymore. He drew his hand up her back and squeezed her arm.

To his surprise and horror, she recoiled away from him. She stumbled a few steps, wrapping her arms around herself and staring at him with fear in her eyes. "Bella," he began, but when he took a step forward, she jerked back again.

She bent at the waist and closed her eyes. "Fuck. I, I, I, I'm sorry. This isn't... I don't..." She shuddered. "It's just really loud in my head right now."

"Okay." Edward's voice was rough around the painful lump in his throat. "Are you scared of me?"

"No. No." She blew out a sharp breath. "At least, I don't want to be."

"But?"

She bit her lip, and when she opened her eyes, he could see the tears there. "I've been sleeping in your bed. I've slept with you. I touch you and kiss you." She gulped. "I know what that means, what it says." She looked away from him, her lips pressed together.

It took Edward a few tense seconds to read between the lines of what she was saying. He had to remember the only thing she knew about relationships. They'd only had sex three times. Twice she'd initiated it. The third it was her gift when he needed to feel alive again, when he needed something as consuming as the pain he was in. She'd always been in control.

"Bella, do you mean you feel if we were together, I'd take sex whenever I wanted it?"

She flinched and shuddered, but she didn't deny it.

"You don't owe me anything, not for any reason," Edward said, wishing more than anything he could go to her. "I'd never take anything from you that you didn't want to give."

She exhaled in a long gust and closed her eyes again. "Fuck. I'm sorry."

"You don't--"

"No, I do. I'm a fucking basket case." She huffed, shaking her head, not looking at him.  "On the one hand, there's a beautiful boy, and I'm in love with him. He's amazing, and we're going to have a baby. I have daydreams that we'll be a happy a family, and I want that more than I've wanted anything."

She sniffed and chafed her arms. "But I don't know how to believe I can have that. I'm so messed up, Edward. I don't know how to trust what I feel. When I left Forks, I promised myself I wouldn't even think about dating and relationships until I'd figured myself out. I don't want to define myself as part of a unit before I know who I am on my own.

"I want both. I want you so much it scares me. I also wish all of this, if it had to happen, had happened maybe a few years down the line, after I had a life of my own and I was sure I'd never let what that asshole did to me happen ever again."

Edward took a tentative step toward her, not wanting to make her uncomfortable. When she didn't move away he took another step. He put a hand to her waist, and she turned into his embrace. She laid her head on his chest and looped her arms around him.

He swayed them for a minute, rubbing his hands up and down her back. "There's no rush. There's a lot I have to figure out before I could fully commit to anyone." He shifted and cupped his hand under her chin, tilting her head up. "I can give you all the space you need." He brushed her hair back. "I love you. That's just fact. Love doesn’t ask permission before it fucks with your head, but that doesn't mean we're a forgone conclusion.

"If you don't want to stay with me, I understand. I still don't think you should go back to the dorms, though. I meant what I said a long time ago. I will support you so you can go to school. There's no reason to put that off until after the baby is born.  We could look for a nice apartment. Two bedrooms, so that way we can get ready for the baby. Or..."

"Or?" Her hands were warm on his back.

Edward smiled at her, a gentle smile. "A compromise. I told you earlier this summer you could have the spare room. You still can, and then I'd be here to help you when you get so big it's hard to reach things. I want to make things as easy as possible for you. And we could get ready for the baby together."

She looked up at him, and the tense set of her body relaxed. "I think I'd like that." Uncertainty flitted across her features, and she ducked her head, playing with one of the buttons on his shirt. "I'm sorry for being so crazy when we've basically been living like that for months."

"Please don't apologize for what you need. I'm a mess. I'm no prize, and you've been more understanding than I deserve. You've been through so much that never should have happened. There are going to be repercussions to that." He ducked his head to look in her eyes. "Your fears aren't who you are."

He kissed her forehead and stepped away, taking her hand to lead her back to the table. “How about we start with dinner? Sit down. I’ll serve.”

~0~

Bella was quiet that evening, and Edward did his best to give her room to think. They watched TV together, though he suspected she wasn’t really listening. She sat alone in the recliner, her legs drawn up and her expression far off.

 

Then, apropos of nothing, she got up. She took the remote from his hands, turned the TV off and climbed into his lap. Edward wrapped his arms around her automatically and twirled a lock of her hair around his finger.

 

“I think I need to tell you something, because I know how I acted tonight isn’t how you’re supposed to act when someone tells you they want to be your boyfriend.” She looked at him. “That was what you were asking, wasn’t it?”

 

A small smile tugged at his lips. “More or less, but Bella, you don’t—“

 

She put her hands over his mouth. “I really need to tell you.”

 

Dropping her hands to her lap, she took a deep breath. “It’s just that… with Mike… I don’t know. I don’t want to say I was confused into a relationship, but maybe that’s the best way to explain it. I wasn’t sure I wanted his attention but part of me liked it. Then, I wasn’t sure I wanted him to kiss me, but part of me liked it. It was what any girl should have wanted, wasn’t it? For someone to tell them they were pretty and to be touched. To be wanted.”

 

She trembled. Her skin had broken out in gooseflesh. Edward reached behind them, pulling a blanket that rested on the back of the couch to drape it over her shoulders as she spoke. She had to swallow several times before she could speak again. “It wasn’t always bad, you know? He was sweet a lot of the time, and I liked a lot of what we did.” The color had drained from her face, and her voice was a thin, wavering thing. “He started to push me, and he made it make sense. Why was I kissing him if I didn’t want more? That was how people showed they loved each other, and didn’t he say over and over again that he loved me?

 

“So one night, we were texting, and I told him point blank I didn’t want to. Not yet, I said.”

 

She shook. Hard. Edward’s heart began to pound, because he was sure he wasn’t going to like what happened next. He closed his eyes and held her closer, tighter to him.

 

“He just…appeared in my house. In my room. I couldn’t even speak, I was so surprised. And scared. But it was confusing, because I was a little excited, too.

 

“He said I was being ridiculous, and everyone had sex. Sex was good, and it's not like other people disagree. Sometimes, I felt like the only girl in my school who hadn't had sex. And there was a part of me who believed him when he said he was the only one who could see how special I was. It wasn't like boys were falling all over themselves to have sex with me, and he was older. He wasn't going to be clumsy or bad, and he didn't mind if I was."

"What a prince," Edward said through gritted teeth.

"Yeah." She rested her head on his shoulder, still trembling. "So, he was there in my room, and I was tongue-tied. And then he was all over me. He kissed me. He said, ‘I love you, baby. I want to make love to you.' I tried to relax. I kissed him back, but then I got scared again. And I tried to get away, but he caught me when I tried to move around him. He pushed me down on the bed.  His words were sweet, but he wouldn’t let me get up. He said he'd show me. All I said the whole time was no. Just once."

"He never should have pressured you at all, let alone gone as far as he did." It was nothing she didn’t know, but Edward couldn’t help saying it. If he ever met the bastard...

Bella was quiet for a minute. "A lot of people don’t have good first times. I knew that. And that’s what I told myself. He was an older guy. It was what he’d expect. And I wanted to be grown up for him.

"Anyway. That was...After that, we were just together. Like I was claimed. Like I was his.” She shuddered. “I just… I had these fantasies about what it would be like to get into a relationship with someone who wasn't like Mike. I wanted it to be special." She sighed. "And then I was the one to fuck it up."

Edward hugged her to him and kissed the top of her head. "There's time, Bella. Neither one of us is going to be perfect, but we're going to have some beautiful moments." He let his hand drift to cup her belly. "And no matter what happens with us, we're always going to have this beautiful baby."

"Yeah," she said, putting her hand over his. She raised her head. "I do love you, you know."

 **  
**He smiled and answered by kissing her gently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to my lovely ladies who are oh so patient with me.
> 
> Quick personal note. In case you missed it, I released my third novel, Finding Purgatory, yesterday. :) It’s available on Amazon. To celebrate, Duplicity and One To Tell The Grandkids are both free until Friday.
> 
> Thank you all so much for your support.


	24. Chapter 23 - Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Dudes. I had plans for this chapter. I thought I was down to two chapters and an epilogue. But Mr. Cullen had different ideas, the asshole. Sigh!

"Ugh. Is it sad I just want to take a nap for my birthday?"

 

"Hell yes, it's sad. It's a goddamned tragedy is what it is." Emily reached over, clapping Bella on the arm. "Who the hell goes to school on their birthday, anyway? Don't you know that's the great thing about college? You decide if you show up or not. But that's the least tragic thing about today. We should be on a plane to Vegas right now. We should be drunk off our asses in five hours. You know, Bella, your being pregnant is really messing with my fun."

 

Bella rolled her eyes, but she smiled at her friend. "So sorry for the inconvenience."

 

Laughing, Emily reached over and ruffled her hair. "I suppose I'll forgive you, but you really should consider naming the kid after me. I think you owe me that much."

 

Luckily, they'd reached the house at that point. Because it was Bella's birthday and their afternoon classes had finished at the same time, Emily had insisted on coming home with her. It made sense seeing as she was supposed to go to dinner with them when Edward got home.

 

Emily linked her arm with Bella's as they headed up the walk together. Bella unlocked the door and stepped inside.

 

"Surprise!"

 

Bella yelped as she found herself surrounded by grinning people. "Oh my god." She cried out again when she began to process just who was all around her. "Dad!"

 

In a rush of uncharacteristic emotion, she flung her arms around her father's neck. He huffed in surprise but hugged her back just as tightly. "Hey, Bells."

 

"And Jake." Bella released her father to hug Jacob. She pulled back, still stunned. "What are you doing here? How did you get here?"

 

Jake glanced over his shoulder, and Bella followed his gaze. "Your, uh, boyfriend arranged everything," Jake said with grudging approval.

 

When she saw Edward, Bella automatically untangled herself from Jacob's embrace, nerves twisting in her stomach, but Edward only smiled at her, his expression serene. "Happy birthday," he said, and she relaxed again.

 

"He's a good guy," Charlie said, his voice gruff.

 

Grinning now, Bella went to hug Edward around his waist. "He really is," she said, pressing a kiss to the underside of his chin.

 

All in all, the surprise party consisted mostly of Edward's family. The whole Cullen clan was in attendance, including Edward's nephews, his niece, Angela, and the only member of the family Bella hadn't met--Rosalie. There were also two other students besides Emily, both from Jasper's poetry group, neither of whom Bella knew extremely well, but were friendly. Bella made sure she hugged everyone--well, Rosalie she nodded at--moved by their support.

 

It was a Vegas themed party. Edward, with no small amount of help from Alice and Esme, had turned their living room into a mini casino. There was a card table, computers set up with online slots, and a bar with a menu of virgin drinks, and a buffet of delicious food. Burlesque was playing in the background--the Vegas show, Bella gathered.

 

Jasper tended bar, and Emmett's twins, Brent and Bryce, kept plying Bella with Jello shots--sans alcohol, of course.

 

But the star of the party by far was the Cullen patriarch. Emmett and Jasper cackled to themselves as Carlisle took his place as dealer. Apparently, they were well aware he was a card shark. Bella laughed with the rest of them, watching him do those fancy card shuffling moves before he dealt everyone in. He kept the game moving at lightning pace and, true to Vegas form, he made it very difficult to beat the house.

 

"This is high stakes poker, son," Carlisle told Brent when he whined about a big loss. "Don't bet more than you can afford to lose."

 

"High stakes?" Aiden scoffed. "I think you've had too many Shirley Temples, Gramps. We're playing with quarters."

 

"High stakes. Blow," Carlisle said to April who was sitting by his side. She giggled and blew on the stack of cards for luck. Nodding in satisfaction, Carlisle dealt the next hand.

 

When the game switched from poker to Blackjack, Bella got up to stretch. She took her plate to the kitchen, and that was where Rosalie cornered her. Bella wasn't going to pretend she didn't find the woman intimidating. She couldn't help but wrap an arm protectively around her belly.

 

But Rosalie wasn't there to fight. She smiled wryly. "I wanted to apologize," she said, giving Bella the second biggest shock of her night. "I know I've been rude, but to be honest, I didn't think Edward could handle all of this. I thought he'd have a breakdown once and for all, and I figured you'd eventually want nothing to do with any of us after that."

 

Bella didn't know what she was supposed to say to that, but Rosalie didn't seem to expect a response. "In any event, he's changed. He's changing, and that's not a bad thing. I figure anyone who can get him to pull his head out of his ass can't be too bad."

 

"Um. Thanks? I think?"

 

Rosalie smiled again. "Congratulations, by the way. About the baby." Her smile faltered the slightest bit, and she took a shaky breath. "You're lucky. I know it probably doesn't seem like it sometimes, but you're lucky in a lot of ways."

 

"I know," Bella said, her hands to her bump. "Really."

 

The blond woman studied her for a few more beats and nodded. "Welcome to the family."

 

How odd, Bella thought as she looked around a few minutes later. A year ago, she'd celebrated a quiet birthday alone in her room. Her father tried to draw her out, but she was lost to her noisy mind. Now, she was somehow part of this larger mishmash of wonderful, flawed, beautiful people.

 

As though she wanted to join the fun, the baby fluttered in her little hidey hole. Bella rubbed at the spot, smiling. At the beginning of this, she'd taken a chance on a hope and a prayer that this baby wasn't going to destroy her life. It could have. It could have destroyed them both.

 

Bella looked across the room, watching as a minor miracle unfolded. Damien, Alice and Jasper's toddler son, crawled over to Edward. He wound his tiny fists in Edward's pants, hauling himself to his feet. He looked up at his uncle, giggled, and lifted his arms.

 

Bella wasn't the only one watching with bated breath to see what would happen. Edward stared down at the boy with a knit in his brow, his face pinched in pain. Damien was only a month older than Xavier had been when he died. It must have been devastating for Edward to see the boy grinning and healthy.

 

Slowly, Edward leaned over and pulled the baby up to settle on his lap. Damien babbled at him in babyspeak, and Bella watched as a sad but genuine smile spread over Edward's face. He ducked and blew a raspberry against the little boy's neck. Damien threw his head back, shrieking with mirth, and Edward smiled wider.

 

"Baby girl, you're my favorite mistake," Bella whispered to her daughter.

**~0~**

When the party was over, Charlie went home with Carlisle and Esme. Bella took that as a good sign. He liked them. She thought they liked him. Everyone was getting along. They were all going to the Grand Canyon the next morning-- Bella, Edward, Carlisle, Esme, Charlie, and Jacob.

 

Jacob stayed with Bella and Edward, taking the room that had been Bella's for the last three weeks.

 

For all intents and purposes, Bella and Edward were a couple. They were in a weird space. Yes, they lived together. Yes, they were going to have a baby, but in reality they'd only known each other six months. On a more typical timeline, they wouldn't necessarily be cohabitating already. For the time being, Bella needed and appreciated the little bit of personal space she got from having her own room. Their relationship was new and way too complicated.

 

All that aside, that night wouldn't be the first Bella had spent in Edward's room in the last three weeks. Tonight was slightly different though. It felt different.

 

As she left Jake in her room and walked down the hallway, her heart began to pound. Much to Bella's eternal irritation, she was nervous. Nervous to the point of straight out fear.

 

She knew exactly why. She knew why an ice cold chill ran down her spine and a lump settled in her throat. No matter how much she told herself she was being stupid, she couldn't shake the anxiety and paranoia that threatened.

 

This birthday was nothing like the ones she'd spent with Mike. He'd demanded all her attention and had been petulant when she wanted to include Charlie in their plans. He'd been pissed as always when Jacob showed up with gifts and, heaven forbid, hugs.

 

No, this wasn't like that at all. Edward had surrounded her with people. He was the one who'd paid for Jacob's flight. He wasn't Mike. This wasn't the same and her rational mind knew it.

 

Dammit, she wanted her birthday nookie. That was one of the perks of having a boyfriend. Especially this boyfriend. After tonight, she was more in love with him than ever. She wanted to celebrate with him. She was happy. Happy with him, and happy to see him connecting with family. Just happy.

 

And she was scared. As she came into the room, face to face with him, she was everything at once--in love, happy, horny, and scared.

 

Edward walked toward her one slow step at a time, his head tilted as he studied her. He took her hands and raised them to his lips. “I can sleep on the couch tonight. It’s not a big deal.”

 

She raised her head, leveling a glare that wasn’t meant for him. Rather than say something she was going to regret, she led him over to the bed. “Sit down,” she said, pointing to the headboard.

 

Edward sat, and she climbed onto the bed after him. She sat at his side and rested her head on his shoulder. He wrapped her in his arms, giving her the safe space she needed.

 

This was how she coped with the things that plagued her. This was how she tried to move forward with him. Whenever the specter of her past reared its ugly head, Bella tried her damndest to talk it out. It helped her process, and though it was one of the hardest things in the world to do, when she shared her burdens, the weight on her shoulders was lighter. It was also the fairest thing she could think of for Edward. He was so patient with her. Understanding the things that had happened to her helped him know what her reactions were really about. It lessened the chance he would trigger her.

 

With his arms around her and her face turned into his neck, Bella told Edward what it was like when Mike had to see her with Jacob, even on her birthday.

 

“He would rant about respect and make me feel like the world's shittiest girlfriend. Especially because I did it more than once. I could give up so much, but Jacob was stubborn, and it was nice to have a friend.” Bella took a shaky breath. “It was like a tug of war. Jake could always convince me it was okay to hang out, but then Mike always seemed justified in the things he was saying. It made sense--that it was disrespectful to hang out with another guy when I had a boyfriend.”

 

Bella straightened up, wrapping her arms around herself as she shuddered. “Then he would start to kiss me hard. Rough. I would tell him he was scaring me. It didn't matter. It never mattered. He needed to show me I was his.”

 

Edward’s breath was ragged, and she could see his hands were gripped in fists in the comforter. “I want to ask you something, because I want to understand, but I don’t know how to say it without it sounding condescending.”

 

Hugging herself, Bella rocked a bit. “You can ask.”

 

“It wasn’t your fault, okay? Nothing was your fault. I really don’t think that. I just…” He touched her arm gently. “Didn’t you know it was rape? Every time you were scared and unwilling. Did you think that was the way it was supposed to be?”

 

Bella rocked harder, looking away from him. “I thought that at first. That it was supposed to be bad at first. People say that. It’s bad, but then it gets better. I think I was waiting for that part.”

 

She closed her eyes tightly. “You know the thing people don’t like to think about guys like him? He did love me. People say things about love as if it’s some magical state of being; as if he were truly in love with me, he would have been incapable of doing all those horrible things. Well, that’s bullshit. Love doesn’t stop people from hurting someone. No amount of love would have cured what was warped in him, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t love me. He did. And I loved him.

 

“Of course, you want to believe what they say about love. I knew he loved me; therefore, I couldn’t believe he wanted to hurt me. And he was right, after all. I was young and stupid. I provoked him. I hurt him when I went around with another man. I mean, these things made sense. So I didn’t blame him when he was rough with me. Isn’t that what they teach you passion is about? Isn’t that what I was supposed to want? Someone who wants me so much they can’t stand it? They do crazy things? Passion is violence, isn’t it?”

 

She sighed, pulling her legs up closer to her body. “And then…” Her cheeks burned. “It wasn’t always bad. Sex, I mean. There were times I almost liked it. I don’t know. At least, most of the time it wasn’t scary. Sometimes he… he would go down on me, and that...that made me orgasm. When he did it, he wouldn’t expect me to reciprocate, and later he would tell me if he didn’t care about what I wanted, he wouldn’t do stuff like that.”

 

“Christ. Manipulative bastard.”

 

“I guess, to answer your question, the whole sex thing confused me. A lot of times, afterward, I would cry because I felt used. Degraded. And looking back, I can’t figure out why I thought that was okay. It made sense at the time. Or it didn’t make sense, and I excused it like I excused everything else--I was being immature and naive, whatever.”

 

She shrugged. “Anyway. I’m not confused anymore. I know what he did. I know what to call it.”

 

Edward put his arm back around her, pulling her close, letting her breathe. “That’s why you don’t want to orgasm, isn’t it? He even used that against you.”

 

He wasn’t expecting an answer, she knew. He was just processing out loud, and he was right. Every time Bella would start to think that maybe what Mike was doing to her was wrong, that she shouldn’t feel that way when she had sex with the man she loved, she would think about how much pleasure he gave her. He’d used it more than once when she tried to talk to him about how she felt when he scared her, how rough he could be.

 

“If you didn’t like it, I wouldn’t be able to make you come,” he’d said.

 

Bella sat up and turned around.

 

“What are you--” Edward started, but he cut off when Bella straddled his lap. His hands went to her waist, and his eyes to hers.

 

Bella took a deep, steadying breath. “Touch me,” she whispered.

 

He did. Without hesitation he began not to merely touch her. He caressed. He drew his fingertips up her sides, brushed the back of his knuckles along the line of her chin. Bella closed her eyes, leaning her head into his hand when he cupped her cheek.

 

When he began to kiss her, that too was gentle. These weren’t kisses that were meant to lead to something more. No, this was what she’d asked for--touch, and like his hands the touch of his lips was reverent. Bella tilted her head back as he pressed kiss after kiss to her neck.

 

They shifted, and he laid her down on her back. His fingers made quick work of the buttons of her shirt, and even this wasn’t leading. He simply wanted access to more of her skin. He kissed her soft and slow as his fingers explored her body.

 

There was pleasure in the electricity that raced across her flesh. There was pleasure in the taut pull of her nipples and the tickle of his fingers at her most sensitive spots. There was satisfaction in the sensation, the way her body came alive for Edward.

  
For now, the knowledge that they could rewrite what she knew about love and touch and sex was more than enough. For now, it was all the pleasure she needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay. I think for really reals we have two more chapters and an epilogue left...but you know, Edward and Bella have minds of their own, I swear.
> 
> Many thanks to barburella, songster, moh, Packy 2.0, and jessypt for everything they do to make my words better.


	25. Chapter 24 - Fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: It’s only Tuesday? Why????

The last few months of the year were always a bad time for Edward. His son’s last months had been a blessing and a curse. A blessing because each moment was so crystal clear, and therefore, time passed not in a blur but slowly. It was a curse because the slow crawl of time was agonizing. They’d had good times, happy times. There were days when Xavier could push past the lethargy to grin, play with his toys, or babble at his parents. More often than not, though, those days passed with the up and down flow of Xavier’s illness. Medication, emergency rooms, needles, tests, and Xavier’s tired cries all echoed in Edward’s head, breaking his heart fresh with each memory.

This year, the months were confusing. When he reconciled himself to the fact he had to begin to let go of his son, when he began to heal, he found he had room in his heart for emotions that weren’t so mired in the agony of loss. It was strange, after all this time, to feel excitement again, to feel anticipation and joy.

He was excited, too. Every day, when he arrived home after Bella did, he kissed his beautiful girlfriend and then knelt in front of her, resting his head against her belly, so he could say hello to his baby girl. He would tell her all the things they would do together, the places he wanted to show her, the things he wanted to give her.

It was surreal and painful because he’d said all of those things before, to a different baby who never got to experience most of what he had planned.

Edward was glad Bella didn’t always sleep in his bed. He was glad that when nightmares got the better of him, she didn’t have to see his terror. He was so afraid. At Bella’s now monthly doctor’s visit, he was half the proud, expectant father and half the paranoid hypochondriac, just waiting for the worst news. It was exhausting.

Discovering he could love this baby, his daughter with Bella, as much as he loved Xavier was a relief but also an anxiety. Life wasn’t a guarantee, and he wouldn’t live through losing another child. Period. It would destroy him, and it wouldn’t be a quick, clean death.

Still, he was animated as he and Bella sat side by side, heads bent together as they flipped through paint colors, decals, and wallpaper runners. They talked about soft blues, purples, and greens. They decided they both hated yellow.

That weekend, Edward and Emmett painted over the colors he and Kate had chosen for Xavier with primer. For the most part, it was a good day. Edward was relearning how to joke with his big brother, and there was a general buzz of happiness preparing for a new baby brought. But still, for Edward, there was also the tiniest pang of bitterness and resentment. If he let himself think about it for more than a few minutes, an awful, cloying feeling churned in his gut. There was still that voice in his head accusing him of erasing his son. With that voice was another voice--the voice that made his heart twist with guilt because he didn’t want to resent his daughter, not even a little bit.

Confusing.

The next weekend, the nursery was done. The room had been painted a light green--no theme because it was Bella’s room too for the time being. The crib and changing table were set up against the longest wall, and a comfy rocker sat in one corner.

New furniture, new bedding, new mobile, new toys. The room was ready for Edward’s new baby, and he couldn’t wait to bring her home. But he couldn’t shake that last tendril of wrongness either. This room no longer belonged to Xavier at all.

That night, after his family had gone home, Edward and Bella sat side by side on her bed, looking at the baby’s side of the room. Bella was babbling happily, talking about how she didn’t really understand why anyone needed a changing table since all you needed was an available surface. Edward was mostly quiet. He wasn’t sure which of his emotions was winning the war inside him, and she deserved to experience this excitement unencumbered by his angst.

Sometimes, he felt like two distinct people shoved into one body. He was still the man who had mourned his son almost every minute of every day for over a decade. The muscle memory of being that man was still very much alive in him and indignant about having to share space with the man he was becoming. He was also the one who was cautiously but outrageously happy. He wanted to meet his daughter, wanted to hold her in his arms and see her smile and watch her grow and learn.

His hopes, his fears, his loss. They all rattled inside him--pieces that hadn’t yet settled into their place.

He noticed too late that Bella had gone quiet. He started, as though just coming awake, when she rested her head on his shoulder, rubbing his back soothingly. “You can talk to me. You know that, right? I know you’re thinking about Xavier, and I think that’s okay.”

“Is it?” he asked, not because he thought it wasn’t. There was nothing he could think to say at that moment; his words were still tangled up in his confused thoughts.

“Yeah.” She turned her head to kiss his neck. “I think he’s a part of us.” She rested her free hand on her belly. “He’s her big brother, and I’m not going to forget that. But he’s also part of you, and I want to be here for you.”

He leaned his head against hers, nuzzling her hair. “I’m okay,” he said, and he was surprised to realize it was true. His chest ached and he missed his son, but he was beginning to think what he was feeling was normal grief. It wasn’t as strong, wasn’t as consuming. It didn’t drown his excitement. This was what real life was--joy and pain clashing and intermingling.

Bella laid back on the bed, pulling him down with her. They shifted and moved until they were curled on their sides, facing each other, so close Bella’s bump pressed against him, firm and real. He had a brief glimpse of the near future. It was so easy to imagine that in a few months, they would be laying together just like this with their baby warm and protected between them.

It was a good picture.

**~0~**

Edward had been about to hurry out the door to work when he got distracted by the sight of Bella in his bed. She was dreaming--he knew because she had kicked the hell out of the blankets, and she was uncovered except for the tangle of sheets around her feet. It didn’t seem to be a bad dream, because she wasn’t whimpering, and her features were untroubled.

It was just one of those moments that stopped him in his tracks. Her hair was wild on the pillow. She was facing his side of the bed, one hand out, making a tempting entreaty for him to come back and snuggle. But what really caught his attention was the sight of her bump.

She’d gone shopping with Alice and his mother for maternity wear, but she seemed to prefer wearing his old shirts. That was fine with Edward, but while they fit her top half just fine, her belly had outgrown them. As a result, it was nothing but bare taut skin above her pajama pants and below his bunched up shirt.

Edward sat on his side of the bed and laid down, careful not to wake her. He rested his arm lightly over her waist and pressed his ear to her belly.

“What do you think, baby girl?” he asked quietly. “You want to give daddy a goodbye kick?”

She probably was, like her mother, fast asleep, but that didn’t stop Edward from hoping. He didn’t mind. He was happy to spend a quiet moment with his sleeping baby, hoping she could feel him, safe as she was in her warm nest, and hoping she felt loved.

The baby didn’t kick, but Bella’s stomach moved. It growled so loudly, Edward felt the vibration. He caught a loud guffaw behind his hand. That was one that would have made Homer Simpson proud for sure.

After another minute, her stomach growled again, and Edward rested his head on the comforter, trying to smother his cackling. It must not have worked because he felt Bella shift, stirring. “Huh?” she asked.

Raising his head to meet her sleepy eyes, Edward put on a serious face. “Bella, I have bad news, love.”

“Huh. What?”

Her stomach growled again, and Edward almost lost it. Instead of laughing, he turned to stare at her belly with a look of mock horror. “I don’t think that’s a baby you’re carrying. I think it’s a monster, and I think it’s hungry. It may just devour you whole.”

By the end of this, Bella was a lot more awake. He could tell by the interesting color of red her cheeks were turning. She hid her face with her hands. “Oh god.”

“I don’t know if God could save you now, but we can try. We better feed this thing. Fast. Before it thinks to make a meal of you and the rest of the town.”

Bella took her hands away from her face and looked at him. “Don’t you have to go to work?”

“Dammit, woman. Some things are more important than work. Didn’t you hear what I said? It’s possible all of Northern Arizona is at risk. We have to tame the beast now.”

Bella groaned and hit him over the head with a pillow. “You, Edward Cullen, are the horrible monster, so if your spawn is a demon, you really shouldn’t be surprised.”

Laughing, Edward climbed his way up her body, warding off her deadly pillow. He wrested it from her, tossed it away, and kissed her in triumph. “Come on,” he said with a smile. “Let’s get you fed.”

“Are you ditching work again?” Bella asked as she sat up, dangling her legs over the side of the bed. “Your boss is going to think I’m a bad influence.”

“My boss is doing cartwheels at the idea he’s not going to have to pay me a year’s worth of vacation when I retire. Anyway, I’ll go to work. After I make you breakfast.’

“Whoa,” Bella said, attempting to get up but not quite making it. She huffed.

Edward’s lips quirked, and he offered his hands. “Monster’s getting big.”

She let him pull her upright. “Oh, sure. The monster’s getting big. Not like I’m a blimp or anything.”

“Bella, you’re tiny. If I’m looking at you from the back--and you know how much I like to look at you from the back-I can’t even tell you’re pregnant. Your center of balance is off. That’s all.” He held out her robe, helping her shrug it on.

“You’re required to say that,” Bella said, holding his hand as they wandered out into the hallway.

“Of course I’m required to say that. You have to keep the momma bear happy.” His lip twitched. “Otherwise she might just rip your head off.”

Bella tried to give him a dirty look, but she was too busy grinning at him for it to be effective. Looking like that--her hair still rumpled from sleep, her grin wide in spite of herself, and her eyes sparkling with humor--it occurred to Edward that she was gorgeous. At that moment, he felt nothing but lucky. She’d hit him like the wild fire that razed a section of dead forest, wreaking destruction but making way for fresh, new growth.

The person he’d once been had died with his son, taking all of what that life could have been with him. This new person he was becoming belonged to this woman. He was hers, and he was nothing but glad of that.

Edward stopped her at the top of the stairs, pulling her toward him so he could kiss her. It was a thorough kiss, and she sighed as she leaned against him. Her hands slipped under his shirt to press against his back, and Edward believed absolutely that she was just as happy as he was.

With Bella tight against him, he felt the gentle poke at his side. He broke their kiss with a chuckle, and rubbed his palm where their daughter was kicking. “She’s impatient.”

“She’s a sweetheart. She knows her mommy is hungry, and she’s trying to get you to get a move on.” Bella pecked his lips once more and turned to go down the steps. “The real question is, did you remember to buy bacon? Because I--Agh!”

To Edward’s everlasting horror, on the fourth step from the top, Bella caught the edge and tripped forward. He reached for her, but his hands only grasped thin air. It took only two or three seconds for her to tumble down the remaining stairs, but for those seconds, he was frozen. He could only watch as Bella hit the landing with a terrible cry of fright and pain.

His feet started moving first, but he couldn’t even begin to think about what he should do. His mind was consumed, struck by a storm of images that made it impossible to function. He wanted to believe Bella and his baby were okay. Odds were that falling down the stairs wasn’t life threatening, but he was too busy remembering taking his son to the doctor with a bad cold that became a terminal diagnosis. He remembered all the worst days--when Xavier was in too much pain, when he couldn’t breathe. Those horrible days when Edward thought that was it. That was the end. It was there, and it was going to be awful and ugly. All of those heart-stopping moments hit him at once, and there were only three words in his head.

Please not again.

His feet propelled him down the stairs, and he dropped to his knees beside Bella’s crumpled form. There he froze, rendered inert by a complete inability to cope with what was happening. There was no part of him that could do this, could face something like this. Bella was gasping as though she couldn’t breathe, and Edward couldn’t make himself move at all.

“Edward,” Bella said between gasps. “Edward. Edward.”

For her, because she needed him, Edward found he was able to function again. He drew in a sharp breath and leaned over her, running his hand along her side. “I’m here. I’m right here, honey. Talk to me. I need you to tell me what hurts.”

Her eyes were closed, her skin pinched with effort. “Don’t let him hurt me,” she said, sounding desperate as she wheezed. “Edward. Please.”

That caught Edward’s attention, and his hands stopped in their tracks. What… “Bella, open your eyes.”

She whimpered, but she obeyed. Her eyes were unfocused. Not cloudy with pain, just unfocused. “Don’t let him hurt me. Don’t let him near me. Please, Edward. Please.”

It took him another heartbeat to figure out she was caught in a flashback. Of course she was. This was the second time in her life she’d fallen down the stairs, and it must have triggered her memories of the first time. She probably thought, somewhere in her frightened mind, that Mike was here, that he’d pushed her again, and he was free to threaten her.

Edward cupped her cheek, simultaneously checking her head for bumps. “Bella, look at me. Look at me. Look at me, and listen.”

She was still breathing too hard, close to hyperventilation, but she blinked sporadically at his words.

Close enough. “Bella, Mike isn’t here. Do you hear me? There’s no one here but you and me, and I promise he’s never going to hurt you. Never again.” Carefully--he didn’t think her neck was affected--he turned her face toward him. “Right now, I need you talk to me. Tell where you hurt. I need to know if I can lift you so we can get out of here.”

After a few seconds that seemed to stretch into an eon, Bella’s eyes focused on him. “Edward?”

“It’s just me.” He smoothed her hair back. “Are you having any sharp pains? Is anything broken?”

She shook her head. Her breath was beginning to slow. “No. Nothing sharp.” Her eyes went wide. “Edward, the baby. Our baby.”

“It’s going to be fine. We’re going to get to the hospital. Can you hold on to me? I’m going to lift you, okay?”

“Okay.” She wrapped her arms around his neck, and when he lifted her up into his arms, she tucked her head against his chest.

All in all, less than three minutes had passed from the time she fell to the time he sped off. He’d settled her in the backseat, because it seemed to make sense to him that she should be laying down. He hadn’t had the time to get his phone or he would have been calling his father.

God, he hoped he had done the right thing moving her. If he’d made it worse…

“Where’s Mike?” Bella asked in a small voice that broke his heart.

She sounded more with it, slightly more lucid, but obviously still confused. “He’s not here. It was an accident, Bella.” Edward reached back, and she took his hand, clinging. “It was just an accident. No one’s going to hurt you.”

For another minute she just breathed. “It’s too soon,” he heard her whisper.

He squeezed her hand, counting the number of streets until they were there. At thirty-three weeks, he knew even the worst case scenario didn’t mean his baby was going to die, but it was hard to convince his heart of that. “It’s going to be okay, and I’m not going to leave you, all right? I’m going to be right here with you.”

**~0~**

After.

After the tests and an ultrasound. After the flurry of nurses and doctors. After waiting endlessly, holding Bella’s hand in L&D. After the doctors finally said the words Edward had been waiting for--the baby was fine, still snug where she was with no intentions of leaving anytime soon and Bella was only bruised. After he saw Bella settled safe and sleeping --the doctor was keeping her for observation as a precaution. Only after all that did Edward let Bella out of his sight. He told her he’d be right back, and he stumbled into the hallway, into his parents’ arms where he finally, finally broke down.

He cried and shook with residual terror, knowing how easy it would have been for him to lose it all. He cried because it had been so easy to imagine this going another way. The thought of it alone made him breathless before. Coming so close to actually having to live through it was agony.

When he’d calmed again, still clinging to his mother like a child, she petted his hair and said, “I’m proud of you.”

“What for?” he asked, sniffling. He felt wretched and ashamed--nothing to be proud of.

“Sweetheart, don’t you realize? You shut down your whole life rather than face the possibility of losing another child. You faced your greatest fear today, and look at you.”

Edward shook his head, straightening up and wiping away tears. “The only reason I’m not still curled in a ball on the floor is because Bella needed me.”

Carlisle squeezed his shoulder. “And you were strong enough to help her. Give yourself credit, son. It’s been a long road here.”

“You’re giving me too much credit,” Edward said, too drained to be as angry as he wanted. His shoulders slumped. “I wanted to die. When I saw her fall, saw her laying there and knew she could lose the baby, I wanted to die. I’d rather die than watch it happen all over again.” He huffed. “I hate hospitals.”

“Think, Edward,” his mother said with a smile. “The next time you’re here, you’ll get to meet your daughter.”

In spite of his worry and fear, Edward smiled.

**  
Hope hurt sometimes, but it burned brighter and hotter than ever in him.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: My docs were INSANE this chapter! I love it. Packy had me cackling at work. Oh well. They already think I’m insane.
> 
> So many thanks to GinnyW, Packy 2.0, Songster, MyOnlyHeroin, Eleanor, and JessyPt. These gals, man. I love them so much.
> 
> Quick personal note. I want to thank all of you who have supported me in my ofic career. :) For those of you who don’t know, I released my third book last month, Finding Purgatory.
> 
> For those of you who have read, I just would like to ask you to consider leaving a review on Amazon or Goodreads. Reviews, especially on Amazon, do matter, and I would greatly appreciate it.
> 
> If you’re interested in my books, links are in my profile!
> 
> Thanks again for all your love and support. See you soon. :)


	26. Chapter 25 - Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Trouble and Oblvious are being stubborn, so I let Nightmare talk to me. I think it’s ready to be done. This is the last full chapter, folks. Let’s meet our baby.

Bella gripped the edge of the counter, staring at her mostly naked body in the mirror, struck by the image. From crown to ankles, her skin was sprinkled with bruises from her fall.

 

This was what she’d imagined a battered woman looked like. She’d never looked like this after Mike hit her. That was part of what kept her complacent and sure that she was overreacting. It was only after everything, after she was in therapy, that she began to accept she’d been a victim. By that time, she had changed so much she could almost believe it was an entirely other person who had been Mike’s victim. She could believe she was learning her lesson vicariously.

 

It was hard to swallow around the painful lump in her throat as she traced her fingers over the scars from her first fall. The truth was written on her skin. She had been a battered woman. Today she looked the part. Today she couldn’t pretend it hadn’t been her.

 

Her fingers followed the hard line of her belly, and the tightness in her throat loosened considerably. She traced the dark stretch marks that made her skin look cracked. She knew some women hated these marks, but they fascinated her. She didn’t mind having this truth written on her skin.

 

Some foolish choices were better than others.

 

There was a soft knock on the bathroom door. “Bella?”

 

Bella looked around and cursed when she couldn’t find her robe. Then she rolled her eyes. It wasn’t as though he hadn’t seen her wearing much less. “Come in.”

 

He poked his head around the door, his arm out, and she saw he had her robe draped across it. “Looking for this?”

 

“I was, actually.”

 

Edward walked to her and put the robe over her shoulders. He stepped up behind her, letting his fingertips skim down her sides. He wrapped his arms around her waist, his hands coming around to cup her big belly. “Are you okay?”

 

She leaned back into his embrace, a feeling of contentment coming over her. “You know what I was thinking?”

 

“What’s that?” he asked, kissing the side of her hair.

 

Closing her eyes, she put her hands over his. “It’s different now.”

 

“What do you mean? What’s different?”

 

“Before, I was scared of you even when I didn’t want to be. Even though I always knew better.” So many times she’d flinched away from him, or awoken in the middle of the night momentarily certain he was going to pin her down. “When I fell, that was the worst. It’s never been like that before--hard to tell the difference between reality and a flashback. I wasn’t thinking at all, just reacting, but I wasn’t afraid of you. I didn’t want to run from you; I needed you.”

 

She turned in his arms, still not opening her eyes, because this was a difficult thing to admit. She was scared to trust, but that didn’t matter. Scared or not, like it or not, she trusted him more than anyone else in the world. “You make me feel safe,” she said, ducking against his chest, shy.

 

He cupped her cheek and tilted her head up. “You make me feel alive.”

**~Thanksgiving Day~**

“Okay. Why didn’t someone tell me I’m only eating for two, not eleven?”

 

Edward leaned his head on his fist, chuckling at Bella’s groaning along with the majority of the table. He reached over and rubbed her back.

 

“Amateur,” Aiden said, patting his now-slightly rounded belly. “There’s still pie.”

 

Bella’s eyebrows shot up. “Pie? There’s no pie. There’s no way there’s pie.”

 

“Of course there’s pie,” Emmett said. He threw his arm around his mother. “Specifically, there’s Mom’s egg custard pie...plus some store-bought crap that the twins brought. But really, it’s all about the egg custard.”

 

A memory hit Edward then, and his grin fell.

 

He remembered Emmett had been holding Xavier, trying to convince him to try a bite of egg custard pie. Not much tasted good to Xavier in those days, but he’d humored his uncle. To everyone’s surprise, his eyes lit up with that one bite, and he made the cutest little “mmm” sound.

 

Kate had looked at Edward and squeezed his hand. “Maybe we’ll get Christmas after all,” she’d said.

 

Edward shook his head hard. The memory was surreal. It had happened here at this table eleven years before. But that was then and this was now.

 

Now, he watched Aiden wave a plate of pie temptingly in front of Bella’s nose. She looked dubious, but then she reached for the fork. “Give it,” she said, prompting hoots and hollers from Emmett and his boys.

 

Another hour later, after Bella had finally given in to the inevitable food coma and gone to lie down in one of the guest rooms, Edward found himself wedged between his big brother and his mother. Emmett gave him a sideways grin and then hooked his arm around Edward’s neck, pulling his head down to give him a noogie. Edward smacked at his chest. They called out threats and growled at each other until their mother called, “Boys!” as though they were teenagers again.

 

Emmett let Edward go, and they straightened up, still laughing at each other.

 

“Dad?” Aiden popped his head into the room. “Grandpa is kicking Bryce’s ass at pool. You have to see this.”

 

“No, Dad, you have to beat him. You’re the only one who can,” Brent said, appearing over Aiden’s shoulder.

 

Edward watched Emmett disappear with his sons, only turning when his mother took his hands. He smiled at her, and she reached up to smooth his hair back with a tender touch.

 

“How are you?” she asked.

 

He didn’t bother to pretend he didn’t know what she was talking about. After Thanksgiving, eleven years ago, Xavier’s decline began in earnest. They spent more days in the hospital than out of it until they took him home for the last time.

 

“I miss him,” he said, his voice quiet.

 

Esme sighed, running her fingers through his hair. “I do, too.” She tilted her head, studying him. “Every holiday, I look around my full table, and I know someone’s missing. It will always be like that. There will always be that moment of confusion where I look for the boy who should be with us before I remember he’s gone.” Her smile was sad as she patted his cheek. “But I’m glad you’re back in your place.”

 

“And Bella?”

 

“I love Bella. I’m very happy to have her here, changing the shape of our family again. You know I think you’re good for each other.”

 

“I think you, all of you, are good for her.” Edward huffed. “God knows her own mother is useless. I’m glad she’s had you and Alice especially, but I think all of you have helped. Her dad tries. I know that, but I think Forks was too oppressive for him to ever really help her. She needed to be away from that place, and she needed a family.”

 

“And you needed her.” Esme cupped his cheek. “And we needed her to bring you back to us.”

 

Edward rested his head against hers, letting his mother’s touch comfort him. “I can’t remember when the boys grew up or April.” He looked over to where Emmett’s baby was talking with Alice. “I can hardly remember her childhood. She was a toddler and now she’s a teenager I don’t even know. How did that happen?”

 

“Time has a funny habit of speeding by.” She moved her hand to his back, scratchin between his shoulders like she used to when he was a small boy. “Don’t dwell, sweetheart. You’ve spent enough time dwelling. Make some new, happy memories.”

 

Edward hugged her to him, thinking of Bella’s grin an hour before when Aiden bowed his head in defeat, naming her Thanksgiving champion. It was such a happy, silly thing. It had been so long since Edward had been happy and silly. He thought of Emmett’s grown sons, and the hope that one day, it would be his children looking to him. He could still have all of that--a hope for future happiness.

 

He wondered if maybe, just maybe, he would come to enjoy Christmas again. Once upon a time, watching his son’s suffering come to a head had killed his previously overdone Christmas spirit. Vibrant Christmas decorations in hospital corridors were profane, Edward had long ago decided.

 

Time, he supposed, would tell.

**~December 24 - Then~**

 

The family had all said their goodbyes, and on Christmas Eve, Edward, Kate, and Xavier were alone in their house. There was no Christmas tree, no lights, no smell of gingerbread. Everyone else was at the big house--it wasn’t fair to the other kids to disrupt their Christmas. Carlisle and Esme told them to call, but Edward and Kate didn’t.

 

For the most part, Xavier slept. He’d been sleeping almost all day every day for a week now. But as Christmas Eve night wore on, his breathing pattern became more erratic.

 

At ten-thirty, Kate got out of bed and gathered Xavier into her arms. She kissed his forehead and his nose and held him close, tears running down her nose to splash on his cheek. She raised her head to meet Edward’s eyes, the expression he saw there broken.

 

“Sweetheart, I think it’s time.”

**~December 24 - Now~**

Eleven years.

 

Edward put his car in park and closed his eyes, breathing in deeply through his nose. For minutes, he simply let his memories and emotions have him. There was no choice, really. Not today. The last few months had done wonders to make this pain bearable, but it would never be completely gone. There would always be an Xavier-shaped hole in his heart.

 

He opened his eyes again when he heard the rumble of another car and the slight vibration as it pulled up behind his. Even though he was almost sure he knew who it was, he checked the rearview mirror anyway. Sure enough, he could see Kate in the driver’s seat.

 

On Christmas Eve morning, the cemetery was almost always quiet. Families, when they did come, often came toward the afternoon. But Kate had a two hour drive and children who expected her home to join in the excitement.

 

Edward got out of his car, greeting his ex-wife with a small smile. She was, he reflected, still a very beautiful woman. Her figure was somewhat fuller than it had been when they were together. That was to be expected of course. She’d had two children and a whole life in the eleven years since their son’s death. Like him, she was a different person than she had been, changed by what they’d gone through.

 

He’d never resented her for moving on. He’d loved her enough, even then, to want her to be happy even if he had no desire to be happy himself.

 

Still, today, as it had been every year, they were a unit. They’d been the ones who sparked their beautiful boy into being, had wished for him, planned for him, and been there the day he was born. They’d taken care of him every day, and they’d been the ones holding him when he died. No one else in the world could share that journey. No one else could possibly love Xavier the way they did.

 

They met in the middle, each wrapping their arms around the other. Edward felt the shudder of her slight shoulders. He rocked her, sharing her wordless grief.

 

After a minute, Kate sniffled and stepped back, though she kept hold of his hand. “Ready?” she asked, voice shaking.

 

Edward shook his head. He never was, but he started walking anyway. The frozen grass crunched beneath his boots. It had snowed the night before--a light dusting that decorated rather than covered the ground. He welcomed the bite of cold in the air.

 

“It’s so pretty today,” Kate said, looking around.

 

It was. The deep green of the Ponderosa pines went well with the stark white highlights of snow. The sky was blue, the sun bright. Maybe they were in the middle of a cemetery, but it was idyllic.

 

“It snowed the day he died. Remember?” Edward said, and he was surprised the words didn’t hurt. It was more of feeling of nostalgia. Despite living in the mountains, more often than not, Christmas in Flagstaff wasn’t white. The snow hit hardest in January and February.

 

Kate squeezed his hand. “I remember.”

 

They knelt together at their son's grave, and Edward brushed the snow away.

 

**Xavier Kieran Cullen**

**Beloved Son**

 

That was all he’d ever had the chance to be--their beloved son.

 

Kate reached into her bag, and together, they laid out a few of the toys she’d brought--cars and figurines. As they worked, she chanced a glance up at him.

 

“Will you tell me about Bella?”

 

Despite the fact his heart ached, badly, Edward found the sound of Bella’s name tugged at his lips. A number of times in the last few months, he’d thought about calling Kate, but he never could figure out how to start this conversation. He raised an eyebrow as he looked at his ex-wife. “Hasn’t Mom told you everything?”

 

She wiped a tear from the corner of her eye and sat back on her haunches. “Of course she has, but I want to hear it from you.”

 

He felt he owed it to her, so he told her everything. He told her about watching Bella perform, how her words had touched him in a way nothing else in a decade had. He told her about the feeling he had--that he simply knew she had been hurt, that she had a wound on her soul as deep and profound as his, even if it wasn’t for the same reason. It was the kind of connection that went deep enough that nothing else mattered--not their age difference or the fact they were total strangers.

 

He told her about Bella finding him again and his panic, his despair. How he’d had to be dragged back to life kicking and screaming and scared out of his mind. He was still scared but happy.

 

Oh, god he was so happy.

 

“I’m so glad, Edward,” Kate said, grasping his hand.

 

He studied her face. She meant it. She was smiling, and her eyes were clear. “Why?” he asked, curious and more than a little guilty. “You of all people have the right to be pissed off.” He swallowed hard, looking away from her to run his hand over the epitaph below his son’s name that spoke of innocence and loss. “I couldn’t get better for you, my wife, the mother of my son. Why her? Why a girl almost half my age? A stranger who I never should have seen?”

 

“Honey.” She put her arm around him, resting her head against his shoulder. “I figured out when Xavier was dying that ‘why’ is the most maddening question in human existence. There’s no why, Edward. Why him? Why some stupid, random disease? Why did he only get the life he got? Why did he die like that--in pain, slowly?” She cut off with a small gasp and had to swallow hard before she could continue. “Why did I get to move on? Was it that I somehow loved him less?”

 

“Kate--”

 

“I know it’s not true, but that’s my point. There aren’t any answers to these questions. Why couldn’t we make it? I don’t know. I loved you. I still love you, but I love my life, too. I have a beautiful life, Edward. I love my husband and my babies.” She squeezed him. “But my heart has always hurt for you, because I couldn’t help you. I’m not mad. I’m too relieved to be mad. I can’t be bitter that she helped you. I just want you to be happy.”

 

He wrapped his arm around her, overcome with emotion. He didn’t know until that moment how badly he’d needed to hear those words from her. They were as close as he could get to knowing with certainty that his son would forgive him for moving on, for being overjoyed he was going to be a father to another child. “Thank you,” he said, his voice rough with tears.

 

“I’d like to meet her someday,” Kate said after a few minutes. “Your Bella… and your daughter.”

 

In spite of himself, Edward gave a short laugh. He rubbed his eyes, thinking about that. “My daughter.”

 

“Bella’s overdue, isn’t she?”

 

He hummed. “Only a few days. She was scared she wasn’t going to make it through finals, but now she’s eager to be not-pregnant.”

 

Kate snorted. “I remember that. Obviously, your daughter takes after your son that way. Tanya and Irina were both early.”

 

It was like walking on a sore muscle to talk about their children, Xavier’s sisters, at his grave. It ached, but it wasn’t crippling.

 

Kate found his hand and twined their fingers together. “Do you think it’s some kind of fate that we have all girls? Like Xavier was meant to be our only boy?”

 

Edward closed his eyes briefly, remembering how numb he felt that day he went in with Bella for the sonogram. It had been during that time when he was coming to terms with the idea of letting Xavier go, letting himself begin to heal.

 

He remembered the moment of utter panic right before the doctor had said the magic words.

 

It’s a girl.

 

“I don’t know,” Edward said, answering Kate’s question. “I was glad, though. I was glad the baby wasn’t a boy.”

 

“I was too. I was glad that you’re not having a boy, and I was glad that Tanya and Irina weren’t boys.” Kate sniffled, pushing one of the toy cars across the bottom of the gravestone. “It’s stupid, isn’t it? In a way? It’s not like any baby would be a replacement. Even another boy couldn’t be a replacement.”

 

A fierce love, tinged around the edges with the ever-present grief, gripped his heart. “No. Never.”

 

Another few minutes of companionable silence went by before Kate spoke again. “It’s getting harder to come on Christmas Eve,” she said slowly. “Do you think… would you understand if I had to make it the 23rd or the 26th next year?”

 

He wouldn’t have before. If she had asked him last year, he would have been pissed as hell. “Yeah, I’d understand.”

 

Before either of them could say anything else, Edward’s phone chimed. He reached for it, then he nearly dropped it.

 

“Edward?” Kate said, her brows furrowed in concern. “Is everything okay?”

 

When he didn’t answer, she took the phone from him and read the text message. “Oh. Bella’s in labor?”

 

“That’s impossible,” he muttered. Today? Why…

 

Kate shocked the hell out of him by laughing. “Well, what are you doing? Go on. Go.” She bumped his side, putting his phone back in his hand.

 

Edward got to his feet mechanically. His heart was pounding hard. He turned toward the car, but then turned back. His mind was stunned, and he couldn’t tell which was right. He was supposed to be here honoring his son, but he needed to be with Bella to meet their daughter. And what if… what if...

 

“Edward.”

 

He raised his eyes, finding Kate was standing beside him again. She gripped his shoulders and smiled gently. “It’s going to be fine. Go on.”

 

He clutched her to him in a tight, brief hug. “I love you,” he said to her and to their son and to the life they’d once had together.

 

Then he turned on his heel and ran as fast as he could toward Bella, his daughter, and his new life.

**~December 25th~**

“Look, baby girl. Sunrise on your very first Christmas. Maybe we can catch a glimpse of Santa before he heads back to the North Pole, hmm?”

 

Edward stood at the window watching the sun come up, brilliant over the snow-capped mountains. He looked only briefly before returning his eyes to the tiny bundle in his arms. He was tired, but he wasn’t about to go to sleep. No, if he could swing it, he would be awake for every single moment of his daughter’s life until the day he died. He knew from experience all the moments a life could offer wouldn’t ever be enough.

 

He loved her; this tiny, perfect creature.

 

The baby didn’t seem to share his views on wakefulness though and, at seven and a half hours old, she was far too young to be excited about Christmas. Since her eyes couldn’t focus, he’d taken it upon himself to describe everything about the room, including the miniature Christmas tree someone had been kind enough to bring.

 

It was, apparently, never too late to get excited about Christmas, especially when he’d been given such a wonderful gift. His daughter had been born at exactly 12:01 AM on Christmas Day, eleven years and two minutes after his son’s untimely death.

 

Seven months ago, he’d been bitter about the possibility. Now, it seemed right somehow. It was like she was giving him permission to enjoy Christmas again, to have something to think about other than Xavier’s descent toward the inevitable. With her first cry, she’d replaced his nightmare with a dream. Not a fantasy. Not perfection. Simply a dream—confusing and happy, sweet with the sour. He lowered his head to kiss his daughter’s crown and wondered how he’d ever been unsure he wanted this.

 

“Edward?”

 

He turned toward the groggy voice and smiled yet again. “I’m right here, sweetheart,” he said, going to sit on the edge of the bed. He shifted his daughter to the crook of his arm, so he could reach out to caress Bella’s cheek. She looked exhausted, poor thing. He could hardly blame her. It had been a long labor. “Go back to sleep, love.”

 

She blinked, obviously not quite awake, but she drew her fingertips down their daughter’s chubby arm. “Oh, hey. That did happen,” she whispered.

 

Edward laughed and leaned down to kiss her crown as he had the baby just a minute before. “It did. She’s asleep. You should sleep too.”

 

“And you?”

 

He just shook his head. “Not yet. I want to sit here and admire my beautiful girls a while longer.”

 

She huffed, but her eyelids were already closing. “Creeper,” she mumbled, teasing him. “I love you.”

 

“I love you, too, Bella.”

**~0~**

“You two are driving me nuts,” Alice complained. “Why haven’t you told us her name yet?”

 

Edward and Bella shared a glance, both of them smiling. Alice had been bugging them for weeks to settle on a name. They had a list of names they liked, but they’d wanted to meet their daughter before they chose one for certain.

 

The baby was eighteen hours old now. “We thought we’d give it a couple of weeks...see what sticks,” he said, teasing his sister as he put the baby in Charlie’s arms.

 

Alice’s face fell. “No. You can’t do that! As it is, it’s going to be a pain in the ass to put a banner together now. It’s Christmas day. You people have the worst sense of timing.”

 

“She can’t read,” Bella said, playing along.

 

“Ugh!” Alice crossed her arms and sat down in one of the chairs in a huff.

 

“Okay, okay,” Esme said, giving Edward an amused look. “Stop torturing your sister. You know you signed the baby’s birth certificate an hour ago.”

 

Alice looked at him, exasperated, and Edward snickered. He sat down on the edge of the bed beside Bella. “You want to tell her?”

 

“Emilia,” Bella said, her smile soft as her eyes found her daughter across the room. “Emilia Bailey Cullen.”

 

Edward took her hand and brought it to his lips, so in love with this woman and their baby he could hardly take it. She smiled back at him, her eyes tired but shining. They were two wounded souls who’d found shelter in each other’s arms. That something so joyful could come out of two very different kinds of heartbreaks, well…

 

Life was strange, and horrible, and wonderful.

  
He was glad to be alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: There will be an epilogue (and possibly a post-take) but our tale is done for all intents and purposes. 
> 
> The baby was lovingly named by Packy 2.0. So much love for her and my girls, songster, barburella, myonlyheroin, and jessypt.
> 
> Thank you for coming with me on this tale. See you soon for the epilogue!


	27. Epilogue - Happy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Merry Monday, friends and neighbors.
> 
>   
> 
> 
> Fic update: Oblivious chapter is done, so you can expect that soon. Little Dreamer will update sooner than later because I DO want to set it on a posting schedule for Mondays (Oh, give it one more week before I decide schedules are for people whose brains don’t skip as much as mine does--LET ME HOLD ON TO MY DELUSIONS).
> 
>   
>  And without further adieu...the Nightmare epilogue.

"Oh, god. Oh, fuck. Fuck god."

 

Edward lifted his head from between her legs, and Bella groaned. He grinned at her. "You have a filthy mouth," he said, and he tsked. Then he tsked again with his lips against her clit. Bella's hips bucked up against him as she cried out.

 

Her hands flailed. She scrambled for a hold on the headboard, then grabbed the comforter, then a fistful of his hair. His tongue at her clit, his fingers inside her, Bella tensed. There was that moment of fear just before she lost complete control of herself, but it was over quickly. She let her orgasm take her, screaming with the strength of it.

 

It was her fifth orgasm. Their daughter was ten months old.

 

When Bella came back to herself, her breath calmed to something less than hyperventilation, she glanced down to find Edward smiling serenely at her, his head resting against her belly. She stroked his hair adoringly, tracing the shell of his ear. Now she understood what was meant by the term ‘generous lover’.

 

Sex with Mike had only ever been about him--when he wanted, how he wanted, and he didn’t give a damn about Bella’s opinion on the matter. He’d given her orgasms only so she couldn’t say he was selfish. Even in that, he’d done it like a chore he wanted to get over as quickly as possible. It worked only because Bella’s body was naturally responsive; it didn’t take much to make her come.

 

Edward, on the other hand, was slow. Each caress, each flick of his tongue was heavy with what he felt for her. It wasn’t a means to an end--the goal of making her come. He was worshipping her and would only consider his adulation complete when she was unraveled for him. Always, when he did this, he teased and titillated her until every inch of her skin was alive and aware and crying for climax. He made her feel as powerful as a god, and in return, she gave over control of her body, trusting he would never, ever, use it against her.

 

Slowly, Bella was rewriting all she knew about sex. It wasn’t something to be feared or conquered. It was something to be enjoyed in the very least, and at most…

 

Bella hooked her finger under Edward’s chin, drawing him up her body. They kissed languidly, Bella licking her own taste from his lips. They rolled together, limbs tangling. Bella reached between them to guide him to her entrance. She moaned when he thrust inside her; she was still over-sensitive from her orgasm, but when they were joined, she felt a deep sense of peace and rightness. “I love you,” she whispered against his lips.

 

“Bella,” he murmured, the word a prayer and a declaration wrapped up in one.

 

Some time later, they were both calm and cool again. Bella lay on her side and Edward on his belly. They were staring at each other, speaking the lover’s silent language.

 

Just as Bella’s eyelids began to grow too heavy, the baby monitor squawked to life. Edward started to roll over, but Bella grabbed him by the arm. His eyes narrowed, and she squinted right back at him, locked in the same silent battle they’d fought a number of times.

 

Bella was of the mindset that Emilia could and would self-soothe if her father wasn’t so ready to pick her up every time she cried. It was only natural that Edward wanted to cater to Emilia’s every whim, comforting her because he hadn’t been able to comfort Xavier, but Bella was trying to ween them both before the baby grew up spoiled. Theoretically, Edward agreed with her, but he had a hard time letting his baby girl cry.

 

Emilia’s whimpers took a turn though. Both Edward and Bella were used to her different cries, and this one was the rarest. Her whimpers escalated to cries of full blown fright. A nightmare, no doubt.

 

“Da. Da. Da,” she chanted, miserable and scared.

 

Edward and Bella both moved to get out of bed, but Edward waved her back. “She wants me.” He never was able to keep the broad grin off his face when he said that. “You sleep.”

 

His smile was so proud, Bella never had the heart to point out that Emilia called everything “Da”. She and Edward were both Da. So were Esme, Carlisle, her uncles, and aunts. Lots of people on the television were Da.

 

Emmett’s kids weren’t Da, though. Bella wondered what that was all about. Baby logic.

 

By that time, Edward’s soft voice cut into her musing. “Emi. Emi, baby. I have you. Daddy’s here. Shhh, little love. Hush now. It’s okay.”

 

Emilia continued to cry, softer now, muffled as she had likely pressed her face against her father’s robe. For a couple of minutes there was only the sound of Emilia’s snuffles and Edward’s gentle, “shh, shh, shh.” Then, he began to sing.

 

Bella hunkered down in bed, pleased. She loved it when he sang. She hadn’t even known he could, that he had such a nice voice, until they brought Emilia home.

 

“You are the woman that I’ve always dreamed of. I knew it from the start. I saw your face, and that’s the last I’ve seen of my heart.”

 

Bella curled up on her side, squeezing herself, unbearably happy. Moments like these, she still couldn’t believe how lucky she was. Once upon a time, fate had taught her that the consequences of making a mistake could shatter her body, soul, and psyche. So how the consequences of this mistake, how she’d picked a random stranger out of a sea of strangers and ended up with this, Bella couldn’t quite wrap her head around.

 

Still tired from before, it didn’t take long for Edward’s soft crooning to have its desired effect. Wrapped safe in their bed with his scent around her and his voice soft in the room, Bella fell asleep.

 

When she woke some time later, Edward’s half of the bed was still empty. Bella frowned, pushing herself upright as she blinked at the clock. Only half an hour had passed, but there was no sound from the baby monitor.

 

She groped for her robe and went in search of her boyfriend. More than likely, he’d fallen asleep in the rocking chair. Last time he’d done that, his neck had been stiff all day.

 

The door to the nursery was open, so Bella peered in. She found Edward not in the rocking chair but stretched out on the bed that had been hers for a time. She had long since given up the idea she wanted to sleep away from Edward, but they hadn’t moved the bed out as of yet.

 

Leaning against the doorjamb, Bella watched for a minute. Her heart panged with a memory, her lips tugging downward for the first time in hours. Not so many months before, Emilia had come down with her very first cold.

 

It was a bad time for both of them. Bella was a natural first time mother, half-convinced that her baby’s every sniffle was a national emergency. Edward, of course, had already been through the worst case scenario, and tried without success to pretend he didn’t believe it would happen again. They both wanted to be there for the other, but they’d struggled.

 

Even after the doctor had assured them repeatedly Emilia was fine, Edward had been almost unbearably selfish. He’d pushed everyone, including Bella, away, insisting on being the one to nurse Emilia back to health. For almost three days, he could hardly be convinced to let her go.

 

At the time, Bella was more than a little irritated. She’d thought he thought she couldn’t be trusted to take care of their daughter. Young as she was, Bella often felt stupid and out of her depth. Edward’s family was loving, but they were all much older and more experienced with children.

 

It wasn’t about that, of course. Months ago, Bella had come to the nursery to find Edward in this bed, clutching Emilia to him. The baby was asleep, but he was awake, staring at her, quiet tears running down his cheeks as he listened to her slightly labored breaths.

 

Now, Bella was startled out of that memory when Edward lifted a hand, awake after all. She took his invitation and went to join her little family. Edward’s eyes were on her, soft and happy in the dim light from the nightlight. He lifted the blanket so she could climb in, and Bella did, turning onto her side to face him. She twined their legs together, and Emilia let out a soft grunt, her eyebrows furrowed in annoyance at being jostled. But they smoothed out a few seconds later as she drifted back into a deep sleep between them.

 

Edward cupped Bella’s cheek, and she looked up as he stroked the pad of his thumb across her lips. This moment was the antithesis of the one some months before. Emilia was the picture of health--all easy breaths and her cheeks warm only with baby heat instead of fever. Edward, rather than anguished, was happy. He was only a tired daddy who had fallen asleep soothing his baby from a nightmare.

 

“It’s not so much the things you say to me,” Edward sang quietly, picking up the same song from earlier as he looked at Bella. “It’s not the things you do. It’s how I feel each time you’re close to me that keeps me close to you.”

 

He kissed her then, and they snuggled closer together, their daughter healthy and safe between them.

 

It was strange, because she couldn’t really say she’d gotten her life together. She was still stumbling through school, motherhood, and she was far too young, in some ways, for the man beside her. She was still trying to decide what she wanted to do with her life, who she wanted to be, and yet…

 

Bella wasn’t drifting. She had the love and support of a wonderful man. He, in return, had given her not only his love, but his family too. Tomorrow they were going to go to Carlisle and Esme’s house, letting their little family integrate into the larger one as they celebrated Bryce and Brent’s birthday.

 

Maybe she wasn’t quite sure what she was doing yet, but it was a good life.

~0~

Trying to put clothes on a squirming fifteen-month-old was almost never an easy task. Today, though, Emilia was excited about her clothes, which meant she was still and cooperative as possible as Edward dressed her. Everything he was putting on was Emilia-approved today.

 

Emilia gasped, and Edward glanced up to find her watching him in rapt fascination as he put her new boots on her feet. Her eyes were wide, her lips pursed. Shaking his head, Edward got back to the task of lacing up the boots. “They’re pretty, Emi. I’ll give you that, but they’re not half as pretty as you.”

 

He stepped back, keeping his arm out lest the baby tumble from her perch. “Ooooo,” she cooed, kicking her feet out to admire the boots. It took some effort--they were heavy, which he had warned her of at least a million times. She didn’t seem to mind. She knew damn well her daddy would carry her whenever she wanted, and even if he didn’t, she was too excited about the fact her shoes were miniature platform boots just like her mother’s. Well, Emi’s were neon orange where Bella’s were black, but that was a negligible difference. The little girl had been obsessed with her mother’s boots for quite some time, and had been beside herself when her bratty boy-cousins had bought her her very own pair.

 

She kicked her feet up again, taking in the sparkle--of course they were covered in sequins--and clapped her pudgy hands in sheer delight. She looked up at her father, her grin huge as she giggled. “Pitty!”

 

Edward laughed and pulled her into his arms, planting a big smooch on her cheek. “Beautiful, baby girl.”

 

At her insistence, Edward set her down on her feet. She swayed, her hands out, and he had to resist the urge to scoop her up again. Taking a deep breath, he took a step backward, giving her room. She touched the gauzy fabric of her punk-skirt reverently, taking in the black and orange stripes, and then she stomped in place, giggling her fool head off before she lost her balance and landed on her padded bottom.

 

Edward started, but of course, she just looked up at him and giggled merrily. She put her hands on the floor and her butt in the air as she pushed herself back to her feet. He sighed. Had it really only been a couple months before she could barely stand?

 

The first time she pulled herself to her feet, holding on to the backs of his pants, Emilia had been one day older than her big brother had ever gotten to. She’d hit at least three milestones Xavier had been too sickly to achieve. Her whole life was already so much more than his had been.

 

Watching his little girl take her first tentative steps in clunky boots, Edward smiled. His heart ached for his son--it always would--but it didn’t overshadow his pride at his daughter’s achievements. Now, with time and perspective, these moments were all the more precious to him.

 

No, losing his son only made him cherish all the moments with his daughter all the more.

 

He still winced when she fell on her ass again, but she was fine. Relaxing, he picked her back up, set her down on the dresser, and began gathering her hair into a ponytail on top of her head. Emi helpfully searched around the dresser--oblivious to the fact moving her head wasn’t helping him in the slightest--and proffered him a bow with a skull on it.

 

“This bow is pink. Your dress is orange,” Edward said.

 

Emilia looked at him and shook the bow.

 

“Well, okay. Just remember it’s your fault if the big kids tease you,” he said, and kissed the tip of her nose.

 

By the time they got out the door, they were, as usual, running late. They hit every red light on the way to the university. By the time they were parked and out of the car, Edward was practically sprinting to get to the small auditorium. He hoped Bella wasn’t first up.

 

“No.” Emi said almost as soon as they were in the building. She hated jackets and sweaters. They’d trained her to keep them on outside, but as a result, the second she was indoors, she wanted them off.

 

“Shh,” Edward said, setting her down so he could get her light jacket off. “Remember, we have to be quiet.”

 

Emi put a finger to her mouth. “Shhh.”

 

Picking her up again, Edward moved inside the small performance space. They were just in time. He could see Bella waiting on the steps. Jasper was on stage, praising whomever had just stepped off. He cleared his throat.

 

“Okay. Now a performance from one of our veterans. Bella Swan. A performance called, uh...” He squinted at the paper. “Nah, nah, nah.”

 

Bella looked like the girl--woman--that had awed him two years before. Her hair was sleek, her dress punk-rock sexy, and those boots… Those boots were still ridiculous and alluring as ever. She exuded confidence he knew for a fact she had to work to feel, but she smiled at Jasper as she took the mic.

 

“That’s Na-na-na, and you should know the title,” she said, shaking her head at him. “It’s the song you ‘sing’ with your niece.”

 

Spotting her mother, said niece bounced in Edward’s arms excitedly. “Momma! Momma! Momma!”

 

“Hush,” Edward said, trying to get Emi to settle. The little girl struggled, grunting as she tried to get down so she could run as fast as her big orange boots would let her.

 

Bella heard her baby, and grinned out at the audience, looking for her. She beckoned, and Edward walked forward, setting Emi on the stage and stepping back.

 

Standing side by side they were a stunning sight. Emilia was Bella’s miniature. Brown hair and eyes. Same secretive smile and button nose. Emilia, seeming to notice for the first time everyone in the room was looking at her, put on a big, cheesy grin and waved at the crowd.

 

Absolutely none of her mother’s shyness, apparently.

 

Bella picked her up and whispered something in her ear. Emi nodded and yelled into the mic, “Na-na-na!” A song that she sang all the time, and the perfect introduction to Bella’s poem.

 

Edward stood back and watched his girls, listening to the words Bella was saying, enjoying the reaction of the crowd. Like the very first time he’d seen her, she knew how to get them going. It was a different kind of mood--so much lighter than her poem of darkness and suffering. It spoke of the uncertainties in life, that the suffering was there, the darkness, but it was interrupted by cries of--

 

“Na-na-na!” Emi said into the mic, and the crowd laughed.

 

Grinning, Bella kissed the baby’s cheek and leaned in to finish out the poem.

 

“Once upon a time, I wanted to believe in fairytales

In a gallant prince who could slay my nasty dragon

In happily ever after in a castle in the clouds.”

 

She looked to him and smiled, an intimate smile filled with all the love she had for him. Edward smiled back, beaming, proud, and so very much in love with these two gorgeous human beings.

 

“Fairytales look different out of Disney’s hands

Your princes have nasty dragons too

And trouble?

Sometimes trouble doesn’t rear its ugly head

Sometimes trouble sings to you.”

 

“Na-na-na-na,” Bella and Emi said together.

 

“Instead,” Bella finished.

 

The crowd whooped and hollered. Emi, enchanted, clapped back at them. Bella stepped off the stage and into Edward’s waiting arms.

**~The End~**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Endless love to Packy 2.0, MyOnlyHeroin, jessypt, barburella, songster, and GinnyW for their support, flails, and naming of fictional babies.
> 
>   
>  Thank you for coming along with me on another journey. Yes, there is an outtake I have in mind, but I make no promises. You guys mean a lot to me. I hope you know that. Mwah! See you next time.


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